Because he took away my phone when I drank, at least while he was here, that is. Now when I go to a party and play beer pong and drink beer, I have my phone on me. Oh yes, yes I do.
And I apparently am not afraid to fucking use it.
The first text I'd like to apologize for really isn't that bad, it was just to someone I'd told myself I'd leave alone, apparently drunk me doesn't think that's necessary:
"Ball in the cup!! Ball in the cup!! O'Hara and Kori win! Weehehehehe :0"
Okay, not so bad- still apologizing since I am an idiot. Hmhmhmmm.
Moving on.
The next victim...I mean friend, I texted- got a lot more than I think he bargained for when he texted me going, "Hey what's up?"
Me: Beer pong.
Him: Alcoholic ;) lol
Me: You fucking know it...but not really.
Him: How drunk are you?
Me: Not very, why?
Oh if you wanted to play 20 questions I'm still down with that. What's your favourite shape of potato?
Him: Well I prefer the more round and symmetrical ones cause they are easier to cut and peel. Where did that come from?
Me: I think you meant to ask, "What's your favourite shape of potato?" and the answer is: Blue.
Him: ....cause that cleared a lot up.
Me: It cleared everything up. You just weren't listening!
Him: ohhhhhyeah....no. So what's your favorite type of hat for a llama to wear?
Me: Obviously a fedora.
Him: Makes sense.
Me: Well yeah. I mean how else are they supposed to paddle across the Atlantic without a fedora to guide them?
Him: Exactly! I knew someone else had to get it.
Me: Yeah, and slinkies, fuck slinkies. They just want to have sex with you while you aren't looking.
Him: Well that was less of a question and more of an anti-slinky campaign slogan but okay, haha.
Me: Are you saying you support slinkie rape? Slinky rape is STILL rape, you know.
Him: Not support, per se, Fim and profit from it, maybe.
Me: You're sick. You're like the pigeons that wait for people to sit on benches and then poop right beside them, and then as the person freaks out and is too preoccupied with the potential for getting shit on, the bird swoops down and steals their baby.
Him: And I don't even give them a reach around with that fucking.
Note how I spelled "Slinky" different multiple times. The main issue I see with all this drunk texting-
It's not much different from my normal train of thought.
Damnit.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Friday, April 20, 2012
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Oh look, tourists!
I feel like for how much I drank, I drew a really good cactus. You have no idea how slowly I'm typing right now. Yessss
Thursday, April 5, 2012
An Awkward First Date
Assuming each of my beautiful readers has been on a date, or at least had a dream of a date, or maybe looked up the word Date (not including rape) in the dictionary, you'll all know what I'm talking about when I talk about awkward first dates.
I had one of those once. Okay maybe twice, three times? Okay four times- you got me. You'd think after having a couple dates that end up being awkward you'd just give up. Not me though. I'm a fighter. A total rebel, I don't even shave my legs.
There are multiple kinds of awkward dates out there, and I've experienced quite a variety. It all depends on the guy you go out with and what you plan to do on said date. Some dates turn out nice, others...turn out...well, not so nice. If you think about it though, the shitty dates are always the ones worth talking about...
Always.
Nobody wants to hear about that time you went on a date with this really sweet guy that held open every door for you and let you pick the appetizer. No, nobody wants to fucking hear that.
Really, people want to hear about the bad dates.
Like that time you went on a date and the guy got so drunk he threw up down your shirt.
Haha, he threw UP down your shirt! Ehhh, ehhhhh? Fine okay.
This is the guy that has been on a date with Kori:
Here is their story...
[doink doink]
Bad Date Type: The Agenda
This date started out rather normal, seeing as though we met in one of my classes, I don't remember which one because he's been in multiple classes of mine seeing as though he's majoring in Fisheries and Wildlife. He asked me if I wanted to go to out to dinner, I hadn't been on a date in a while so I decided I'd go. Just a casual date though, nothing too fancy.
So let's go do this shit.
We sit down to eat and I'm looking at the menu as he goes,
"So what do you like to do?"
