Unconventional Jobs for the Unemployed

So as well all know, our economy here in the United States is very well...it sucks. So a lot of people are unemployed. I know it's extremely hard to find a job, no matter where you live, so I decided I would help all you unemployed people come up with some unique job ideas! 

Why is this good? Because I'm awesome and you should listen to anything I tell you.

Why is this bad? Because I'm awesome and you should listen to anything I tell you.

Anywho, I came up with a fantastic list of jobs! It'll something that nobody else will take from you! It will be like that cuddly fuzzy gerbil from your childhood that you would play dress up with, hold close, and nap with...and then you rolled over on it during a nightmarish fit and crushed it. Bad example. My apologies. 

Holy hell, here have a tissue, baby. 

Continuing on. So I have this awesome list of jobs that you should look into. They could help put bread on your table! Or limbs, depending on your choice of job...ANYWAY! Onward with the list! 

Unconventional Job #1:

Become a Serial Killer 

 The job doesn't pay all that well, but you can feel all the glory of playing God. Which for some, is better than money! If you think about it, you can steal the money out of people's wallets after they're dead. Right? They won't need it, because they're dead! 

Pros:

• You set your own hours!
• You are your own boss!
• No cubicle!
• Strength increase in your upper arms from repeated stabbings!
• You get to be on TV!

Cons:

• You kill people.
• You kill people.
• You kill people.
• No health benefits.

 Where to find clientele:  Super markets, playgrounds, dark alleys, bars, your possibilities are endless!

If in fact you have moral obligation to stealing from people you kill in order to make ends meet, consider becoming an ASSASSIN! This way you can still continue what you do best, but get paid for your honest contribution to society. As well as helping some poor sap get out of a bind! You'd be helping people.

-----> -------> 

Unconventional Job #2:

Steal Puppies  

At first this job doesn't make much sense. But if you look deeper into it, it's absolute genius. Have you ever noticed that people will put up signs that say,

[Paraphrased]

I'm a dumbass and left the back gate open and spot, our four month old Dalmatian puppy escaped. 

My wife is threatening to put my balls in a meat grinder if I don't find him.

Please help my balls.

I'm deeming my balls worth a $150 reward if found, please call ###-####. 

 Thank you.

[End Paraphrase]
 

 If you didn't notice the dollar sign in there, it's right before the 150. That money could be YOURS! If you found Spot. But who has time to do that?  Instead, here's what I propose you do...

Find yourself a rich neighborhood.

Oh but those don't exist, they are a fantasy created by terrorist to make it LOOK like people are divided into social classes. That doesn't really exist. In America, all people are equal. Some people just like nicer houses than other people.

    Yeah that's right- some people LIKE living in cardboard boxes. It's like a fad or something.

         And eating out of garbage cans- that's totally a fad too. It'll pass.

 Like I said, find yourself a rich neighborhood and keep an eye out for a rich old lady with her six Pomeranian puppies prancing about her three acre yard. 

Wait for the old woman to have to go to the bathroom (you won't have too wait long, they do this A LOT) and then snatch three of her puppies and book it. 

Helpful Tip #1:

It is beneficial to your operation to have a getaway car. Most people would not agree to stealing puppies, but they aren't the ones starving now are they? You don't have to tell them what you're doing. Claim you're with Meals on Wheels and you need to go to old women's houses that have pure bred dogs. It'll work.

IT WILL.

 After you've reached your getaway car, proceed to throw the puppies in the back of the rapist van* and get in the car screaming, "GO GO GO!!!!!"

*Note, it will not work if you do not have a rapist van, and do not proceed to scream, "GO GO GO!" in a Dukes of Hazard fashion. 

No I'm not promoting rape, JUST because you own a rapist van doesn't mean you're a rapist.

    I know PLENTY of people who own rapist vans who aren't creepers.

    Okay, name three.

              ....No, I don't feel like it.

Wait for about three to four days and then you will see online postings or even TV commercials depending on how rich your old woman is, about her missing puppies. Likely there will be no reward posted the first few days. This is when patience comes in. Wait for about a week or two and soon there will be a nice juicy reward. This is when you pack your pups up and take them back to the old woman's house. 

Tell her you saved them from some asshole in a rapist van.

Make sure to park your van around the corner. 

