Livin' in Orlando

So for those of you who may not know, I recently moved to Orlando, Florida. Coming from Corvallis, Oregon, this was a huge jump and somewhat of a culture shock for me given the vast differences between the people of Orlando and the people of Corvallis and Portland. For those that don't know what Orlando is like, well, let me illiterate for you!

Driving in Orlando is the equivalent of a wanna-be porn star trying to wax their asshole; you have to do it to get anywhere, but you know it's going to suck.

First off, the people in Orlando are from all over the world, likely visiting the biggest tourist attraction in the entire state. I'll give you a hint, it's not Universal Studios. Since they come from all over, they come from a variety of driving backgrounds which make it difficult to drive safely here.

Who am I kidding, everyone here just fucking sucks at driving. 

You seriously cannot get on the road without running into (probably literally) at least one terrible driver. What's so great about it is that no two terrible drivers are the same! They like to spice it up, just for you.

You're sitting at a light behind the little black station wagon, and the light turns green. 

Doesn't fucking matter, don't move.

Still sitting there.

Oh look it's turning yellow.

Hey if you could pull your head out of your ass and go? That'd be great.

aaaaaaaaand they were the only one of 50 cars to make it through that green light.

    Oh- but it doesn't end there!

How many seconds does it take to cross four lanes of traffic to make it safely to your exit? 

Doesn't matter! Safely is relative!

 CROSS THOSE FOUR LANES, WITH PRIDE!

You know what happens in Orlando nearly every day? It rains. You know what also happens every day at about that same time? People's already shitty driving gets even shittier. 

Probably just coincidence.

Honestly people, it's sprinkling and that does not mean you need to drive 25 miles an hour on the 417. That being said, when it's torrential downpour you probably shouldn't be going 80.  

Did you know if you don't have your foot firmly pressed down on the gas and halfway into the intersection the second the light turns green, it entitles the person behind you to lay on their horn? I think it's some unwritten rule they have here in Orlando, cause everyone does it. 

Every intersection is potentially a parking lot. 

Wait wait, you mean we're not supposed to stop in the intersection?

 

The major differences in how people interact:

I went to Target the other day, and this is not the first time it's happened, but I got stared down. I was buying Oatmeal, FUCKING OATMEAL, and this lady was giving me the dirtiest look I've ever seen. Like,

"Bitch I bet you think you're better than me cause you buy oatmeal."

No actually I know I'm better than you because I don't come to Target dressed like I walked out of Rocky Horror Picture Show: The Cheap Remake Edition. 

Bras aren't that expensive, lady, invest in one.

Nipples are great, however I don't want to see yours.

I like the way your shorts are two sizes too small, and how great the holes in them accent your green thong.

Can I please buy you some clothes?

I got a nice stare down for the entire time I was picking out my rolled oats. I then walked away and ran into her a few times elsewhere and got the same look. Now I wouldn't be so quick to assume this is normal, but this happens every time I go to the store, and I live in the nice neighborhood. 

I'm probably wearing gang colors and just don't know it. 

On the bright side, the liquor store by my house is open until 11' clock on weekdays, later on the weekends. How sweet is that?

 

  

OkStupid

We've all seen those ads on the television while we're running on the treadmill at the gym- the ones for sites like Match.com or eHarmony. After multiple failed attempts at relationships I decided to try a new, more mathematical approach to finding a potential mate. Instead of meeting guys that are nice but turn out to have much different views on life than I do, I felt perhaps I should try meeting guys with some of the same values as I do and then getting to know them.

Holy shit. Worst idea, EVER.

First off, the number one thing I've noticed about this whole online dating thing is that it's super easy to conceal who you really are. Sometimes I feel like it goes a little something like this...

QUESTION: Do you enjoy being really fucking annoying?

Your Answer: 
                        (  )  No.

                        (  )  Yes.

                        (  )  If you talk to me for 5 minutes you'll stab yourself in the eye.

