Types of Customers

Almost everyone has to start at the bottom of the job chain in order to get where they want to be. Most people end up working some form of retail or food service in their lives.

Unless they have parents that pay for every thing and they can just breeze through college and start in a good job.
 Jerks.

I've worked retail and food service. They definitely were not the best jobs I've ever had and I still don't have the best job ever. Though the more you work with people, the more you learn to spot different types of people before even talking thoroughly with them. There are tons of different types of customers and if you work retail, especially something like a grocery store, clothing store, or hobby/craft shop, you will deal with all of them at some point.

If you've never worked in a customer oriented setting, here's the scoop. 
And if you have, prepare for horrific Vietnam type flashbacks.

Customer Type #1: The needy bitch.
 So you're walking about the store, doing your job, minding your own business- when she walks in. After coming in she's frantically searching the aisles like a crack addict needing her fix. 

Shaking profusely, drooling, eyes twitching....

Oh shit. She's spotted you.
Run! Run you sorry bastard! 
RU- Oh right you work here.
She fumbles on over and stares at you, obviously needing something. Using your awesome customer service jargon you learned at orientation, you ask her how you could help her. 

That was mistake #1. 

She replies, "Well, not to be a bother, but I was looking for felt. I need sheets of felt. Red, and blue, and green, and yellow, and purple, and blue, and red, and green. Felt. I need felt, so much felt."   

You politely show her to the aisle with the felt on it. Feeling as though you've completed your task, you make...

Mistake #2. 

You ask her, "So is there anything else I can help you with?"

She makes a face sort of like this: 

 She slyly hands you some felt, "Oh well in that case, can you hold these two sheets of felt next to each other so I can see what they look like?"

Okay are you fucking serious? I have like 50 other people to help, a store to clean, other jobs to do, and you want me to hold your felt for you so you can LOOK at them? Is it really that hard to take your left hand and right hand and hold the felt away from your face so you can see what they look like together? It's TWO SHEETS OF FELT. 

Oh I get it, you're a super hero and your only weakness is felt. Your arch enemy is watching from behind the beads waiting to strike as soon as you touch the felt, as you will be powerless. Then they will defeat you and rule the world! You must be planning to buy all the felt so the villain cannot use it against you. 

But if you bought 582 sheets of felt, something would look suspicious. What if people figured out you're a super hero?
    "Oh fuck- she just bought 582 sheets of felt. Only a super hero would do that." 

So instead- you are buying only two sheets at a time, and are going to make 291 trips. Less suspicious that way.

Fucking Brilliant!

Customer Type #2: Life story.

This customer is usually a regular. They come in all the time, looking for random items. Sometimes it's trash bags, other times it's canned peas. It doesn't matter what they are looking for though; they are always going to relate it to one of their 120 cats, war experiences, crafty ideas, complaints about younger generations, or something else you don't give a shit about.

The customer walks into the store, looking around for someone to help them. You spot her. It's Marty, the old lady from downtown. Hiding your face behind a 32 pack of Charmin Ultra toilet paper, you hope she doesn't see you. No dice. As she waddles over, you ponder how long it would take to climb on top of the aisle and jump off- impaling yourself on the fork display. Before you can make your attempt she has already reached you.

Marty: Excuse me, do you guys have glitter?

Why we sure do, let me show you where it is! 
   ...as you walk to the glitter- 
So why do you need glitter today? Working on a fun project? Sending the grandchild to school? Making Christmas ornaments in February? Setting yourself on fire?

Marty: No..no...no...what was that last one?

 .....Christmas ornaments.
    You reach the glitter-  
Well here you go, anything else?

Marty: Do you know when glitter was invented? Me neither, but one time I worked as a stripper at this joint in Las Vegas and we used a lot of glitter. Glitter on our nipples, panties, and hair clips. Glitter on the floors and in the curtains and glitter on the poles. Hell I'd have glitter in my cooch for days after working....

Just walk the fuck away. Do it now.


Customer Type #3: The angry couponer.

Some people like to use coupons to get discounts on items- others use them to give customer service employees paper cuts in their eyes.  

Like when the old man comes into the grocery store. You're at your register waiting for a customer to come through when his overloaded cart with 500 items in it rolls up. As you begin scanning he pulls a pocketbook stuffed so full it wont zip out of his pocket. It's full of coupons. 

3,782 coupons to be exact. 
And they're all for you. :)

After you've scanned all his items into the computer you begin looking into his coupon pile. He is dead set on using every coupon that he has in that pocketbook. Because it's protocol- you have to look at every single coupon to make sure it is valid. 

Coupon 1: Expired in 1973.
Coupon 2: For a hardware store.
Coupon 3: Although you take "competitor coupons," a mom and pop grocery store in Montana isn't really a competitor....
Coupon 4: Handwritten on toilet paper, "Free Entire Purchase- No Limit!"

