The Dramatic and the Impossible [coming this fall to PBS!]

We all know them. We've got at least three to four in our lives. They are the people who make you want to pull your hair out. Everything becomes a horror story from hell...


The trip to the super market.
A meeting with an old friend they knew in high school.
Making dinner for a party of three.
Feeding their turtles.
Having to listen to other people's opinions.

That kind of shit is HARD.  :(

It's life threatening if done incorrectly and possibly causes insomnia, vomiting, diarrhea, and acne.
I'd source that shit, but I just made it up.

Anyway, so there's always going to be impossible people in your life, that no matter what you do, are never going to be happy. You could hand them a million fucking dollars and they would stare at it and say...

I wanted a million and ONE. You are SO inconsiderate! FUCK. I'M GOING TO BLOG ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW TO MY TWO FOLLOWERS! FUCK!

   Annnnd at this point they are already on their blog, telling the world (a.k.a the two followers they have) that you are an inconsiderate prick.

Oh but they don't outright say it. They have to be passive agressive about it.

Gotta be...SNEAKY.
Sneeeeaaaaky.

For example, let's say that your friend, aquantaince, whoever the fuck this dramatic person is, becomes upset with you because....
        Hm, let's say you didn't agree with them that every girl on the planet is a slut.

Just bear with me. Jesus.

First it goes like this....

THE FACEBOOK STATUS.
    [Dramatic Personage] I don't care what people think! I've never seen any different, all girls are sluts. ALL of them. And if YOU disagree, then YOU are PROBABLY a slut too.

Some awesome aspects to point out when this happens,
    Hey fucktard- if you didn't care what people thought, why did you post this status anyway?
        Also, if she's a female- point out that she too, has a vagina. Which conveniently, makes her a girl- and therefore by her logic, a slut.
            Openly point out that you are a WHORE, not a SLUT- sluts don't get paid.

Then, comes the

BLOG POSTS.

    "Oh my god so today I was talking to my totally stupid friend, who shall not be named of course, because I'm NOT a bitch. We were talking about girls and how they are all (or aren't by my friends
ideals) sluts. But have you seen the women these days? Total sluts. That's all I have to say. I don't care if you agree... [but knowing the fact you follow me, you probably will to avoid my wrath of spamming posts.]*

*Implied insert.

At this point there is probably one comment on their blog post, agreeing, making sure to point out that they agree with said person in every way. This is because people have no fucking backbone.

Yesssssss.

Then- one person stands up and says,
Hey that's not right, who the hell gave this bitch the right to free speech?

Annnnd that's about when....
Ten earthquakes hit Africa.
One hundred wolves attack a traveling caravan.
Two hundred pages of a report, due tomorrow, are lost to a power surge.
Power level reaches over 9000.
Hillary Clinton gets elected into office.

You know, terrifying shit goes down and stuff.

Usually it ends with this said person becoming overly dramatic, as stated, and dragging people into the percieved threat. Everyone becomes edgy and wishes that nothing had been said in the first place. People end up blocking other people, taking Facebook/Blog hiatuses, going on mass murder sprees, and stubbing their toes.

TOE STUBBING IS THE FUCKING DEVIL.



Now onto...[Insert Theme music]
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE AND "IMPOSSIBLE" PEOPLE...

Okay I am going to be totally not passive agressive here and say,
        I fucking hate it when people are passive aggressive.
JUST SAY IT. GOD.

I don't really enjoy getting online and seeing things posted on sites, in chats, or being directly said to
me, that are passive agressive.


"You know I really hate it when people stop talking to me because they know I'm right."

No, they stopped talking to you because you're a fucking annoying passive agressive bitch.

No, they won't comment on your status- because they realize that's your goal. 

You just want them to see it and feel remotely bad and be like, "Oh god I DID do that."

Well too bad- anyone with half a brain is going to think the exact opposite and if they are really smart, they'll acknowledge the fact that most sites allow you to block people or remove them from your feed.

