Types of Customers

Almost everyone has to start at the bottom of the job chain in order to get where they want to be. Most people end up working some form of retail or food service in their lives.

Unless they have parents that pay for every thing and they can just breeze through college and start in a good job.
 Jerks.

I've worked retail and food service. They definitely were not the best jobs I've ever had and I still don't have the best job ever. Though the more you work with people, the more you learn to spot different types of people before even talking thoroughly with them. There are tons of different types of customers and if you work retail, especially something like a grocery store, clothing store, or hobby/craft shop, you will deal with all of them at some point.

If you've never worked in a customer oriented setting, here's the scoop. 
And if you have, prepare for horrific Vietnam type flashbacks.

Customer Type #1: The needy bitch.
 So you're walking about the store, doing your job, minding your own business- when she walks in. After coming in she's frantically searching the aisles like a crack addict needing her fix. 

Shaking profusely, drooling, eyes twitching....

Oh shit. She's spotted you.
Run! Run you sorry bastard! 
RU- Oh right you work here.
She fumbles on over and stares at you, obviously needing something. Using your awesome customer service jargon you learned at orientation, you ask her how you could help her. 

That was mistake #1. 

She replies, "Well, not to be a bother, but I was looking for felt. I need sheets of felt. Red, and blue, and green, and yellow, and purple, and blue, and red, and green. Felt. I need felt, so much felt."   

You politely show her to the aisle with the felt on it. Feeling as though you've completed your task, you make...

Mistake #2. 

You ask her, "So is there anything else I can help you with?"

She makes a face sort of like this: 

 She slyly hands you some felt, "Oh well in that case, can you hold these two sheets of felt next to each other so I can see what they look like?"

Okay are you fucking serious? I have like 50 other people to help, a store to clean, other jobs to do, and you want me to hold your felt for you so you can LOOK at them? Is it really that hard to take your left hand and right hand and hold the felt away from your face so you can see what they look like together? It's TWO SHEETS OF FELT. 

Oh I get it, you're a super hero and your only weakness is felt. Your arch enemy is watching from behind the beads waiting to strike as soon as you touch the felt, as you will be powerless. Then they will defeat you and rule the world! You must be planning to buy all the felt so the villain cannot use it against you. 

But if you bought 582 sheets of felt, something would look suspicious. What if people figured out you're a super hero?
    "Oh fuck- she just bought 582 sheets of felt. Only a super hero would do that." 

So instead- you are buying only two sheets at a time, and are going to make 291 trips. Less suspicious that way.

Fucking Brilliant!

Customer Type #2: Life story.

This customer is usually a regular. They come in all the time, looking for random items. Sometimes it's trash bags, other times it's canned peas. It doesn't matter what they are looking for though; they are always going to relate it to one of their 120 cats, war experiences, crafty ideas, complaints about younger generations, or something else you don't give a shit about.

The customer walks into the store, looking around for someone to help them. You spot her. It's Marty, the old lady from downtown. Hiding your face behind a 32 pack of Charmin Ultra toilet paper, you hope she doesn't see you. No dice. As she waddles over, you ponder how long it would take to climb on top of the aisle and jump off- impaling yourself on the fork display. Before you can make your attempt she has already reached you.

Marty: Excuse me, do you guys have glitter?

Why we sure do, let me show you where it is! 
   ...as you walk to the glitter- 
So why do you need glitter today? Working on a fun project? Sending the grandchild to school? Making Christmas ornaments in February? Setting yourself on fire?

Marty: No..no...no...what was that last one?

 .....Christmas ornaments.
    You reach the glitter-  
Well here you go, anything else?

Marty: Do you know when glitter was invented? Me neither, but one time I worked as a stripper at this joint in Las Vegas and we used a lot of glitter. Glitter on our nipples, panties, and hair clips. Glitter on the floors and in the curtains and glitter on the poles. Hell I'd have glitter in my cooch for days after working....

Just walk the fuck away. Do it now.


Customer Type #3: The angry couponer.

Some people like to use coupons to get discounts on items- others use them to give customer service employees paper cuts in their eyes.  

Like when the old man comes into the grocery store. You're at your register waiting for a customer to come through when his overloaded cart with 500 items in it rolls up. As you begin scanning he pulls a pocketbook stuffed so full it wont zip out of his pocket. It's full of coupons. 

3,782 coupons to be exact. 
And they're all for you. :)

After you've scanned all his items into the computer you begin looking into his coupon pile. He is dead set on using every coupon that he has in that pocketbook. Because it's protocol- you have to look at every single coupon to make sure it is valid. 

Coupon 1: Expired in 1973.
Coupon 2: For a hardware store.
Coupon 3: Although you take "competitor coupons," a mom and pop grocery store in Montana isn't really a competitor....
Coupon 4: Handwritten on toilet paper, "Free Entire Purchase- No Limit!"