The list goes on. Out of all of those coupons, four are valid. Oh he is so pissed.

"What do you mean I can only use four? I've spent my entire 80 years of life saving those coupons and dammit I'm going to use them! Let me speak to your manager! NOW!"

So you call up the manager.
The manager sees how many coupons the man has.
You can see the panic in your manager's eyes.
Wet spots begin to form in his armpits.
....and he runs away to his office.

Some help the manager is- so you refuse to take the coupons because most are expired or the fact the hardware store coupon is for a hammer the customer didn't even have in his cart.

The customer continues to press the coupons, claiming that you have to take them "Because the lady did when he came in yesterday." 
...right. Minus the fact that you were the only woman working yesterday.      

That's when you scream..."LOOK OVER THERE, OH THE HORROR!" and point in some direction.

As he looks in said direction- throw all the coupons in the shredder under your register.  
When he looks back and his coupons are gone, act like you don't know what he's talking about.
Proceed to deny the existence of coupons.
Charge full price on all items.

Somebody call Charlie Sheen, cause this guy is winning. 

Customer Type #4: It looks kinda like.... 
It's super nice when customers come into the store and know exactly what they want to buy. This makes the transaction easier for the customer and the sales rep. Or sometimes they walk in an they know what they want to do any just need the correct item for the job. 
"I want to smooth the wooden cabinet I'm making." 
By golly that person needs sand paper.

Then there's the people who THINK they know what they want, or think they know how to explain what they want in an effective way so they don't have to know what it's called.

Customer: So I'm looking for something and I need help finding it.
Rep: Oh? Well let me help you! What are you looking for?
Customer: Well I don't really know what it's called...
Rep: That's alright! What is it used for?
Customer: Um...I don't really know.
Rep: ...Okay. What does it look like...?
Customer:  It's purple.
Rep: Alright, um- well we have a lot of purple things, perhaps explain to me what you're going to do with it?
Customer: I don't know yet I just know I need it. It's purple and it comes in a box and it has this square on it with the logo an fancy lettering on the package.
Rep: .....okay. Um...yeah.

The rep has no idea what the person wants, and it appears that the person does not either. The customer then becomes irritated that the rep cannot read their mind and know exactly what they want from a vague description. Finally the customer comes up to the registers with desired product in hand. 

They wanted purple Play-Doh.  
Dumbass rep. They should have known- it was totally obvious.  

Eight Legged Killers

Let me tell you, if some big guy came bashing into my house, guns flailing shooting holes in my ceiling demanding my money...
I'd give it to him.

I'd be like,
  "Dude get dah fuck out of mah house." D:<
I'd get a bat and hit him with it and kick him till he was dead.
Okay no I wouldn't.

But if you think about it, if someone came into your house, threatening the lives of your family and yourself you would be more than willing to try your hand at kicking their ass. It's only natural.
Self defense.
Protecting your kin.
Whatever you want to call it.

Although, when I am faced with a different kind of situation I tend to panic and run in circles, making sure to steer clear of the object causing me peril. 

Oh not to mention, I scream like a little girl. 

Spiders.
Little bastards. 
People are all like, "Oh man you can't blame them they are just trying to liiiiive. They just wanna liiiive."
They can live all they want- but it can't be in MY house.

"Oh but they eat bugs, and they keep you from having to use pesticides in your home."
Annnnnd....?

The point is. Spiders are these tiny little things. While all of them are "harmful" in some fashion, very few are deadly to humans. Why are so many of us afraid of them?
Cause their fucking scary- that's why. 

How shit goes down.
I'm on the computer doing homework, watching Netflix, or surfing porn Facebook. I happen to spot something out of the corner of my eye moving across the wall. That feeling of dread takes over and I slowly look up to see a black spider scaling the wall. 

What I wish happened...
1) I walk over to the kitchen, and I grab a cup. Calmly of course, as there's no problem if the spider gets away because I can just catch it later. 
2) Grab a piece of scratch paper sitting on the floor near the spider.
3) Gently set cup over spider, slide paper underneath.
4) Put spider outside.
5) Sit back down the continue previous tasks, unfazed.

What actually happens...
1) Think I see spider while doing whatever I am doing. Ponder if I should actually look up to see the spider or if I should just ignore it and hope it goes away because "it's not really there."
2) Decide to quickly look up and just see if it really is a spider or if I'm just being paranoid. 
3) See that it is a spider.
4) Begin to panic. Notice that it is all the way across the room but could charge any moment. 
5) Wonder what to do. Pull feet onto the couch because spiders wouldn't dare try to scale a couch. 
6) Yell for Brian, wait for three minutes.
7) Brian catches spider, puts spider outside, goes back upstairs. 
8) Continue to think that there are spiders everywhere. Scream at every leaf, dust bunny, stain on the carpet, or hair because I think it's a spider. 