She'll gladly fork over your earned reward from saving her puppies from a most unfortunate fate. BING! Easy earnings.

Pros:

• Get to have adorable puppies (or perhaps ugly depending on breed...) in your home while waiting for promised reward.
• Get to enjoy teaching them bad habits such as peeing on the carpet (take them to visit a friend), chewing shoes (use your girlfriend's), or jumping on the table and eating people food.
• Overall great job for dog lovers!

Cons: 

• Possible hospitalizations for dog bites.
• You can't steal the same dog twice. 
• Dog hair in your apartment/house.
• Rabies?

---> ------>

Unconventional Job #3: 

Nerd Escort 

This job is great, because it involves little work at all, and you get to enjoy great* company!

*No Money Back Guarantee. 

Post an ad in the newspaper or advertise around the college towns. You are officially a Nerd Escort. What exactly does a Nerd Escort do?

WHOA WHOA. Don't Escorts like...have SEX with people!? YOU SICK FREAK. 

Hey that's just IMPLIED. You don't have to have sex with anybody! They might be disappointed, but they still have to pay you. Ha. Anyway, you don't have to worry about it because nerds don't know what sex is! 

Sex Ed does not count. Putting a condom on a banana doesn't count. They probably thought it was some strange sick joke when the teacher told them to put the condom on the banana. They felt it was useless and improbable, because while masturbating, it never got that big.

Obviously, women have sex with bananas, why else would he be having us put condoms on bananas?

     Stupid sex education teacher, why the hell would we need to know how to put a condom on a banana? The girl can just do it. 

           Fine I'll do it. But only because you're threatening my academic career.

[Tetris Theme Music]

OW GOD IT FLEW INTO MY EYE!

See you have nothing to worry about. There will be no sex involved. Promise. 

What you will have to do, is learn to play the following games:

• Dungeons and Dragons
• Magic the Gathering

 If you would rather stab yourself in the liver 17 times than learn to play these games, that is okay. Some people just can't handle it. Nobody would blame you. 

Although if you think you can handle it, go for it. Pretty much you're going to be the pretty girl/guy that sits around the table and is eye-candy while everyone plays their game

Sorry if you're ugly. This won't work for you.

--->------->  

Unconventional Job #4:

Organic Bug Killer 

All those people with bug problems that are afraid of chemicals will be calling you up. You just have to be prepared for the awesome that is bug killing!

What you will need:

• Number for people to reach you, and a phone.
• Three paper sacks.
• Toothpicks.
• Awesome sunglasses (to look professional).

When you are called to duty. You must arrive looking professional. If you don't have a vehicle with your organic bug killer logo on it, make sure to write the name of your company in sharpie on some toilet paper, and then tape it to your car. This look would be great since you're organic, because toilet paper degrades! 


Get out of your car, and professionally ask, in an Arnold-ish voice, "WHERE ARE DA BUGS?" 


Proceed to bugs. 


When the person asks how you kill mass numbers of bugs without chemicals, bring out your big guns. 


Toothpicks.

Begin to stab at the bugs until they go away.

No it's not efficient. But chemicals kill people. When she complains about how inefficient it is, ask her if she wants her newborn to have three arms. That'll shut her up.  

Place bugs in the paper sacks. 

She will probably fight about paying you, and won't call you back, but that's okay right?

If all else fails you can just release the bugs in her bathroom and close the door before you leave. :)

--------------------------------------------------------------

Hopefully some people find this list of jobs helpful, even though it isn't that long. Quality over quantity right?

....right?

Fine, shut up. If you don't like my advice you can go create an Etsy account. If you want to save your dignity, you can try one of the above options. YOUR CHOICE.

Pandora['s box of unrelated music]

I am pretty sure that many of you know what Pandora is. If you don't, then I'm sorry you're not going to understand what I'm talking about.

[Just kidding I'm not a bitch.]

I lied, I am, but for the sake of people who read this blog, I will tell you what it is.

So Pandora is this online music radio station... thing. My friend introduced it to me and after reading about it, it sounded pretty good. I mean, putting in an artist you like, which in theory will bring up other bands you like because of their strikingly similarity; it's pretty ingenious.

You put in Aerosmith, and theoretically should get bands like Alice in Chains, AC/DC, or similar bands. Correct?

That's what those bitches want you to think.

