One Million Moms

Okay, so I know some people are very hard core Christian, and they are very supportive of the Christian movements. This is fine, I have NOTHING against that. I think that it's great that you find things that you love and work to support them.

That being said, if you don't like:
Homosexuality.
People questioning your reasoning.
Rants (even if fucking hilarious).

Then don't read this. Because A) I will be backing homosexuals. B) I will be questioning the reasoning behind this group. and C) This is a rant.

-----------------------------------------------

So I've been following this development for some time, and while I should be sleeping right this second, I'm not. This is because I'm so fired up about these people and the stupid shit they do, that I need to blog about it right this second or I will explode. If you haven't heard, there is a group called One Million Moms that is attempting to incite a riot over JCPenney hiring Ellen DeGeneres to be their spokeswoman.

Why would you not want Ellen as your spokeswoman anyway?

Oh oh, you know, I can understand if some people don't like her humor. I mean yeah sometimes she's just not that funny. Like when she had someone dress up as a banana to scare Megan Fox?
Totally not funny.

Oh, and her hair? Yeah maybe not the best, perhaps that's why they don't want her speaking on behalf of JCPenney. I mean if you're going to talk on television you HAVE to have nice hair. Perhaps it's her hair.
Yeah that's it.

No...maybe it's her voice? Do we not like her voice? 
I'm running out of options here...

None of the above, actually, it's because 

Ellen DeGeneres is a lesbian. 

You know what I think? I think this group needs to rethink their name. I think instead of One Million Moms, it should be "One Million Morons." It's groups like this that make people think that all Christians are assholes. I know really nice Christian people that think these people are assholes, so maybe we just need to poke them in the asshole hard enough with a stick that says,

"STOP USING THIS AS YOUR ROLE MODEL."

After hearing about the fact that they are boycotting JCPenney merely based upon the fact that they are hiring her as a spokeswoman and that they have "Alternative Lifestyle Couples" in their magazines it's an absolute rage. It's hilarious actually. I looked at their website to see exactly what their goals are, and what they are all about- I mean what has this group done that makes them feel so righteous and self-entitled that they can take away the rights to a job merely due to someone's sexual preference?

First, I looked at their Facebook, since it was the closest and easiest access point to basic information, here was their "About" Section: 

Here's how the One Million Moms Campaign works. We inform you about a particular issue (TV network, sponsor, or station), giving you a link to a "take action" page on the website. You e-mail the responsible party. That's it!

Translation: Here's how we brainwash you into working towards our spiteful agenda. We give you a one-sided story about a particular issue that nobody should even worry about (On the TV, a sponsor, or station) giving you a link to harass the party we don't like. You just e-mail the party and flood their inbox with messages. That's it!

Then I looked at their mission statement:

Where Christian moms stand up for their children. Let your voice be heard!

Okay, so I understand that every mom wants what's best for their child. It's a given, that if their child is sick they want them to be healed, if they are hungry, to be fed, and so on. Have any of these people thought about maybe giving their children the option to decide for themselves? What I don't understand, is why it's okay to harass the gay community. Let's say suddenly, JCPenney hired an openly Christian spokeswoman- if people were to start harassing them saying "We're boycotting you because you hired a Christian!" 

Do you think that it would be deemed socially acceptable?

Likely not.

What's really sad, is a lot of these moms are going to have children that grow up, and guess what? They will be gay. There is NOTHING wrong with that! Although I'm sure they'll grow up feeling absolutely terrible about it and feel like they are the scum of the earth because they like Timmy when they "should like Sally." Which is pitiful, because they preach love and compassion for all and then pull stupid shit like this. 

After looking at their Facebook page I moved to their site, which was equally, if not more disappointing.

There are plenty of issues on there that I'm sure I would have looked at and wanted to slit my wrists for having to share a species with these people, but since I was on the topic of JCP I looked at that one.

The group talked about how recently, the JCP magazine had had ONE feature in it that was two women and their daughters. It said that Maggie was Wendi's partner, and they have daughters- Raven and Clover. 

I'm offended already. Who the fuck names their daughter CLOVER? COME ON.

And the group mentions how JCP had said they would stay neutral in the "Cultural War."

First off: Why is there this "cultural war" going on anyway? Because bitches like you have nothing better to do than start one. There wouldn't be any problems if people would just learn to accept others for who they are, instead of having that incessant need to push values on them. 

Don't like gay marriage? Don't fucking get one. 

......Ohhh but they'll go to hell! You're apparently not so who cares? 

..........Jesus said we needed to help save everyone, we are his messengers! Jesus also said to love everyone and you're choosing to ignore that one so maybe you can ignore this one too. 

