So today in math class I realized something.
Every single story problem in my math book is stupid.
No wonder kids are failing math. Seriously.
#34. Little Billy is standing in a forest. There's a tree next to him. Billy's shadow is 3 feet long. Billy is 4 feet tall. The Tree's shadow is 13 feet long. The Tree is how many feet tall?
Alright, so first off. Why the hell is Little Billy in the forest? By himself nonetheless. I'm going to call Child Services on Billy's mother. She's doing a terrible job. Does she even know what lives in the forest? Bears, and mushrooms, and weasels, and clowns. Rabid clowns that devour children's souls. Billy is in grave danger. What if the tree decided that it wanted nobody to be around to hear it fall so it fell on Billy, killing him instantly. Or perhaps not so instantly, and Billy lay there for hours in agonizing pain wishing he had not been so curious as to how tall that tree really was.
Alright, so perhaps that wasn't such a good reason why the problem is stupid. Okay, yeah. Really- it's a fantastic reason. Nobody gives a damn about Little Billy and a tree. It's boring and pointless. Nobody walks into a forest randomly and stands next to a tree and wants to know how tall that tree is.
Another thing- how does Billy know how long the tree's shadow is? HM? If he's so good at telling how long shadows are, why can't he just tell how tall the damn tree is?
Now if the problem was written like this it would be more captivating:
#34. Little Billy had nearly escaped his drunken hillbilly mother in an attempt to gain his freedom. As he ran from the trailer park at a speed of 3 feet per second, his drunken mother chased after him in a rage. Her speed was 5 feet per second due to slightly longer legs. There was a random pine tree ahead and Billy decided he was going to have to climb it in order to escape his toothless mother. Billy calculated the tree's shadow by counting the seconds he ran as he went across the shadow. He ran for 6 seconds. Therefore the the tree's shadow was 18 feet long. As Billy attempted to calculate the height of the tree his mother caught him and clobbered him to death. Calculate the number of years Billy's mom will be in the prison system.
See? Isn't that way more fun? As much as I love trees, I don't fucking care how tall they are.
Another thing I never understood:
Teachers and even professors do this. When they are about to talk about a useless subject nobody cares about, they always try to draw the class in:
"Well I bet you've all wondered as you stare at your drinking glass, how much work it'd take to pump all the water out of it."
Actually, no, no I don't. I look at that glass and go, "Damn that looks refreshing." and I drink it. I don't ask myself about how much work it'd take to pump my orange juice onto the table. Why would anybody in their right mind do that? Nobody does that Peterson. Nobody.
"How many times have you been enjoying your lunch when you think to yourself, I wonder what chemicals make up this soda pop!?"
None, never have I thought that. Sometimes I think "I'm slowly killing myself by drinking this...oh well." or I don't even think at all because the reason I'm drinking it is because it's so late but I have a midterm tomorrow and I have to study and this can is chock full of caffeine. But no, Walker, I don't care what chemicals make up my soda pop, all I care about is how to get it from the can, into mah belleh.
Never will I understand how they expect people to become direly interested when they provide the most ridiculous scenarios for people to relate to.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
When Work Clothes Aren't Enough-
So today at work was pretty fun, ya know, the usual. I went into work like normal people do. I went into the back room and I put on my apron, my headset, my RF gun, and my name tag.
It was time to go onto the floor.
I clocked into the system and I put on my best smile (which isn't very good, who the fuck can do this? Smiling all day at work. I'm not Barbie- my face isn't made of plastic. I swear I crave the moments when the customers aren't looking and I can just look at my feet and frown like this -> >:((((((!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, I even frown exclamation points, thanks for asking.)
Oh, speaking of customers. I swear sometimes...just yeah. Don't get me wrong- they pay my wages. That's important and all, but seriously sometimes I wonder if they even have a brain. Some experiences help me to continue believing that..
Experience One:
I'm standing near a drive aisle, stocking items into a bin. Tins, I think. A lady walks by me and I say, "Hello! How are you today? Can I help you find anything?"
I receive the reply, "I'm sorry do you work here?"
I stare for a second, a thought crosses my mind. I'm wearing an apron, an earpiece headset, a black collared shirt, khaki pants (Okay seriously, who the HELL wears khaki pants if they don't have to? You don't see people looking around the clothing store going, "Hey can you please tell me where the khaki pants are? I'm going to this really happening party and I want all the girls to see me in something cool." NO.) Hell I was wearing a name tag too.
I thought about it for a second, and without really thinking about it (haha that doesn't make sense.) I said, "No, I just like to dress like an employee and work around the store to mess with customers. It really gets me off."
Okay, so I was really lucky she had a sense of humor, cause I'm pretty sure I could have been fired for that remark.