 So I gave it a shot, because I was sick of listening to Itunes play the same songs over and over even though I had it set to random with my whole library of 16 days worth of music to choose from....

Sorry, tangent.

So I get on, and type in:

"Adam Lambert"

Alright, the first song is, as expected, Adam Lambert! Alright this station is pretty kick ass, yeah Pandora rocks! Woo brainwashing!

Wait what?

So then I listen to the Adam Lambert song, and all is fine and dandy. The next song on the list, is Judas by Lady Gaga. 

They're similar enough that I'm alright with it. I mean I don't associate Adam Lambert with Gaga, but I am sure in the music world they are close enough to make it onto the same Pandora station without colliding into a massive black hole. So far, so good. This is when I had to go pee.

Shut up, everyone does it. You're NOT exempt. Unless you're some sick freakish robot that doesn't have bodily functions. In that case, welcome to my blog- have a cookie.

I came back and there was some weird freakish music I'd never heard before playing. I was like, alright, obviously just a band I've never heard of. I get on and look at who this obnoxious woman was...

Nicki Minaj.

Who the HELL is she? *googles*

Oh hell no.

She's not even close to Adam Lambert! WHY ARE YOU ON MY ADAM LAMBERT STATION YOU WENCH?

This is why I assume Pandora created this wonderful skip button. Not only that, but Pandora has "This shit makes my baby cry" button. Symbolized ever so creatively with a thumbs down icon. 

I figured it would be disrespectful to not utilize all the tools Pandora had provided me, so I clicked it. A message popped up from Pandora: One of caring and respect. 

[Paraphrased]

"We're terribly sorry that we suck at picking music that's similar to what you wanted. We promise we wont play this song ever, ever, ever again as long as we feel like it."  

Well that seems just nice.  How awesome of them to do that. :) 

The next song comes up. It's Lupe Fiasco "The Show Goes On."

What the HELL. I don't understand. How are these artists similar to Adam Lambert....unless..


Oh no. Adam Lambert is a rapper? Adam why didn't you tell me. :(


I FEEL SO BETRAYED. DINNER IS SOOO OFF. 

Yeah and just for your information Adam...

We're over.

 
 

Religion vs Biology....can't we have both?

So last night, I got in a discussion on Facebook with an…acquaintance …perhaps.

                Really what it is- is that I was friends on Facebook with her boyfriend when she added me. This says to me that because I have a vagina, she must add me to make sure that I am not secretly Facebook fucking her boyfriend. It doesn’t matter to her that we are 1,200 miles apart. Over the internet, it doesn’t matter HOW far away you are. Facebook cyber sex is real, and it is a threat.

So as I was skimming my Facebook feed, looking for anything interesting that I could read or perhaps engage in. That’s when her status ran into my feed…

                [Insert Fancy Facebook Name]

                                I just find it SO amazing how so many beautiful people came from only two individuals.

I’d never really talked to this girl, she was just one of those 100 friends on my list, you know- the kind you added for no apparent reason.

It’s like when you scroll down your friends list going, “Where is she from…or this dude?  Who is this?” Then you scroll about ¾ the way down your list and finally find one you remember. The guy who was at your friend’s party and was so plastered he could barely stand. He asked for your number and you politely gave him the number 2. After that he was determined to know you, and using his extensive network of potentially connected friends, found you on Facebook. He added you, and after some intense rejecting and him adding you again, you finally added him. This was only because you had planned to sneakily unfriend him later when he was less likely to notice. But you forgot.

Now you get to see his pictures of all the parties he goes to in your news feed. Yeah, you know the ones. The ones where he is in tiny gold shorts slightly resembling Rocky’s in the Horror Picture Show. Except he doesn’t shave his legs, and his bulge doesn’t look half as nice.

Way to go.

Dumbass.

Anyway, I thought to myself that perhaps I should talk to her. She isn’t dating my friend anymore, so I figured I’d test the water to see if I even wanted to keep her on my friends list. I mean she could potentially be awesome.

Or she could be an ignorant religiously brainwashed generalist.

But you just can never gauge these things you know?

So I decided that I would jokingly post something on her status that I, personally, thought was funny. But then again I am a biologist so this was something that greatly amused me about the whole aspect of an entire population coming forth from two people.