Of course the answer is going to be NO. Who is going to be honest about that kind of shit? This brings me to the point that even if you and some guy are matches, you're still likely not matches. 

I've met quite a few people on the site, curious enough, almost every single one of them has come to me. I guess that's one perk of having a vagina, or something.

Experience #1:
A man messages me on the site, with no sense of grammatical knowledge, asking,
 "hey how r u? my name is matt and i want to be friends" 

Alright, well matt, I don't really think I want to be friends with someone that can't find their shift key. However, I am a sucker and I messaged him back saying that I was fine and asked how he was and if there was anything interesting going on in his life. 

Meanwhile I stalked his profile to see what this dude was all about. Turns out he was 35, unemployed with no schooling, and living in his mother's basement. I had struck motha' fucking gold. Well he messaged me back and immediately asked me if I'd be interested in dating him. I was a bit taken aback, here was my response:

"Seeing as though I just met you three seconds ago, you don't know my name, you're 35 and I'm 22, you have nothing to offer other than complete dependency on me, and originally you said you wanted to be friends...hmmmmno?"  

He got all sappy about how it's impossible to find a pretty girl that will give him the time of day, blah blah blah shut the fuck up. I blocked him.

Next.

 Experience #2:
I had a guy that was stalking my profile for a long while (visiting nearly every day at least once) but never messaging me. I decided that since he was a Star Wars nerd I'd send him a riddle involving Storm Troopers, penguins, and cake. He actually answered in a relatively amusing fashion. We talked for a while and after talking for a few weeks he coaxed my number out of me since he seemed relatively nice. 

DANGER, WILL ROBINSON

From then on he updated me about every aspect of his life. What he was doing, how he was feeling, what he was eating (especially what he was eating), and 'silly' things his dog did. It drove me up the wall, especially since he told really annoying stories that I did not find interesting in the least. I tried multiple methods to get him to stop texting me so much, including being blunt and saying, "Look, dude, your incessant texting about nothing is driving me up the fucking wall." 

"What? You don't like me texting you fifteen times a day about what I'm eating?"

HERE HAVE A PICTURE OF THIS BLOODY STEAK I'M COOKING EVEN THOUGH YOU'VE STATED MULTIPLE TIMES YOU'RE NOT INTO EATING ANIMALS.

Finally I just broke down and told him that I didn't want him contacting me anymore, it was nice meeting him but seriously we would never get along because I can't have someone needing my attention via text all day long. He proceeded to bring up how upset he was because the family cat was going to die pretty soon.

I texted him back, "Irrelevant, but my apologies nonetheless. Seriously though, stop texting me."

Next.

Experience #3: 

 I'll call him M, and over text he was fucking hilarious. I enjoyed his blunt humor, as it matched mine quite well. His profile picture on OkCupid was really cute and he seemed very intelligent, even though he'd had some problems with completing school. We talked for a while over Skype and finally he asked me if he could drive down from a couple cities over so we could meet. I didn't see a problem with that, and I even offered to pay for lunch if he drove down since gas is so expensive. Happy with the situation, he came down that Saturday. 

First off, when he arrived, he looked NOTHING like his profile picture. At. All. That picture had to be at least five to six years old. He was now much heavier, balding, and apparently forgot how to brush his teeth. I told myself I was being rude by automatically ruling him out due to his looks- since he and I had fun and enjoyable conversations via Skype. We went into get a table and they said it would be a 40 minute wait. We went outside and talked for a bit. 

Let's just say that "he was annoying" is an understatement. He constantly fidgeted, talked really close to my face (and he had bad breath), and thought he needed to end every sentence with "HA HA HA!" I was really uncomfortable the entire time and was really happy that he didn't know where I lived. Not to mention he was really good at saying things that should have put his foot in his mouth. When we went in he ordered this huge burger and when I ordered a salad he looked at me and goes, "I like a girl that can eat, come on order a burger or something I won't judge you." 