Then they can post something like,

"I really hate it when people post passive aggressive bullshit and I can't remove it from my pag-...Oh wait I can, never mind."

See what they did there?
Genius. It's like toast. Delicious toast.

I also hate it when people are passively asking you to do something but they never say it outright and then get angry with you for not doing it.
Really? Sorry I'm not a mind reader.

Not that it matters, you'd have to have brain for me to read it.
Oh did I type that? Yeesh I'm sorry.

For example-
"I have to do a lot of yard work tomorrow and it'd be really cool if someone let me borrow their truck to go to the dump."

Oh wait, I own a truck...I'm not doing anything tomorrow...but I'm sure if I just let it go for a little bit someone else will offer. She didn't really ASK you know, it was more like a pipe dream or something.
If she really wanted my help, she would have straight up asked...

Right?

Perhaps- but it's just sooo much more fun to try to set people up so you can get mad at them. What kills me about these people is that they get mad at everyone for stupid little things that had nothing to do with the person they're mad at. Then afterwards, they wonder why nobody listens to them or even likes to talk to them.


WELL. LET'S SEE.
Would YOU like to be friends with someone who poentially could get angry at you for no reason at any moment? Dragging you into a puddle of shit and then stomping on you repeatedly until you either agreed with them or just ignored them?
Yeah, that'd be like being friends with yourself. Terrible thought huh?

Don't worry, one of these days you'll find a person who has the same views as you in every way, agrees with everything you say 100% of the time, and jumps into your drama with you any time you bring it up. 
IT WILL BE GLORIOUS!

Now then there are people who draw you into their problems, and then drop the subject. 

"So I am just so upset right now, I can't handle life anymore, I just want to die!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Well that kind of sent up like a thousand red flags. That can't be healthy, have you seen a psychiatrist?

So you are now afraid of what could possible be ailing your friend, WHY WOULD THEY WANT TO DIE? You decide to inquire as to what the problem could be...

My good friend, my sweet friend, you beautiful perfect person you, why are you upset? Did someone you know die? Do you have cancer? Is your mom sick? Did your dog get hit by a car?...tell me what happened I'm worried :(

"I don't want to talk about it...."

What? You don't want to talk about it. Why did you post that so the WHOLE fucking world of Facebook if you didn't want to talk about it. Usually when people post that kind of stuff they are searching for help. 

And then later...you see them post this status.

"Nobody cares about me. I'm sick of needing help and nobody comes to help. I'm sick of people not caring when I really need help. Nobody cares! NOBODY!"

I asked what was wrong earlier, what did you want me to do? Fly my ass out there and cradle you in my arms, petting your face and cooing "It will be okay, it'll be okay." over and over? 
Dude that's fucking creepy. If that's what you wanted then too damn bad. It's not happening. 


If you're one of those people...so help me God. 
Help me in stab them in the eye. Amen.

Getting Through Airport Security: The Jackass Way

So anyone who has every flown on a plane in the last few years, has probably noticed there are certain policies that the TSA follows and forces everyone to comply with. These are to ensure our safety and to make sure that they get their kicks and giggles out while having to work that 2 am shift. We all know they aren't sitting behind the body scanner laughing at our fat rolls- that would be absurd. Why, they are only looking out for our safety when they grope pretty much every part of your body- even the small flappy area under your balls. You could have forgotten a razor in there. That's dangerous.

So like I was saying, there are certain policies and techniques you are required to follow in order to board the plane and get to your destination. People who fly frequently know exactly what they are supposed to do and if you are one of those people- read no further. Or you can read anyway and laugh really hard.

Refusing such an offer would be like stabbing Jesus in the eyes with a salty french fry.

For the people who do not fly often, I have compiled a few very important tips on how to get through airport security smoothly (or not so much) and surely (maybe not). 