There is no cultural war unless we make one. Apparently you're all bored and feel like you need to start one.  

Pick up a fucking hobby.

I hear parachuting is nice- spice it up a little and try it without the parachute! 

  Then came the issue of "Neutrality." Now when I think of neutrality I think of either representing everyone equally, or representing no one. On their site they mentioned how it was unfair that they were featuring gay people blatantly in their magazine.  

"OMM has so many issues to cover we had no choice but to move on earlier in the year but have decided to revisit this issue and speak out again. It is obvious that JCP would rather take sides than remain neutral. JCP will hear from the other side so they need to hear from us as well." 

On pages ten and eleven of that magazine they featured a gay couple. How many pages were in that magazine I wonder? Likely not three, so I'm assuming that two pages featuring homosexuality was not the majority if the magazine. Therefore, I'm going to have to agree with OMM here in saying that JCP was not neutral at all. They were obviously favoring straight couples. I mean if the rest of the magazine was all either single moms/dads and straight couples, then really they were showing a bias towards the gay community.

Oh that's not what the problem was? 

Obviously the solution to this problem is to just dress up genderless mannequins for their ads- that will solve all bias problems. 

"Last time OMM contacted JC Penney store managers, we were brushed off. Some even experienced in person the store manager saying "Thank you" and walking off while their customer and our concerned members were in mid-sentence. OMM has been told that JCP corporate office told store managers to say "Thank you" and then walk away. If they want our business, then we will not be ignored!"

All I have to say to this is THANK YOU JCPenney, for not giving into these bullies, for not even listening to the crap to begin with. Just for that next time I need socks I'll be coming to you. 

"The store managers are the ones who can communicate to corporate for their customers. Managers will not want to be in the middle so when we politely express our concern to them, they should realize that they are the ones taking all the complaints and corporate is not having to answer for the decisions they are making. Managers will pass along customers’ frustrations, and their own, to corporate because they will likely get tired of their game. Managers will also have to answer to corporate for the loss in sales from traditional families, so we will give them the proof they need to back this up when we tell them we will no longer be able to shop with them until they take a neutral stand." 

Once again here you are throwing around the "neutral" word. What is neutral? Is neutral "What we decide is acceptable." ? Because if it is, that's not neutral. Personally I think that JCP is moving towards a MORE neutral stance by beginning to include the LGBTQII community. Also, loss of sales from traditional families? Are you fucking kidding? Your name is One Million Moms, and you have 47,000 people on your page. 

Then I find it absolutely hilarious that they equate the fact that quote...

"J.C. Penney is reporting a bigger-than-expected loss and plummeting profits in the first quarter and lost $163 million in the quarter ending April 28."

To THEIR boycott! They don't come right out and say that, but the comments left by members do. Give me a fucking break. We are in a shitty economy, people don't have money to spend, and employers and companies are all struggling to keep afloat. Don't be so negligent to equate our shitty economy to a successful "47,000 complaint fest about lesbians." JCPenney isn't going to shut down because YOU hate gay people. 

Why does it matter who Ellen wants to hold hands with? She's not having sex with women in the JCPenney commercials. It doesn't fucking matter! IT DOESN'T. 

  

It's obvious- The fact that Ellen Degeneres is gay- AND advertising socks (!) is going to make our children want to have a gay marriage.

The way my beautiful friend Seanna put it:

Its the gay agenda!! Don't you know if you buy socks from JCPenny's you're going to become a homo-gay-bian? omg!! End of the world!

http://onemillionmoms.com/IssueDetail.asp?id=453

 

Not All Degrees Are Created Equal

So I was talking to my friend back in my home state a few days ago,
Mistake #1
and she mentioned to me how she had decided she'd go to college since she had found out that there really were no jobs out there that she would truly enjoy without a college degree. She apparently was sick of working fast food.

Congratulations, it only took you four years!

Being the type of person I am, it was nice to hear that she'd finally matured a little from her, "Fuck society, fuck school, fuck everything I'm too cool for this" mentality and had come to terms that in order to get where she wants to go, she needs to go to college, or at least a trade school- something. I had told her when we graduated where I was going and she just laughed at me,

"LOL Oregon State? Why the hell would you go there? What makes you think that you're going to do any better with a degree anyway? Colleges just take your money and you still end up unemployed. Waste of time."

Ohhh I dunno... where have I heard that getting a college degree helps out career wise...

• Every financial education class I ever attended.
• Every school counselor I ever saw.
• Every book or article I've ever read that had "Tips to Financial Success" anywhere in the title or body text. 
• Etc. Etc.