The list goes on. Out of all of those coupons, four are valid. Oh he is so pissed.

"What do you mean I can only use four? I've spent my entire 80 years of life saving those coupons and dammit I'm going to use them! Let me speak to your manager! NOW!"

So you call up the manager.
The manager sees how many coupons the man has.
You can see the panic in your manager's eyes.
Wet spots begin to form in his armpits.
....and he runs away to his office.

Some help the manager is- so you refuse to take the coupons because most are expired or the fact the hardware store coupon is for a hammer the customer didn't even have in his cart.

The customer continues to press the coupons, claiming that you have to take them "Because the lady did when he came in yesterday." 
...right. Minus the fact that you were the only woman working yesterday.      

That's when you scream..."LOOK OVER THERE, OH THE HORROR!" and point in some direction.

As he looks in said direction- throw all the coupons in the shredder under your register.  
When he looks back and his coupons are gone, act like you don't know what he's talking about.
Proceed to deny the existence of coupons.
Charge full price on all items.

Somebody call Charlie Sheen, cause this guy is winning. 

Customer Type #4: It looks kinda like.... 
It's super nice when customers come into the store and know exactly what they want to buy. This makes the transaction easier for the customer and the sales rep. Or sometimes they walk in an they know what they want to do any just need the correct item for the job. 
"I want to smooth the wooden cabinet I'm making." 
By golly that person needs sand paper.

Then there's the people who THINK they know what they want, or think they know how to explain what they want in an effective way so they don't have to know what it's called.

Customer: So I'm looking for something and I need help finding it.
Rep: Oh? Well let me help you! What are you looking for?
Customer: Well I don't really know what it's called...
Rep: That's alright! What is it used for?
Customer: Um...I don't really know.
Rep: ...Okay. What does it look like...?
Customer:  It's purple.
Rep: Alright, um- well we have a lot of purple things, perhaps explain to me what you're going to do with it?
Customer: I don't know yet I just know I need it. It's purple and it comes in a box and it has this square on it with the logo an fancy lettering on the package.
Rep: .....okay. Um...yeah.

The rep has no idea what the person wants, and it appears that the person does not either. The customer then becomes irritated that the rep cannot read their mind and know exactly what they want from a vague description. Finally the customer comes up to the registers with desired product in hand. 

They wanted purple Play-Doh.  
Dumbass rep. They should have known- it was totally obvious.  

Eight Legged Killers

Let me tell you, if some big guy came bashing into my house, guns flailing shooting holes in my ceiling demanding my money...
I'd give it to him.

I'd be like,
  "Dude get dah fuck out of mah house." D:<
I'd get a bat and hit him with it and kick him till he was dead.
Okay no I wouldn't.

But if you think about it, if someone came into your house, threatening the lives of your family and yourself you would be more than willing to try your hand at kicking their ass. It's only natural.
Self defense.
Protecting your kin.
Whatever you want to call it.

Although, when I am faced with a different kind of situation I tend to panic and run in circles, making sure to steer clear of the object causing me peril. 

Oh not to mention, I scream like a little girl. 

Spiders.
Little bastards. 
People are all like, "Oh man you can't blame them they are just trying to liiiiive. They just wanna liiiive."
They can live all they want- but it can't be in MY house.

"Oh but they eat bugs, and they keep you from having to use pesticides in your home."
Annnnnd....?

The point is. Spiders are these tiny little things. While all of them are "harmful" in some fashion, very few are deadly to humans. Why are so many of us afraid of them?
Cause their fucking scary- that's why. 

How shit goes down.
I'm on the computer doing homework, watching Netflix, or surfing porn Facebook. I happen to spot something out of the corner of my eye moving across the wall. That feeling of dread takes over and I slowly look up to see a black spider scaling the wall. 

What I wish happened...
1) I walk over to the kitchen, and I grab a cup. Calmly of course, as there's no problem if the spider gets away because I can just catch it later. 
2) Grab a piece of scratch paper sitting on the floor near the spider.
3) Gently set cup over spider, slide paper underneath.
4) Put spider outside.
5) Sit back down the continue previous tasks, unfazed.

What actually happens...
1) Think I see spider while doing whatever I am doing. Ponder if I should actually look up to see the spider or if I should just ignore it and hope it goes away because "it's not really there."
2) Decide to quickly look up and just see if it really is a spider or if I'm just being paranoid. 
3) See that it is a spider.
4) Begin to panic. Notice that it is all the way across the room but could charge any moment. 
5) Wonder what to do. Pull feet onto the couch because spiders wouldn't dare try to scale a couch. 
6) Yell for Brian, wait for three minutes.
7) Brian catches spider, puts spider outside, goes back upstairs. 
8) Continue to think that there are spiders everywhere. Scream at every leaf, dust bunny, stain on the carpet, or hair because I think it's a spider. 