Of course we know that if I was truthful and said, Well I like going into Asian restaurants and pushing over the fish tanks, tripping old ladies when they're crossing the street, kicking puppies, and picking up prostitutes and dropping them off in the desert, he probably would have walked out.
So I lied and said something so ridiculous I'm surprised he bought it:
I like reading.
He seemed satisfied with that answer as he continued his interrogation:
"So do you get out often?"
I guess it really depends on what you mean by "out," seeing as though there are lots of definitions and insinuations of the word "out" I shall pick a few and explain my position.
If you mean "Out" as in, "Do you go on dates often?" then the answer is no. Although if your definition of date is loose enough to include "Do you sit at home and cry while eating Ben and Jerry's in front of your laptop watching Spongebob and wishing you had a life." then yes I get out quite often.
If you mean "Out" as in "Do you go outside and sit in the sunshine enjoying yourself?" then the answer is also no, seeing as though we live in Oregon and the sun doesn't exist here. You need to look up the fucking weather channel, why do you think everyone in Oregon suffers from S.A.D? Pfft.
If by "Out" you mean sleeping by myself in a cold bed, lonely and alone. By myself wondering why I'm so lone....oh...
Yeah, I get around.
Wait wait wait...
That's not what I meant.
No, really it's not.
Who am I kidding..I'm a whore.
I had looked over the menu at this point an decided that I was going to eat a salad, since everything on the menu had carcass in it. He asked me what I was going to get and when I said a salad he goes,
"Really? You don't have to get a salad, I'm not going to judge you. I like girls that eat."
Hey if you wanted to see me eat maybe we should have gone to a restaurant that didn't specialize in dead animals. Not like you asked though.
That's when I broke the news to him,
"I don't eat animals, so I'll just get a salad."
His face was like I just said, "I hate America, believe that guns should be outlawed, and have had 16 abortions."
Little did he know I've actually had 18.
"You don't eat meat? Like, you're a vegetarian?"
This is when I should have said, "Oh I eat meat, just human meat. Babies are my favourite...so tender."
We stared at each other in silence for a while after I'd replied, "Yes." to his vegetarian question. He looked down the menu and decided to pursue a new route to things. Apparently his agenda was not towards the animal rights side of things. It was unacceptable that I didn't eat animals, and he was going to make it known.
"So do you think that just because you don't eat animals you're going to save the world? Even if you don't eat animals other people are still going to so you might as well because you aren't changing anything."
Hey you know, you are using an awful lot of oxygen spewing your bullshit.
I replied kindly, "That's alright, I figure it takes one person at a time to change the world. Even if my eating meat doesn't stop other people, they might come around on their own. It's your choice if you want to eat meat, just like it's my choice if I don't want to."
His eyes narrowed as he looked at me, I could tell he was thinking (or something slightly resembling thinking).
What I imagine was going on in his head:
[red lights flashing] Oh god dude, she's an independent thinker. She thinks for herself.
Oh fuck she might actually be smart, I don't like girls that are smarter than I am. Oh God, what do I do? Should I listen? No- no, tell her to get back in the kitchen.
Oh fuck I'm at a restaurant and that won't work. ABANDON SHIP.
We didn't go on another date.
I had one of those once. Okay maybe twice, three times? Okay four times- you got me. You'd think after having a couple dates that end up being awkward you'd just give up. Not me though. I'm a fighter. A total rebel, I don't even shave my legs.
There are multiple kinds of awkward dates out there, and I've experienced quite a variety. It all depends on the guy you go out with and what you plan to do on said date. Some dates turn out nice, others...turn out...well, not so nice. If you think about it though, the shitty dates are always the ones worth talking about...
Always.
Nobody wants to hear about that time you went on a date with this really sweet guy that held open every door for you and let you pick the appetizer. No, nobody wants to fucking hear that.
Really, people want to hear about the bad dates.
Like that time you went on a date and the guy got so drunk he threw up down your shirt.
Haha, he threw UP down your shirt! Ehhh, ehhhhh? Fine okay.
This is the guy that has been on a date with Kori:
Here is their story...
