How I Indirectly Sold My Soul to the Easter Bunny

Before I even begin to tell this story- due to the nature of its content- I have to put a disclaimer.

Disclaimer: Don't be a dumb ass and get angry about the stuff I post.
Kthx. 

 "Are you ready for redemption? Are you ready to be saved? Is your soul fit for Jesus to judge!?"

Um...fuck you?

Alright so when you walk through the OSU campus you can find a variety of things. You can find college students, garbage cans, PETA trying to get you to pledge your money, food shops, and if you're not good at avoiding them: people trying to spread the gospel. 

See, here's where I don't want people getting angry. 

If you're angry about people being blasphemous- then quit reading right now.

You're still reading. Stop.

Stop.

I said stop.

Are you still reading?

OK. 

You have no right to be a pissy bitch now. I warned you. :)

I honestly don't know if it's like this on every campus, I'm assuming at some point or another there are these crazy people. There are the people that like to stand out in front of the library and hold signs saying incredibly intelligent jargon like...

The end is near.

Jesus hates fags.

Pray for redemption!

God is the only true path!

Help me get the stick out of my ass!  

I personally try my hardest to stay away from these people. Not because I necessarily hate it when people voice their opinions. I just hate when these people do. I just have a tendency to want to fight with these people. They tend to be seen though my eyes with a huge target between their eyes that says "Throw Rock Here." 

Then there are other people that are usually a lot nicer. They are the friendly gentlemen that stand at the corners around campus and hand out mini New Testament bibles. Usually they are polite and ask if you would like to have a bible. If you say "No thank you." or "I already have one, thanks." or "I'm Jewish." they tend to leave you alone about it. Well the other day I ran into one that was like a combination of the sign people, and the bible handout brigade. 

He wanted to take the bible and thump me with it. Too bad it was way too small or he might have. I mean they are smaller than a freaking cup coaster. Well, he asked me if I wanted a bible and it went a little something like this:

Man: "Hello, would you like a bible?"

Myself: "Oh no, thank you."

At this point he notices the pentagram necklace I am wearing.

"What do you identify as?" the man asks.

As if it was any of his fucking business, but being the very nice person I am, I answered him anyway.

 "I tend to tell people I am pagan. I have my own beliefs on things," I tell him politely.

"Is God part of your beliefs?" The man asks sharply.

At this point I'm starting to realize where he's going with the questions. "Well a goddess like figure deity thing is part of my beliefs. Why does it matter?"

He narrows his eyes. "Do you realize that when you die, God is going to look at everything you have done in your life? It is very important to live by his word."

Yeah and when God looks over my life he's going to realize how much of my time you wasted and put a black mark on your tally. So can I go now?

 "That's great, and would be important to me if I believed in god," I turned to go as I had experienced enough of this kind of stuff to know that I would be fighting with him within a few minutes if I didn't walk away right then. 

He kept going though, inviting me to stay, "You aren't afraid of what God will do when he judges your soul?"
Did God forget to install a brain in your head? Didn't we already go over this?

"Well see, I hate to disappoint God but I already promised the Easter Bunny that he could judge my soul. It would be rude to let God do it after promising the Easter Bunny." I had the most serious look on my face that I could muster.

He got this look on his face as if he was trying to decide if I was mentally challenged, serious, or being a smart ass jerk. 

"Why would you promise the Easter Bunny such a thing? To promise your soul to such fiction."

I got a wide eyed stare of absolutely horror...

"Are you saying the Easter Bunny isn't real?"

>:(

 "Well of course," he says, "The Easter Bunny is a character that was made up by men."

Oh man did he really just say that? WHY WOULD YOU OPEN YOURSELF UP LIKE THAT?

Omgomgomgomgomgomgomg.

:o

"Oh well in that case I guess I don't have to worry."

"Why is that?"

"Because God is fictional."

"And how do you figure that?" he asks.

"Well apparently by definition, fictional is a character that was made up by men."

Blasphemy-o-meter: Red

He was not very happy with me. 

I decided I still didn't want a bible. 

U MAD BRO?

