Assuming each of my beautiful readers has been on a date, or at least had a dream of a date, or maybe looked up the word Date (not including rape) in the dictionary, you'll all know what I'm talking about when I talk about awkward first dates.
I had one of those once. Okay maybe twice, three times? Okay four times- you got me. You'd think after having a couple dates that end up being awkward you'd just give up. Not me though. I'm a fighter. A total rebel, I don't even shave my legs.
There are multiple kinds of awkward dates out there, and I've experienced quite a variety. It all depends on the guy you go out with and what you plan to do on said date. Some dates turn out nice, others...turn out...well, not so nice. If you think about it though, the shitty dates are always the ones worth talking about...
Always.
Nobody wants to hear about that time you went on a date with this really sweet guy that held open every door for you and let you pick the appetizer. No, nobody wants to fucking hear that.
Really, people want to hear about the bad dates.
Like that time you went on a date and the guy got so drunk he threw up down your shirt.
Haha, he threw UP down your shirt! Ehhh, ehhhhh? Fine okay.
This is the guy that has been on a date with Kori:
Here is their story...
[doink doink]
Bad Date Type: The Agenda
This date started out rather normal, seeing as though we met in one of my classes, I don't remember which one because he's been in multiple classes of mine seeing as though he's majoring in Fisheries and Wildlife. He asked me if I wanted to go to out to dinner, I hadn't been on a date in a while so I decided I'd go. Just a casual date though, nothing too fancy.
So let's go do this shit.
We sit down to eat and I'm looking at the menu as he goes,
"So what do you like to do?"
Of course we know that if I was truthful and said, Well I like going into Asian restaurants and pushing over the fish tanks, tripping old ladies when they're crossing the street, kicking puppies, and picking up prostitutes and dropping them off in the desert, he probably would have walked out.
So I lied and said something so ridiculous I'm surprised he bought it:
I like reading.
He seemed satisfied with that answer as he continued his interrogation:
"So do you get out often?"
I guess it really depends on what you mean by "out," seeing as though there are lots of definitions and insinuations of the word "out" I shall pick a few and explain my position.
If you mean "Out" as in, "Do you go on dates often?" then the answer is no. Although if your definition of date is loose enough to include "Do you sit at home and cry while eating Ben and Jerry's in front of your laptop watching Spongebob and wishing you had a life." then yes I get out quite often.
If you mean "Out" as in "Do you go outside and sit in the sunshine enjoying yourself?" then the answer is also no, seeing as though we live in Oregon and the sun doesn't exist here. You need to look up the fucking weather channel, why do you think everyone in Oregon suffers from S.A.D? Pfft.
If by "Out" you mean sleeping by myself in a cold bed, lonely and alone. By myself wondering why I'm so lone....oh...
Yeah, I get around.
Wait wait wait...
That's not what I meant.
No, really it's not.
Who am I kidding..I'm a whore.
I had looked over the menu at this point an decided that I was going to eat a salad, since everything on the menu had carcass in it. He asked me what I was going to get and when I said a salad he goes,
"Really? You don't have to get a salad, I'm not going to judge you. I like girls that eat."
Hey if you wanted to see me eat maybe we should have gone to a restaurant that didn't specialize in dead animals. Not like you asked though.
That's when I broke the news to him,
"I don't eat animals, so I'll just get a salad."
His face was like I just said, "I hate America, believe that guns should be outlawed, and have had 16 abortions."
Little did he know I've actually had 18.
"You don't eat meat? Like, you're a vegetarian?"
This is when I should have said, "Oh I eat meat, just human meat. Babies are my favourite...so tender."
We stared at each other in silence for a while after I'd replied, "Yes." to his vegetarian question. He looked down the menu and decided to pursue a new route to things. Apparently his agenda was not towards the animal rights side of things. It was unacceptable that I didn't eat animals, and he was going to make it known.
"So do you think that just because you don't eat animals you're going to save the world? Even if you don't eat animals other people are still going to so you might as well because you aren't changing anything."
Hey you know, you are using an awful lot of oxygen spewing your bullshit.
I replied kindly, "That's alright, I figure it takes one person at a time to change the world. Even if my eating meat doesn't stop other people, they might come around on their own. It's your choice if you want to eat meat, just like it's my choice if I don't want to."
His eyes narrowed as he looked at me, I could tell he was thinking (or something slightly resembling thinking).
What I imagine was going on in his head:
[red lights flashing] Oh god dude, she's an independent thinker. She thinks for herself.
Oh fuck she might actually be smart, I don't like girls that are smarter than I am. Oh God, what do I do? Should I listen? No- no, tell her to get back in the kitchen.
Oh fuck I'm at a restaurant and that won't work. ABANDON SHIP.
We didn't go on another date.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
First Day Flying Solo
So usually I don't post blogs about my life, because my life isn't interesting unless I'm being an asshole to somebody or something like that. But lately I've been training to work as the Daily Event Manager at my place of employment and yesterday was my first day flying solo. It was pretty hectic and I'm kind of surprised I managed it without stressing to death.