It all starts as you walk into the airport:
This is the point where in most airports (at least the one's I've been to) you take your bags, if you have any, to be checked by the people servicing your flight. Southwest, Delta, etc., are some commonly known airlines. Since this is usually how it starts, I'll begin here with my tips on how to get from entrance to terminal to airplane in only a few simple steps.

Step One: Checking your bags.
After reaching the airport, walk into the entrance- making sure to rush anyone in your way by walking on their heels. This states that you are important, much more important than they are. After shoving those simpletons aside, walk in the general direction of your airline service provider. If you are unsure of where you need to be, look along the far wall and it's very likely that in big bold letters it states where your airline company is located. 
After reaching your desired company, walk straight to the front of the line- unhooking the fabric belts as you go or walking under them. Do not pay any heed to the shouts or grumbles of the other patrons, they are simply cheering you on. When you have reached the front and are about to set your bag on the scale it is likely the woman will tell you to please go to the back of the line. Proceed to mention you are in a hurry and continue to place your bag on the scale. 
When these tactics fail and she asks you again to go to the back of the line, throw a huge fit like a 10 year old child and then yell that you will never fly with them again.
Proceed to end of line...with DIGNITY. 
While waiting in line, proceed to talk loudly to other people waiting in line. Talk about how unfair they treated you and how much you cannot believe their actions. Continue to spout your liberating and refreshing ideals while the people standing by ignore you. When you finally reach the front and set your bag on scale, you will need to print your boarding pass.

Step Two: Print your boarding pass.
After setting your bag on the scale, the lady will wait patiently as you print your boarding pass which will tell her where you are going. This will also trigger the printing of your bag tags, so that your precious suitcase doesn't get sent to Tulsa when you are on your way to Orlando. Stare at the screen reading every word on it, and then place your index finger on the screen.
Notice that it asks for your conformation number or to insert a credit card. Become immediately infuriated that it would ask for such a thing , inform the lady checking your bags that you do not know your conformation number. She will likely tell you to insert a major credit card into the machine. Proceed to insert your drivers license, get angry when it does not work. Complain to the lady, and then insert each of your seven debit cards, one by one, becoming more infuriated each time it does not work. Finally, insert your American Express credit card. This should actually work, but DO NOT resort to this as the first card you insert- that is too easy. 
After you have inserted your card and brought up your flight information, press the button to check your bags. Complain again to the lady that you have to pay $20 per bag. Conveniently forget to print your boarding pass after checking your bag. Ask the lady to print it for you. Get angry when she can't do it for you. Insert all your cards again, ending with the American Express, actually print boarding pass this time.

Step Three: Airport Security
After checking your bags and relieving yourself of them, walk towards the terminals. You will then be led to a winding line of impatient people waiting to be groped. Stand in line behind them, make sure to look and act majorly impatient to fit in. Walk through the line ignoring all signs telling you to remove your jacket and shoes, as well as taking your laptop out of its bag. Also forget that you have two full water bottles in your bag. When you get up to security check point number one, the man will ask you for your license and boarding pass. Proceed to fumble through your wallet, frantically searching for your ID. Get irritated that you cannot find it, remove all contents of wallet onto the man's podium. Search through the pile twice, making sure to use the words "Fuck" and "Shit" and "Goddamnit" at least twice. After remembering that you took your license out of your wallet and put it in your pocket for easier access, hand to security. 
Security will shine a flashlight on your ID and then make a few marks and then send you on your way to the scanning area. Take all bags and belongings to the line and continue ignoring signs. Begin to place your items in tubs and set them on the lines. Acknowledge the officer telling you to put your shoes directly on the belt- proceed to place them in a tub anyway. Do not remove your keys or cellphone from your pocket, also make sure to keep your jacket on. Walk over to the scanning machine.
They will direct you to take your jacket off. Throw a fit and say that you do not feel comfortable taking your jacket off. Finally give in and take it off and place it on the belt. Walk through the scanner. Get pissed when the light goes off and the officer tells you to walk through again. Remember that  you did not take your cellphone or keys out of your pocket at this moment. Run back to the end of the belt and shove people out of your way to grab another tub. Push other tubs back, knocking one on the floor and forget to apologize. Walk through the scanner again. Be pleased when it does not go off. Walk to the end of the line and wait for your items. After a few seconds of waiting, become furious and ask who took your stuff. When the lady informs you that it will take a hand search because you did not take your laptop out of the bag nor remove the water bottles, make a huge scene.
Walk with the lady over to the table and watch as she removes all your stuff from the bag. Begin to belittle her and ask what all this "shit" is about anyway. After she takes away your water bottles, yell and complain that you wanted to drink those. After she tells you it is a safety hazard and that it was stated clearly on multiple signs in line that you could not have it, throw a fit. Throw a huge fit. Proceed to tell her you think she is stupid. Wait as she goes through the rest of your stuff. Sigh loudly at random intervals and pace slightly. This lets her know of your displeasure with their unneeded gestures.
After she is finished checking your stuff, grab it and storm off- make sure to stomp your feet really hard and growl a little as you get on the escalator. You made it through security, over half the battle is done! Now to get to your terminal.