Now I've thought about it, and there must be quite the panic going through Brian's mind when this happens. Because it's never just...
"Brian!! Come down here there's a spider, could you get it?" in a calm fashion.
Instead it usually goes...

"Brian! BRIAN!! BRIIIAAN!!! AHHHHHHHHH! AHHHH! AH AH AH AH AH!! AH BRIAN BRIAN BRIAN!! AHH HELP ME! EEEEE! AHHHH! AHHHH!"
 Accompanied by various slamming noises as I try to jump on anything nearby and knock shit on the floor. 


What probably goes through Brian's head:
Oh no, Kori is screaming at the top of her lungs in need of assistance, in a very loud and panicked voice. What could be happening?
Possible scenarios that go through his head as he runs to my aid...

• Robber has broken in and is beating the living shit out of her while trying to steal her plants.
• She has accidentally set the kitchen on fire while trying to bake tofu.
• She slipped and fell and broke her leg/foot/hip. 
• A flaming UFO has crashed into our 5 by 6 foot back yard.  
• She's mad because I didn't help with dinner and she needs my help now.
• Bigfoot is attempting to kidnap her to the fore.....it's a spider.

Nope- just a spider.
And it's not even a big spider.
What. The. Fuck. 
  
 

Things That Shouldn't Irriate Me [but do]

Everyone has their pet peeves, some people have more than others. I personally have quite a few, and since you probably follow me if you're reading this you know I tend to dislike a lot of things.
But at least it's kind of funny reading about it right?
Right? :( 

 When people draw their eyebrows on (poorly)
I know this isn't really that big of a deal, but have you ever really thought about it? It's kind of obnoxious. There's like a hundred different ways to draw your eyebrows on, and every way makes you look even more ridiculous if you draw them incorrectly. 
Mmmmeyebrowbigot.

I realized this when I was at the grocery store one day, I was going through the line and there is this checker who shaves her eyebrows off and draws them on with eyeliner maybe? Well every time I go in, they are a little bit different. Each time she says something, she says it the same monotonous way, but her eyebrows make it say so much more.
Oh miss Checker Lady, what your eyebrows say to me...

When you draw them too high...
You say, "That will be $21.50 please." 
But your eyebrows say, "YOU OWE ME $21.50!! WHEEEEE!"

When you draw them slightly too low or slanted...
You say, "Do you want paper or plastic?"
But your eyebrows say, " Bitch you better use paper or I'll stab you in the liver."

One time you forgot to draw them on....
You just looked fucking weird.

Why would you want to draw your eyebrows on anyway? 
"Well I was trying to shave off my unibrow and I accidentally shaved one brow too much so I shaved the other one more, then they were uneven so I tried to fix them and by the time I was done I had no eyebrows. So I drew them on with a sharpie."

Brilliant plan. I like it. Next time, use tweezers, they are like 92 cents at Wal-Mart. 

It's not like it really affects me in the slightest, but it's just one of those things that makes me want to switch checker lines because I don't want to laugh at her. Seriously it's just hard. It's emotionally confusing. They say one thing but they look differently. It's like the people who draw them on and they look excited all the time.
Nobody is excited all the fucking time.

"My Grandmother just died!!" (Excited eyebrows)
Fucking sicko, what, did she leave you in her will?

To the granddaughter who was always so excited....


Conspiracy Theorists...
You're sitting at the airport and this dick next to you is talking about how the TSA is only out to molest children. They don't care about terrorist because really, Obama hires terrorists and it's a total inside job. They just dress up like terrorists and do their job blowing shit up.

Oh really asshole, and what exactly does a terrorist look like?
     You know, they carry around bombs strapped to their waist, they wear a turban full of guns, and they are definitely Muslim. That last one is the most important.

Right...so every Muslim is a terrorist?
No, see, people get that all wrong, not every Muslim is a terrorist, but every terrorist is Muslim.

You are a racist asshole you know that?
I'm only exposing the truth! The government is always watching you! They are watching us now, right fucking now man. RIGHT NOW. They have cameras in our brains. IN OUR BRAINS. They watch us through pennies and have recorders in our cars. They see all! 

Right...okay I'm going to go get molested by the TSA now...

Every single fucking policeman on the force is out to get me....
Did you rob a bank?
No....
Beat your wife?
No....  
Kick a puppy?
No....

Then they probably don't know you exist.
     "Oh but they pull me over every chance they get! I can't fucking leave my house without getting pulled over. For no fucking reason either!"