My first task was to set up the Forum system, which isn't important to really understand what that's for but it's kind of important to understand what that is. Basically, it's a computer system that the professors can use to teach their class. It's got a large Mac computer that's hooked up so it displays on two large projector screens. Well I got in there and started setting it up and the computer wouldn't boot up. It got to near booting up and then froze at this grey screen with a swirly doom clock in the middle.
Using my extensive knowledge of computer technology, I did the first step any decent IT guy tells you-
I restarted the fucking computer.
At that point I hard-restarted it and it got to the same spot and froze, again. I was unsure about what to do so I picked up the help phone hoping they would give me a nice pointer to fix my dilemma.
[phone rings twice]
"Hello, this is help desk."
Hi, this is Kori with Event Support, I'm down in the Snell Forum attempting to boot up the system and the computer keeps freezing before it even gets to the sign in screen."
"Have you tried rebooting it?"
Yes I already have rebooted it and it gets to exactly the same point and freezes again.
"Try rebooting it again."
Then I'm thinking, 'Sure, because we all know if rebooting it doesn't work the first time, obviously rebooting it like four more times will fix it.'
So I hung up the phone, and I rebooted it three more times.
It was so amazing, guess what happened?
Fucking nothing- it got to the same point each time and froze.
I'm a motha fuckin geniuuuuus.
So by that time I was pretty flustered and got a hold of James, our technical guy. He tried rebooting the computer and it didn't work. Then he and I worked through a couple steps that didn't work. We called the help desk one more time,
"Help desk..."
Hello, this is Event Support again, I'm still in the Forum and attempting to boot the computer up but it freezes before it gets to the sign in screen. I already tried rebooting the computer three times with no avail.
"So you've already rebooted it?"
No I just like lying to IT guys because it gets me off. Yes I rebooted it.
"Okay we're going to try a couple more things."
At this point I don't care to write about it. Next problem.
-----------------
After failing to set up the forum, I went back to work with other groups setting up their setups. One group came in to do a self-service chair and table set up outside in the quad. Info Desk called me to let them in, so I met them at the front desk since I was near there anyway. They were standing there looking clueless so I asked them if they needed anything other than their chairs and tables.
"Well we need to plug some stuff in."
It doesn't say here that you've reserved a power connection in the quad, did you reserve that online?
"No, why would we have to reserve electricity?"
So we know to set it up, and to know where our equipment is going. I'll have our front desk lady add it to your reservation, it wont cost anything, let's get you set up.
"Cool thanks."
Then we went to the room to get the chairs and tables from the room downstairs. I opened the door and let them in, they stared at me like I was supposed to do something. I told them they could put what they needed on this rolling cart so that they could wheel it outside.
"You're not going to load it up and set it up for us?"
No I'm not going to fucking load it up for you, for set it up for you, that's why it's called self-service. I'll set up your power but you need to take your damn tables.
So I walked the gentlemen out there and they started setting up in the corner of the quad. One of them starting coping an attitude with me about being in the spot the reserved. I was confused at first why he was angry, but then I realized they wanted to move over one spot in the quad. That wasn't possible because there was another group going to be there in like 15 minutes.
"We want to be in that spot over there."
You are going to have to stay in your reserved spot because somebody else has reserved that space in the quad.
"I'm pretty sure nobody is going to be there. We'll just set up right there."
No, there is somebody there, I saw the BEO for it earlier, you need to stay where you've reserved your space here. We'll make sure you have everything you need.
"How about we just set up there and if somebody sets up we'll move at that point?"
No, you should stay where you're at. The other group will be inconvenienced if they have to wait for you to move, and it will become a hassle for you and them. I suggest you just stay where you're at.
"Well can't you just check? Cause I'm like 100% positive there's nobody there."
I had to go get guard dogs anyway so I walked up to the office on the way and looked, oh what do you know-
There was a group coming to set up in like 5 minutes. Holy shit it's like I work there and see these things or something.
I went back out and told them that there was another group coming in and that they needed to stay where they were at. The guy stared at me like I was the biggest asshole ever. It felt kind of satisfying telling them no. They were being pricks.
While I was busy fighting with them, a couple of my other setups had needed help, luckily one of the other workers had come in and saved my ass by helping them.
Fuck. Fraternities. :)
My first task was to set up the Forum system, which isn't important to really understand what that's for but it's kind of important to understand what that is. Basically, it's a computer system that the professors can use to teach their class. It's got a large Mac computer that's hooked up so it displays on two large projector screens. Well I got in there and started setting it up and the computer wouldn't boot up. It got to near booting up and then froze at this grey screen with a swirly doom clock in the middle.
Using my extensive knowledge of computer technology, I did the first step any decent IT guy tells you-
I restarted the fucking computer.
At that point I hard-restarted it and it got to the same spot and froze, again. I was unsure about what to do so I picked up the help phone hoping they would give me a nice pointer to fix my dilemma.
[phone rings twice]
"Hello, this is help desk."
Hi, this is Kori with Event Support, I'm down in the Snell Forum attempting to boot up the system and the computer keeps freezing before it even gets to the sign in screen."
"Have you tried rebooting it?"
Yes I already have rebooted it and it gets to exactly the same point and freezes again.
"Try rebooting it again."
Then I'm thinking, 'Sure, because we all know if rebooting it doesn't work the first time, obviously rebooting it like four more times will fix it.'