 

Courteous Driving

I apologize for my lack of posting on this blog, I have been extremely busy attempting world domination and such. Although since I have a minute I figured I would post a blog about something everybody loves,

Driving.
And something everyone does not love,
Driving with assholes.

This blog starts off on game day at the OSU campus. I had to work from two to four that day, and it just so happens we had a home game. Well, for those of you that don't go to college, don't care about football, or who are a hermit hiding in your house playing World of Warcraft- when there is a home football game the campus becomes a cluster fuck. 

Well that doesn't stop me from having to work, and since I work on campus I get to experience the amazing awe that is Game Day, and all the stupid shit that comes with it. 

I got out of work at four that day, and it just so happens that the game got out just then too. This means that a flock of hundreds of people are aimlessly bumping into each other as they scramble to their cars.

Along with that one dumbass that walks around screaming "GO DUUUUUUCKS!" 
Usually a series of small to large boulders are tossed at said person.

I got to my car about the same time as the other 500 people waiting to get back to wherever the fuck they are going. I am not an aggressive driver so this kind of stuff is always a challenge for me. I'd rather just drive courteous and friendly and not have to push my way into traffic. 

Apparently that doesn't fucking work.

So I ended up sitting at an intersection for like 10 minutes as the people behind me grew more impatient by the second. Finally there was someone else being a pushy dick and making a left turn without having the right away. I was turning right coming from the side so I took this opportunity to turn at the same time. 

Yesssssss I got out.

Well the truck behind me, driven by some hard core redneck, judging by the "I LOVE GUNS AND TITS" sticker in his window starts laying on the horn. At first I thought he was honking at the guy that turned left in front of him. Note that the cars had all stopped for a pedestrian crossing the road, so it's not like the left turn guy cut the truck off. But no. He was honking at me.

And he was flipping me off. Repeatedly.
Challenge Accepted.

So at the next intersection with a stop sign inhibiting the cross traffic there were shit tons of people waiting to get into the lane I was in because it led to the freeway onramp. Who was I to tell these people they couldn't get onto the main road? I am but one person in one car in the whole scheme of people driving on game day. 

So I stopped and waved the first person to turn into my lane.
And then the next.
And the next one too.
One more I guess can come in.
LET IN ALL THE CARS!

Meanwhile the truck behind me was fuming and I could see him in the rear view mirror slamming his hands on the wheel and looking generally pissed. 

Mission Accomplished. 

After letting the entire state of Oregon into my lane, I decided it was time to drive forward and get back to getting home. So next time you're on the road and somebody needs to get in, let them in, or you may end up with me in front of you. I'll let the floodgates open and your sorry ass will be stuck there waiting for me to go. 
I realize I was punishing all the cars behind the truck but meh. :) If he gets to be a shitty driver I get to as well :D

Why must people be so annoying?

So this is mostly just a rant because I am so sick of seeing this shit in my feed. And before you say "Just delete the people." I already did. But now I'm pissed and I feel the desire to blog about their fucking dipshit asses.

First off, there's the people who think they need to post everything they do every second of the day.

Newsflash asshole: http://twitter.com/

Go there before I castrate you.

Second. I fucking HATE the people who constantly sit there and claim they are going to "leave Facebook" and never fucking do. GO THE FUCK AWAY IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT.

Status #1: "Fucking scene people ruined Facebook! I'm leaving."
Well good. I didn't like your whiny fucking updates anyway. Nobody actually cares that some stupid bitch in your biology class copied your hair. Guess what? You are not the original sin- get over it asshole.

Status #2: "In 48 hours I'm leaving Facebook- FOR GOOD."
Do you REALLY have to announce that? What are you looking for? A bunch of people to be like, "Oh my god noo don't leave I love you!" or "Oh no what happened are you alright?" or maybe even, "I'll leave too if you're leaving! I just love you too much to be here if you're not!"
Well guess what? I'm not going to post that. I'm going to march right up to your fucking wall and write, "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE NOW?"

Status #3: [Note that it's past 48 hours from last post] "I really am leaving Facebook. I am."
If you were actually planning to leave you'd be gone by now. You are a fucking whiny asshole and I am going to track you down and force feed you captain crunch until you explode.

