The Stages of Sleep Deprivation

We've all been there- the couple of days when you decide, "Hey, I'll just pull an all nighter to get that paper done. No big deal."

Yeah, no big deal.

How about six all nighters?

It has come to my attention that there are distinct stages of sleep deprivation. I have not necessarily been through them all, but in my six nights of not sleeping I've been through quite a few of them, and I've found out first had that it's not worth it. Yet I keep doing it. Because I don't feel like I have a choice. 

Day #1 Without Sleep:

After one day without sleep, it's not really much different from college life in general, except that you feel a little more run down. I was yawning a lot and I felt like I was sluggish and unresponsive. I felt a little slow in my responses and it took more than a few seconds to think up a response to people's inquiries. I spent that day doing my seven papers and attempting to study Biochemistry. It was unsuccessful. I did however, get papers done. This made me feel much better about my body's suffering.

 

Day #2 Without Sleep:

After two days without sleep, at this point it becomes a whole new ballpark. I had promised myself I was going to sleep but it didn't happen. I stayed up all night again doing more papers. What's funny is during the day I was doing papers too. I just wasn't getting far enough fast enough. I also had like seven papers assigned at the same time, that makes it a little harder. I was now very slow in my responses to people's questions, and my sentences became a little slurred and slow but really I was still cognitive and fine. I could easily walk a straight line and my work wasn't suffering. Still worth it, or so I felt. It became a nice nightly ritual to stare at the bed and think, "I should really sleep..." but I never did, because I looked at my computer and then decided it was more important to get that synthesis paper done. 

Symptoms of day two without sleeping was that my hands started shaking a little- all the time. It was obnoxious because I had to use razor blades in lab, and pipette shit into wells on agarose gels. All of these things take steady hands. I ended up fucking up more than one gel and spilling ethanol on my book. Not the best day, but it wasn't as bad as the failing grade I would have gotten had I not done my paper. Day two was not that bad, 48 hours in without sleep isn't THAT bad, although I think you're pretty much close to being legally intoxicated or something. 

Day #3 Without Sleep:

This is where things started getting fun. My ecology professor assigned another paper and I was only done with four of my seven and they were all coming up, deadlines approaching really quickly. I ended up staying up all night again to write my papers. I took a one hour nap-like thing before class, I just felt god awful after doing that. It felt like someone had slapped me in the face with an electric eel. I pushed through, this is why Josh calls me "Juggernaut" because I'm like a tank and I just keep pushing. If you've never experienced three days with practically no sleep- you start hallucinating. 

My hallucinations weren't that bad honestly (to start with). They were ants. Apparently my brain decided to take all the anguish it was feeling without much needed precious sleep and turned it into ants. They were EVERYWHERE. On my desk, walls, computer, and on me! Of course when I'd slap them I'd realize they weren't there. Which made it all the more frustrating because I'd go after these ants and they wouldn't be there, which would confuse my poor brain even more. I spent the night writing my papers and working on a review guide for the class I teach. I didn't get as far as I'd have liked, while also keeping myself semi-focused mentally by talking to my friend Terry that works night shifts. 

My head was constantly pounding and I had really bad balance. My feet were swollen from never getting off of them. You can't walk three days without lying down and letting them rest and not have them become upset. I'll tell you that. I took another twenty minute nap in the MU that day before work. God I love the MU. Anyway, my ability to form cognitive sentences was diminishing and I was having problems solving simple issues at work. 

"Um...we're out of black table cloths, what do you want us to do?"

Normally I'd say, "Just use white then, no big deal."

Instead- I just stood there looking at Mo like I was crazy. I had no idea what to do, I was lost in my own little sleep deprived world. It was hard to make the tables straight and my chair angles were awful. Work was suffering now and I felt bad- but I was only 5 out of 7 papers done. I still had more. 

Day #4 Without Sleep:

If you've never seen scary shit in your life, like horror sci-fi ghost story shit. Here's where you'll start seeing it. By day four I was paranoid out of my life. I felt like around every corner was a pit I'd fall into. I couldn't focus, but I couldn't sleep either. I laid down and my brain said, "No, asshole, I do believe you still have three papers do to, since you now have another one for your Plant Lab Techniques class. I suggest you do it." and I would lay there and be near tears, waiting to fall asleep- but I wouldn't.