So I hung up the phone, and I rebooted it three more times.
It was so amazing, guess what happened?
Fucking nothing- it got to the same point each time and froze.
I'm a motha fuckin geniuuuuus.
So by that time I was pretty flustered and got a hold of James, our technical guy. He tried rebooting the computer and it didn't work. Then he and I worked through a couple steps that didn't work. We called the help desk one more time,
"Help desk..."
Hello, this is Event Support again, I'm still in the Forum and attempting to boot the computer up but it freezes before it gets to the sign in screen. I already tried rebooting the computer three times with no avail.
"So you've already rebooted it?"
No I just like lying to IT guys because it gets me off. Yes I rebooted it.
"Okay we're going to try a couple more things."
At this point I don't care to write about it. Next problem.
-----------------
After failing to set up the forum, I went back to work with other groups setting up their setups. One group came in to do a self-service chair and table set up outside in the quad. Info Desk called me to let them in, so I met them at the front desk since I was near there anyway. They were standing there looking clueless so I asked them if they needed anything other than their chairs and tables.
"Well we need to plug some stuff in."
It doesn't say here that you've reserved a power connection in the quad, did you reserve that online?
"No, why would we have to reserve electricity?"
So we know to set it up, and to know where our equipment is going. I'll have our front desk lady add it to your reservation, it wont cost anything, let's get you set up.
"Cool thanks."
Then we went to the room to get the chairs and tables from the room downstairs. I opened the door and let them in, they stared at me like I was supposed to do something. I told them they could put what they needed on this rolling cart so that they could wheel it outside.
"You're not going to load it up and set it up for us?"
No I'm not going to fucking load it up for you, for set it up for you, that's why it's called self-service. I'll set up your power but you need to take your damn tables.
So I walked the gentlemen out there and they started setting up in the corner of the quad. One of them starting coping an attitude with me about being in the spot the reserved. I was confused at first why he was angry, but then I realized they wanted to move over one spot in the quad. That wasn't possible because there was another group going to be there in like 15 minutes.
"We want to be in that spot over there."
You are going to have to stay in your reserved spot because somebody else has reserved that space in the quad.
"I'm pretty sure nobody is going to be there. We'll just set up right there."
No, there is somebody there, I saw the BEO for it earlier, you need to stay where you've reserved your space here. We'll make sure you have everything you need.
"How about we just set up there and if somebody sets up we'll move at that point?"
No, you should stay where you're at. The other group will be inconvenienced if they have to wait for you to move, and it will become a hassle for you and them. I suggest you just stay where you're at.
"Well can't you just check? Cause I'm like 100% positive there's nobody there."
I had to go get guard dogs anyway so I walked up to the office on the way and looked, oh what do you know-
There was a group coming to set up in like 5 minutes. Holy shit it's like I work there and see these things or something.
I went back out and told them that there was another group coming in and that they needed to stay where they were at. The guy stared at me like I was the biggest asshole ever. It felt kind of satisfying telling them no. They were being pricks.
While I was busy fighting with them, a couple of my other setups had needed help, luckily one of the other workers had come in and saved my ass by helping them.
Fuck. Fraternities. :)
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Rude, Crude, and Tattooed
So Thursday I decided to graduate to the "Big Kids Club," according to the lovely MyKala, and I got a tattoo.
That had to be one of the most nerve wrecking things I've ever done. I've had so many different piercings, none of which I kept, but never a tattoo- merely because of how bad I've heard it hurts.
Bitches weren't lying- it fucking hurts.
Anyway, I went into the place with my friend Ian for moral support. I wanted the plant I was studying, Solanum dulcamara, tattooed on my body. Now, apparently it's common for people to get their first tattoos somewhere not so painful. Maybe their back or upper arm.
Not me, no sir. I went straight from crazy to flat out dumb ass.
I got it on my foot.
And this wasn't a tiny tattoo. It wasn't just some cute little flower, it spanned across my entire foot.
I went into the little room where she had me sit on the bench. She cleaned and prepped my foot and we put the stencil on my foot to position it. She transferred the stencil onto my foot and then started loading the gun.
That gun was so threatening. Just looking at it was pant soiling worthy. It was like,
"Oh hi there, I'm going to rapidly inject ink into your foot at like a thousand miles an hour okay? Don't worry, you wont feel a thing!...if you die before I touch your foot, that is. :)"
It wasn't really encouraging when the lady doing my tattoo, Lisa, who by the way was very nice, said,
"You got balls, dude. Gettin' it on your foot- that shit hurts."
She started doing the first flower and it honestly wasn't THAT bad. It stung like a cat scratch or something, nothing too serious. I still cringed a lot and kept forgetting to breathe. Ian kept reminding me "Breathe, holding your breath will make you tense up and make this feel a hundred times worse." So I forced myself to breathe sporadic, uneven, and painful breaths. I felt like I was in labor or something. Except I was paying them to do this to me. Haha, silly me.
After the first flower she let me move my foot around and gave me the option to stop if it hurt too bad to move on.
I seriously contemplated stopping at this point. It was hurting pretty bad and my foot felt like it was on fire.
I thought about it for a minute, contemplating my options some more. Would it be worth it?