Now I've thought about it, and there must be quite the panic going through Brian's mind when this happens. Because it's never just...
"Brian!! Come down here there's a spider, could you get it?" in a calm fashion.
Instead it usually goes...

"Brian! BRIAN!! BRIIIAAN!!! AHHHHHHHHH! AHHHH! AH AH AH AH AH!! AH BRIAN BRIAN BRIAN!! AHH HELP ME! EEEEE! AHHHH! AHHHH!"
 Accompanied by various slamming noises as I try to jump on anything nearby and knock shit on the floor. 


What probably goes through Brian's head:
Oh no, Kori is screaming at the top of her lungs in need of assistance, in a very loud and panicked voice. What could be happening?
Possible scenarios that go through his head as he runs to my aid...

• Robber has broken in and is beating the living shit out of her while trying to steal her plants.
• She has accidentally set the kitchen on fire while trying to bake tofu.
• She slipped and fell and broke her leg/foot/hip. 
• A flaming UFO has crashed into our 5 by 6 foot back yard.  
• She's mad because I didn't help with dinner and she needs my help now.
• Bigfoot is attempting to kidnap her to the fore.....it's a spider.

Nope- just a spider.
And it's not even a big spider.
What. The. Fuck. 
  
 

Things That Shouldn't Irriate Me [but do]

Everyone has their pet peeves, some people have more than others. I personally have quite a few, and since you probably follow me if you're reading this you know I tend to dislike a lot of things.
But at least it's kind of funny reading about it right?
Right? :( 

 When people draw their eyebrows on (poorly)
I know this isn't really that big of a deal, but have you ever really thought about it? It's kind of obnoxious. There's like a hundred different ways to draw your eyebrows on, and every way makes you look even more ridiculous if you draw them incorrectly. 
Mmmmeyebrowbigot.

I realized this when I was at the grocery store one day, I was going through the line and there is this checker who shaves her eyebrows off and draws them on with eyeliner maybe? Well every time I go in, they are a little bit different. Each time she says something, she says it the same monotonous way, but her eyebrows make it say so much more.
Oh miss Checker Lady, what your eyebrows say to me...

When you draw them too high...
You say, "That will be $21.50 please." 
But your eyebrows say, "YOU OWE ME $21.50!! WHEEEEE!"

When you draw them slightly too low or slanted...
You say, "Do you want paper or plastic?"
But your eyebrows say, " Bitch you better use paper or I'll stab you in the liver."

One time you forgot to draw them on....
You just looked fucking weird.

Why would you want to draw your eyebrows on anyway? 
"Well I was trying to shave off my unibrow and I accidentally shaved one brow too much so I shaved the other one more, then they were uneven so I tried to fix them and by the time I was done I had no eyebrows. So I drew them on with a sharpie."

Brilliant plan. I like it. Next time, use tweezers, they are like 92 cents at Wal-Mart. 

It's not like it really affects me in the slightest, but it's just one of those things that makes me want to switch checker lines because I don't want to laugh at her. Seriously it's just hard. It's emotionally confusing. They say one thing but they look differently. It's like the people who draw them on and they look excited all the time.
Nobody is excited all the fucking time.

"My Grandmother just died!!" (Excited eyebrows)
Fucking sicko, what, did she leave you in her will?

To the granddaughter who was always so excited....


Conspiracy Theorists...
You're sitting at the airport and this dick next to you is talking about how the TSA is only out to molest children. They don't care about terrorist because really, Obama hires terrorists and it's a total inside job. They just dress up like terrorists and do their job blowing shit up.

Oh really asshole, and what exactly does a terrorist look like?
     You know, they carry around bombs strapped to their waist, they wear a turban full of guns, and they are definitely Muslim. That last one is the most important.

Right...so every Muslim is a terrorist?
No, see, people get that all wrong, not every Muslim is a terrorist, but every terrorist is Muslim.

You are a racist asshole you know that?
I'm only exposing the truth! The government is always watching you! They are watching us now, right fucking now man. RIGHT NOW. They have cameras in our brains. IN OUR BRAINS. They watch us through pennies and have recorders in our cars. They see all! 

Right...okay I'm going to go get molested by the TSA now...

Every single fucking policeman on the force is out to get me....
Did you rob a bank?
No....
Beat your wife?
No....  
Kick a puppy?
No....

Then they probably don't know you exist.
     "Oh but they pull me over every chance they get! I can't fucking leave my house without getting pulled over. For no fucking reason either!"


Were you speeding? Because that's probably why they pulled your ass over. 

    "......."

Yeah, that's what I thought. Jackass. 