I started seeing more than just ants. At the bottom of the stairs there was always this black lump in the dark. For some reason I can't explain- I wouldn't turn on the lights. They hurt my eyes, and I felt like if I turned on the lights "they" would see me.  


Has anyone reading my blog played Minecraft? Well my old roommate, Brian, did. They had monsters called Enderman, and they wouldn't attack you until you looked at them. Well that's what the lump at the bottom of my stairs would do. I'd look down at the door, waiting for it to burst into flames or something, and see that looming black lump at the bottom of the stairs. I don't know what my brain was trying to conceive was down there, but it was there. If I stared at it long enough it would begin to move. It would start vibrating and begin to rock back and forth. Then an arm would reach up to the stair above where it was. Then if I kept staring, which I always would because I was too tired to realize that I was falling into my own brain's trap, it would stand fully to a tall thin figure. 


I would continue to stare at it for a good 60 seconds before it would start climbing the stairs towards me. Quickly, mind you. I wasn't quick enough to realize it before this thing was half-way up the stairs and I would run into my room and lock the door. I would sit there and wait, holding my breath, waiting for that thing to start ransacking the door. It never did though, because it didn't really exist. I began to hear voices, and it was like a battle to concentrate because I would hear legitimate conversations next to me. All my days had blurred together and I was unsure that it was Monday, other than the fact that I had the day off because it was Memorial Day. 


I don't have anyone that's ever home, Brian is gone in Portland, and Lilly just is never here. I'm alone nearly all the time and that makes it really easy for your brain to go crazy and think up great shit. If you ever get to four days without sleep, I suggest you stop- and go to sleep- because it only gets worse. 

Day #5 Without Sleep:

By this point, my body had understandably decided that I was never going to sleep again. I looked like a mess. I seriously looked like I'd just gotten into a car accident. My hair had not been brushed in five days, I'd showered, thankfully, but I hadn't taken care of myself otherwise. I brushed my teeth, took showers, put deodorant on...but I didn't wear make-up, didn't brush my hair, didn't give a shit. I had (still have) huge rings under my eyes and my face looked pale and sickly. I went into work and before I did I rinsed my face with water and pumped myself up on caffeine so that I'd look semi normal.  

My hallucinations had come to a steady line of the same bullshit every time I went certain places, but didn't get worse. I began to feel...better. .I felt like I had just slept 10 hours and was ready to go. I had energy and wasn't groggy. Apparently my body had dipped into the reserves of my soul and had begun feeding on it in order to survive. Anyway, it was alright, because I had six of my seven papers done. I could sleep peacefully that night knowing that I had done all my work!

Just kidding.

That day we were going out into the field for Plant Ecology. Guess who got assigned yet another paper? I was displeased, as I was to the point I had to focus REALLY hard to walk, and I had given up driving because I realized that it was unsafe to do so. I hope you all realize these weren't little dinky one page papers double spaced. These were massive mother fuckers and the majority weren't allowed to be double spaced. I noticed recently that at about day five I became infatuated with doors. 

Yes, doors.

But that doesn't make much sense, does it? Well if you came into my house, I have four doors in my house, three of which are normally open since Lilly doesn't live here. I would leave the bathroom door open, my closet door open, my bedroom door open, and if it was really hot I'd open Lilly's door to let in some air. I began to close them. I was legitimately afraid of open doors. I didn't consciously do it. I just did. I was afraid of what was behind them, all the time. It carried over to work, I didn't like walking by closets that were dark and the doors were open. I was paranoid and my vision had tunneled. 

You're probably thinking I'm a stupid asshole that should just sleep at this point. I couldn't. I really, really tried. I laid in bed for three hours, deliberately ignoring my papers. I just wanted to sleep, I wanted nothing more than to sleep. I tried taking some Benedryl because my friend suggested that, since it made me fall asleep last time I took it. That didn't work.  It just made me really dizzy and feel like I was going to throw up. 

Symptoms of five day sleep deprivation:

- Shaky hands, no balance, and slow response time.