Step Four: Your Terminal and Boarding the Plane
Get to your terminal, which should be on your boarding pass. Find somewhere to sit, preferably next to someone trying to read a book or listen to their music. After taking a seat, begin to complain to them about the unruly and unnecessary procedures they take in the airports these days.  Do not, I repeat, do not let them get a word in. They may possibly express an opinion different than yours, and that is unacceptable. It's best not to let them open their mouth. It's extremely important you let them know that your opinion is the only right one.
When they begin to board the plane. Proceed to stand where your number states you should. Walk onto the plane and choose the seat with no space above it in the compartments. Shuffle other people's items in order to fit yours in. Move some people's bags to other compartments until you have enough room for your almost full-size suitcase "carry-on" that you brought. Take a seat next to the window and wait for take off. Someone will likely sit next to you. Become annoying and perhaps they will move. If it is a full flight, sorry you are stuck with them there.
After the plane has taken off, watch the person next to you, if they are looking out the window- make sure to close it so they can't. Turn on the air full blast and then point it toward the person next to you. Pretend to be asleep when they ask you to turn it off. After they reach to turn it off themselves, curse and claim they were trying to grab your vagina (even if you are a man.) Continue to be as annoying as possible. Kick the seat in front of you and then blame the person next to you. Press the Flight Attendant button on your neighbor's button panel. Complete flight with as many enemies as possible.

Exit plane after landing, make sure to stand up and unbuckle your seat belt before the plane has stopped. Also do not wait for people in front of you to get up, rush out at your earliest convenience.


With these tips, you can fly like a pro!

Stupid Facebook Statuses

We've all seen them. You know what I'm talking about, although I know you wish you didn't. After signing onto Facebook in the morning after a day of absence they are all over the page. Some posted more than once because your friend of a friend posted it, thus your friend had to post it, so it floods your feed with the same pointless crap.
Don't deny it- you fucking LOVE it. 

Some typical ones I see...

"U and I wake up in a prison and hav no memory of wut happened last night. Wat wud u say 2 me using only 4 words???"

Well first off, let me inform you that I would never wake up in prison with you. This is because that would insinuate that I spend time with you outside of Facebook. I would rather gouge my eyes out with red hot spoons dipped in salt. Honestly I don't remember where I met you or why I added you. Oh right you bullied me in high school, then added me and when I rejected you 30 times you continued to add me until I was defeated.
In all honesty I'd wake up in prison without you because you'd be at the morgue for posting stupid status updates. I'd get caught because an hour after killing you I'd post, "Good, now that bitch can't post her thoughts (or lack thereof) on Facebook."