[Insert Awesome Theme Music] DISCLAIMER TIME******

                As you read on, I must press the matter of what I actually think. I believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I am not denying anything, nor claiming anything. I was merely stating facts and she interpreted them the way she did. Don’t make the same mistake. Or I’ll shank you.

So I jokingly posted on her status…

                “You know, speaking from a biological standpoint, it is very unlikely that an extensive population of seven billion could rise from only two individuals. Mutations and problems due to inbreeding brought on by the genetic bottleneck would accelerate the extinction of the species. That or it would create a population ill-suited for the environment which eventually would die off anyway…

[-and then came the most crucial part of my entire statement….]

:P ;)”

Those two smileys alone brought me peace of mind, in the fact that I expected she wouldn’t overlook them and then blow this into something it wasn’t supposed to be.

But you can never gauge these things, you know?

She promptly replied, much quicker than I expected,

                “Well then, Miss Biology, if we didn’t come from two individuals, then why do we share like, 99.9999999999% of our DNA?! HMMM!?”

I was slightly amused by her remark. I read it as like a jokingly reply to my joke.

Too bad I’m really bad at gauging these things. (Have I mentioned that?)

So I thought about it, and I said,

                “Probably the same reason we share about 30-40% of our DNA with mushrooms, and we share 95% of our genome with pigs, and how we’re like 68% genetically identical to moths. If you want make that argument, Adam and Eve must have been pumping out way more than just humans.”

I got a prompt reply, once again.

                “Anyone who believes garbage like that is stupid. It says right in the Bible that God put two humans on the planet to be fruitful. We made it because God wanted us to!”

Right after posting this, I began to think about what was going through her head. This was turning into the religious argument I had intended the smileys to prevent…

FUCK YOU SMILEYS YOU FAILED ME….:P ;)

She posted another reply following her other one.

                “I bet you believe that we evolved from monkeys too huh? That evolution stuff is a lie. Evolution isn’t real, it’s a total crap.”

I realized that she was no longer (or possibly ever) joking around. This bitch was serious, and she denied science. Who does that?

I’ll tell you who.

This bitch.

The fact she automatically accused me of believing that we evolved from monkeys was an insult. The fact that I knew how genetics works automatically means I believe that we evolved from monkeys.

Man I had no idea I believed that. I am such a failure.

I got snarky with her and replied,

                “Exactly! Evolution is just something Darwin made up to explain why we had antibiotics that worked two weeks ago and then suddenly they don’t work anymore.”

 Really it’s because we pissed off the demons that live in our colon. I didn’t want her to know that though, because then she’d be right.

She proceeded to tell me how that was only antibiotic resistance and, in fact, had NOTHING to do with evolution.

I proceeded to explain to her what bacterial resistance stems from. The evolution of the bacteria through generations while being treated with antibiotics, one mutated bacterium could produce a whole colony of resistant bacteria. 

[Some people argue that this microevolution doesn't count. I don't care- she argued that evolution is a lie. Meaning evolution period, this includes micro, macro, species, and toaster evolution]

She replies,

                “That is NOT right. From ONE mutated bacteria huh? Hey, remember how in the Bible, God put two of every animal on the ark? Yeah, that’s because you have to have TWO to reproduce!”

I stopped. This was honestly the stupidest remark I’d ever read in my life.

No I’m not kidding.

I didn’t hear what your mom said at Thanksgiving last year so that doesn’t count.

I had to keep myself from tearing her apart and decided to post something nice….ish,

                “Hey, remember how in the Bible it doesn’t say, ‘…and then God put two bacteria on the Ark.’? Yeah, that’s because they can reproduce ASEXUALLY.”

It took a little while for her to reply to that one, I figured she’d given up since she had made a fool of herself. About ten minutes later the little notification popped up.

“Stop making stupid stuff up because you know you’re wrong. GOD is the only real power and the fact you deny him doesn’t make him any less real.”

Good comeback, totally trumps anything I could have come up with.

She blocked me.

DAMNIT SMILEYS.

 :P ;)

I stand with Planned Parenthood.

Because if we make a big enough splash, maybe something will change.

Who Writes These Anyway?

So today in math class I realized something.

Every single story problem in my math book is stupid. 

No wonder kids are failing math. Seriously.

#34. Little Billy is standing in a forest. There's a tree next to him. Billy's shadow is 3 feet long. Billy is 4 feet tall. The Tree's shadow is 13 feet long. The Tree is how many feet tall?