- No response to pain, I cut myself on a knife and I didn't even register it while staring at my bleeding hand. Never did. I put a band-aid and while it would have been a sharp pain that stung, it didn't. I felt a dull echoing ache- but no actual pain. I don't even know what day this was because my days blurred together and I am unsure of what day it is. I took my bandaid off and the cut wasn't there, sooo I may have imagined cutting myself too. 

 - Hallucinations: Ants, creepy thin men at the bottom of the stairs, movements out of the corners of my eyes, door knobs twisting, the fun shit.

- Body aches and pains (gone by about day 4).

- Slowed reaction time and very stressed responses to questions. It took probably quadruple the amount of time to complete a simple response for someone at work or in class. I was slurring my words and I had no idea why I was repeating myself, but I did.

- Body's resistance to sleep. It's as though it had forgotten how to sleep. I had taken quick short naps but my body would wake up shortly after for whatever reason, and refuse to go back to sleep. 

 - More I cant think of. 

Day #6 Without Sleep:

This was by far the worst day of my life. I was to the point where I was falling apart. I couldn't think, but I had done all but one paper. One. The biggest and baddest, but I was done enough that I felt like I could sleep. I took a short 3 hour nap today. (Yes this is today, and yes 3 hours is short.) 


I had the worst nightmares and sleep paralysis I've ever had in my life. I dreamed of fire and death and loud noises. I have a fear of loud noises anyway, and in my head all I heard was terrible grinding noises and screaming. So much screaming. I became fully aware and awake but couldn't move. I've had this happen before when I'm sleep deprived. I couldn't open my eyes and I felt like I had hands touching me all over. I was having a fucking panic attack in my sleep, and couldn't get up.


This definitely didn't make sleeping any easier. I just want to feel better. I really do. Why can't I sleep? I don't know. But I'm going to try (again) after this to see if I can. If I can't, it's time to go to the student health center. Something I should have done about 4 days ago, but figured I didn't need to because there are other people that do it worse- but they drink energy drinks constantly. I would drink coffee but I would often go 6 - 7 hours between caffeine intake which nearly killed me. 


I'm still trying to sort out what I've written and what I haven't. I don't have any idea what I wrote, as I don't remember writing it, but I've already had two handed back and I got As on both. So either I'm very good at writing while brain dead, or the teachers pity me. All my days have blurred together and I kind of remember going to work, kind of remember seeing people, kind of remember living. But not really.

I had no idea how much I needed someone. Just someone to tell me that it's going to be okay, that they love me, and that even though I'm borderline psychotic right now, and an insomniac, I'm still a good person. I keep telling myself it's okay- "fuck everyone I don't need them. Don't want to talk to me? Fine- delete you off facebook, and quit talking to you." That attitude. This is a bad angle, do not take it.

 Appreciate your abilities.

Take nothing for granted.

Waste no time unless desired.

Keep pushing.

Here we are, Juggernaut.

 

WebMD

                                             

One Million Moms

Okay, so I know some people are very hard core Christian, and they are very supportive of the Christian movements. This is fine, I have NOTHING against that. I think that it's great that you find things that you love and work to support them.

That being said, if you don't like:
Homosexuality.
People questioning your reasoning.
Rants (even if fucking hilarious).

Then don't read this. Because A) I will be backing homosexuals. B) I will be questioning the reasoning behind this group. and C) This is a rant.

-----------------------------------------------

So I've been following this development for some time, and while I should be sleeping right this second, I'm not. This is because I'm so fired up about these people and the stupid shit they do, that I need to blog about it right this second or I will explode. If you haven't heard, there is a group called One Million Moms that is attempting to incite a riot over JCPenney hiring Ellen DeGeneres to be their spokeswoman.

Why would you not want Ellen as your spokeswoman anyway?

Oh oh, you know, I can understand if some people don't like her humor. I mean yeah sometimes she's just not that funny. Like when she had someone dress up as a banana to scare Megan Fox?
Totally not funny.

Oh, and her hair? Yeah maybe not the best, perhaps that's why they don't want her speaking on behalf of JCPenney. I mean if you're going to talk on television you HAVE to have nice hair. Perhaps it's her hair.
Yeah that's it.

No...maybe it's her voice? Do we not like her voice? 
I'm running out of options here...

None of the above, actually, it's because 

Ellen DeGeneres is a lesbian. 