Were you speeding? Because that's probably why they pulled your ass over. 

    "......."

Yeah, that's what I thought. Jackass. 


The police are not out to get you, neither is the government, the TSA, the mayor, the Pillsbury Dough Boy, the Michelin Man, none of them. None. 


If you think that you are being sought after by people with power you are fucking narcissistic. Unless you actually did something wrong and your face is plastered all over the news- then you're probably fucked.


People with annoying laughs....
This one is almost self-explanatory. You're shopping at the furniture store, minding your own business- admiring the cute leopard print on these pillows when...

suddenly....
In the not so distant distance....
A donkey cries out for help as it's being mauled by a rhino...
Oh wait that's just some lady's fucking annoying laugh.   

I'm not even going to go into this because it's just too self explanatory. 

Last but not least...
One of my biggest pet peeves ever...
When people treat me like I'm stupid, 
Because I have a vagina.

This one I'm going to use a story to explain my point. :)
Yay story time!

So I go into Home Depot, because I want to buy some pots for my house plants. It's summer time and the little assholes tend to think they need to grow a whole bunch and cost me extra money. 
Whores.
I'm walking around the store picking up a lot of pots, like probably 15 pots. Which is equivalent to more than 40 dollars in sales. This will last me quite some time since I only have to repot them every two years or so depending on the plant. As I'm walking out I decide I want to buy myself some systemic because it's bug season. 

I head over to the pesticide section and I look for some.  
There isn't any.

So I start walking around looking for help. Isn't that what they do at stores? They hire people to help you? You'd think so. Well at least I would.

I have this really bad fantasy problem where I imagine the best of situations...

So as I am walking around I run into this guy Brad. He is pretty nice and asks the typical customer service question, 
     "Can I help you find something?"

Why yes Brad you can help me find some systemic for my house plants.

Of course, he didn't know what that was, but using his killer deducting skills he determined that it was for plants and so he sent me to the garden department to meet Kevin.

So I get there and begin looking over the pesticides one more time to see if I can maybe figure it out on my own. Still can't find it. So I stand there and wait.
..and wait.
and wait.....
....and wait....
[15 minutes of waiting]

Finally said "Kevin" decides to quit masturbating and show the hell up. 
    "Are you the chick that needed help?"

Well yes Kevin, I am in fact the "chick" that needed help, preferably not your help, but I guess you'll have to do. Also keep in mind that I pay your wages and everything you do and say can and will be reported to a manager. 

I reply, "Yeah I was looking for systemics for house plants to keep mites away."

He gives me this stupid snotty look and says, "Well you won't find it because it doesn't exist."
      Oh really fucktard, is that why I own some and it's under my cabinet?

I stared at him for a second and I said, "Um...yes it does, I was just wondering if you guys carried it. I'm assuming you don't if you think it doesn't exist."

He shoots back a most witty reply, "Well we don't carry it because it doesn't exist."
   Look, I understand you might not know what it is, or you don't know if you don't carry it. Or you don't carry it. Sorry to tell you Kevin, but just because Home Depot doesn't carry it doesn't mean it does not exist. If Home Depot was the only real store out there then we'd be fucked. 
Looks like food doesn't exist, aside from dinky candies by the check stand. Oh you wanted a couch? Fuck you those don't exist. Looks like dogs and cats and any other kind of pets don't exist, Home Depot doesn't sell those either.
It's like fucking inception- nothing is real but Home Depot!   

I am starting to get irritated that he's treating me like I'm supposed to believe his stupid sorry ass. So I reply saying, "Well I know it exists, because I own some and I just needed more, it's fine though- I'll just go to Fred Meyers or something."

Instead of saying, "Well alright Miss, thanks for stopping by anyway." he decided to continue being a dick. 
"Well, mam, I realize that women, especially gardeners, think they know everything about plants. But in reality I know a lot more because I mean look, I work at the Home Depot."

Oh fuck, how could I question someone who works at the Home Depot about plants? I've worked at two nurseries and I'm majoring in Botany. How could I POSSIBLY think I know more than this guy. 

So I kindly said, "Oh how silly of me. Thinking I knew anything worth shit. Being a Botany major I thought I knew what I was talking about. Hm, I guess I was wrong." 

He goes, "Well if you already knew the answer to your question why did you even ask for help?"

At this point he'd pushed me over the edge and I just blew up at him, "Look I didn't ask for someone to come over and tell me I'm an idiot that doesn't know what she's talking about. Had I, you would be doing a fucking fantastic job."  

His face was kind of like this.... ---->   O____O;

I didn't stop there either, "All I wanted was someone with half a brain to come and tell me if you guys carried something. Not tell me that it doesn't exist when I know blatantly well that it does. You are not doing your job and you are quite the asshole. You just lost yourself a sale."