Some possible responses to this four word status:
Hey, prostitutes never prosper.
Now you've got herpes!
I got you drunk.
I left you there.
Don't look under that.
It wasn't my problem.
Please stop this nonsense?


Some other ultra awesome posts are the ones where they claim some child from Nebraska has been swept away by a pedophile driving a blue Prius with the license plate ILUVKIDS.


"AMBER ALERT!!! Edmonton, Kentucky USA little girl, 3 yrs old picked up by man driving grey car, license plate: Quebec 72B 381. Canada. Put this as your status. It could save her. This kidnapping is recent so do it, 3 seconds will not kill you. If it were your child.... what would you want people to do. Just now happening!!!!! please... "

So here's some problems with the above AMBER ALERT!!! that you should realize before posting this status and allowing all of Facebook to mock your stupidity.
- So the guy is from Canada? In Kentucky. Sounds reasonable sort of...
Except for the fact that in Canada they don't drive cars. They ride caribou and live in igloos. Didn't world cultures teach you ANYTHING?  
- Okay so you're posting it on Facebook, good job! You could save her. 
Wouldn't you know it- now that I've seen that- I'm going to outside and stare watching for any grey cars and calling the police when I see them. Whether or not it's got a Canada license- since we all know that's not possible (see above explanation).   

I understand the idea behind this Facebook posting nonsense, and had this been a REAL kidnapping that might be beneficial IF you live in Kentucky/surrounding states. If you live in Oregon and have all Oregon friends don't fucking repost it if it says "THIS IS RECENT!" There's no goddamn way the kid is in Oregon. If you want to help this imaginary girl- go to the Amber Alert page and check it out.

http://www.ncmec.org/missingkids/servlet/AmberServlet  <--- HERE. If it actually has her on there, then repost it. If not, don't bother because it's fake or outdated.

Thank you for not spamming my Facebook.


"Describe me in 1 word! Repost and c what u get!!!!"

Are you really opening yourself up to this? Really? Being my friend on Facebook I would think you would know better by now. Honestly. Now that you've posted this I have like 50 other people posting it and nobody has any comments on it. You know why? Because it's downright stupid. Nobody even pays attention to that- it's just one more stupid thing we have to scroll past to see what we care about. Here's some "one" words that describe you!

Redundant
Unoriginal
Boring
Annoying
Follower
Narcissistic  
and soon to be Assaulted if you don't quit posting mindless updates.

--- One more thing that really annoys me about people on Facebook, is the clicking of links. You get on your page and you see that 15 of your friends have posted the same link almost 10 minutes apart each time.

Average Person's Thoughts:
Oh my god how awesome. EVERYONE is posting this video- it MUST be legit! Obama Boning a Donkey- oh man I want to see that.
click 
WHAT!? I didn't ask to repost that! I don't want to take your survey! Stop posting that over and over! HEY! 

What they SHOULD think:
Hmmm, everyone is posting this video. It looks like it's spam. Maybe I shouldn't click it and spam the friends that haven't been exposed yet. 
Yeah, I'll do that.

Stop being brain dead. Seriously people, nobody wants to read that. Every time you post a dumb status, a kitten goes into a coma. 
Think of the kittens.  

What Internet Clips Have Taught Me

So I was watching internet clips the other day as I lounged around procrastinating all the lovely shit I needed to do. I had surfed Youtube and WIMP and many other of these internet video compilation sites.

Well there's your first problem. 

So after watching a few I stumbled upon one that showed a girl videotaping people eating at a buffet. Why was she doing this? Hell if I know. Maybe she secretly has a fetish with people eating. 

You think that's weird- look up "Weird Fetishes" on Google. Use Google images for extreme pleasure.
Just kidding don't do that.

It's not my fault if you do that.

So I was watching and a few things about the video really irked the shit out of me. After I thought about it, I've seen similar shit before but it never really poked me in the eye. When I was younger my grandparents enjoyed eating at buffets so I was dragged along. I never really liked the concept of a buffet, it always seemed a bit unsanitary and slightly gross to me. 