The police are not out to get you, neither is the government, the TSA, the mayor, the Pillsbury Dough Boy, the Michelin Man, none of them. None. 


If you think that you are being sought after by people with power you are fucking narcissistic. Unless you actually did something wrong and your face is plastered all over the news- then you're probably fucked.


People with annoying laughs....
This one is almost self-explanatory. You're shopping at the furniture store, minding your own business- admiring the cute leopard print on these pillows when...

suddenly....
In the not so distant distance....
A donkey cries out for help as it's being mauled by a rhino...
Oh wait that's just some lady's fucking annoying laugh.   

I'm not even going to go into this because it's just too self explanatory. 

Last but not least...
One of my biggest pet peeves ever...
When people treat me like I'm stupid, 
Because I have a vagina.

This one I'm going to use a story to explain my point. :)
Yay story time!

So I go into Home Depot, because I want to buy some pots for my house plants. It's summer time and the little assholes tend to think they need to grow a whole bunch and cost me extra money. 
Whores.
I'm walking around the store picking up a lot of pots, like probably 15 pots. Which is equivalent to more than 40 dollars in sales. This will last me quite some time since I only have to repot them every two years or so depending on the plant. As I'm walking out I decide I want to buy myself some systemic because it's bug season. 

I head over to the pesticide section and I look for some.  
There isn't any.

So I start walking around looking for help. Isn't that what they do at stores? They hire people to help you? You'd think so. Well at least I would.

I have this really bad fantasy problem where I imagine the best of situations...

So as I am walking around I run into this guy Brad. He is pretty nice and asks the typical customer service question, 
     "Can I help you find something?"

Why yes Brad you can help me find some systemic for my house plants.

Of course, he didn't know what that was, but using his killer deducting skills he determined that it was for plants and so he sent me to the garden department to meet Kevin.

So I get there and begin looking over the pesticides one more time to see if I can maybe figure it out on my own. Still can't find it. So I stand there and wait.
..and wait.
and wait.....
....and wait....
[15 minutes of waiting]

Finally said "Kevin" decides to quit masturbating and show the hell up. 
    "Are you the chick that needed help?"

Well yes Kevin, I am in fact the "chick" that needed help, preferably not your help, but I guess you'll have to do. Also keep in mind that I pay your wages and everything you do and say can and will be reported to a manager. 

I reply, "Yeah I was looking for systemics for house plants to keep mites away."

He gives me this stupid snotty look and says, "Well you won't find it because it doesn't exist."
      Oh really fucktard, is that why I own some and it's under my cabinet?

I stared at him for a second and I said, "Um...yes it does, I was just wondering if you guys carried it. I'm assuming you don't if you think it doesn't exist."

He shoots back a most witty reply, "Well we don't carry it because it doesn't exist."
   Look, I understand you might not know what it is, or you don't know if you don't carry it. Or you don't carry it. Sorry to tell you Kevin, but just because Home Depot doesn't carry it doesn't mean it does not exist. If Home Depot was the only real store out there then we'd be fucked. 
Looks like food doesn't exist, aside from dinky candies by the check stand. Oh you wanted a couch? Fuck you those don't exist. Looks like dogs and cats and any other kind of pets don't exist, Home Depot doesn't sell those either.
It's like fucking inception- nothing is real but Home Depot!   

I am starting to get irritated that he's treating me like I'm supposed to believe his stupid sorry ass. So I reply saying, "Well I know it exists, because I own some and I just needed more, it's fine though- I'll just go to Fred Meyers or something."

Instead of saying, "Well alright Miss, thanks for stopping by anyway." he decided to continue being a dick. 
"Well, mam, I realize that women, especially gardeners, think they know everything about plants. But in reality I know a lot more because I mean look, I work at the Home Depot."

Oh fuck, how could I question someone who works at the Home Depot about plants? I've worked at two nurseries and I'm majoring in Botany. How could I POSSIBLY think I know more than this guy. 

So I kindly said, "Oh how silly of me. Thinking I knew anything worth shit. Being a Botany major I thought I knew what I was talking about. Hm, I guess I was wrong." 

He goes, "Well if you already knew the answer to your question why did you even ask for help?"

At this point he'd pushed me over the edge and I just blew up at him, "Look I didn't ask for someone to come over and tell me I'm an idiot that doesn't know what she's talking about. Had I, you would be doing a fucking fantastic job."  

His face was kind of like this.... ---->   O____O;

I didn't stop there either, "All I wanted was someone with half a brain to come and tell me if you guys carried something. Not tell me that it doesn't exist when I know blatantly well that it does. You are not doing your job and you are quite the asshole. You just lost yourself a sale."

I handed him back all the pots I was going to buy.

That was the equivalent of: Hey go fuck yourself with the 150 cacti in the plant room that you know so much about.