I handed him back all the pots I was going to buy.

That was the equivalent of: Hey go fuck yourself with the 150 cacti in the plant room that you know so much about. 

 

The Dramatic and the Impossible [coming this fall to PBS!]

We all know them. We've got at least three to four in our lives. They are the people who make you want to pull your hair out. Everything becomes a horror story from hell...


The trip to the super market.
A meeting with an old friend they knew in high school.
Making dinner for a party of three.
Feeding their turtles.
Having to listen to other people's opinions.

That kind of shit is HARD.  :(

It's life threatening if done incorrectly and possibly causes insomnia, vomiting, diarrhea, and acne.
I'd source that shit, but I just made it up.

Anyway, so there's always going to be impossible people in your life, that no matter what you do, are never going to be happy. You could hand them a million fucking dollars and they would stare at it and say...

I wanted a million and ONE. You are SO inconsiderate! FUCK. I'M GOING TO BLOG ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW TO MY TWO FOLLOWERS! FUCK!

   Annnnd at this point they are already on their blog, telling the world (a.k.a the two followers they have) that you are an inconsiderate prick.

Oh but they don't outright say it. They have to be passive agressive about it.

Gotta be...SNEAKY.
Sneeeeaaaaky.

For example, let's say that your friend, aquantaince, whoever the fuck this dramatic person is, becomes upset with you because....
        Hm, let's say you didn't agree with them that every girl on the planet is a slut.

Just bear with me. Jesus.

First it goes like this....

THE FACEBOOK STATUS.
    [Dramatic Personage] I don't care what people think! I've never seen any different, all girls are sluts. ALL of them. And if YOU disagree, then YOU are PROBABLY a slut too.

Some awesome aspects to point out when this happens,
    Hey fucktard- if you didn't care what people thought, why did you post this status anyway?
        Also, if she's a female- point out that she too, has a vagina. Which conveniently, makes her a girl- and therefore by her logic, a slut.
            Openly point out that you are a WHORE, not a SLUT- sluts don't get paid.

Then, comes the

BLOG POSTS.

    "Oh my god so today I was talking to my totally stupid friend, who shall not be named of course, because I'm NOT a bitch. We were talking about girls and how they are all (or aren't by my friends
ideals) sluts. But have you seen the women these days? Total sluts. That's all I have to say. I don't care if you agree... [but knowing the fact you follow me, you probably will to avoid my wrath of spamming posts.]*

*Implied insert.

At this point there is probably one comment on their blog post, agreeing, making sure to point out that they agree with said person in every way. This is because people have no fucking backbone.

Yesssssss.

Then- one person stands up and says,
Hey that's not right, who the hell gave this bitch the right to free speech?

Annnnd that's about when....
Ten earthquakes hit Africa.
One hundred wolves attack a traveling caravan.
Two hundred pages of a report, due tomorrow, are lost to a power surge.
Power level reaches over 9000.
Hillary Clinton gets elected into office.

You know, terrifying shit goes down and stuff.

Usually it ends with this said person becoming overly dramatic, as stated, and dragging people into the percieved threat. Everyone becomes edgy and wishes that nothing had been said in the first place. People end up blocking other people, taking Facebook/Blog hiatuses, going on mass murder sprees, and stubbing their toes.

TOE STUBBING IS THE FUCKING DEVIL.



Now onto...[Insert Theme music]
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE AND "IMPOSSIBLE" PEOPLE...

Okay I am going to be totally not passive agressive here and say,
        I fucking hate it when people are passive aggressive.
JUST SAY IT. GOD.

I don't really enjoy getting online and seeing things posted on sites, in chats, or being directly said to
me, that are passive agressive.


"You know I really hate it when people stop talking to me because they know I'm right."

No, they stopped talking to you because you're a fucking annoying passive agressive bitch.

No, they won't comment on your status- because they realize that's your goal. 

You just want them to see it and feel remotely bad and be like, "Oh god I DID do that."

Well too bad- anyone with half a brain is going to think the exact opposite and if they are really smart, they'll acknowledge the fact that most sites allow you to block people or remove them from your feed.

Then they can post something like,

"I really hate it when people post passive aggressive bullshit and I can't remove it from my pag-...Oh wait I can, never mind."

See what they did there?
Genius. It's like toast. Delicious toast.

I also hate it when people are passively asking you to do something but they never say it outright and then get angry with you for not doing it.
Really? Sorry I'm not a mind reader.

Not that it matters, you'd have to have brain for me to read it.
Oh did I type that? Yeesh I'm sorry.

For example-
"I have to do a lot of yard work tomorrow and it'd be really cool if someone let me borrow their truck to go to the dump."