[doink doink]
Bad Date Type: The Agenda
This date started out rather normal, seeing as though we met in one of my classes, I don't remember which one because he's been in multiple classes of mine seeing as though he's majoring in Fisheries and Wildlife. He asked me if I wanted to go to out to dinner, I hadn't been on a date in a while so I decided I'd go. Just a casual date though, nothing too fancy.
So let's go do this shit.
We sit down to eat and I'm looking at the menu as he goes,
"So what do you like to do?"
Of course we know that if I was truthful and said, Well I like going into Asian restaurants and pushing over the fish tanks, tripping old ladies when they're crossing the street, kicking puppies, and picking up prostitutes and dropping them off in the desert, he probably would have walked out.
So I lied and said something so ridiculous I'm surprised he bought it:
I like reading.
He seemed satisfied with that answer as he continued his interrogation:
"So do you get out often?"
I guess it really depends on what you mean by "out," seeing as though there are lots of definitions and insinuations of the word "out" I shall pick a few and explain my position.
If you mean "Out" as in, "Do you go on dates often?" then the answer is no. Although if your definition of date is loose enough to include "Do you sit at home and cry while eating Ben and Jerry's in front of your laptop watching Spongebob and wishing you had a life." then yes I get out quite often.
If you mean "Out" as in "Do you go outside and sit in the sunshine enjoying yourself?" then the answer is also no, seeing as though we live in Oregon and the sun doesn't exist here. You need to look up the fucking weather channel, why do you think everyone in Oregon suffers from S.A.D? Pfft.
If by "Out" you mean sleeping by myself in a cold bed, lonely and alone. By myself wondering why I'm so lone....oh...
Yeah, I get around.
Wait wait wait...
That's not what I meant.
No, really it's not.
Who am I kidding..I'm a whore.
I had looked over the menu at this point an decided that I was going to eat a salad, since everything on the menu had carcass in it. He asked me what I was going to get and when I said a salad he goes,
"Really? You don't have to get a salad, I'm not going to judge you. I like girls that eat."
Hey if you wanted to see me eat maybe we should have gone to a restaurant that didn't specialize in dead animals. Not like you asked though.
That's when I broke the news to him,
"I don't eat animals, so I'll just get a salad."
His face was like I just said, "I hate America, believe that guns should be outlawed, and have had 16 abortions."
Little did he know I've actually had 18.
"You don't eat meat? Like, you're a vegetarian?"
This is when I should have said, "Oh I eat meat, just human meat. Babies are my favourite...so tender."
We stared at each other in silence for a while after I'd replied, "Yes." to his vegetarian question. He looked down the menu and decided to pursue a new route to things. Apparently his agenda was not towards the animal rights side of things. It was unacceptable that I didn't eat animals, and he was going to make it known.
"So do you think that just because you don't eat animals you're going to save the world? Even if you don't eat animals other people are still going to so you might as well because you aren't changing anything."
Hey you know, you are using an awful lot of oxygen spewing your bullshit.
I replied kindly, "That's alright, I figure it takes one person at a time to change the world. Even if my eating meat doesn't stop other people, they might come around on their own. It's your choice if you want to eat meat, just like it's my choice if I don't want to."
His eyes narrowed as he looked at me, I could tell he was thinking (or something slightly resembling thinking).
What I imagine was going on in his head:
[red lights flashing] Oh god dude, she's an independent thinker. She thinks for herself.
Oh fuck she might actually be smart, I don't like girls that are smarter than I am. Oh God, what do I do? Should I listen? No- no, tell her to get back in the kitchen.
Oh fuck I'm at a restaurant and that won't work. ABANDON SHIP.
We didn't go on another date.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
First Day Flying Solo
So usually I don't post blogs about my life, because my life isn't interesting unless I'm being an asshole to somebody or something like that. But lately I've been training to work as the Daily Event Manager at my place of employment and yesterday was my first day flying solo. It was pretty hectic and I'm kind of surprised I managed it without stressing to death.
My first task was to set up the Forum system, which isn't important to really understand what that's for but it's kind of important to understand what that is. Basically, it's a computer system that the professors can use to teach their class. It's got a large Mac computer that's hooked up so it displays on two large projector screens. Well I got in there and started setting it up and the computer wouldn't boot up. It got to near booting up and then froze at this grey screen with a swirly doom clock in the middle.
