How I Indirectly Sold My Soul to the Easter Bunny

Before I even begin to tell this story- due to the nature of its content- I have to put a disclaimer.

Disclaimer: Don't be a dumb ass and get angry about the stuff I post.
Kthx. 

 "Are you ready for redemption? Are you ready to be saved? Is your soul fit for Jesus to judge!?"

Um...fuck you?

Alright so when you walk through the OSU campus you can find a variety of things. You can find college students, garbage cans, PETA trying to get you to pledge your money, food shops, and if you're not good at avoiding them: people trying to spread the gospel. 

See, here's where I don't want people getting angry. 

If you're angry about people being blasphemous- then quit reading right now.

You're still reading. Stop.

Stop.

I said stop.

Are you still reading?

OK. 

You have no right to be a pissy bitch now. I warned you. :)

I honestly don't know if it's like this on every campus, I'm assuming at some point or another there are these crazy people. There are the people that like to stand out in front of the library and hold signs saying incredibly intelligent jargon like...

The end is near.

Jesus hates fags.

Pray for redemption!

God is the only true path!

Help me get the stick out of my ass!  

I personally try my hardest to stay away from these people. Not because I necessarily hate it when people voice their opinions. I just hate when these people do. I just have a tendency to want to fight with these people. They tend to be seen though my eyes with a huge target between their eyes that says "Throw Rock Here." 

Then there are other people that are usually a lot nicer. They are the friendly gentlemen that stand at the corners around campus and hand out mini New Testament bibles. Usually they are polite and ask if you would like to have a bible. If you say "No thank you." or "I already have one, thanks." or "I'm Jewish." they tend to leave you alone about it. Well the other day I ran into one that was like a combination of the sign people, and the bible handout brigade. 

He wanted to take the bible and thump me with it. Too bad it was way too small or he might have. I mean they are smaller than a freaking cup coaster. Well, he asked me if I wanted a bible and it went a little something like this:

Man: "Hello, would you like a bible?"

Myself: "Oh no, thank you."

At this point he notices the pentagram necklace I am wearing.

"What do you identify as?" the man asks.

As if it was any of his fucking business, but being the very nice person I am, I answered him anyway.

 "I tend to tell people I am pagan. I have my own beliefs on things," I tell him politely.

"Is God part of your beliefs?" The man asks sharply.

At this point I'm starting to realize where he's going with the questions. "Well a goddess like figure deity thing is part of my beliefs. Why does it matter?"

He narrows his eyes. "Do you realize that when you die, God is going to look at everything you have done in your life? It is very important to live by his word."

Yeah and when God looks over my life he's going to realize how much of my time you wasted and put a black mark on your tally. So can I go now?

 "That's great, and would be important to me if I believed in god," I turned to go as I had experienced enough of this kind of stuff to know that I would be fighting with him within a few minutes if I didn't walk away right then. 

He kept going though, inviting me to stay, "You aren't afraid of what God will do when he judges your soul?"
Did God forget to install a brain in your head? Didn't we already go over this?

"Well see, I hate to disappoint God but I already promised the Easter Bunny that he could judge my soul. It would be rude to let God do it after promising the Easter Bunny." I had the most serious look on my face that I could muster.

He got this look on his face as if he was trying to decide if I was mentally challenged, serious, or being a smart ass jerk. 

"Why would you promise the Easter Bunny such a thing? To promise your soul to such fiction."

I got a wide eyed stare of absolutely horror...

"Are you saying the Easter Bunny isn't real?"

>:(

 "Well of course," he says, "The Easter Bunny is a character that was made up by men."

Oh man did he really just say that? WHY WOULD YOU OPEN YOURSELF UP LIKE THAT?

Omgomgomgomgomgomgomg.

:o

"Oh well in that case I guess I don't have to worry."

"Why is that?"

"Because God is fictional."

"And how do you figure that?" he asks.

"Well apparently by definition, fictional is a character that was made up by men."

Blasphemy-o-meter: Red

He was not very happy with me. 

I decided I still didn't want a bible. 

U MAD BRO?

 

Courteous Driving

I apologize for my lack of posting on this blog, I have been extremely busy attempting world domination and such. Although since I have a minute I figured I would post a blog about something everybody loves,

Driving.
And something everyone does not love,
Driving with assholes.

This blog starts off on game day at the OSU campus. I had to work from two to four that day, and it just so happens we had a home game. Well, for those of you that don't go to college, don't care about football, or who are a hermit hiding in your house playing World of Warcraft- when there is a home football game the campus becomes a cluster fuck. 

Well that doesn't stop me from having to work, and since I work on campus I get to experience the amazing awe that is Game Day, and all the stupid shit that comes with it. 

I got out of work at four that day, and it just so happens that the game got out just then too. This means that a flock of hundreds of people are aimlessly bumping into each other as they scramble to their cars.

Along with that one dumbass that walks around screaming "GO DUUUUUUCKS!" 
Usually a series of small to large boulders are tossed at said person.

I got to my car about the same time as the other 500 people waiting to get back to wherever the fuck they are going. I am not an aggressive driver so this kind of stuff is always a challenge for me. I'd rather just drive courteous and friendly and not have to push my way into traffic. 

Apparently that doesn't fucking work.

So I ended up sitting at an intersection for like 10 minutes as the people behind me grew more impatient by the second. Finally there was someone else being a pushy dick and making a left turn without having the right away. I was turning right coming from the side so I took this opportunity to turn at the same time. 

Yesssssss I got out.

Well the truck behind me, driven by some hard core redneck, judging by the "I LOVE GUNS AND TITS" sticker in his window starts laying on the horn. At first I thought he was honking at the guy that turned left in front of him. Note that the cars had all stopped for a pedestrian crossing the road, so it's not like the left turn guy cut the truck off. But no. He was honking at me.

And he was flipping me off. Repeatedly.
Challenge Accepted.

So at the next intersection with a stop sign inhibiting the cross traffic there were shit tons of people waiting to get into the lane I was in because it led to the freeway onramp. Who was I to tell these people they couldn't get onto the main road? I am but one person in one car in the whole scheme of people driving on game day. 

So I stopped and waved the first person to turn into my lane.
And then the next.
And the next one too.
One more I guess can come in.
LET IN ALL THE CARS!

Meanwhile the truck behind me was fuming and I could see him in the rear view mirror slamming his hands on the wheel and looking generally pissed. 

Mission Accomplished. 

After letting the entire state of Oregon into my lane, I decided it was time to drive forward and get back to getting home. So next time you're on the road and somebody needs to get in, let them in, or you may end up with me in front of you. I'll let the floodgates open and your sorry ass will be stuck there waiting for me to go. 
I realize I was punishing all the cars behind the truck but meh. :) If he gets to be a shitty driver I get to as well :D