Experience Two:
I was working as a cashier at that time, and a woman I dread seeing came in. Every time she comes in she ends up asking me for help (WHY GOD WHYYY?). Well she comes up to the register and she has her two items in hand. She sets them on the counter along with two coupons. Seems pretty normal right? Well here's the problem, I can't take two of the same coupons from the same person in the same day. That's policy- and it states that RIGHT ON THE COUPON IN BOLD LETTERS.
KORI CANNOT TAKE TWO OF THESE IN ONE DAY FROM THE SAME PERSON. YES MARGIE THAT MEANS YOU.
Still, she proceeds to push the coupons at me. This is not the first time I've told her that I cannot take the coupons. She's come in multitudes of times and done this. I don't know why she doesn't learn.
Oh she is pissed.
"Well last time I came in the lady let me use both!" she explains.
"Well, they must not know our policy very well, because I am not allowed to take both of these." I explain politely.
"WHY NOT?" she bellows like a hippo. She actually doesn't look too different from a hippo, now that I think about it. She can't even button the button on her jean shorts...or zip them up. Anyway-
"It's policy, mam, it states clearly on the coupon as well that you can only use one type of coupon per day."
"WELL THEY LET ME DO IT LAST TIME!"
"Mam, I am incredibly sorry, but I just can't do it, it will cause problems and I will get written up."
"You should get written up for not taking my coupon!"
"Why don't you bring it in tomorrow and get your other item? Or save it for a more pricey item perhaps? It could save you more money that way!"
"BUT I WANT TO USE IT NOW! I DEMAND TO SPEAK TO A MANAGER!"
"Alright, let me call one."
All this fuss- over a 3 dollar purchase. Yeah, the manager let her do it, she saved 30 cents.
Experience Three:
A guy and his girlfriend came in. They stopped me and asked me a peculiar question I'd never been asked, "Hey where is the stuff to make a beer pong table?" The only reason I even knew what that was, was because my old roommate liked to play beer pong.
I stared at them for a moment.
Um, what? I had to think a moment. What did you need to make a beer pong table?
"Well, we don't sell ping pong tables...." I slowly say, "We have tape though, and neon paint. Would that work?"
"Well, I need the table too. How can you have beer pong with no table?"
Hell I don't know dude, if you expected to find a beer pong table for sale at an art store, you're shit out of luck. Why didn't you try somewhere else? Like maybe the internet. The internet is great for weirdos wanting to buy shit from other weirdos. Craigslist even has listings for people selling virginity. Good ole' virginity.
His girlfriend piped up and asked me where the paint was. I took them to the paint. I showed them the neon colours that we carried.
"We need something that would glow under black light." the girl said.
Last time I checked, neon/fluorescent paints glow under black light. Unless for some reason the paint companies decided to be funny and lie on the packages that say, "GLOWS UNDER BLACK LIGHT!" Ha those bitches, they'll never know until it's too late! HA HA HA! WE'LL MAKE MILLIONS!
I politely explain that the neon and florescent paints will glow under a black light. But I also warned them that they should coat the paint on the table with a sealant. Now comes the question: Why?
Well unless you have these magical glasses that stop the flow of liquid onto a table after a ping pong ball is thrown at nearly mach speed because Garret doesn't realize you don't have to throw it like a moron, you're going to get your paint wet. Paint tends to run if you do not seal it properly. I mean you'd think its common sense, if you're bad at throwing balls into a cup, which obviously Garret is, you're going to miss, or throw it too hard and splash the table.
This means Garrett would have to take a shot, slowly this cycle would cause drunkenness. Drunk = Even Worse At Throwing A Ping Pong Ball Into A Tiny Cup. So you'd end up with even more splashes on your table. Perhaps even spilled beer. OH GOD NOT SPILLED BEER. ANYTHING BUT THAT. HURRY- LICK IT OFF THE TABLE!!!
Then people would lick the paint off the table.
Do you get where I'm going with this? Probably not, if you're this guy and his girlfriend.
They ended up leaving without buying anything, because we didn't sell ping pong tables.
DAMN.
It was time to go onto the floor.
I clocked into the system and I put on my best smile (which isn't very good, who the fuck can do this? Smiling all day at work. I'm not Barbie- my face isn't made of plastic. I swear I crave the moments when the customers aren't looking and I can just look at my feet and frown like this -> >:((((((!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, I even frown exclamation points, thanks for asking.)
Oh, speaking of customers. I swear sometimes...just yeah. Don't get me wrong- they pay my wages. That's important and all, but seriously sometimes I wonder if they even have a brain. Some experiences help me to continue believing that..
Experience One:
I'm standing near a drive aisle, stocking items into a bin. Tins, I think. A lady walks by me and I say, "Hello! How are you today? Can I help you find anything?"