Using my extensive knowledge of computer technology, I did the first step any decent IT guy tells you-
I restarted the fucking computer.
At that point I hard-restarted it and it got to the same spot and froze, again. I was unsure about what to do so I picked up the help phone hoping they would give me a nice pointer to fix my dilemma.
[phone rings twice]
"Hello, this is help desk."
Hi, this is Kori with Event Support, I'm down in the Snell Forum attempting to boot up the system and the computer keeps freezing before it even gets to the sign in screen."
"Have you tried rebooting it?"
Yes I already have rebooted it and it gets to exactly the same point and freezes again.
"Try rebooting it again."
Then I'm thinking, 'Sure, because we all know if rebooting it doesn't work the first time, obviously rebooting it like four more times will fix it.'
So I hung up the phone, and I rebooted it three more times.
It was so amazing, guess what happened?
Fucking nothing- it got to the same point each time and froze.
I'm a motha fuckin geniuuuuus.
So by that time I was pretty flustered and got a hold of James, our technical guy. He tried rebooting the computer and it didn't work. Then he and I worked through a couple steps that didn't work. We called the help desk one more time,
"Help desk..."
Hello, this is Event Support again, I'm still in the Forum and attempting to boot the computer up but it freezes before it gets to the sign in screen. I already tried rebooting the computer three times with no avail.
"So you've already rebooted it?"
No I just like lying to IT guys because it gets me off. Yes I rebooted it.
"Okay we're going to try a couple more things."
At this point I don't care to write about it. Next problem.
-----------------
After failing to set up the forum, I went back to work with other groups setting up their setups. One group came in to do a self-service chair and table set up outside in the quad. Info Desk called me to let them in, so I met them at the front desk since I was near there anyway. They were standing there looking clueless so I asked them if they needed anything other than their chairs and tables.
"Well we need to plug some stuff in."
It doesn't say here that you've reserved a power connection in the quad, did you reserve that online?
"No, why would we have to reserve electricity?"
So we know to set it up, and to know where our equipment is going. I'll have our front desk lady add it to your reservation, it wont cost anything, let's get you set up.
"Cool thanks."
Then we went to the room to get the chairs and tables from the room downstairs. I opened the door and let them in, they stared at me like I was supposed to do something. I told them they could put what they needed on this rolling cart so that they could wheel it outside.
"You're not going to load it up and set it up for us?"
No I'm not going to fucking load it up for you, for set it up for you, that's why it's called self-service. I'll set up your power but you need to take your damn tables.
So I walked the gentlemen out there and they started setting up in the corner of the quad. One of them starting coping an attitude with me about being in the spot the reserved. I was confused at first why he was angry, but then I realized they wanted to move over one spot in the quad. That wasn't possible because there was another group going to be there in like 15 minutes.
"We want to be in that spot over there."
You are going to have to stay in your reserved spot because somebody else has reserved that space in the quad.
"I'm pretty sure nobody is going to be there. We'll just set up right there."
No, there is somebody there, I saw the BEO for it earlier, you need to stay where you've reserved your space here. We'll make sure you have everything you need.
"How about we just set up there and if somebody sets up we'll move at that point?"
No, you should stay where you're at. The other group will be inconvenienced if they have to wait for you to move, and it will become a hassle for you and them. I suggest you just stay where you're at.
"Well can't you just check? Cause I'm like 100% positive there's nobody there."
I had to go get guard dogs anyway so I walked up to the office on the way and looked, oh what do you know-
There was a group coming to set up in like 5 minutes. Holy shit it's like I work there and see these things or something.
I went back out and told them that there was another group coming in and that they needed to stay where they were at. The guy stared at me like I was the biggest asshole ever. It felt kind of satisfying telling them no. They were being pricks.
While I was busy fighting with them, a couple of my other setups had needed help, luckily one of the other workers had come in and saved my ass by helping them.