Let me elaborate as to what I am talking about.

Haha suckers you'll never want to eat a buffet again. 

1. Man walking from aisle to aisle picking food up and then putting it back, after cleverly realizing that the food doesn't look any more appetizing AFTER it's been pulled from a metal warming cocoon. 

Okay seriously dude. That is fucking disgusting. Nobody wants to eat that food after your nasty little sausages have danced all over it. It's bad enough that the server bringing out the french fries dropped the tray on the way out and then stuffed the fries back into the tray. 
Did I say that outloud? 
The fact that you're trying to be sneaky about it by cleverly tilting your plate and letting it accidentally fall into the McDonald's style "Fresh Keeper Deluxe" warming tray makes it even more despicable.
Hey while you're at it, why don't you lick all the silverware and wipe your nose in the napkins and put them back? After that you can draw smiley faces with your greasy fingers on every single plate in the clean pile. BRILLIANT.  

2. Lady over filling her cup with ice and pouring it into the metal grate. Deciding that she doesn't have enough ice now and then refilling her cup again, only to dump it back into the grate. Repeat four times.

So I realize that having the correct ratio of ice to Coke is something that if done incorrectly, could possibly throw Neptune off balance and ruin your wedding. Did you every realize that this is a buffet? Do you realize what that means? You can have as much damn Coke as you want. You could pay your $12.50 and drink 5,000 calories of Coke if it made you fucking happy. They don't care!
This being said, WHO CARES ABOUT HOW MUCH ICE IS IN YOUR CUP?
It's not like you're being ripped off because you put too much ice and it filled the precious cup space that the Coke is supposed to be in. You can come back and get more Coke.
I promise. No- really.

No lady. move- there's a line.

3. Man fills his plate to the point where he almost has to rent a forklift to get it to his table. 

So this one was really something that bugged the complete shit out of me. It's like the guy went to every single hot pocket of food on each aisle and got something for his plate. His plate was so full, there were glory seekers attempting to climb it by the time he was sitting at his table. The guy sets it down and the table sags three inches lower. Not only that, but after stuffing his plate to capacity, he eats maybe 1/3 of it and then gets up to get another plate of food. 
Note that this is stupid because he's already tried everything in the buffet. 
Let me give you some advice: next time you feel like filling your plate with enough food to feed a small orphanage, stop and imagine this scenario...
As you sit at your table six starving African children are staring at your plate wanting you to share. That's more food than they have probably seen in their six years of life that they are lucky (or cursed, depending on your perspective) to have lived due to Malaria and AIDS. As you stuff your sorry face with food you aren't enjoying they are starving to death. How does that make you feel?
Hopefully really bad, cause if you are enjoying little children starving you are a fucking sick twisted freak. 

Best part of it all, After he stuffs his face with the equivalence of six plates of food spread over about 13 plates of food partially eaten, he unbuttons his pants to relax his over stuffed gut. 

I hope you get attacked in an alley and eaten by rabid cats. 
 Fucking food waster, I understand it's all you can eat- that doesn't translate to "All You Can Waste!"in ANY language.
Bitches. 

4. People eating so loudly that the employees over at Petco keep checking to make sure there aren't dogs loose and devouring the kitty litter.   

Like I even really need to explain this one. But seriously the people who make those fucking obnoxious smacking noises while they eat make me crazy. Smacking is completely unnecessary and if you continue to make those  obscene noises I might just have to dump a cup of ice down your blouse.  
You think I'm kidding?
Keep smacking like a cow. I dare you.




I am not really a fan of eating out to begin with. I tend to feel uncomfortable, that and being nearly vegan (now) there isn't much out there for me. But enough about me, next time you go out eating you should people watch. It's fun, in a cynical "I hate people" sort of way. 

nomnomnomnomnom. 