 So really, I was in the "suit yourself" boat at that point. She wanted to laugh at me for going to college? I'd laugh at her for ending up homeless after her mom finally kicks her out for freeloading. Turns out her mom told her she had to go to college to continue living there since she refused to get a job (Fuck corporate America, ya know) so she finally agreed. 

I asked her what she was studying, since after knowing her attitude all through high school, I had no idea what the hell she'd be interested in studying. She excitedly told me that she was studying

Interior Design

Which I thought was absolutely fabulous. I can totally see that being something she'd get into. I was very excited for her. I made sure to let her know how proud I was of her for getting her head in the game and doing what she loved. Then she started talking about how great she was doing in school. She apparently was getting straight A's and B's and having a blast in her classes. Once again I was very excited for her, and very impressed. I used to get A's and B's, before I got to my Junior year and it became four times as hard. She mentioned how she didn't understand how people kept telling her how college was so hard, because of course, it wasn't.
This is when she started dropping little piss bitch remarks that made me want to smack her in the vag with a hammer. 

"Yeah I remember how you'd mentioned how college is so much harder than high school. I think you're just not trying hard enough or something. College is easy."

Excuse me, asshole, you're taking INTERIOR DESIGN. Pardon me for thinking that perhaps 400 level Biochemistry courses and 400 level Organic Chemistry courses were harder than "Business 101" and "What Colours Go Fabulous Together 202." 

"I mean, you also say you're sooo busy but I have so much free time even AFTER I do my homework, are you managing your time at all? I mean, come on."

How many credits are you taking? Like 6? What is your homework, "Draw a picture of a room with a couch in it and matching drapes!!!!11!" That and you're taking your classes at a fucking community college. You know what's funny about that? The people here tell me "If you want to take an easier course, take it at Linn Benton CC." So really, you are taking easy classes, with an easy number of credits AND YOU AREN'T WORKING. 

"I think that you were just trying to make it sound like you were working harder than you are."

This is when I wished I could punch her THROUGH my phone. 
Everyone I know here would vouch for the fact that when I say that college kids live off of coffee, don't sleep, have zero time when they have a job, and feel like they are going to die nearly 24/7.

Just because you decided that interior design is equivalent to a biology, pharmacy, or engineering major, doesn't mean it is.  

You're going to "Kindercollege" you fucking bitch. Shut the fuck up and take a real class. 

Think me up a designer shower curtain to wrap your dead body in.    

...Oh and a designer shovel to bury you with, too.  

Why Being A Teaching Assistant is Awesome

So as some of you may know, this term I foolishly became a teaching assistant. This means that in exchange for three credits, I am selling my soul to the botany department. I grade, teach, tutor, and clean up after the students. It's actually extremely fun, I can't think of anything I'd rather do for three credits. I take my position entirely too loosely, and often times I do things without thinking about them, only to realize ten seconds after I do them, that it was extremely inappropriate.

But that's why I'm the "favourite T.A."

The first day was great, seeing as though I'd recently watched the Ninja Sex Party video "Dinosaur Laser Fight," in which Dr. Sexbang gets up in front of the class and seductively inquires about their learning capacity.  All in all, I feel I was extremely successful at catching their attention when I got up and seductively said,

"Alright class, are you ready to leeeaaarrrrn?"

I don't think any of them (including my overseeing professor) knew what to do at that point. I just stared at them and then sat down and pretended to be normal.
 I feel like at this point I had already won some of them over-- yesssss.


After a few classes we learned about a plant family that was big into self pollination. This is where they essentially have their own pollen land on their own stigmas, and create plant babies. We were discussing the problems with this, as well as the advantages. The students were coming up with some really great reasons why it would be beneficial, but none really had that great of reasoning why it would be bad. One guy asked what the closest biological process in the "animal kingdom" to self pollination was, 
I really didn't think my answer through.
Nonononononono.

"Well, I'd have to say probably masturbating, but scarier. Wouldn't it suck to be a plant? You wouldn't be able to touch yourself without fear of putting a bun in your oven. It'd be like, 'Oh who's the daddy?' and you'd have to say, 'Me...dammit, I should have listened to Jesus!'"
Reactions were as follows:
One kid just stared at me with his mouth open.
A girl I tend to fancy started laughing so hard she cried.
The boy with his hand raised put it down and then started laughing.
My fellow T.A. just stared at me like I was a psycho. 

...moving on, class.  
I really thought I might lose my job for that one. Bahahaha.


After that one I made sure to watch myself more carefully because I have sort of an anal retentive overseeing professor. He's super amazing and awesome and I love him dearly, but he wrings his hands while he talks.
nononononononononononononononono....