How bad could it hurt? I mean she was like 1/10 of the way done.
Let's do this- keep gunnin' my foot!
And that was mistake #2. Mistake #1 was doing this in the first place.
She continued and did the other flowers and continued down the stem. I was to the point where I was tearing up because conveniently, the more they drag a rapidly vibrating needle down your foot, the worse it hurts.
Self Pep-Talk Time!
You can do this. You are so close, she's like halfway done and you are not even bawling yet! You can fucking do this you are awesome! Like a bo-
That's when she hit the side of my foot and I screamed,
"OW OW OW OH MY GOD THAT REALLY HURTS!"
To which Lisa most sincerely replied,
"Bummer, dude."
And kept tattooing my foot.
At this point it felt like someone was dragging a knife across my foot. Let the tears begin. I started crying. Flat out crying and squeezing the SHIT out of Ian's hand.
Poor guy had to ask me to let go so he could shake his hand out.
Fuck that really hurt.
Then, at last, Lisa announced she was finished. Then she offered me the option of shading it.
Once again contemplation arose. I thought about it...
....
......
........
..........No.
I went home with a pretty new tattoo on my foot. Which has caused me nothing but trouble since I got it. :D
Moral of the story: Tattoos on feet hurt and if you have to walk all over, they are a bad idea.
:)
I'm guessing you guys want to see the tattoo then? Well I suppose I could let you then.
The Real Plant:
The Reference:
The Actual Tattoo:
That had to be one of the most nerve wrecking things I've ever done. I've had so many different piercings, none of which I kept, but never a tattoo- merely because of how bad I've heard it hurts.
Bitches weren't lying- it fucking hurts.
Anyway, I went into the place with my friend Ian for moral support. I wanted the plant I was studying, Solanum dulcamara, tattooed on my body. Now, apparently it's common for people to get their first tattoos somewhere not so painful. Maybe their back or upper arm.
Not me, no sir. I went straight from crazy to flat out dumb ass.
I got it on my foot.
And this wasn't a tiny tattoo. It wasn't just some cute little flower, it spanned across my entire foot.
I went into the little room where she had me sit on the bench. She cleaned and prepped my foot and we put the stencil on my foot to position it. She transferred the stencil onto my foot and then started loading the gun.
That gun was so threatening. Just looking at it was pant soiling worthy. It was like,
"Oh hi there, I'm going to rapidly inject ink into your foot at like a thousand miles an hour okay? Don't worry, you wont feel a thing!...if you die before I touch your foot, that is. :)"
It wasn't really encouraging when the lady doing my tattoo, Lisa, who by the way was very nice, said,
"You got balls, dude. Gettin' it on your foot- that shit hurts."
She started doing the first flower and it honestly wasn't THAT bad. It stung like a cat scratch or something, nothing too serious. I still cringed a lot and kept forgetting to breathe. Ian kept reminding me "Breathe, holding your breath will make you tense up and make this feel a hundred times worse." So I forced myself to breathe sporadic, uneven, and painful breaths. I felt like I was in labor or something. Except I was paying them to do this to me. Haha, silly me.
After the first flower she let me move my foot around and gave me the option to stop if it hurt too bad to move on.
I seriously contemplated stopping at this point. It was hurting pretty bad and my foot felt like it was on fire.
I thought about it for a minute, contemplating my options some more. Would it be worth it?
How bad could it hurt? I mean she was like 1/10 of the way done.
Let's do this- keep gunnin' my foot!
And that was mistake #2. Mistake #1 was doing this in the first place.
She continued and did the other flowers and continued down the stem. I was to the point where I was tearing up because conveniently, the more they drag a rapidly vibrating needle down your foot, the worse it hurts.
Self Pep-Talk Time!
You can do this. You are so close, she's like halfway done and you are not even bawling yet! You can fucking do this you are awesome! Like a bo-
That's when she hit the side of my foot and I screamed,
"OW OW OW OH MY GOD THAT REALLY HURTS!"
To which Lisa most sincerely replied,
"Bummer, dude."
And kept tattooing my foot.
At this point it felt like someone was dragging a knife across my foot. Let the tears begin. I started crying. Flat out crying and squeezing the SHIT out of Ian's hand.
Poor guy had to ask me to let go so he could shake his hand out.
Fuck that really hurt.
Then, at last, Lisa announced she was finished. Then she offered me the option of shading it.
Once again contemplation arose. I thought about it...
....
......
........
..........No.
I went home with a pretty new tattoo on my foot. Which has caused me nothing but trouble since I got it. :D
Moral of the story: Tattoos on feet hurt and if you have to walk all over, they are a bad idea.
:)
I'm guessing you guys want to see the tattoo then? Well I suppose I could let you then.
The Real Plant:
The Reference:
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Just so you people know.
So I just wanted you guys to know that I deactivated my face book and I am in fact NOT BLOCKING YOU. It's been a real problem, distracting, drama, and I just wanted a break. So I'll be back when I'm not so busy. Promise.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Starved for Attention
So it's days like yesterday that make me wonder why girls do the things they do.
"Oh god I feel like nobody knows I'm here! I'm not existent! Nobody sees meeeeee! I know, I'll wear shorts that let my ass hang out of them!"