Shut the fuck up.

Third, the people who post shit that is always depressing and you know it's made up because it doesn't make any sense if you actually keep track of what they say. 

Status: RIP Grandma, it's too bad you had to go so soon. You and fluffers- he was such a good dog. 

Comment #1: Oh god that's so sad. What happened? 

Comment #2: Emily I'm so sorry! That's terrible!

Emily: Well she was watering the lawn and then the house just exploded.

Comment #3: Oh no! Are you okay? Were you close to your grandma?

And then next week someone asks her how she's doing after her grandma died, and she goes, "What? My grandma didn't die..."

Fourth, the people who sit and complain about stupid first world problems.

Oh my god, my parents bought me a car but it's RED and I wanted a BLUE one! I hate them! They never listen to me!

Hey I know a few starving people in Africa that wouldn't mind a red car. They'd trade it for food but they don't care that it's red. 

My life is so bad. All my friends are jerks and my parents hate me...what's a girl to do?

Well my first suggestion to you, is to get your ugly ass off Facebook and rethink your life. Last time I checked, the perception of happiness in life is 10% what is handed to you and 90% what you do with it. Maybe instead of taking the knives life hands you and stabbing yourself in the arms- why don't you use them to cook dinner? Next suggestion, if your friends are jerks, quit whining about it and get new ones. Mean to you once, shame on them. Mean to you twice- shame on you. Mean to you three times, you're a dumbass. 

To fix your parents hating you problem, how about you look at what they do for you instead of what you feel they don't? Do you have food to eat? Yes? Shut the fuck up. Do you have clothes to wear in the morning? Yes? Shut the fuck up. You obviously have internet and very likely a cell phone that THEY pay for. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. 

My fucking chemistry teacher failed me! I can't believe this! I'm so mad!

So unless there was a mistake in entering your grades and really you aced the entire course (in which if that's the case go talk to your teacher instead of bitching), you deserved that F. You make your own grade. I'm so fucking sick of hearing a bunch of babies whining and blaming their teacher for their bad grade. Guess what? It's YOUR fault. You could have gotten help, you COULD have studied more instead of playing video games. YOU HAD A CHOICE AND YOU CHOSE WRONG. Stop blaming other people for your shitty decisions. 


I'm one of these people you mentioned and I'm fucking pissed that you think that any of the above things are my fault. You are a bitch and I hate you. 
 I think that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me...and I'm a bitch? D:

Tell me something I don't know.  

 

Bad Clothing Choices

So today I was just browsing around the grocery store and I realized how shitty so many people dress. Now I understand people probably think the fact I wear a t-shirt, jeans, flip-flops and no make-up is shitty but who gives a fuck what they think.
That's right- denied.

Sometimes I just wonder what goes through people's heads while they get dressed in the morning. It's like they see a whole different them than everyone else in their general vicinity. For example, there was a woman dressed in a tube top and some booty shorts.
I actually think they were normal shorts before her ass ate them.
Now this wouldn't have been a problem at all had she not been like 350 pounds. It's like, what provokes you people to think it's appropriate to quite literally display your baggage for everyone else to see? If you were hoping people were going to stick dollar bills in your fat rolls you have some serious delusions that you need to work on. What do you think when you put that on in the morning?

"Oh well let's see, I have a mu-mu or a pair of sweat pants. Oh dear that is quite the bare selection. I know, I will wear my 16 year old daughter's tube top and shorts." 
 -And then after you look in the mirror and the Michelin man's ugly twin sister, then what? 
"Oh hot damn I look fine. I look better than her. Hopefully she wont want these back because they'll be four times her size after today."

And then as you browse the frozen pizza section, people pity the fact your husband doesn't want to be seen in public with you. 
Or ponder if perhaps you rolled on top of him in bed.
Oh so YOU were the one who filed the missing person's report. The SWAT team is on the way. They brought rope and flashlights. Why the rope? Oh- so they can tie themselves to a pole so if they get lost they'll be retrieved. 

