Everyone fucking loves me.
I haven't always been this great at making friends, but now that it's come to my attention that so many people struggle with it I decided to write a blog to help you out. You know, just let you know how professional friend-makers do it and shit. These are trade secrets so I should expect you share this with your new found friends so they can make more friends. You don't want people to think you're a jerk by keeping all these golden nuggets to yourself, do you? I didn't think so.
When meeting someone new, the first thing you should do if you want to be their friend is assert your dominance. You don't want them thinking they are better than you, or even that they're equal to you- that's just building the relationship on a lie. Make sure to compliment what they're wearing, or their hair, or weight (Oh that one's fucking gold. You can't go wrong if you use their weight.) but make sure to use a condescending tone.
Extra points if you can compliment in a sweet tone, but make it demeaning at the same time.
See example: "I see you've lost a bunch of weight! It's great to see you've come to terms with your insecurity and decided to do something about it. A few more pounds and you'll look decent!"
That's how you truly get off to a great start. Periodically use comments like this throughout your entire friendship for a meaningful, long-lasting relationship.
Now that you've reeled your new best friend in- it's time to prove just how much they mean to you. Spend some quality time planning stuff to do with them. Make sure to alternate things that they want to do with things you want to do. Even if they're stupid ideas, which they probably are. Feel free to tell them how dumb their ideas are and how much you don't want to do them- you don't want to deceive them and make them think they have cool interests. Remember that part about building a relationship on a lie? Yeah.
After making plans to do stuff a few weeks in advance, you should wait until 30 minutes before going out and call your new best friend to cancel your plans. People LOVE when you do that, it's a real eye-opener as to how much you care about them and their time. It's even better if you just don't show up without calling. This is great because you're sending them to that bar to meet you and when you don't show they have opportunities to meet other people. That way you're not being selfish and keeping them tied down.
Don't be that fucking asshole that makes them always hang out with you and nobody else. That's just rude.
Make sure to have a really great excuse like, "I'm tired." or my personal favourite, "My boyfriend asked me to go out with him and I agreed so I won't be coming out with you."
It's even BETTER if you live with your boyfriend and always see him.
By this point there's no way your new best friend and you aren't joined at the hip. You are what best friend is made of.
By now I'm sure you've already addressed this, but it's great to talk about anyway- how to deal with your different views on controversial issues.
You know I cannot express how important this is when dealing with your friends. If you do it wrong, you'll lose all your hard work! Everyone knows having 1000 friends on Facebook is the most important aspect in social media. Networking, networking, networking.
First off, whenever a controversial subject comes up, demand to talk about it. If your friend tells you that they are uncomfortable talking about it, or just want to leave that subject alone, make sure to push anyway. You're helping them by making them learn to deal with sensitive subjects. There are two ways this scenario will go when your friends open up with you and discuss their views:
They agree with you: Great! You're done!
They disagree with you: Make them fucking see it your way.
There is no possible way in hell you can be friends with someone that thinks that abortion is okay, or that gay marriage should be legalized! Fuck that shit- you can't just let them walk around thinking those incorrect thoughts. None of your friends can have different views than you.
Let me just say how many times I was relieved to be told that I was wrong. Because there is only one way to see things, and only ONE right way to believe. It was such a great feeling to know that my friends loved me enough to force their correct beliefs on me instead of letting me walk around ignorant. Dodged that bullet.
Friends don't let friends get ass raped by ignorance.
Continue to force your ideas on them until they agree with you. Look up 500 biased sources and shove them in your friend's face and post them on their Facebook wall. If it's something serious like gay marriage, make sure to let them know that if that was legalized anyone could get married. Make sure they knew their mother could get married to her toaster and make illegitimate toast babies. Just tell them anything and everything to make them realize how wrong they are.
It doesn't fucking matter if you're lying!
Romney does it all the time.
Whoa shit did I say that.
Sorry. No not really. But that's okay, because I'm too lazy to force you to see it my way- because I'm a bad friend.
CONTRADICTORY BITCH.
Haters gonna hate.
Using these techniques you'll make so many friends you won't know what to do with them.