Oh wait, I own a truck...I'm not doing anything tomorrow...but I'm sure if I just let it go for a little bit someone else will offer. She didn't really ASK you know, it was more like a pipe dream or something.
If she really wanted my help, she would have straight up asked...

Right?

Perhaps- but it's just sooo much more fun to try to set people up so you can get mad at them. What kills me about these people is that they get mad at everyone for stupid little things that had nothing to do with the person they're mad at. Then afterwards, they wonder why nobody listens to them or even likes to talk to them.


WELL. LET'S SEE.
Would YOU like to be friends with someone who poentially could get angry at you for no reason at any moment? Dragging you into a puddle of shit and then stomping on you repeatedly until you either agreed with them or just ignored them?
Yeah, that'd be like being friends with yourself. Terrible thought huh?

Don't worry, one of these days you'll find a person who has the same views as you in every way, agrees with everything you say 100% of the time, and jumps into your drama with you any time you bring it up. 
IT WILL BE GLORIOUS!

Now then there are people who draw you into their problems, and then drop the subject. 

"So I am just so upset right now, I can't handle life anymore, I just want to die!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Well that kind of sent up like a thousand red flags. That can't be healthy, have you seen a psychiatrist?

So you are now afraid of what could possible be ailing your friend, WHY WOULD THEY WANT TO DIE? You decide to inquire as to what the problem could be...

My good friend, my sweet friend, you beautiful perfect person you, why are you upset? Did someone you know die? Do you have cancer? Is your mom sick? Did your dog get hit by a car?...tell me what happened I'm worried :(

"I don't want to talk about it...."

What? You don't want to talk about it. Why did you post that so the WHOLE fucking world of Facebook if you didn't want to talk about it. Usually when people post that kind of stuff they are searching for help. 

And then later...you see them post this status.

"Nobody cares about me. I'm sick of needing help and nobody comes to help. I'm sick of people not caring when I really need help. Nobody cares! NOBODY!"

I asked what was wrong earlier, what did you want me to do? Fly my ass out there and cradle you in my arms, petting your face and cooing "It will be okay, it'll be okay." over and over? 
Dude that's fucking creepy. If that's what you wanted then too damn bad. It's not happening. 


If you're one of those people...so help me God. 
Help me in stab them in the eye. Amen.

Getting Through Airport Security: The Jackass Way

So anyone who has every flown on a plane in the last few years, has probably noticed there are certain policies that the TSA follows and forces everyone to comply with. These are to ensure our safety and to make sure that they get their kicks and giggles out while having to work that 2 am shift. We all know they aren't sitting behind the body scanner laughing at our fat rolls- that would be absurd. Why, they are only looking out for our safety when they grope pretty much every part of your body- even the small flappy area under your balls. You could have forgotten a razor in there. That's dangerous.

So like I was saying, there are certain policies and techniques you are required to follow in order to board the plane and get to your destination. People who fly frequently know exactly what they are supposed to do and if you are one of those people- read no further. Or you can read anyway and laugh really hard.

Refusing such an offer would be like stabbing Jesus in the eyes with a salty french fry.

For the people who do not fly often, I have compiled a few very important tips on how to get through airport security smoothly (or not so much) and surely (maybe not). 

It all starts as you walk into the airport:
This is the point where in most airports (at least the one's I've been to) you take your bags, if you have any, to be checked by the people servicing your flight. Southwest, Delta, etc., are some commonly known airlines. Since this is usually how it starts, I'll begin here with my tips on how to get from entrance to terminal to airplane in only a few simple steps.

Step One: Checking your bags.
After reaching the airport, walk into the entrance- making sure to rush anyone in your way by walking on their heels. This states that you are important, much more important than they are. After shoving those simpletons aside, walk in the general direction of your airline service provider. If you are unsure of where you need to be, look along the far wall and it's very likely that in big bold letters it states where your airline company is located. 
After reaching your desired company, walk straight to the front of the line- unhooking the fabric belts as you go or walking under them. Do not pay any heed to the shouts or grumbles of the other patrons, they are simply cheering you on. When you have reached the front and are about to set your bag on the scale it is likely the woman will tell you to please go to the back of the line. Proceed to mention you are in a hurry and continue to place your bag on the scale. 
When these tactics fail and she asks you again to go to the back of the line, throw a huge fit like a 10 year old child and then yell that you will never fly with them again.
Proceed to end of line...with DIGNITY. 
While waiting in line, proceed to talk loudly to other people waiting in line. Talk about how unfair they treated you and how much you cannot believe their actions. Continue to spout your liberating and refreshing ideals while the people standing by ignore you. When you finally reach the front and set your bag on scale, you will need to print your boarding pass.