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Another thing that happens to bother me is when I see people cruising around with stupid sayings on their clothing. What in the fuck makes you think that is a good idea? No I'm not talking about those shirts that just have dumb pictures with a caption- I'm talking about serious motherfucking shit. No really. It gets worse. People wearing this crap make me wish there was a "People of Winco" site so everyone could laugh at them. But alas there isn't.  
Like the other day... 

I'm walking around and I am picking out bananas when I look over at the girl wearing hot pink sweat pants. Now if the color wasn't horrifying enough, the word EASY was written across her ass cheeks.

What the fuck people.

You may as well walk around with the words, "I suck dick for free." written on your shirt. It's like the same thing. Or how about, "Everyone's had a ride." or perhaps, "STD Factory." 
What? No? That's okay I have more ideas.
I honestly question the motives of humanity sometimes when I see shit like this. Scenarios are all too common where it's like,
"Oh my god so I just don't get it, I'm walking around the store and all these guys keep looking at my ass and asking for my number. What pricks! I just don't get it."
Meanwhile the word "Slut" is written on her ass. Come on people. 

Maybe you SHOULD let your mom dress you, at least she won't dress you like a dumb ass. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  What also makes me mad is this all too common fad of letting your pants hang to your knees. I don't get it. First it started as kind of something you might see in a rap video, but then it spread like the fucking plague. Why would you want to display your ass to me while I walk behind you with a shopping cart? You make me want to ram this cart into your ankles.

Then to add insult to injury, guys let their pants hang down so low they practically fall off and THEN they wear goddamn stupid underwear. 

"Well I wear my pants so low because I wanted everyone to see my Justin Bieber boxers."
 Nobody fucking wants to see that. Oh- Oh- I get it. You're hoping if you wear Justin Bieber's face on your ass then 12 year old girls will chase you around? You'd have better luck dressed like Pedobear. At least he's somewhat cuddly. 

Next time you think about wearing your pants around your knees consider this...

You're walking through the store minding your own business. Perhaps you're buying some crackers. When suddenly a fucking rhinoceros shows up at the end of your aisle. It charges straight at your fucking face. 
Oh I'd tell you to run but your pants are so low you can't. 
You die.
The end. 


Maybe next time you'll think twice before you decide it's a good idea to wear your pants around your ankles. Perhaps try pants like MC Hammer's. They may not be fashionable but they went to his ribcage and are so baggy you could outrun a rhino 




Bitches- learn how to dress. Japan is laughing at us.

And that's saying something. 

Picking up Chicks 101

Today when I went to Trader Joe's I met up with the second hot stud that decided to hit on me in the past couple of days. Apparently they like to hang out there looking for women without wedding rings.


What about us poor girls who just don't want to be hit on? What about US?

The first time I went into the store, I met Mr. Short stalky and balding. He must have thought I was quite the catch because he was very persistent. That or he was just one of those guys who think they are God's gift to women.


God made me this sexy so I could please all the women. 

Well needless to say he wasn't somebody I would ever pursue. Call me shallow, but you have to have SOME physical attraction to the person if you're going to allow yourself to be picked up in the produce section. That's just how it is.

Well he decided to approach me as I was picking out my fruit for the next couple of days. Personally I don't like to be bothered while I'm shopping. This is why I make it a point to never shop at places where they bug you constantly. Like clothing stores that pay on commission. Those are the fucking worst.

This is also why I don't randomly stand in used car lots. :)

"So it's quite the beautiful day out today huh?"
I'm sorry are you talking to me? I was busy examining my pear for bruises and I didn't hear you. Say that one more time.

"Yeah it's nice. A little too hot for my tastes but it's nice."

"So do you always shop at Trader Joe's?"
Well, if I say yes are you going to come to Trader Joe's and sit outside waiting for me? In that case no. No I don't shop here. EVER. Actually I'm not really here right now, you're just so sexually deprived that you are imagining that I exist. 

"Well I tend to enjoy their cheap prices and nice selection on juice so yes I do."