No. Nobody wants to fucking see that. You know what you should do if you think that people can't see your pitiful existence?
Buy a giant houseplant and carry it around with you everywhere.
You think I'm fucking kidding?
Well I'm not.
Yesterday I had to take my Monstera plant with me to present to my botany class. Since it was my last class of the day, that meant I had to carry it around campus with me for like six hours. When you're walking around campus with a flashy houseplant that completely hides your upper torso- you catch attention. I decided that I would have a little fun with it, seeing as though just saying "It's for a report." isn't very awe inspiring.
INCIDENT #1:
My friend Fari and I tend to wake up around six in the morning to go work out at Dixon, our school's recreation center. Well since I had the presentation, I had to take the plant to Dixon with me because I don't go home in between workout and class. I carried it into Dixon and promptly received an eyebrow raise from the lady swiping cards. Which is fine, whatever, I'd be like "LOLWTF?"
Okay that's a lie.
Really I'd be like, "Oh my god what kind of plant is that!? Where did you get it, that's so cool! EEEEEEE!"
But that's only because if Brian could turn me into that show Hoarders for all the plants I own- he would.
Well after we'd gotten in I took said plant into the locker room and I set it on the bench.
No I didn't take it to work out with me. Jesus people...
Hahaha I would have if I could have. :D
Well after we were done working out I went back to the locker room- the plant was still there. I showered and came back and started getting my stuff out of the locker. That's when the old woman showed up standing next to me, admiring my plant.
Oh what a nice plant you have here! What kind is it?
It's a Monstera deliciosa.
That's fantastic! What do you have it, carrying it around for exactly?
Oh I have to take it to my botany class and give a presentation on it and had to have the actual plant with me. Since I didn't want to cut the leaves off I brought the entire plant.
Oh that's great! Do you know why they have those slits in the leaves?
This is when she bent over and began examining my plant. Now you might say "Kori, this isn't very interesting at all."
Well, asshole, it would have been pretty alright, not awkward at all, if not for the fact that
We were both
Butt naked.
Totally fucking awkward.
INCIDENT #2:
After having a fantastic naked conversation with an old woman, whose body is forever imprinted on my fragile, plant-oriented brain...anyway.
I went to Milne computer center to print off some of my assignments for the next day. I, of course, took the plant with me. A very cute guy came up and asked me,
"Hey, what's the plant for? Why are you carrying it around?"
I turned to him and in a split second decided if I was going to be serious or if I was going to be a complete jackass.
Jackass?!
Nice?!
Jackass!?
Nice!?
Jackass!?!
I'm out of font options, jackass it is.
I turned to him and with the most sincere face I could muster....
Well, you see, I don't believe in plant captivity. I have this plant at my house and since I keep it in a pot I take it for walks every day in order to make up for that.
"Uh..."
It does get complicated though, having 50 house plants makes it hard to get every single plant out for a walk every day. So usually I do a rotation and take only a few out a day. Then there's the problem of the other plants getting mad and kicking me while I'm not looking.
[Blank Stare]
Don't you worry though, I give them prompt punishment by putting them in the kitchen sink and leaving them there all day!
He just stared at me more. At that point I couldn't keep a straight face anymore and started laughing. I told him, "No, I have a botany report and have to present this plant."
Personally I thought my first story was better.
INCIDENT #3:
After that I went to my Microbiology class and sat down, waiting for the teacher to show up. I placed my plant in the seat next to me, because I didn't want it on the floor where someone could potentially kick it over. Because if they did, I'd have to kill them.
and while I see no problem with that, conveniently the rest of the nation does.
I had one girl behind me pipe up and ask,
"Hey, what is the plant here for?"
Oh, well last night I was talking to my plants about bacteria and viruses and this plant here showed an extreme interest in the topic, so I figured I would just bring it along with me to class. That way it could learn too!!
Once again, blank stare.
This time I stared back, dead serious.
Then I turned away to face the front- she didn't say anything else.
INCIDENT #4:
I met up with my friend Ian for lunch at the MU after my botany class. I had told him a few of my incidents with people and the brilliant bastard came up with the most fantastic cover story for me.
"Next time somebody asks you why you have that plant, get really offended. Look at them square in the eye and say, 'THIS ISN'T A PLANT. THIS IS MY ROOMMATE BRIAN AND HE GOT TURNED INTO A PLANT BY A WIZARD AND I'M TRYING TO SAVE HIM!!!!!!!" and then pretend to cry and say, "ITS OKAY BRIAN WE'LL FIND A CURE BY MIDNIGHT!" and run away crying."
I knew there was a reason I loved this kid.
That brilliant son of a bitch gives me this awesome cover story to use,
And what do you know!?
Nobody else asks about my fucking plant.
"Oh god I feel like nobody knows I'm here! I'm not existent! Nobody sees meeeeee! I know, I'll wear shorts that let my ass hang out of them!"
No. Nobody wants to fucking see that. You know what you should do if you think that people can't see your pitiful existence?
Buy a giant houseplant and carry it around with you everywhere.
You think I'm fucking kidding?
Well I'm not.
