How to Get Evicted: The New and Improved Way

Every one knows there are many fantastic ways to get yourself extricated from your place of living. Some are more effective than others, and tend to work at varying speeds. All in all, there are multiple paths to eviction.

I chose the pedophiliac child abuser method. 

It all started as I came home from a work get together at my manager's house. We had some fantastic dinner and then a fun game night, but after a long day at work and having to get up in the morning, I just wanted to go to bed. That's all I wanted.
Is that too much to ask?

Apparently the little assholes that live across the street think so. 

I went upstairs and after taking a shower and brushing my teeth it was about ten till 11 o'clock. I had to be up in about six hours so I figured how was an excellent time to crash out. I laid down and closed my eyes, at about that time I started hearing running steps outside my window. Along with the most annoying screams. 

They kinda sounded like a balloon that's being held with the opening stretched taut. 

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!" 

In simple terms.

I'm a reasonable human being, I want to work things out with those who impose on my way of living. I mean I can't always have my way. I wanted to see what was going on- they could have been being hacked to bits by some mass murderer or something. I didn't want to miss out on that show. I wanted to make sure they were alright.

I poked my head out my window and saw two young children, a boy and a girl, running between the cars parked right outside my townhouse. Mine was included. Since there really was no reason for these two children to be doing this at eleven at night on a weekday, I let them know.

"Excuse me, could you two please quiet down a tad? I'm trying to sleep and I have to be up for work in a few hours. Your screaming is keeping me awake."

"Shut up, you're stupid!!!!" was my received response. 

The two shit heads continued to weave in and out of the cars, running behind one then making their way to run in front of another. All while screaming their lungs out. 

Challenge accepted.

I watched them weave around the cars and run around the complex one more time before walking downstairs and going outside. I climbed into my truck and turned off all the lights after shutting the door. 

I waited.

I listened.

There they are, running behind the car next to me.

Making their way to the front of my truck.

aaaaaaaaaand now.

I flashed the brights and laid on my horn right as they crossed in front of my headlights.

I got two reactions from the kids. The girl screamed and backed up and tripped into my garbage cans. The boy tried to make a run for it straight into the Suburban parked next to me. The two kids got up and ran crying back to their house across the street. I walked back into my house and went to bed.

I got up and went to work the next day all was well. I really enjoyed work, it was monotonous, as usual. When I got home I noticed a shitty hand written note taped to my door. I plucked it off and read,

"I'd apreciate if you would leave my kids alone. You are a bully. Where do you get off scaring kids anyway?"

Word for word, she spelled appreciate wrong, yes.

 I stared at the note for a while and thought, "What would Jesus do?"

Well Jesus would tell her what he felt of course, to ease her fear and end her suffering. 

I went inside and wrote down on an index card,

"Ma'am, I get off on a lot of things involving children- but scaring them isn't one."

Then I taped it to her door.

If I get evicted I'm blaming this.