"That's cool. I shop here a lot too..."
[Long pause where he thought of what to say- I have moved onto bananas]
"Oh you like bananas? I like bananas too."
No I just like to buy bananas and take them home to rot. I don't actually eat them because I hate them. I've never figured out my infatuation with buying bananas so I can just throw them away. If you like bananas so much why aren't you hitting on that nice guy in the dairy section hm? 

"Yeah, bananas are good."
[I keep looking at the bananas, I haven't even really paid attention or shown any interest in anything he's saying thus far- he must really be desperate.]

"So what else do you like?"
I wanted to say "Women." but a lot of guys have this erotic fantasy involving two or more women so I decided that wasn't a good idea. 

"I like a lot of things. Bananas, apples, pears, peaches, all berries, kiwis, and mangoes. Pineapples are my favourite. I also enjoy a good vegetable."

"Wow that's cool. I am more of a meat person myself, haha call me carnivore! I do like all those things too though. It sounds like we have a lot in common."
Well what do you know? Take me away Romeo. Meat is my favourite.

With a totally flat tone, "I don't eat meat."
[awkward pause and stare]

"Oh sorry, I didn't know that. Did I offend you?"
No actually you didn't. I don't know you and I'm not interested and thus I don't give a fuck what you eat. You can eat 60 tacks for breakfast every morning followed by a swig of motor oil and I wouldn't give half a fuck. Leave me alone now please. Thank you.
  
"No. Well it was nice talking to you. I'm going to check out now. Bye."

"Oh, alright...bye!"
What? No "Can I get your number?" Fantastic- I've made you either feel awkward enough or perhaps degraded enough to not feel like we have a love connection. Because there isn't one. 

I wasn't done shopping and went in like an hour later after I was pretty sure he was gone. 
 -------------------------------------------------  

I am not going to go into details about man number two at Trader Joe's because he was practically the same scenario. Although this guy was a little more hardcore and I actually kind of liked him, although he was a bit off if I do say so.

I enjoy walking. I walk to work, the store, school, and just for fun. This time I happened to be walking for fun around a schoolyard attached to a park. As I walked around the block I watched people as they pursued their interests. One lady had her two dogs and they were playing ball, one lady had her kids and they are just sitting on a bench. There were a few elderly women walking around the same sidewalk I was- great minds think alike.
After a few times around this guy showed up, he was about my age maybe a year or two older and he was really cute. He walked onto the field and from the looks of it he had a frisbee. He watched me closely as I walked around the field.

Initiate plan- Sexy Walk.

My hunch about the frisbee was correct when he threw it across the field. I looked in that direction it was flying only to see nobody there. I was now confused. I looked back right as he was booking it across the field to catch the frisbee he just threw. What do you know? He caught it. I was pretty impressed.
I'm pretty sure he noticed because he smiled and then did it again. 

I watched him do it a few times and then lost interest and kept walking, although I secretly envied his awesome frisbee running powers. After walking past him a few times he walked over to the sidewalk and waited for me.

Hahahaha yessssssssss.

He stopped me and smiled, "Hey you know, playing frisbee with myself is pretty cool- but perhaps you'd like to sub in?"

You had me at "stopped me and smiled."

So I went to play with him for a little while and we really had a good time. I enjoyed having a cute guy playing frisbee with me, and also was pretty happy because no matter how shitty I managed to throw it he almost always caught it. Made me feel like I was an adequate frisbee player.

That's what every lady needs.. Someone to make her feel like she's better than just making sandwiches. 

After a while he grabbed the frisbee and came over next to me and we were talking. He started flirting and I (think) flirted back. Something was a little off though, he smelled weird but I couldn't put my finger on it because it was so faint. I was a bit put off by it. He asked me if maybe we could hang out again sometime.

And then that asshole reached in his pocket and pulled out a fucking cigarette and lit it. 
Do you know how unattractive that is?
Oh here, let me hug you and give you lung cancer at the same time. Oh yes I know you like it. 

That's about when I looked at my phone and said, "Oh shit! Thanks so much for the frisbee I really gotta go!"  