Step Two: Print your boarding pass.
After setting your bag on the scale, the lady will wait patiently as you print your boarding pass which will tell her where you are going. This will also trigger the printing of your bag tags, so that your precious suitcase doesn't get sent to Tulsa when you are on your way to Orlando. Stare at the screen reading every word on it, and then place your index finger on the screen.
Notice that it asks for your conformation number or to insert a credit card. Become immediately infuriated that it would ask for such a thing , inform the lady checking your bags that you do not know your conformation number. She will likely tell you to insert a major credit card into the machine. Proceed to insert your drivers license, get angry when it does not work. Complain to the lady, and then insert each of your seven debit cards, one by one, becoming more infuriated each time it does not work. Finally, insert your American Express credit card. This should actually work, but DO NOT resort to this as the first card you insert- that is too easy. 
After you have inserted your card and brought up your flight information, press the button to check your bags. Complain again to the lady that you have to pay $20 per bag. Conveniently forget to print your boarding pass after checking your bag. Ask the lady to print it for you. Get angry when she can't do it for you. Insert all your cards again, ending with the American Express, actually print boarding pass this time.

Step Three: Airport Security
After checking your bags and relieving yourself of them, walk towards the terminals. You will then be led to a winding line of impatient people waiting to be groped. Stand in line behind them, make sure to look and act majorly impatient to fit in. Walk through the line ignoring all signs telling you to remove your jacket and shoes, as well as taking your laptop out of its bag. Also forget that you have two full water bottles in your bag. When you get up to security check point number one, the man will ask you for your license and boarding pass. Proceed to fumble through your wallet, frantically searching for your ID. Get irritated that you cannot find it, remove all contents of wallet onto the man's podium. Search through the pile twice, making sure to use the words "Fuck" and "Shit" and "Goddamnit" at least twice. After remembering that you took your license out of your wallet and put it in your pocket for easier access, hand to security. 
Security will shine a flashlight on your ID and then make a few marks and then send you on your way to the scanning area. Take all bags and belongings to the line and continue ignoring signs. Begin to place your items in tubs and set them on the lines. Acknowledge the officer telling you to put your shoes directly on the belt- proceed to place them in a tub anyway. Do not remove your keys or cellphone from your pocket, also make sure to keep your jacket on. Walk over to the scanning machine.
They will direct you to take your jacket off. Throw a fit and say that you do not feel comfortable taking your jacket off. Finally give in and take it off and place it on the belt. Walk through the scanner. Get pissed when the light goes off and the officer tells you to walk through again. Remember that  you did not take your cellphone or keys out of your pocket at this moment. Run back to the end of the belt and shove people out of your way to grab another tub. Push other tubs back, knocking one on the floor and forget to apologize. Walk through the scanner again. Be pleased when it does not go off. Walk to the end of the line and wait for your items. After a few seconds of waiting, become furious and ask who took your stuff. When the lady informs you that it will take a hand search because you did not take your laptop out of the bag nor remove the water bottles, make a huge scene.
Walk with the lady over to the table and watch as she removes all your stuff from the bag. Begin to belittle her and ask what all this "shit" is about anyway. After she takes away your water bottles, yell and complain that you wanted to drink those. After she tells you it is a safety hazard and that it was stated clearly on multiple signs in line that you could not have it, throw a fit. Throw a huge fit. Proceed to tell her you think she is stupid. Wait as she goes through the rest of your stuff. Sigh loudly at random intervals and pace slightly. This lets her know of your displeasure with their unneeded gestures.
After she is finished checking your stuff, grab it and storm off- make sure to stomp your feet really hard and growl a little as you get on the escalator. You made it through security, over half the battle is done! Now to get to your terminal.

Step Four: Your Terminal and Boarding the Plane
Get to your terminal, which should be on your boarding pass. Find somewhere to sit, preferably next to someone trying to read a book or listen to their music. After taking a seat, begin to complain to them about the unruly and unnecessary procedures they take in the airports these days.  Do not, I repeat, do not let them get a word in. They may possibly express an opinion different than yours, and that is unacceptable. It's best not to let them open their mouth. It's extremely important you let them know that your opinion is the only right one.
When they begin to board the plane. Proceed to stand where your number states you should. Walk onto the plane and choose the seat with no space above it in the compartments. Shuffle other people's items in order to fit yours in. Move some people's bags to other compartments until you have enough room for your almost full-size suitcase "carry-on" that you brought. Take a seat next to the window and wait for take off. Someone will likely sit next to you. Become annoying and perhaps they will move. If it is a full flight, sorry you are stuck with them there.
After the plane has taken off, watch the person next to you, if they are looking out the window- make sure to close it so they can't. Turn on the air full blast and then point it toward the person next to you. Pretend to be asleep when they ask you to turn it off. After they reach to turn it off themselves, curse and claim they were trying to grab your vagina (even if you are a man.) Continue to be as annoying as possible. Kick the seat in front of you and then blame the person next to you. Press the Flight Attendant button on your neighbor's button panel. Complete flight with as many enemies as possible.