Yesterday I had to take my Monstera plant with me to present to my botany class. Since it was my last class of the day, that meant I had to carry it around campus with me for like six hours. When you're walking around campus with a flashy houseplant that completely hides your upper torso- you catch attention. I decided that I would have a little fun with it, seeing as though just saying "It's for a report." isn't very awe inspiring.
INCIDENT #1:
My friend Fari and I tend to wake up around six in the morning to go work out at Dixon, our school's recreation center. Well since I had the presentation, I had to take the plant to Dixon with me because I don't go home in between workout and class. I carried it into Dixon and promptly received an eyebrow raise from the lady swiping cards. Which is fine, whatever, I'd be like "LOLWTF?"
Okay that's a lie.
Really I'd be like, "Oh my god what kind of plant is that!? Where did you get it, that's so cool! EEEEEEE!"
But that's only because if Brian could turn me into that show Hoarders for all the plants I own- he would.
Well after we'd gotten in I took said plant into the locker room and I set it on the bench.
No I didn't take it to work out with me. Jesus people...
Hahaha I would have if I could have. :D
Well after we were done working out I went back to the locker room- the plant was still there. I showered and came back and started getting my stuff out of the locker. That's when the old woman showed up standing next to me, admiring my plant.
Oh what a nice plant you have here! What kind is it?
It's a Monstera deliciosa.
That's fantastic! What do you have it, carrying it around for exactly?
Oh I have to take it to my botany class and give a presentation on it and had to have the actual plant with me. Since I didn't want to cut the leaves off I brought the entire plant.
Oh that's great! Do you know why they have those slits in the leaves?
This is when she bent over and began examining my plant. Now you might say "Kori, this isn't very interesting at all."
Well, asshole, it would have been pretty alright, not awkward at all, if not for the fact that
We were both
Butt naked.
Totally fucking awkward.
INCIDENT #2:
After having a fantastic naked conversation with an old woman, whose body is forever imprinted on my fragile, plant-oriented brain...anyway.
I went to Milne computer center to print off some of my assignments for the next day. I, of course, took the plant with me. A very cute guy came up and asked me,
"Hey, what's the plant for? Why are you carrying it around?"
I turned to him and in a split second decided if I was going to be serious or if I was going to be a complete jackass.
Jackass?!
Nice?!
Jackass!?
Nice!?
Jackass!?!
I'm out of font options, jackass it is.
I turned to him and with the most sincere face I could muster....
Well, you see, I don't believe in plant captivity. I have this plant at my house and since I keep it in a pot I take it for walks every day in order to make up for that.
"Uh..."
It does get complicated though, having 50 house plants makes it hard to get every single plant out for a walk every day. So usually I do a rotation and take only a few out a day. Then there's the problem of the other plants getting mad and kicking me while I'm not looking.
[Blank Stare]
Don't you worry though, I give them prompt punishment by putting them in the kitchen sink and leaving them there all day!
He just stared at me more. At that point I couldn't keep a straight face anymore and started laughing. I told him, "No, I have a botany report and have to present this plant."
Personally I thought my first story was better.
INCIDENT #3:
After that I went to my Microbiology class and sat down, waiting for the teacher to show up. I placed my plant in the seat next to me, because I didn't want it on the floor where someone could potentially kick it over. Because if they did, I'd have to kill them.
and while I see no problem with that, conveniently the rest of the nation does.
I had one girl behind me pipe up and ask,
"Hey, what is the plant here for?"
Oh, well last night I was talking to my plants about bacteria and viruses and this plant here showed an extreme interest in the topic, so I figured I would just bring it along with me to class. That way it could learn too!!
Once again, blank stare.
This time I stared back, dead serious.
Then I turned away to face the front- she didn't say anything else.
INCIDENT #4:
I met up with my friend Ian for lunch at the MU after my botany class. I had told him a few of my incidents with people and the brilliant bastard came up with the most fantastic cover story for me.
"Next time somebody asks you why you have that plant, get really offended. Look at them square in the eye and say, 'THIS ISN'T A PLANT. THIS IS MY ROOMMATE BRIAN AND HE GOT TURNED INTO A PLANT BY A WIZARD AND I'M TRYING TO SAVE HIM!!!!!!!" and then pretend to cry and say, "ITS OKAY BRIAN WE'LL FIND A CURE BY MIDNIGHT!" and run away crying."
I knew there was a reason I loved this kid.
That brilliant son of a bitch gives me this awesome cover story to use,
And what do you know!?
Nobody else asks about my fucking plant.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Happy Fucking New Year
Hello there, my lovely followers. It seems a new year is upon us! This means all the more opportunities for me to find more things that I dislike and write about them! Since that is practically all I do, right?
TRICK QUESTION. TEE HEE EITHER WAY YOU LOSE. :D
Anyways, today I'd like to discuss a very important topic with my loyal loving followers,
Attention Seeking Whiners With Too Much Time On Their Hands
We all know one.
Perhaps you are one.
Chew on that for a while.
Anyway, it all starts with some person that texts you while your driving in the car somewhere. Of course, being the intelligent and caring person you are, you don't check your text messages while you're driving. You don't want to be that asshole that is checking their texts and kills five people all over a text that says, "Hey u wuts up!?"