Bitch don't you come onto me if you are going to pull out the priority love in your life- especially if it's one that can fucking KILL YOU. You dumbass. >:/  
 

At least a sack of doorknobs wouldn't get in my way...

I'm sure at one point or another everyone has worked with someone they didn't particularly like. Maybe it was because they were rude, didn't listen, or were uncooperative.

I don't like my coworker because she's a dumbass.

Let us call her "Amy" for anonymity's sake. I would hate for someone to read this and get offended. 

So Amy works as part of our stocking crew at [insert store here]. 
I could technically get fired if I put the store there. :)

Anyway, so she got hired and her first day was truck day if I remember correctly. Everyone feels lost their first day, so everyone was pretty tolerant. Especially me, I wanted to make sure she learned everything she needed and became proficient fast- that helps everyone. 

Had I known that training her to become a decent worker was like teaching an elephant to tap dance I wouldn't have wasted my time.

The whole day when the crew was training her, it was like a battle of wits. Well more like she had this huge vortex that sucked everyone's wits into it. No matter how many times someone taught her to find an item reading the special sequence of numbers on the box, she just didn't get it.

Amy: How do I find this?
Patient Coworker: Okay so here is the description of what the item inside is, it's a candle so let's walk over to the candle aisle. See here is the first three numbers: 730, look at that section- Oh here it is. Now it's in section A, so here's that section, now it's space 42. Scan the counter until you get to 42 aaaannnndd aha! There it is. See? Do you understand?
Amy: Yeah yeah I think so.

Unsuspecting of the actual lack of understanding, the patient coworker walks back across the store to their section to put away their stuff. 10 minutes later Amy returns with her new box.


Amy: How do I find this?
Patient Coworker: The same way I taught you how to find that candle...
Amy: I don't remember.
Patient Coworker: ...Okay here let me show you one more time. [Coworker teaches her again.] Now do you understand?
Amy: Yeah yeah I think so.

Amy walks off slowly and puts her box away. Twenty minutes later she returns again, with another question.

Amy: How do I find this?
Patient Coworker: I have taught you twice! Are you serious? Go find it yourself I can't stop every ten minutes to show you how to read the box.  
Amy: Should I get a gun?
Patient Coworker: The gun will tell you the exact same thing the box does.  
Amy: Should I get a gun?
Patient Coworker: No you should NOT get a gun. It won't help you if you can't read the damn box!
Amy: Well how do I find it then!!
Patient Coworker: Guh. [shows one more time]. Got it?


-----------------------------------------------------


Oh and it didn't stop their either. It continued like that the WHOLE TIME. Other things tended to happen as well, such as when she couldn't find something, she would just leave the box some random place hoping someone else would find it. Well that's the logic I decided she was using, whether or not that was the case is beyond me. 


Okay so she can't do ONE thing, that doesn't make her a dumbass you know. I mean she could maybe just be dyslexic or have a brain tumor or God just forgot to install a brain or something. 
Well then, if that doesn't convince you..

Today at work, my manager assigned Amy to work with me. That was just awesome let me tell you. We had to take all the product off the back wall and put it into it's original spot in the store. Not very hard if you ask me. Well I had to help her flex in some books on carving pumpkins before I could start that task.
I took her to the back and grabbed everything she needed because I didn't want to spend 15 minutes explaining where carts were. I took her outside to the fixtures she was supposed to hang them on and told her "Hang them here." and she turns to me and says,
"Hang them how?"
So I shoved some zip ties in her hands and said, "Like this." 
I turned to walk away and I hear her go, "Excuse me..."
So I turn around and ask her what she wants. She replies, "Show me how to use a zip tie?"
Right then:
I lost all hope for humanity...I showed her how to use a zip tie. 

ZIPTIE R HARD!!!! :(((

After showing her how to use a zip tie, I went and worked on my project. It took her almost triple the time a normal person would use to do her project. Then she decided when she was finished to show back up to help me. Well she managed to do two sections in the time it took me to do about eight, build a planogram, and then help my manager hang up a weird fixture for marker pens. 