You know what I think? I think this group needs to rethink their name. I think instead of One Million Moms, it should be "One Million Morons." It's groups like this that make people think that all Christians are assholes. I know really nice Christian people that think these people are assholes, so maybe we just need to poke them in the asshole hard enough with a stick that says,

"STOP USING THIS AS YOUR ROLE MODEL."

After hearing about the fact that they are boycotting JCPenney merely based upon the fact that they are hiring her as a spokeswoman and that they have "Alternative Lifestyle Couples" in their magazines it's an absolute rage. It's hilarious actually. I looked at their website to see exactly what their goals are, and what they are all about- I mean what has this group done that makes them feel so righteous and self-entitled that they can take away the rights to a job merely due to someone's sexual preference?

First, I looked at their Facebook, since it was the closest and easiest access point to basic information, here was their "About" Section: 

Here's how the One Million Moms Campaign works. We inform you about a particular issue (TV network, sponsor, or station), giving you a link to a "take action" page on the website. You e-mail the responsible party. That's it!

Translation: Here's how we brainwash you into working towards our spiteful agenda. We give you a one-sided story about a particular issue that nobody should even worry about (On the TV, a sponsor, or station) giving you a link to harass the party we don't like. You just e-mail the party and flood their inbox with messages. That's it!

Then I looked at their mission statement:

Where Christian moms stand up for their children. Let your voice be heard!

Okay, so I understand that every mom wants what's best for their child. It's a given, that if their child is sick they want them to be healed, if they are hungry, to be fed, and so on. Have any of these people thought about maybe giving their children the option to decide for themselves? What I don't understand, is why it's okay to harass the gay community. Let's say suddenly, JCPenney hired an openly Christian spokeswoman- if people were to start harassing them saying "We're boycotting you because you hired a Christian!" 

Do you think that it would be deemed socially acceptable?

Likely not.

What's really sad, is a lot of these moms are going to have children that grow up, and guess what? They will be gay. There is NOTHING wrong with that! Although I'm sure they'll grow up feeling absolutely terrible about it and feel like they are the scum of the earth because they like Timmy when they "should like Sally." Which is pitiful, because they preach love and compassion for all and then pull stupid shit like this. 

After looking at their Facebook page I moved to their site, which was equally, if not more disappointing.

There are plenty of issues on there that I'm sure I would have looked at and wanted to slit my wrists for having to share a species with these people, but since I was on the topic of JCP I looked at that one.

The group talked about how recently, the JCP magazine had had ONE feature in it that was two women and their daughters. It said that Maggie was Wendi's partner, and they have daughters- Raven and Clover. 

I'm offended already. Who the fuck names their daughter CLOVER? COME ON.

And the group mentions how JCP had said they would stay neutral in the "Cultural War."

First off: Why is there this "cultural war" going on anyway? Because bitches like you have nothing better to do than start one. There wouldn't be any problems if people would just learn to accept others for who they are, instead of having that incessant need to push values on them. 

Don't like gay marriage? Don't fucking get one. 

......Ohhh but they'll go to hell! You're apparently not so who cares? 

..........Jesus said we needed to help save everyone, we are his messengers! Jesus also said to love everyone and you're choosing to ignore that one so maybe you can ignore this one too. 

There is no cultural war unless we make one. Apparently you're all bored and feel like you need to start one.  

Pick up a fucking hobby.

I hear parachuting is nice- spice it up a little and try it without the parachute! 

  Then came the issue of "Neutrality." Now when I think of neutrality I think of either representing everyone equally, or representing no one. On their site they mentioned how it was unfair that they were featuring gay people blatantly in their magazine.  

"OMM has so many issues to cover we had no choice but to move on earlier in the year but have decided to revisit this issue and speak out again. It is obvious that JCP would rather take sides than remain neutral. JCP will hear from the other side so they need to hear from us as well." 

On pages ten and eleven of that magazine they featured a gay couple. How many pages were in that magazine I wonder? Likely not three, so I'm assuming that two pages featuring homosexuality was not the majority if the magazine. Therefore, I'm going to have to agree with OMM here in saying that JCP was not neutral at all. They were obviously favoring straight couples. I mean if the rest of the magazine was all either single moms/dads and straight couples, then really they were showing a bias towards the gay community.