Exit plane after landing, make sure to stand up and unbuckle your seat belt before the plane has stopped. Also do not wait for people in front of you to get up, rush out at your earliest convenience.


With these tips, you can fly like a pro!

Stupid Facebook Statuses

We've all seen them. You know what I'm talking about, although I know you wish you didn't. After signing onto Facebook in the morning after a day of absence they are all over the page. Some posted more than once because your friend of a friend posted it, thus your friend had to post it, so it floods your feed with the same pointless crap.
Don't deny it- you fucking LOVE it. 

Some typical ones I see...

"U and I wake up in a prison and hav no memory of wut happened last night. Wat wud u say 2 me using only 4 words???"

Well first off, let me inform you that I would never wake up in prison with you. This is because that would insinuate that I spend time with you outside of Facebook. I would rather gouge my eyes out with red hot spoons dipped in salt. Honestly I don't remember where I met you or why I added you. Oh right you bullied me in high school, then added me and when I rejected you 30 times you continued to add me until I was defeated.
In all honesty I'd wake up in prison without you because you'd be at the morgue for posting stupid status updates. I'd get caught because an hour after killing you I'd post, "Good, now that bitch can't post her thoughts (or lack thereof) on Facebook."


Some possible responses to this four word status:
Hey, prostitutes never prosper.
Now you've got herpes!
I got you drunk.
I left you there.
Don't look under that.
It wasn't my problem.
Please stop this nonsense?


Some other ultra awesome posts are the ones where they claim some child from Nebraska has been swept away by a pedophile driving a blue Prius with the license plate ILUVKIDS.


"AMBER ALERT!!! Edmonton, Kentucky USA little girl, 3 yrs old picked up by man driving grey car, license plate: Quebec 72B 381. Canada. Put this as your status. It could save her. This kidnapping is recent so do it, 3 seconds will not kill you. If it were your child.... what would you want people to do. Just now happening!!!!! please... "

So here's some problems with the above AMBER ALERT!!! that you should realize before posting this status and allowing all of Facebook to mock your stupidity.
- So the guy is from Canada? In Kentucky. Sounds reasonable sort of...
Except for the fact that in Canada they don't drive cars. They ride caribou and live in igloos. Didn't world cultures teach you ANYTHING?  
- Okay so you're posting it on Facebook, good job! You could save her. 
Wouldn't you know it- now that I've seen that- I'm going to outside and stare watching for any grey cars and calling the police when I see them. Whether or not it's got a Canada license- since we all know that's not possible (see above explanation).   

I understand the idea behind this Facebook posting nonsense, and had this been a REAL kidnapping that might be beneficial IF you live in Kentucky/surrounding states. If you live in Oregon and have all Oregon friends don't fucking repost it if it says "THIS IS RECENT!" There's no goddamn way the kid is in Oregon. If you want to help this imaginary girl- go to the Amber Alert page and check it out.

http://www.ncmec.org/missingkids/servlet/AmberServlet  <--- HERE. If it actually has her on there, then repost it. If not, don't bother because it's fake or outdated.

Thank you for not spamming my Facebook.


"Describe me in 1 word! Repost and c what u get!!!!"

Are you really opening yourself up to this? Really? Being my friend on Facebook I would think you would know better by now. Honestly. Now that you've posted this I have like 50 other people posting it and nobody has any comments on it. You know why? Because it's downright stupid. Nobody even pays attention to that- it's just one more stupid thing we have to scroll past to see what we care about. Here's some "one" words that describe you!

Redundant
Unoriginal
Boring
Annoying
Follower
Narcissistic  
and soon to be Assaulted if you don't quit posting mindless updates.

--- One more thing that really annoys me about people on Facebook, is the clicking of links. You get on your page and you see that 15 of your friends have posted the same link almost 10 minutes apart each time.

Average Person's Thoughts:
Oh my god how awesome. EVERYONE is posting this video- it MUST be legit! Obama Boning a Donkey- oh man I want to see that.
click 
WHAT!? I didn't ask to repost that! I don't want to take your survey! Stop posting that over and over! HEY! 

What they SHOULD think:
Hmmm, everyone is posting this video. It looks like it's spam. Maybe I shouldn't click it and spam the friends that haven't been exposed yet. 
Yeah, I'll do that.

Stop being brain dead. Seriously people, nobody wants to read that. Every time you post a dumb status, a kitten goes into a coma. 
Think of the kittens.