After two turns and a block your phone is incessantly buzzing in your pocket like a cheap vibrator. What the fuck is so important that someone feels the need to text you so much that your upper thigh is numb? Good thing you're almost to wherever the fuck you're going. Probably Taco Bell, since you're a fatty that loves those Frito Burritos that are there for a limited time only.
But like I was saying. You get there and instead of getting right out of your car and getting that delicious limited time only Frito Burrito, you pull your goddamn Blackberry out of your pocket and look at it.
13 New Messages
WHAT THE FUCK?
Alright there must be an emergency.
Text 1: Hey whats up?
Text 2: R u busy?
Text 3: Hey I need to talk to u.
Text 4: Why r u not responding!?
Text 5: its important!
Text 6: fine apparently u just dont care
Text 7: whatevr i didnt wanna talk to u anyway
Text 8: Plz respond i need to talk to uuuu!
Text 9: hey r u mad at me?
Just keep scrolling, there's bound to be one about their house on fire, dog exploding, car crashing, baby choking, rapture calling, domestic violence, drug bust, giraffe murder, or something important....something.
Text 10: wut did i do?
Text 11: plz answer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Text 12: Y cant u just answer! i need u!
This is it, the most important text, has to be the one stating the actual emergency.
Text 13: k txt me when ur free i guess.
Mother fucker are you serious?
If I text you back right now you better be dead.
FUCKING DEAD.
Dead dead dead.
Okay fine.
[Text back]
Hey, sorry I was driving, what is the problem?
Hey how r u?
Fine, how are you?
Not so good
Well I KIND of assumed that by your 50 pointless texts. Elaborate please.
What's wrong?
i dont want to talk about it.
Oh, I'm sorry, my mistake for assuming that after you sent me 13 texts and then blatantly expressed you not feeling up to par, that you wanted to talk about it. HOW SILLY OF ME.
How about we meet up for lunch and I slit your throat? No? Okay then tell me what's wrong.
This is when a normal person asks again, "Oh no, what's wrong, are you alright? You can tell me!"
This is when I say,
"Oh, alright, talk to you later then."
I'm sorry did you want me to coddle you? Because I'm not going to coddle your whiny indecisive ass. If you want to fucking text me 13 times while I drive ten blocks to Taco Bell then you better have something majorly important to say or I will kill you.
I will track down your whiny wanna-be depressed ass and stick a baseball bat in it. A wooden one so you get splinters.
Then you can text me about not wanting to talk about the fucking splinters in your asshole. How does that sound?
It'll be alright because you won't need to talk about them since I PUT THEM THERE.
I'll already be well informed of your situation. Thus saving me 13 texts and a migraine.
Go back to your fucking suburbia in your Geo Metro with your hipster friends and
Shut the HELL UP.
TRICK QUESTION. TEE HEE EITHER WAY YOU LOSE. :D
Anyways, today I'd like to discuss a very important topic with my loyal loving followers,
Attention Seeking Whiners With Too Much Time On Their Hands
We all know one.
Perhaps you are one.
Chew on that for a while.
Anyway, it all starts with some person that texts you while your driving in the car somewhere. Of course, being the intelligent and caring person you are, you don't check your text messages while you're driving. You don't want to be that asshole that is checking their texts and kills five people all over a text that says, "Hey u wuts up!?"
After two turns and a block your phone is incessantly buzzing in your pocket like a cheap vibrator. What the fuck is so important that someone feels the need to text you so much that your upper thigh is numb? Good thing you're almost to wherever the fuck you're going. Probably Taco Bell, since you're a fatty that loves those Frito Burritos that are there for a limited time only.
But like I was saying. You get there and instead of getting right out of your car and getting that delicious limited time only Frito Burrito, you pull your goddamn Blackberry out of your pocket and look at it.
13 New Messages
WHAT THE FUCK?
Alright there must be an emergency.
Text 1: Hey whats up?
Text 2: R u busy?
Text 3: Hey I need to talk to u.
Text 4: Why r u not responding!?
Text 5: its important!
Text 6: fine apparently u just dont care
Text 7: whatevr i didnt wanna talk to u anyway
Text 8: Plz respond i need to talk to uuuu!
Text 9: hey r u mad at me?
Just keep scrolling, there's bound to be one about their house on fire, dog exploding, car crashing, baby choking, rapture calling, domestic violence, drug bust, giraffe murder, or something important....something.
Text 10: wut did i do?
Text 11: plz answer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Text 12: Y cant u just answer! i need u!
This is it, the most important text, has to be the one stating the actual emergency.
Text 13: k txt me when ur free i guess.
Mother fucker are you serious?
If I text you back right now you better be dead.
FUCKING DEAD.
Dead dead dead.
Okay fine.
[Text back]
Hey, sorry I was driving, what is the problem?
Hey how r u?
Fine, how are you?
Not so good
Well I KIND of assumed that by your 50 pointless texts. Elaborate please.
What's wrong?
i dont want to talk about it.
Oh, I'm sorry, my mistake for assuming that after you sent me 13 texts and then blatantly expressed you not feeling up to par, that you wanted to talk about it. HOW SILLY OF ME.
How about we meet up for lunch and I slit your throat? No? Okay then tell me what's wrong.