Oh that's not what the problem was? 

Obviously the solution to this problem is to just dress up genderless mannequins for their ads- that will solve all bias problems. 

"Last time OMM contacted JC Penney store managers, we were brushed off. Some even experienced in person the store manager saying "Thank you" and walking off while their customer and our concerned members were in mid-sentence. OMM has been told that JCP corporate office told store managers to say "Thank you" and then walk away. If they want our business, then we will not be ignored!"

All I have to say to this is THANK YOU JCPenney, for not giving into these bullies, for not even listening to the crap to begin with. Just for that next time I need socks I'll be coming to you. 

"The store managers are the ones who can communicate to corporate for their customers. Managers will not want to be in the middle so when we politely express our concern to them, they should realize that they are the ones taking all the complaints and corporate is not having to answer for the decisions they are making. Managers will pass along customers’ frustrations, and their own, to corporate because they will likely get tired of their game. Managers will also have to answer to corporate for the loss in sales from traditional families, so we will give them the proof they need to back this up when we tell them we will no longer be able to shop with them until they take a neutral stand." 

Once again here you are throwing around the "neutral" word. What is neutral? Is neutral "What we decide is acceptable." ? Because if it is, that's not neutral. Personally I think that JCP is moving towards a MORE neutral stance by beginning to include the LGBTQII community. Also, loss of sales from traditional families? Are you fucking kidding? Your name is One Million Moms, and you have 47,000 people on your page. 

Then I find it absolutely hilarious that they equate the fact that quote...

"J.C. Penney is reporting a bigger-than-expected loss and plummeting profits in the first quarter and lost $163 million in the quarter ending April 28."

To THEIR boycott! They don't come right out and say that, but the comments left by members do. Give me a fucking break. We are in a shitty economy, people don't have money to spend, and employers and companies are all struggling to keep afloat. Don't be so negligent to equate our shitty economy to a successful "47,000 complaint fest about lesbians." JCPenney isn't going to shut down because YOU hate gay people. 

Why does it matter who Ellen wants to hold hands with? She's not having sex with women in the JCPenney commercials. It doesn't fucking matter! IT DOESN'T. 

  

It's obvious- The fact that Ellen Degeneres is gay- AND advertising socks (!) is going to make our children want to have a gay marriage.

The way my beautiful friend Seanna put it:

Its the gay agenda!! Don't you know if you buy socks from JCPenny's you're going to become a homo-gay-bian? omg!! End of the world!

http://onemillionmoms.com/IssueDetail.asp?id=453

 

Not All Degrees Are Created Equal

So I was talking to my friend back in my home state a few days ago,
Mistake #1
and she mentioned to me how she had decided she'd go to college since she had found out that there really were no jobs out there that she would truly enjoy without a college degree. She apparently was sick of working fast food.

Congratulations, it only took you four years!

Being the type of person I am, it was nice to hear that she'd finally matured a little from her, "Fuck society, fuck school, fuck everything I'm too cool for this" mentality and had come to terms that in order to get where she wants to go, she needs to go to college, or at least a trade school- something. I had told her when we graduated where I was going and she just laughed at me,

"LOL Oregon State? Why the hell would you go there? What makes you think that you're going to do any better with a degree anyway? Colleges just take your money and you still end up unemployed. Waste of time."

Ohhh I dunno... where have I heard that getting a college degree helps out career wise...

• Every financial education class I ever attended.
• Every school counselor I ever saw.
• Every book or article I've ever read that had "Tips to Financial Success" anywhere in the title or body text. 
• Etc. Etc.

 So really, I was in the "suit yourself" boat at that point. She wanted to laugh at me for going to college? I'd laugh at her for ending up homeless after her mom finally kicks her out for freeloading. Turns out her mom told her she had to go to college to continue living there since she refused to get a job (Fuck corporate America, ya know) so she finally agreed. 