Two weeks later I was doing really well at making sure I didn't say stupid shit. 
Bitch you jinxed it.
We were learning about a plant that is wind pollinated and dioecious (having two separate plants for the genders, one girl plant one boy plant.) The male plant has the stamens hanging out all over for the wind to take the pollen off of. The class was having such a hard time remembering which plant was the female plant and the male plant. Fellow T.A. attempted to explain and they were still getting confused. I asked a count of people who were pretty sure they had it down.

Like two fucking people raised their hands.

I figured it was time to bring out the big guns. I held out the male plant in one hand, and the female plant in the other hand. I took the male plant and held it out further and said,
"This is the male plant. You know it's the male plant because it has little penises hanging out in the wind here. They just flop all over and the wind blows the sperm all over the place," then I held out the female plant. "See, and here's the female plant, it's like the plant vagina, the sperm wants to get to these." then I stared at them for a minute as they gave me blank stares.

 Fuck. Blank. Stares.
This is when I rubbed the plants together and said,
"....and when you rub them together, it's plant porn!! *hums porno music as I rub them together in a random fashion*
Needless to say, I got the "That was inappropriate," lecture. If there's one fucking thing these students will remember, its which part is the penis and which is the vag. So there.


The last incident I recall was actually just a few days ago. Some quick background, my class has to collect  pressed plants for a major part of the grade. They are docked major points if they bring in rare or protected plants. This encourages them to research before picking just anything, and to reduce the rate these rare plants get picked off. Well they have to bring in one pressed sample for us to grade their technique. One guy brought his in and he motions me over with a,

"Kori...psst, Kori, Kori, hey hey!" so I go over, "Is this plant rare...?" and he began to open the newspaper so I could see it. 

As soon as I could see the plant I clasped my hands over my mouth and gasped and looked generally concerned. 

He of course, began to panic, "Oh shit, shit no! I didn't know, oh god is it rare? Nooo shit!! :(" and generally just having a heart attack thinking he was going to fail. 
As I walked away, I casually said, "...nope."  

He goes, "You are a JERK." and began to laugh. 

Bitches.  

Why the Rest of the World is Sad Brian Moved Out

Because he took away my phone when I drank, at least while he was here, that is. Now when I go to a party and play beer pong and drink beer, I have my phone on me. Oh yes, yes I do.

And I apparently am not afraid to fucking use it.

The first text I'd like to apologize for really isn't that bad, it was just to someone I'd told myself I'd leave alone, apparently drunk me doesn't think that's necessary:
"Ball in the cup!! Ball in the cup!! O'Hara and Kori win! Weehehehehe :0"
Okay, not so bad-  still apologizing since I am an idiot. Hmhmhmmm.

Moving on.

The next victim...I mean friend, I texted- got a lot more than I think he bargained for when he texted me going, "Hey what's up?"

Me: Beer pong.
Him: Alcoholic ;) lol
Me: You fucking know it...but not really.
Him: How drunk are you?
Me: Not very, why?
Oh if you wanted to play 20 questions I'm still down with that. What's your favourite shape of potato?
Him: Well I prefer the more round and symmetrical ones cause they are easier to cut and peel. Where did that come from?
Me: I think you meant to ask, "What's your favourite shape of potato?" and the answer is: Blue.
Him: ....cause that cleared a lot up.
Me: It cleared everything up. You just weren't listening!
Him: ohhhhhyeah....no. So what's your favorite type of hat for a llama to wear?
Me: Obviously a fedora.
Him: Makes sense.
Me: Well yeah. I mean how else are they supposed to paddle across the Atlantic without a fedora to guide them?
Him: Exactly! I knew someone else had to get it.
Me: Yeah, and slinkies, fuck slinkies. They just want to have sex with you while you aren't looking.
Him: Well that was less of a question and more of an anti-slinky campaign slogan but okay, haha.
Me: Are you saying you support slinkie rape? Slinky rape is STILL rape, you know.
Him: Not support, per se, Fim and profit from it, maybe.
Me: You're sick. You're like the pigeons that wait for people to sit on benches and then poop right beside them, and then as the person freaks out and is too preoccupied with the potential for getting shit on,  the bird swoops down and steals their baby. 
Him: And I don't even give them a reach around with that fucking.

Note how I spelled "Slinky" different multiple times. The main issue I see with all this drunk texting-

It's not much different from my normal train of thought.
Damnit.

Mein Cake

Sometimes I question why people love me.

Oh look, tourists!

I feel like for how much I drank, I drew a really good cactus. You have no idea how slowly I'm typing right now. Yessss

An Awkward First Date

Assuming each of my beautiful readers has been on a date, or at least had a dream of a date, or maybe looked up the word Date (not including rape) in the dictionary, you'll all know what I'm talking about when I talk about awkward first dates. 

