When Work Clothes Aren't Enough-

So today at work was pretty fun, ya know, the usual. I went into work like normal people do. I went into the back room and I put on my apron, my headset, my RF gun, and my name tag.

It was time to go onto the floor.


I clocked into the system and I put on my best smile (which isn't very good, who the fuck can do this? Smiling all day at work. I'm not Barbie- my face isn't made of plastic. I swear I crave the moments when the customers aren't looking and I can just look at my feet and frown like this ->   >:((((((!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, I even frown exclamation points, thanks for asking.)

Oh, speaking of customers. I swear sometimes...just yeah. Don't get me wrong- they pay my wages. That's important and all, but seriously sometimes I wonder if they even have a brain. Some experiences help me to continue believing that..

Experience One:
I'm standing near a drive aisle, stocking items into a bin. Tins, I think. A lady walks by me and I say, "Hello! How are you today? Can I help you find anything?"

I receive the reply,  "I'm sorry do you work here?"

I stare for a second, a thought crosses my mind. I'm wearing an apron, an earpiece headset, a black collared shirt, khaki pants (Okay seriously, who the HELL wears khaki pants if they don't have to? You don't see people looking around the clothing store going, "Hey can you please tell me where the khaki pants are? I'm going to this really happening party and I want all the girls to see me in something cool." NO.) Hell I was wearing a name tag too.

I thought about it for a second, and without really thinking about it (haha that doesn't make sense.) I said, "No, I just like to dress like an employee and work around the store to mess with customers. It really gets me off."

Okay, so I was really lucky she had a sense of humor, cause I'm pretty sure I could have been fired for that remark.

Experience Two:

I was working as a cashier at that time, and a woman I dread seeing came in. Every time she comes in she ends up asking me for help (WHY GOD WHYYY?). Well she comes up to the register and she has her two items in hand. She sets them on the counter along with two coupons. Seems pretty normal right? Well here's the problem, I can't take two of the same coupons from the same person in the same day. That's policy- and it states that RIGHT ON THE COUPON IN BOLD LETTERS.

 KORI CANNOT TAKE TWO OF THESE IN ONE DAY FROM THE SAME PERSON. YES MARGIE THAT MEANS YOU.


Still, she proceeds to push the coupons at me. This is not the first time I've told her that I cannot take the coupons. She's come in multitudes of times and done this. I don't know why she doesn't learn.

Oh she is pissed.

"Well last time I came in the lady let me use both!" she explains.
"Well, they must not know our policy very well, because I am not allowed to take both of these." I explain politely.
"WHY NOT?" she bellows like a hippo. She actually doesn't look too different from a hippo, now that I think about it. She can't even button the button on her jean shorts...or zip them up. Anyway-
"It's policy, mam, it states clearly on the coupon as well that you can only use one type of coupon per day."
"WELL THEY LET ME DO IT LAST TIME!"
"Mam, I am incredibly sorry, but I just can't do it, it will cause problems and I will get written up."
"You should get written up for not taking my coupon!"
"Why don't you bring it in tomorrow and get your other item? Or save it for a more pricey item perhaps? It could save you more money that way!"
"BUT I WANT TO USE IT NOW! I DEMAND TO SPEAK TO A MANAGER!"
"Alright, let me call one."


All this fuss- over a 3 dollar purchase. Yeah, the manager let her do it, she saved 30 cents.



Experience Three:
A guy and his girlfriend came in. They stopped me and asked me a peculiar question I'd never been asked, "Hey where is the stuff to make a beer pong table?" The only reason I even knew what that was, was because my old roommate liked to play beer pong.

I stared at them for a moment.

Um, what? I had to think a moment. What did you need to make a beer pong table?
"Well, we don't sell ping pong tables...." I slowly say, "We have tape though, and neon paint. Would that work?"

"Well, I need the table too. How can you have beer pong with no table?"

 Hell I don't know dude, if you expected to find a beer pong table for sale at an art store, you're shit out of luck. Why didn't you try somewhere else? Like maybe the internet. The internet is great for weirdos wanting to buy shit from other weirdos. Craigslist even has listings for people selling virginity. Good ole' virginity. 

His girlfriend piped up and asked me where the paint was. I took them to the paint. I showed them the neon colours that we carried.

"We need something that would glow under black light." the girl said.
Last time I checked, neon/fluorescent paints glow under black light. Unless for some reason the paint companies decided to be funny and lie on the packages that say, "GLOWS UNDER BLACK LIGHT!" Ha those bitches, they'll never know until it's too late! HA HA HA! WE'LL MAKE MILLIONS!

I politely explain that the neon and florescent paints will glow under a black light. But I also warned them that they should coat the paint on the table with a sealant. Now comes the question: Why?

Well unless you have these magical glasses that stop the flow of liquid onto a table after a ping pong ball is thrown at nearly mach speed because Garret doesn't realize you don't have to throw it like a moron, you're going to get your paint wet. Paint tends to run if you do not seal it properly. I mean you'd think its common sense, if you're bad at throwing balls into a cup, which obviously Garret is, you're going to miss, or throw it too hard and splash the table.

This means Garrett would have to take a shot, slowly this cycle would cause drunkenness. Drunk = Even Worse At Throwing A Ping Pong Ball Into A Tiny Cup. So you'd end up with even more splashes on your table. Perhaps even spilled beer. OH GOD NOT SPILLED BEER. ANYTHING BUT THAT. HURRY- LICK IT OFF THE TABLE!!!

Then people would lick the paint off the table.

Do you get where I'm going with this? Probably not, if you're this guy and his girlfriend.
They ended up leaving without buying anything, because we didn't sell ping pong tables.

DAMN.