Unconventional Jobs for the Unemployed

So as well all know, our economy here in the United States is very well...it sucks. So a lot of people are unemployed. I know it's extremely hard to find a job, no matter where you live, so I decided I would help all you unemployed people come up with some unique job ideas! 

Why is this good? Because I'm awesome and you should listen to anything I tell you.

Why is this bad? Because I'm awesome and you should listen to anything I tell you.

Anywho, I came up with a fantastic list of jobs! It'll something that nobody else will take from you! It will be like that cuddly fuzzy gerbil from your childhood that you would play dress up with, hold close, and nap with...and then you rolled over on it during a nightmarish fit and crushed it. Bad example. My apologies. 

Holy hell, here have a tissue, baby. 

Continuing on. So I have this awesome list of jobs that you should look into. They could help put bread on your table! Or limbs, depending on your choice of job...ANYWAY! Onward with the list! 

Unconventional Job #1:

Become a Serial Killer 

 The job doesn't pay all that well, but you can feel all the glory of playing God. Which for some, is better than money! If you think about it, you can steal the money out of people's wallets after they're dead. Right? They won't need it, because they're dead! 

Pros:

• You set your own hours!
• You are your own boss!
• No cubicle!
• Strength increase in your upper arms from repeated stabbings!
• You get to be on TV!

Cons:

• You kill people.
• You kill people.
• You kill people.
• No health benefits.

 Where to find clientele:  Super markets, playgrounds, dark alleys, bars, your possibilities are endless!

If in fact you have moral obligation to stealing from people you kill in order to make ends meet, consider becoming an ASSASSIN! This way you can still continue what you do best, but get paid for your honest contribution to society. As well as helping some poor sap get out of a bind! You'd be helping people.

-----> -------> 

Unconventional Job #2:

Steal Puppies  

At first this job doesn't make much sense. But if you look deeper into it, it's absolute genius. Have you ever noticed that people will put up signs that say,

[Paraphrased]

I'm a dumbass and left the back gate open and spot, our four month old Dalmatian puppy escaped. 

My wife is threatening to put my balls in a meat grinder if I don't find him.

Please help my balls.

I'm deeming my balls worth a $150 reward if found, please call ###-####. 

 Thank you.

[End Paraphrase]
 

 If you didn't notice the dollar sign in there, it's right before the 150. That money could be YOURS! If you found Spot. But who has time to do that?  Instead, here's what I propose you do...

Find yourself a rich neighborhood.

Oh but those don't exist, they are a fantasy created by terrorist to make it LOOK like people are divided into social classes. That doesn't really exist. In America, all people are equal. Some people just like nicer houses than other people.

    Yeah that's right- some people LIKE living in cardboard boxes. It's like a fad or something.

         And eating out of garbage cans- that's totally a fad too. It'll pass.

 Like I said, find yourself a rich neighborhood and keep an eye out for a rich old lady with her six Pomeranian puppies prancing about her three acre yard. 

Wait for the old woman to have to go to the bathroom (you won't have too wait long, they do this A LOT) and then snatch three of her puppies and book it. 

Helpful Tip #1:

It is beneficial to your operation to have a getaway car. Most people would not agree to stealing puppies, but they aren't the ones starving now are they? You don't have to tell them what you're doing. Claim you're with Meals on Wheels and you need to go to old women's houses that have pure bred dogs. It'll work.

IT WILL.

 After you've reached your getaway car, proceed to throw the puppies in the back of the rapist van* and get in the car screaming, "GO GO GO!!!!!"

*Note, it will not work if you do not have a rapist van, and do not proceed to scream, "GO GO GO!" in a Dukes of Hazard fashion. 

No I'm not promoting rape, JUST because you own a rapist van doesn't mean you're a rapist.

    I know PLENTY of people who own rapist vans who aren't creepers.

    Okay, name three.

              ....No, I don't feel like it.