I asked her what she was studying, since after knowing her attitude all through high school, I had no idea what the hell she'd be interested in studying. She excitedly told me that she was studying

Interior Design

Which I thought was absolutely fabulous. I can totally see that being something she'd get into. I was very excited for her. I made sure to let her know how proud I was of her for getting her head in the game and doing what she loved. Then she started talking about how great she was doing in school. She apparently was getting straight A's and B's and having a blast in her classes. Once again I was very excited for her, and very impressed. I used to get A's and B's, before I got to my Junior year and it became four times as hard. She mentioned how she didn't understand how people kept telling her how college was so hard, because of course, it wasn't.
This is when she started dropping little piss bitch remarks that made me want to smack her in the vag with a hammer. 

"Yeah I remember how you'd mentioned how college is so much harder than high school. I think you're just not trying hard enough or something. College is easy."

Excuse me, asshole, you're taking INTERIOR DESIGN. Pardon me for thinking that perhaps 400 level Biochemistry courses and 400 level Organic Chemistry courses were harder than "Business 101" and "What Colours Go Fabulous Together 202." 

"I mean, you also say you're sooo busy but I have so much free time even AFTER I do my homework, are you managing your time at all? I mean, come on."

How many credits are you taking? Like 6? What is your homework, "Draw a picture of a room with a couch in it and matching drapes!!!!11!" That and you're taking your classes at a fucking community college. You know what's funny about that? The people here tell me "If you want to take an easier course, take it at Linn Benton CC." So really, you are taking easy classes, with an easy number of credits AND YOU AREN'T WORKING. 

"I think that you were just trying to make it sound like you were working harder than you are."

This is when I wished I could punch her THROUGH my phone. 
Everyone I know here would vouch for the fact that when I say that college kids live off of coffee, don't sleep, have zero time when they have a job, and feel like they are going to die nearly 24/7.

Just because you decided that interior design is equivalent to a biology, pharmacy, or engineering major, doesn't mean it is.  

You're going to "Kindercollege" you fucking bitch. Shut the fuck up and take a real class. 

Think me up a designer shower curtain to wrap your dead body in.    

...Oh and a designer shovel to bury you with, too.  

Why Being A Teaching Assistant is Awesome

So as some of you may know, this term I foolishly became a teaching assistant. This means that in exchange for three credits, I am selling my soul to the botany department. I grade, teach, tutor, and clean up after the students. It's actually extremely fun, I can't think of anything I'd rather do for three credits. I take my position entirely too loosely, and often times I do things without thinking about them, only to realize ten seconds after I do them, that it was extremely inappropriate.

But that's why I'm the "favourite T.A."

The first day was great, seeing as though I'd recently watched the Ninja Sex Party video "Dinosaur Laser Fight," in which Dr. Sexbang gets up in front of the class and seductively inquires about their learning capacity.  All in all, I feel I was extremely successful at catching their attention when I got up and seductively said,

"Alright class, are you ready to leeeaaarrrrn?"

I don't think any of them (including my overseeing professor) knew what to do at that point. I just stared at them and then sat down and pretended to be normal.
 I feel like at this point I had already won some of them over-- yesssss.


After a few classes we learned about a plant family that was big into self pollination. This is where they essentially have their own pollen land on their own stigmas, and create plant babies. We were discussing the problems with this, as well as the advantages. The students were coming up with some really great reasons why it would be beneficial, but none really had that great of reasoning why it would be bad. One guy asked what the closest biological process in the "animal kingdom" to self pollination was, 
I really didn't think my answer through.
Nonononononono.

"Well, I'd have to say probably masturbating, but scarier. Wouldn't it suck to be a plant? You wouldn't be able to touch yourself without fear of putting a bun in your oven. It'd be like, 'Oh who's the daddy?' and you'd have to say, 'Me...dammit, I should have listened to Jesus!'"
Reactions were as follows:
One kid just stared at me with his mouth open.
A girl I tend to fancy started laughing so hard she cried.
The boy with his hand raised put it down and then started laughing.
My fellow T.A. just stared at me like I was a psycho. 

...moving on, class.  
I really thought I might lose my job for that one. Bahahaha.


After that one I made sure to watch myself more carefully because I have sort of an anal retentive overseeing professor. He's super amazing and awesome and I love him dearly, but he wrings his hands while he talks.
nononononononononononononononono....