I had one of those once. Okay maybe twice, three times? Okay four times- you got me. You'd think after having a couple dates that end up being awkward you'd just give up. Not me though. I'm a fighter. A total rebel, I don't even shave my legs.

There are multiple kinds of awkward dates out there, and I've experienced quite a variety. It all depends on the guy you go out with and what you plan to do on said date. Some dates turn out nice, others...turn out...well, not so nice. If you think about it though, the shitty dates are always the ones worth talking about...

Always.


Nobody wants to hear about that time you went on a date with this really sweet guy that held open every door for you and let you pick the appetizer. No, nobody wants to fucking hear that.
Really, people want to hear about the bad dates. 


Like that time you went on a date and the guy got so drunk he threw up down your shirt. 
Haha, he threw UP down your shirt! Ehhh, ehhhhh? Fine okay.


This is the guy that has been on a date with Kori:
Here is their story...
[doink doink]


Bad Date Type: The Agenda
This date started out rather normal, seeing as though we met in one of my classes, I don't remember which one because he's been in multiple classes of mine seeing as though he's majoring in Fisheries and Wildlife. He asked me if I wanted to go to out to dinner, I hadn't been on a date in  a while so I decided I'd go. Just a casual date though, nothing too fancy.


So let's go do this shit.


We sit down to eat and I'm looking at the menu as he goes, 
"So what do you like to do?"


Of course we know that if I was truthful and said, Well I like going into Asian restaurants and pushing over the fish tanks, tripping old ladies when they're crossing the street, kicking puppies, and picking up prostitutes and dropping them off in the desert, he probably would have walked out.


So I lied and said something so ridiculous I'm surprised he bought it:
I like reading.


He seemed satisfied with that answer as he continued his interrogation:
"So do you get out often?"


I guess it really depends on what you mean by "out," seeing as though there are lots of definitions and insinuations of the word "out" I shall pick a few and explain my position. 


If you mean "Out" as in, "Do you go on dates often?" then the answer is no. Although if your definition of date is loose enough to include "Do you sit at home and cry while eating Ben and Jerry's in front of your laptop watching Spongebob and wishing you had a life." then yes I get out quite often. 


If you mean "Out" as in "Do you go outside and sit in the sunshine enjoying yourself?" then the answer is also no, seeing as though we live in Oregon and the sun doesn't exist here. You need to look up the fucking weather channel, why do you think everyone in Oregon suffers from S.A.D? Pfft.


If by "Out" you mean sleeping by myself in a cold bed, lonely and alone. By myself wondering why I'm so lone....oh...


Yeah, I get around.
Wait wait wait...
That's not what I meant.
No, really it's not.
Who am I kidding..I'm a whore.


I had looked over the menu at this point an decided that I was going to eat a salad, since everything on the menu had carcass in it. He asked me what I was going to get and when I said a salad he goes, 


"Really? You don't have to get a salad, I'm not going to judge you. I like girls that eat."
Hey if you wanted to see me eat maybe we should have gone to a restaurant that didn't specialize in dead animals. Not like you asked though.


That's when I broke the news to him,
"I don't eat animals, so I'll just get a salad."


His face was like I just said, "I hate America, believe that guns should be outlawed, and have had 16 abortions."
Little did he know I've actually had 18.
"You don't eat meat? Like, you're a vegetarian?"
This is when I should have said, "Oh I eat meat, just human meat. Babies are my favourite...so tender."


We stared at each other in silence for a while after I'd replied, "Yes." to his vegetarian question. He looked down the menu and decided to pursue a new route to things. Apparently his agenda was not towards the animal rights side of things. It was unacceptable that I didn't eat animals, and he was going to make it known.


"So do you think that just because you don't eat animals you're going to save the world? Even if you don't eat animals other people are still going to so you might as well because you aren't changing anything."
Hey you know, you are using an awful lot of oxygen spewing your bullshit. 


I replied kindly, "That's alright, I figure it takes one person at a time to change the world. Even if my eating meat doesn't stop other people, they might come around on their own. It's your choice if you want to eat meat, just like it's my choice if I don't want to."


His eyes narrowed as he looked at me, I could tell he was thinking (or something slightly resembling thinking).
What I imagine was going on in his head: 
[red lights flashing] Oh god dude, she's an independent thinker. She thinks for herself.
Oh fuck she might actually be smart, I don't like girls that are smarter than I am. Oh God, what do I do? Should I listen? No- no, tell her to get back in the kitchen. 
Oh fuck I'm at a restaurant and that won't work. ABANDON SHIP.


We didn't go on another date.