Wait for about three to four days and then you will see online postings or even TV commercials depending on how rich your old woman is, about her missing puppies. Likely there will be no reward posted the first few days. This is when patience comes in. Wait for about a week or two and soon there will be a nice juicy reward. This is when you pack your pups up and take them back to the old woman's house. 

Tell her you saved them from some asshole in a rapist van.

Make sure to park your van around the corner. 

She'll gladly fork over your earned reward from saving her puppies from a most unfortunate fate. BING! Easy earnings.

Pros:

• Get to have adorable puppies (or perhaps ugly depending on breed...) in your home while waiting for promised reward.
• Get to enjoy teaching them bad habits such as peeing on the carpet (take them to visit a friend), chewing shoes (use your girlfriend's), or jumping on the table and eating people food.
• Overall great job for dog lovers!

Cons: 

• Possible hospitalizations for dog bites.
• You can't steal the same dog twice. 
• Dog hair in your apartment/house.
• Rabies?

---> ------>

Unconventional Job #3: 

Nerd Escort 

This job is great, because it involves little work at all, and you get to enjoy great* company!

*No Money Back Guarantee. 

Post an ad in the newspaper or advertise around the college towns. You are officially a Nerd Escort. What exactly does a Nerd Escort do?

WHOA WHOA. Don't Escorts like...have SEX with people!? YOU SICK FREAK. 

Hey that's just IMPLIED. You don't have to have sex with anybody! They might be disappointed, but they still have to pay you. Ha. Anyway, you don't have to worry about it because nerds don't know what sex is! 

Sex Ed does not count. Putting a condom on a banana doesn't count. They probably thought it was some strange sick joke when the teacher told them to put the condom on the banana. They felt it was useless and improbable, because while masturbating, it never got that big.

Obviously, women have sex with bananas, why else would he be having us put condoms on bananas?

     Stupid sex education teacher, why the hell would we need to know how to put a condom on a banana? The girl can just do it. 

           Fine I'll do it. But only because you're threatening my academic career.

[Tetris Theme Music]

OW GOD IT FLEW INTO MY EYE!

See you have nothing to worry about. There will be no sex involved. Promise. 

What you will have to do, is learn to play the following games:

• Dungeons and Dragons
• Magic the Gathering

 If you would rather stab yourself in the liver 17 times than learn to play these games, that is okay. Some people just can't handle it. Nobody would blame you. 

Although if you think you can handle it, go for it. Pretty much you're going to be the pretty girl/guy that sits around the table and is eye-candy while everyone plays their game

Sorry if you're ugly. This won't work for you.

--->------->  

Unconventional Job #4:

Organic Bug Killer 

All those people with bug problems that are afraid of chemicals will be calling you up. You just have to be prepared for the awesome that is bug killing!

What you will need:

• Number for people to reach you, and a phone.
• Three paper sacks.
• Toothpicks.
• Awesome sunglasses (to look professional).

When you are called to duty. You must arrive looking professional. If you don't have a vehicle with your organic bug killer logo on it, make sure to write the name of your company in sharpie on some toilet paper, and then tape it to your car. This look would be great since you're organic, because toilet paper degrades! 


Get out of your car, and professionally ask, in an Arnold-ish voice, "WHERE ARE DA BUGS?" 


Proceed to bugs. 


When the person asks how you kill mass numbers of bugs without chemicals, bring out your big guns. 


Toothpicks.

Begin to stab at the bugs until they go away.

No it's not efficient. But chemicals kill people. When she complains about how inefficient it is, ask her if she wants her newborn to have three arms. That'll shut her up.  

Place bugs in the paper sacks. 

She will probably fight about paying you, and won't call you back, but that's okay right?

If all else fails you can just release the bugs in her bathroom and close the door before you leave. :)

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Hopefully some people find this list of jobs helpful, even though it isn't that long. Quality over quantity right?

....right?

Fine, shut up. If you don't like my advice you can go create an Etsy account. If you want to save your dignity, you can try one of the above options. YOUR CHOICE.