Alright, so first off. Why the hell is Little Billy in the forest? By himself nonetheless. I'm going to call Child Services on Billy's mother. She's doing a terrible job. Does she even know what lives in the forest? Bears, and mushrooms, and weasels, and clowns. Rabid clowns that devour children's souls. Billy is in grave danger. What if the tree decided that it wanted nobody to be around to hear it fall so it fell on Billy, killing him instantly. Or perhaps not so instantly, and Billy lay there for hours in agonizing pain wishing he had not been so curious as to how tall that tree really was.

Alright, so perhaps that wasn't such a good reason why the problem is stupid. Okay, yeah. Really- it's a fantastic reason. Nobody gives a damn about Little Billy and a tree. It's boring and pointless. Nobody walks into a forest randomly and stands next to a tree and wants to know how tall that tree is.
Another thing- how does Billy know how long the tree's shadow is? HM? If he's so good at telling how long shadows are, why can't he just tell how tall the damn tree is? 

Now if the problem was written like this it would be more captivating:

#34. Little Billy had nearly escaped his drunken hillbilly mother in an attempt to gain his freedom. As he ran from the trailer park at a speed of 3 feet per second, his drunken mother chased after him in a rage. Her speed was 5 feet per second due to slightly longer legs. There was a random pine tree ahead and Billy decided he was going to have to climb it in order to escape his toothless mother. Billy calculated the tree's shadow by counting the seconds he ran as he went across the shadow. He ran for 6 seconds. Therefore the the tree's shadow was 18 feet long. As Billy attempted to calculate the height of the tree his mother caught him and clobbered him to death. Calculate the number of years Billy's mom will be in the prison system.

See? Isn't that way more fun? As much as I love trees, I don't fucking care how tall they are.

Another thing I never understood:
Teachers and even professors do this. When they are about to talk about a useless subject nobody cares about, they always try to draw the class in:

"Well I bet you've all wondered as you stare at your drinking glass, how much work it'd take to pump all the water out of it."
Actually, no, no I don't. I look at that glass and go, "Damn that looks refreshing." and I drink it. I don't ask myself about how much work it'd take to pump my orange juice onto the table. Why would anybody in their right mind do that? Nobody does that Peterson. Nobody.

"How many times have you been enjoying your lunch when you think to yourself, I wonder what chemicals make up this soda pop!?" 
None, never have I thought that. Sometimes I think "I'm slowly killing myself by drinking this...oh well." or I don't even think at all because the reason I'm drinking it is because it's so late but I have a midterm tomorrow and I have to study and this can is chock full of caffeine. But no, Walker, I don't care what chemicals make up my soda pop, all I care about is how to get it from the can, into mah belleh. 

Never will I understand how they expect people to become direly interested when they provide the most ridiculous scenarios for people to relate to.

When Work Clothes Aren't Enough-

So today at work was pretty fun, ya know, the usual. I went into work like normal people do. I went into the back room and I put on my apron, my headset, my RF gun, and my name tag.

It was time to go onto the floor.


I clocked into the system and I put on my best smile (which isn't very good, who the fuck can do this? Smiling all day at work. I'm not Barbie- my face isn't made of plastic. I swear I crave the moments when the customers aren't looking and I can just look at my feet and frown like this ->   >:((((((!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, I even frown exclamation points, thanks for asking.)

Oh, speaking of customers. I swear sometimes...just yeah. Don't get me wrong- they pay my wages. That's important and all, but seriously sometimes I wonder if they even have a brain. Some experiences help me to continue believing that..

Experience One:
I'm standing near a drive aisle, stocking items into a bin. Tins, I think. A lady walks by me and I say, "Hello! How are you today? Can I help you find anything?"

I receive the reply,  "I'm sorry do you work here?"

I stare for a second, a thought crosses my mind. I'm wearing an apron, an earpiece headset, a black collared shirt, khaki pants (Okay seriously, who the HELL wears khaki pants if they don't have to? You don't see people looking around the clothing store going, "Hey can you please tell me where the khaki pants are? I'm going to this really happening party and I want all the girls to see me in something cool." NO.) Hell I was wearing a name tag too.