This is when a normal person asks again, "Oh no, what's wrong, are you alright? You can tell me!"
This is when I say,
"Oh, alright, talk to you later then."
I'm sorry did you want me to coddle you? Because I'm not going to coddle your whiny indecisive ass. If you want to fucking text me 13 times while I drive ten blocks to Taco Bell then you better have something majorly important to say or I will kill you.
I will track down your whiny wanna-be depressed ass and stick a baseball bat in it. A wooden one so you get splinters.
Then you can text me about not wanting to talk about the fucking splinters in your asshole. How does that sound?
It'll be alright because you won't need to talk about them since I PUT THEM THERE.
I'll already be well informed of your situation. Thus saving me 13 texts and a migraine.
Go back to your fucking suburbia in your Geo Metro with your hipster friends and
Shut the HELL UP.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
How I Indirectly Sold My Soul to the Easter Bunny
Before I even begin to tell this story- due to the nature of its content- I have to put a disclaimer.
Disclaimer: Don't be a dumb ass and get angry about the stuff I post.
Kthx.
Alright so when you walk through the OSU campus you can find a variety of things. You can find college students, garbage cans, PETA trying to get you to pledge your money, food shops, and if you're not good at avoiding them: people trying to spread the gospel.
Disclaimer: Don't be a dumb ass and get angry about the stuff I post.
Kthx.
"Are you ready for redemption? Are you ready to be saved? Is your soul fit for Jesus to judge!?"Um...fuck you?
Alright so when you walk through the OSU campus you can find a variety of things. You can find college students, garbage cans, PETA trying to get you to pledge your money, food shops, and if you're not good at avoiding them: people trying to spread the gospel.
See, here's where I don't want people getting angry.
If you're angry about people being blasphemous- then quit reading right now.
You're still reading. Stop.
Stop.
I said stop.
Are you still reading?
OK.
You have no right to be a pissy bitch now. I warned you. :)
I honestly don't know if it's like this on every campus, I'm assuming at some point or another there are these crazy people. There are the people that like to stand out in front of the library and hold signs saying incredibly intelligent jargon like...
The end is near.
Jesus hates fags.
Pray for redemption!
God is the only true path!
Help me get the stick out of my ass!
I personally try my hardest to stay away from these people. Not because I necessarily hate it when people voice their opinions. I just hate when these people do. I just have a tendency to want to fight with these people. They tend to be seen though my eyes with a huge target between their eyes that says "Throw Rock Here."
Then there are other people that are usually a lot nicer. They are the friendly gentlemen that stand at the corners around campus and hand out mini New Testament bibles. Usually they are polite and ask if you would like to have a bible. If you say "No thank you." or "I already have one, thanks." or "I'm Jewish." they tend to leave you alone about it. Well the other day I ran into one that was like a combination of the sign people, and the bible handout brigade.
He wanted to take the bible and thump me with it. Too bad it was way too small or he might have. I mean they are smaller than a freaking cup coaster. Well, he asked me if I wanted a bible and it went a little something like this:
Man: "Hello, would you like a bible?"
Myself: "Oh no, thank you."
At this point he notices the pentagram necklace I am wearing.
"What do you identify as?" the man asks.
As if it was any of his fucking business, but being the very nice person I am, I answered him anyway.
"I tend to tell people I am pagan. I have my own beliefs on things," I tell him politely.
"Is God part of your beliefs?" The man asks sharply.
At this point I'm starting to realize where he's going with the questions. "Well a goddess like figure deity thing is part of my beliefs. Why does it matter?"
He narrows his eyes. "Do you realize that when you die, God is going to look at everything you have done in your life? It is very important to live by his word."
Yeah and when God looks over my life he's going to realize how much of my time you wasted and put a black mark on your tally. So can I go now?
"That's great, and would be important to me if I believed in god," I turned to go as I had experienced enough of this kind of stuff to know that I would be fighting with him within a few minutes if I didn't walk away right then.
He kept going though, inviting me to stay, "You aren't afraid of what God will do when he judges your soul?"
Did God forget to install a brain in your head? Didn't we already go over this?
Did God forget to install a brain in your head? Didn't we already go over this?
"Well see, I hate to disappoint God but I already promised the Easter Bunny that he could judge my soul. It would be rude to let God do it after promising the Easter Bunny." I had the most serious look on my face that I could muster.
He got this look on his face as if he was trying to decide if I was mentally challenged, serious, or being a smart ass jerk.
"Why would you promise the Easter Bunny such a thing? To promise your soul to such fiction."
I got a wide eyed stare of absolutely horror...
"Are you saying the Easter Bunny isn't real?"
>:(
"Well of course," he says, "The Easter Bunny is a character that was made up by men."
Oh man did he really just say that? WHY WOULD YOU OPEN YOURSELF UP LIKE THAT?
Omgomgomgomgomgomgomg.
:o
"Oh well in that case I guess I don't have to worry."
"Why is that?"
"Because God is fictional."
"And how do you figure that?" he asks.
"Well apparently by definition, fictional is a character that was made up by men."
Blasphemy-o-meter: Red
He was not very happy with me.
I decided I still didn't want a bible.
U MAD BRO?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)