I smiled and notified him I believed in compassion for all animals and didn't eat them. He looked at me and goes, "So can I eat this in front of you?" I gave him a flat "Yes." and went on with my meal. He then started talking about how he didn't understand vegetarians or vegans and how they thought they were going to save the world. I wanted to punch him in the face- not because he was insulting the culture I associated with, but because he was just fucking annoying.

"Them crazy vegans thinking that if they don't eat cows they're saving them. HA HA HA!"

I looked at him after he said that and went, 

"Them crazy men, thinking that because there's law against murder it's gonna save them. HA HA HA!" 

He looked a little uncomfortable. Gooood. However at this point I needed out. I couldn't handle this anymore. Call me weak if you will, I was near tears with both uncomfortableness and fear for my sanity. I texted Val and asked her to help me. She promptly called 10 minutes later, as to not raise suspicion, and told me her cat was in the hospital and I needed to come drive her to the moon or something. It didn't matter. I had an out. I immediately began to act really concerned and repeatedly told her it was "Going to be alright." and "I'll be right there." and to "Just hang on."  

I told M I had an emergency and had to go right away. He said okay and got up to leave with me. I left the waitress 40 dollars even though I think our tab maybe came out to 22 dollars. I didn't care. As we left I ran into this crazy guy who was OBVIOUSLY intoxicated. He tried to pick a fight with M, saying,

"Hey you're that asshole that I saw earlier and you wouldn't help a brother out." 

He shoved M and M retaliated and was going to pick a fight back. I could have just ran away at that point, laughing hysterically, instead I took action. I stood in front of the unknown man and told M to back off. 

"You don't know what he's been through," I said gingerly, "he's obviously hurting and you're making it worse." 

M looked at me like what the FUCK. I saw the guy had a knife though, and was angry, I didn't want trouble.

The man started crying and told me how he was stranded and just wanted to get home to Portland but had no money. I had a twenty in my purse that I fished out. I took his hand and placed it in his hand and told him, "I want you to accept this gift, please buy a bus ticket to wherever you need to go. Use the extra to get yourself a little food or something."

He cried more and hugged me, saying how hard life was and how nobody understood. I was his angel and he'd never forget me, blah blah blah. I'm sure as soon as he turned the corner to go buy more booze he forgot how he got the 20 dollars, but he didn't care, and neither did I. M called me Mother Teresa and bid me farewell. I didn't really talk to him after that. 

 

Next.

Experience #4: 

 I met one guy at a coffee shop. Well, I would have, but I got there first and he was 15 minutes late. Which was funny since he lived fairly close. While he was on his way I decided to text him personas of all the hipsters in the joint. He didn't really like that, but I thought it was funny and laughed the whole time. I called it punishment for being late. 

It became clear that it wasn't going to work out when he didn't look or act anything like he did online. He also had a tendency to mention sex. A lot. Which for me isn't something that I want to be harassed about. So when I decided I didn't want anything to do with him (the last time he mentioned about how if I came over he'd fuck me good and hard...or something) I'd go out with a bang. I told him I'd rather bang his roommate. Then when he got up in arms I sent him a picture of a small two inch mini sausage that was in the containers in bulk at Winco (he texted me when I was at the store with Val) with the caption,

"Look, they sell life-size replicas of your dick at Winco!"

He called me a bitch. :) 

Next.

Experience #5: 

   Met a guy that was probably the only decent guy on OkCupid. He was vegan, had a rescued pitbull, and lived out on the beach doing what he loved. Met him once, it didn't work out. However he was kind and didn't drive me up the wall. He gives me hope that maybe all guys on dating sites don't eat shit. 

I met a lot of other guys on that site, I had maybe 50 messages total (in a little under two months) and most of them were from guys I had no interest in, or they just said 'DTF?' I ended up getting a two page long explicit message detailing every sexual thing this one guy, with no profile picture or information, wanted to do to me. At that point I decided 1/51 isn't good enough odds for me to continue putting up with this shit. I deactivated my account. I'm never going back.

Online dating wasn't for me. 

I think I'll just get a dog.