Then it was break time. That was pretty good. We walked back to the break room and we had to fill out our daily goal sheets. Well that's not too hard now is it? Well when she filled hers out she got this disgruntled look on her face like somebody had stuck a cucumber in her ass. 
We all just looked at her.
She goes, "What do I put for "Daily Task Assignment?"
My manager looks at her and goes, "Well what are you doing today? That's what goes there."
She looks at me and goes, "I don't know, what AM I doing?"

It took all my strength to not say, "Well- since I am sure they wouldn't appreciate you writing 'Being a dumbass' in that spot I really don't know what you are doing." 
Instead I just looked at her and said in a voice you might talk to a child in, "I don't know Amy, what ARE you doing today?"

She got all offensive and then forced a smile and chuckle and said, "Haha you're just trying to get me in trouble right?"
Well I was reallllly hoping I could just drown you in the sink, but since that would land me in jail- I guess trouble is the next best thing.

For my sales building idea of the day I wrote, "Fire Incompetent People."

   

     

Types of Customers

Almost everyone has to start at the bottom of the job chain in order to get where they want to be. Most people end up working some form of retail or food service in their lives.

Unless they have parents that pay for every thing and they can just breeze through college and start in a good job.
 Jerks.

I've worked retail and food service. They definitely were not the best jobs I've ever had and I still don't have the best job ever. Though the more you work with people, the more you learn to spot different types of people before even talking thoroughly with them. There are tons of different types of customers and if you work retail, especially something like a grocery store, clothing store, or hobby/craft shop, you will deal with all of them at some point.

If you've never worked in a customer oriented setting, here's the scoop. 
And if you have, prepare for horrific Vietnam type flashbacks.

Customer Type #1: The needy bitch.
 So you're walking about the store, doing your job, minding your own business- when she walks in. After coming in she's frantically searching the aisles like a crack addict needing her fix. 

Shaking profusely, drooling, eyes twitching....

Oh shit. She's spotted you.
Run! Run you sorry bastard! 
RU- Oh right you work here.
She fumbles on over and stares at you, obviously needing something. Using your awesome customer service jargon you learned at orientation, you ask her how you could help her. 

That was mistake #1. 

She replies, "Well, not to be a bother, but I was looking for felt. I need sheets of felt. Red, and blue, and green, and yellow, and purple, and blue, and red, and green. Felt. I need felt, so much felt."   

You politely show her to the aisle with the felt on it. Feeling as though you've completed your task, you make...

Mistake #2. 

You ask her, "So is there anything else I can help you with?"

She makes a face sort of like this: 

 She slyly hands you some felt, "Oh well in that case, can you hold these two sheets of felt next to each other so I can see what they look like?"

Okay are you fucking serious? I have like 50 other people to help, a store to clean, other jobs to do, and you want me to hold your felt for you so you can LOOK at them? Is it really that hard to take your left hand and right hand and hold the felt away from your face so you can see what they look like together? It's TWO SHEETS OF FELT. 

Oh I get it, you're a super hero and your only weakness is felt. Your arch enemy is watching from behind the beads waiting to strike as soon as you touch the felt, as you will be powerless. Then they will defeat you and rule the world! You must be planning to buy all the felt so the villain cannot use it against you. 

But if you bought 582 sheets of felt, something would look suspicious. What if people figured out you're a super hero?
    "Oh fuck- she just bought 582 sheets of felt. Only a super hero would do that." 

So instead- you are buying only two sheets at a time, and are going to make 291 trips. Less suspicious that way.

Fucking Brilliant!

Customer Type #2: Life story.

This customer is usually a regular. They come in all the time, looking for random items. Sometimes it's trash bags, other times it's canned peas. It doesn't matter what they are looking for though; they are always going to relate it to one of their 120 cats, war experiences, crafty ideas, complaints about younger generations, or something else you don't give a shit about.

The customer walks into the store, looking around for someone to help them. You spot her. It's Marty, the old lady from downtown. Hiding your face behind a 32 pack of Charmin Ultra toilet paper, you hope she doesn't see you. No dice. As she waddles over, you ponder how long it would take to climb on top of the aisle and jump off- impaling yourself on the fork display. Before you can make your attempt she has already reached you.