I receive the reply, "I'm sorry do you work here?"
I stare for a second, a thought crosses my mind. I'm wearing an apron, an earpiece headset, a black collared shirt, khaki pants (Okay seriously, who the HELL wears khaki pants if they don't have to? You don't see people looking around the clothing store going, "Hey can you please tell me where the khaki pants are? I'm going to this really happening party and I want all the girls to see me in something cool." NO.) Hell I was wearing a name tag too.
I thought about it for a second, and without really thinking about it (haha that doesn't make sense.) I said, "No, I just like to dress like an employee and work around the store to mess with customers. It really gets me off."
Okay, so I was really lucky she had a sense of humor, cause I'm pretty sure I could have been fired for that remark.
Experience Two:
I was working as a cashier at that time, and a woman I dread seeing came in. Every time she comes in she ends up asking me for help (WHY GOD WHYYY?). Well she comes up to the register and she has her two items in hand. She sets them on the counter along with two coupons. Seems pretty normal right? Well here's the problem, I can't take two of the same coupons from the same person in the same day. That's policy- and it states that RIGHT ON THE COUPON IN BOLD LETTERS.
KORI CANNOT TAKE TWO OF THESE IN ONE DAY FROM THE SAME PERSON. YES MARGIE THAT MEANS YOU.
Still, she proceeds to push the coupons at me. This is not the first time I've told her that I cannot take the coupons. She's come in multitudes of times and done this. I don't know why she doesn't learn.
Oh she is pissed.
"Well last time I came in the lady let me use both!" she explains.
"Well, they must not know our policy very well, because I am not allowed to take both of these." I explain politely.
"WHY NOT?" she bellows like a hippo. She actually doesn't look too different from a hippo, now that I think about it. She can't even button the button on her jean shorts...or zip them up. Anyway-
"It's policy, mam, it states clearly on the coupon as well that you can only use one type of coupon per day."
"WELL THEY LET ME DO IT LAST TIME!"
"Mam, I am incredibly sorry, but I just can't do it, it will cause problems and I will get written up."
"You should get written up for not taking my coupon!"
"Why don't you bring it in tomorrow and get your other item? Or save it for a more pricey item perhaps? It could save you more money that way!"
"BUT I WANT TO USE IT NOW! I DEMAND TO SPEAK TO A MANAGER!"
"Alright, let me call one."
All this fuss- over a 3 dollar purchase. Yeah, the manager let her do it, she saved 30 cents.
Experience Three:
A guy and his girlfriend came in. They stopped me and asked me a peculiar question I'd never been asked, "Hey where is the stuff to make a beer pong table?" The only reason I even knew what that was, was because my old roommate liked to play beer pong.
I stared at them for a moment.
Um, what? I had to think a moment. What did you need to make a beer pong table?
"Well, we don't sell ping pong tables...." I slowly say, "We have tape though, and neon paint. Would that work?"
"Well, I need the table too. How can you have beer pong with no table?"
Hell I don't know dude, if you expected to find a beer pong table for sale at an art store, you're shit out of luck. Why didn't you try somewhere else? Like maybe the internet. The internet is great for weirdos wanting to buy shit from other weirdos. Craigslist even has listings for people selling virginity. Good ole' virginity.
His girlfriend piped up and asked me where the paint was. I took them to the paint. I showed them the neon colours that we carried.
"We need something that would glow under black light." the girl said.
Last time I checked, neon/fluorescent paints glow under black light. Unless for some reason the paint companies decided to be funny and lie on the packages that say, "GLOWS UNDER BLACK LIGHT!" Ha those bitches, they'll never know until it's too late! HA HA HA! WE'LL MAKE MILLIONS!
I politely explain that the neon and florescent paints will glow under a black light. But I also warned them that they should coat the paint on the table with a sealant. Now comes the question: Why?
Well unless you have these magical glasses that stop the flow of liquid onto a table after a ping pong ball is thrown at nearly mach speed because Garret doesn't realize you don't have to throw it like a moron, you're going to get your paint wet. Paint tends to run if you do not seal it properly. I mean you'd think its common sense, if you're bad at throwing balls into a cup, which obviously Garret is, you're going to miss, or throw it too hard and splash the table.
This means Garrett would have to take a shot, slowly this cycle would cause drunkenness. Drunk = Even Worse At Throwing A Ping Pong Ball Into A Tiny Cup. So you'd end up with even more splashes on your table. Perhaps even spilled beer. OH GOD NOT SPILLED BEER. ANYTHING BUT THAT. HURRY- LICK IT OFF THE TABLE!!!
Then people would lick the paint off the table.
Do you get where I'm going with this? Probably not, if you're this guy and his girlfriend.
They ended up leaving without buying anything, because we didn't sell ping pong tables.
DAMN.
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