I thought about it for a second, and without really thinking about it (haha that doesn't make sense.) I said, "No, I just like to dress like an employee and work around the store to mess with customers. It really gets me off."

Okay, so I was really lucky she had a sense of humor, cause I'm pretty sure I could have been fired for that remark.

Experience Two:

I was working as a cashier at that time, and a woman I dread seeing came in. Every time she comes in she ends up asking me for help (WHY GOD WHYYY?). Well she comes up to the register and she has her two items in hand. She sets them on the counter along with two coupons. Seems pretty normal right? Well here's the problem, I can't take two of the same coupons from the same person in the same day. That's policy- and it states that RIGHT ON THE COUPON IN BOLD LETTERS.

 KORI CANNOT TAKE TWO OF THESE IN ONE DAY FROM THE SAME PERSON. YES MARGIE THAT MEANS YOU.


Still, she proceeds to push the coupons at me. This is not the first time I've told her that I cannot take the coupons. She's come in multitudes of times and done this. I don't know why she doesn't learn.

Oh she is pissed.

"Well last time I came in the lady let me use both!" she explains.
"Well, they must not know our policy very well, because I am not allowed to take both of these." I explain politely.
"WHY NOT?" she bellows like a hippo. She actually doesn't look too different from a hippo, now that I think about it. She can't even button the button on her jean shorts...or zip them up. Anyway-
"It's policy, mam, it states clearly on the coupon as well that you can only use one type of coupon per day."
"WELL THEY LET ME DO IT LAST TIME!"
"Mam, I am incredibly sorry, but I just can't do it, it will cause problems and I will get written up."
"You should get written up for not taking my coupon!"
"Why don't you bring it in tomorrow and get your other item? Or save it for a more pricey item perhaps? It could save you more money that way!"
"BUT I WANT TO USE IT NOW! I DEMAND TO SPEAK TO A MANAGER!"
"Alright, let me call one."


All this fuss- over a 3 dollar purchase. Yeah, the manager let her do it, she saved 30 cents.



Experience Three:
A guy and his girlfriend came in. They stopped me and asked me a peculiar question I'd never been asked, "Hey where is the stuff to make a beer pong table?" The only reason I even knew what that was, was because my old roommate liked to play beer pong.

I stared at them for a moment.

Um, what? I had to think a moment. What did you need to make a beer pong table?
"Well, we don't sell ping pong tables...." I slowly say, "We have tape though, and neon paint. Would that work?"

"Well, I need the table too. How can you have beer pong with no table?"

 Hell I don't know dude, if you expected to find a beer pong table for sale at an art store, you're shit out of luck. Why didn't you try somewhere else? Like maybe the internet. The internet is great for weirdos wanting to buy shit from other weirdos. Craigslist even has listings for people selling virginity. Good ole' virginity. 

His girlfriend piped up and asked me where the paint was. I took them to the paint. I showed them the neon colours that we carried.

"We need something that would glow under black light." the girl said.
Last time I checked, neon/fluorescent paints glow under black light. Unless for some reason the paint companies decided to be funny and lie on the packages that say, "GLOWS UNDER BLACK LIGHT!" Ha those bitches, they'll never know until it's too late! HA HA HA! WE'LL MAKE MILLIONS!

I politely explain that the neon and florescent paints will glow under a black light. But I also warned them that they should coat the paint on the table with a sealant. Now comes the question: Why?

Well unless you have these magical glasses that stop the flow of liquid onto a table after a ping pong ball is thrown at nearly mach speed because Garret doesn't realize you don't have to throw it like a moron, you're going to get your paint wet. Paint tends to run if you do not seal it properly. I mean you'd think its common sense, if you're bad at throwing balls into a cup, which obviously Garret is, you're going to miss, or throw it too hard and splash the table.

This means Garrett would have to take a shot, slowly this cycle would cause drunkenness. Drunk = Even Worse At Throwing A Ping Pong Ball Into A Tiny Cup. So you'd end up with even more splashes on your table. Perhaps even spilled beer. OH GOD NOT SPILLED BEER. ANYTHING BUT THAT. HURRY- LICK IT OFF THE TABLE!!!

Then people would lick the paint off the table.

Do you get where I'm going with this? Probably not, if you're this guy and his girlfriend.
They ended up leaving without buying anything, because we didn't sell ping pong tables.

DAMN.