Two weeks later I was doing really well at making sure I didn't say stupid shit. 
Bitch you jinxed it.
We were learning about a plant that is wind pollinated and dioecious (having two separate plants for the genders, one girl plant one boy plant.) The male plant has the stamens hanging out all over for the wind to take the pollen off of. The class was having such a hard time remembering which plant was the female plant and the male plant. Fellow T.A. attempted to explain and they were still getting confused. I asked a count of people who were pretty sure they had it down.

Like two fucking people raised their hands.

I figured it was time to bring out the big guns. I held out the male plant in one hand, and the female plant in the other hand. I took the male plant and held it out further and said,
"This is the male plant. You know it's the male plant because it has little penises hanging out in the wind here. They just flop all over and the wind blows the sperm all over the place," then I held out the female plant. "See, and here's the female plant, it's like the plant vagina, the sperm wants to get to these." then I stared at them for a minute as they gave me blank stares.

 Fuck. Blank. Stares.
This is when I rubbed the plants together and said,
"....and when you rub them together, it's plant porn!! *hums porno music as I rub them together in a random fashion*
Needless to say, I got the "That was inappropriate," lecture. If there's one fucking thing these students will remember, its which part is the penis and which is the vag. So there.


The last incident I recall was actually just a few days ago. Some quick background, my class has to collect  pressed plants for a major part of the grade. They are docked major points if they bring in rare or protected plants. This encourages them to research before picking just anything, and to reduce the rate these rare plants get picked off. Well they have to bring in one pressed sample for us to grade their technique. One guy brought his in and he motions me over with a,

"Kori...psst, Kori, Kori, hey hey!" so I go over, "Is this plant rare...?" and he began to open the newspaper so I could see it. 

As soon as I could see the plant I clasped my hands over my mouth and gasped and looked generally concerned. 

He of course, began to panic, "Oh shit, shit no! I didn't know, oh god is it rare? Nooo shit!! :(" and generally just having a heart attack thinking he was going to fail. 
As I walked away, I casually said, "...nope."  

He goes, "You are a JERK." and began to laugh. 

Bitches.  

Why the Rest of the World is Sad Brian Moved Out

Because he took away my phone when I drank, at least while he was here, that is. Now when I go to a party and play beer pong and drink beer, I have my phone on me. Oh yes, yes I do.

And I apparently am not afraid to fucking use it.

The first text I'd like to apologize for really isn't that bad, it was just to someone I'd told myself I'd leave alone, apparently drunk me doesn't think that's necessary:
"Ball in the cup!! Ball in the cup!! O'Hara and Kori win! Weehehehehe :0"
Okay, not so bad-  still apologizing since I am an idiot. Hmhmhmmm.

Moving on.

The next victim...I mean friend, I texted- got a lot more than I think he bargained for when he texted me going, "Hey what's up?"

Me: Beer pong.
Him: Alcoholic ;) lol
Me: You fucking know it...but not really.
Him: How drunk are you?
Me: Not very, why?
Oh if you wanted to play 20 questions I'm still down with that. What's your favourite shape of potato?
Him: Well I prefer the more round and symmetrical ones cause they are easier to cut and peel. Where did that come from?
Me: I think you meant to ask, "What's your favourite shape of potato?" and the answer is: Blue.
Him: ....cause that cleared a lot up.
Me: It cleared everything up. You just weren't listening!
Him: ohhhhhyeah....no. So what's your favorite type of hat for a llama to wear?
Me: Obviously a fedora.
Him: Makes sense.
Me: Well yeah. I mean how else are they supposed to paddle across the Atlantic without a fedora to guide them?
Him: Exactly! I knew someone else had to get it.
Me: Yeah, and slinkies, fuck slinkies. They just want to have sex with you while you aren't looking.
Him: Well that was less of a question and more of an anti-slinky campaign slogan but okay, haha.
Me: Are you saying you support slinkie rape? Slinky rape is STILL rape, you know.
Him: Not support, per se, Fim and profit from it, maybe.
Me: You're sick. You're like the pigeons that wait for people to sit on benches and then poop right beside them, and then as the person freaks out and is too preoccupied with the potential for getting shit on,  the bird swoops down and steals their baby. 
Him: And I don't even give them a reach around with that fucking.

Note how I spelled "Slinky" different multiple times. The main issue I see with all this drunk texting-

It's not much different from my normal train of thought.
Damnit.

Mein Cake

Sometimes I question why people love me.