Fuck. Fraternities. :)
My first task was to set up the Forum system, which isn't important to really understand what that's for but it's kind of important to understand what that is. Basically, it's a computer system that the professors can use to teach their class. It's got a large Mac computer that's hooked up so it displays on two large projector screens. Well I got in there and started setting it up and the computer wouldn't boot up. It got to near booting up and then froze at this grey screen with a swirly doom clock in the middle.
Using my extensive knowledge of computer technology, I did the first step any decent IT guy tells you-
I restarted the fucking computer.
At that point I hard-restarted it and it got to the same spot and froze, again. I was unsure about what to do so I picked up the help phone hoping they would give me a nice pointer to fix my dilemma.
[phone rings twice]
"Hello, this is help desk."
Hi, this is Kori with Event Support, I'm down in the Snell Forum attempting to boot up the system and the computer keeps freezing before it even gets to the sign in screen."
"Have you tried rebooting it?"
Yes I already have rebooted it and it gets to exactly the same point and freezes again.
"Try rebooting it again."
Then I'm thinking, 'Sure, because we all know if rebooting it doesn't work the first time, obviously rebooting it like four more times will fix it.'
So I hung up the phone, and I rebooted it three more times.
It was so amazing, guess what happened?
Fucking nothing- it got to the same point each time and froze.
I'm a motha fuckin geniuuuuus.
So by that time I was pretty flustered and got a hold of James, our technical guy. He tried rebooting the computer and it didn't work. Then he and I worked through a couple steps that didn't work. We called the help desk one more time,
"Help desk..."
Hello, this is Event Support again, I'm still in the Forum and attempting to boot the computer up but it freezes before it gets to the sign in screen. I already tried rebooting the computer three times with no avail.
"So you've already rebooted it?"
No I just like lying to IT guys because it gets me off. Yes I rebooted it.
"Okay we're going to try a couple more things."
At this point I don't care to write about it. Next problem.
-----------------
After failing to set up the forum, I went back to work with other groups setting up their setups. One group came in to do a self-service chair and table set up outside in the quad. Info Desk called me to let them in, so I met them at the front desk since I was near there anyway. They were standing there looking clueless so I asked them if they needed anything other than their chairs and tables.
"Well we need to plug some stuff in."
It doesn't say here that you've reserved a power connection in the quad, did you reserve that online?
"No, why would we have to reserve electricity?"
So we know to set it up, and to know where our equipment is going. I'll have our front desk lady add it to your reservation, it wont cost anything, let's get you set up.
"Cool thanks."
Then we went to the room to get the chairs and tables from the room downstairs. I opened the door and let them in, they stared at me like I was supposed to do something. I told them they could put what they needed on this rolling cart so that they could wheel it outside.
"You're not going to load it up and set it up for us?"
No I'm not going to fucking load it up for you, for set it up for you, that's why it's called self-service. I'll set up your power but you need to take your damn tables.
So I walked the gentlemen out there and they started setting up in the corner of the quad. One of them starting coping an attitude with me about being in the spot the reserved. I was confused at first why he was angry, but then I realized they wanted to move over one spot in the quad. That wasn't possible because there was another group going to be there in like 15 minutes.
"We want to be in that spot over there."
You are going to have to stay in your reserved spot because somebody else has reserved that space in the quad.
"I'm pretty sure nobody is going to be there. We'll just set up right there."
No, there is somebody there, I saw the BEO for it earlier, you need to stay where you've reserved your space here. We'll make sure you have everything you need.
"How about we just set up there and if somebody sets up we'll move at that point?"
No, you should stay where you're at. The other group will be inconvenienced if they have to wait for you to move, and it will become a hassle for you and them. I suggest you just stay where you're at.
"Well can't you just check? Cause I'm like 100% positive there's nobody there."
I had to go get guard dogs anyway so I walked up to the office on the way and looked, oh what do you know-
There was a group coming to set up in like 5 minutes. Holy shit it's like I work there and see these things or something.
I went back out and told them that there was another group coming in and that they needed to stay where they were at. The guy stared at me like I was the biggest asshole ever. It felt kind of satisfying telling them no. They were being pricks.
While I was busy fighting with them, a couple of my other setups had needed help, luckily one of the other workers had come in and saved my ass by helping them.
Fuck. Fraternities. :)
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