Marty: Excuse me, do you guys have glitter?

Why we sure do, let me show you where it is! 
   ...as you walk to the glitter- 
So why do you need glitter today? Working on a fun project? Sending the grandchild to school? Making Christmas ornaments in February? Setting yourself on fire?

Marty: No..no...no...what was that last one?

 .....Christmas ornaments.
    You reach the glitter-  
Well here you go, anything else?

Marty: Do you know when glitter was invented? Me neither, but one time I worked as a stripper at this joint in Las Vegas and we used a lot of glitter. Glitter on our nipples, panties, and hair clips. Glitter on the floors and in the curtains and glitter on the poles. Hell I'd have glitter in my cooch for days after working....

Just walk the fuck away. Do it now.


Customer Type #3: The angry couponer.

Some people like to use coupons to get discounts on items- others use them to give customer service employees paper cuts in their eyes.  

Like when the old man comes into the grocery store. You're at your register waiting for a customer to come through when his overloaded cart with 500 items in it rolls up. As you begin scanning he pulls a pocketbook stuffed so full it wont zip out of his pocket. It's full of coupons. 

3,782 coupons to be exact. 
And they're all for you. :)

After you've scanned all his items into the computer you begin looking into his coupon pile. He is dead set on using every coupon that he has in that pocketbook. Because it's protocol- you have to look at every single coupon to make sure it is valid. 

Coupon 1: Expired in 1973.
Coupon 2: For a hardware store.
Coupon 3: Although you take "competitor coupons," a mom and pop grocery store in Montana isn't really a competitor....
Coupon 4: Handwritten on toilet paper, "Free Entire Purchase- No Limit!"

The list goes on. Out of all of those coupons, four are valid. Oh he is so pissed.

"What do you mean I can only use four? I've spent my entire 80 years of life saving those coupons and dammit I'm going to use them! Let me speak to your manager! NOW!"

So you call up the manager.
The manager sees how many coupons the man has.
You can see the panic in your manager's eyes.
Wet spots begin to form in his armpits.
....and he runs away to his office.

Some help the manager is- so you refuse to take the coupons because most are expired or the fact the hardware store coupon is for a hammer the customer didn't even have in his cart.

The customer continues to press the coupons, claiming that you have to take them "Because the lady did when he came in yesterday." 
...right. Minus the fact that you were the only woman working yesterday.      

That's when you scream..."LOOK OVER THERE, OH THE HORROR!" and point in some direction.

As he looks in said direction- throw all the coupons in the shredder under your register.  
When he looks back and his coupons are gone, act like you don't know what he's talking about.
Proceed to deny the existence of coupons.
Charge full price on all items.

Somebody call Charlie Sheen, cause this guy is winning. 

Customer Type #4: It looks kinda like.... 
It's super nice when customers come into the store and know exactly what they want to buy. This makes the transaction easier for the customer and the sales rep. Or sometimes they walk in an they know what they want to do any just need the correct item for the job. 
"I want to smooth the wooden cabinet I'm making." 
By golly that person needs sand paper.

Then there's the people who THINK they know what they want, or think they know how to explain what they want in an effective way so they don't have to know what it's called.

Customer: So I'm looking for something and I need help finding it.
Rep: Oh? Well let me help you! What are you looking for?
Customer: Well I don't really know what it's called...
Rep: That's alright! What is it used for?
Customer: Um...I don't really know.
Rep: ...Okay. What does it look like...?
Customer:  It's purple.
Rep: Alright, um- well we have a lot of purple things, perhaps explain to me what you're going to do with it?
Customer: I don't know yet I just know I need it. It's purple and it comes in a box and it has this square on it with the logo an fancy lettering on the package.
Rep: .....okay. Um...yeah.

The rep has no idea what the person wants, and it appears that the person does not either. The customer then becomes irritated that the rep cannot read their mind and know exactly what they want from a vague description. Finally the customer comes up to the registers with desired product in hand. 

They wanted purple Play-Doh.  
Dumbass rep. They should have known- it was totally obvious.