Driving in Orlando is the equivalent of a wanna-be porn star trying to wax their asshole; you have to do it to get anywhere, but you know it's going to suck.
First off, the people in Orlando are from all over the world, likely visiting the biggest tourist attraction in the entire state. I'll give you a hint, it's not Universal Studios. Since they come from all over, they come from a variety of driving backgrounds which make it difficult to drive safely here.
Who am I kidding, everyone here just fucking sucks at driving.
You seriously cannot get on the road without running into (probably literally) at least one terrible driver. What's so great about it is that no two terrible drivers are the same! They like to spice it up, just for you.
You're sitting at a light behind the little black station wagon, and the light turns green.
Doesn't fucking matter, don't move.
Still sitting there.
Oh look it's turning yellow.
Hey if you could pull your head out of your ass and go? That'd be great.
aaaaaaaaand they were the only one of 50 cars to make it through that green light.
Oh- but it doesn't end there!
How many seconds does it take to cross four lanes of traffic to make it safely to your exit?
Doesn't matter! Safely is relative!
CROSS THOSE FOUR LANES, WITH PRIDE!
You know what happens in Orlando nearly every day? It rains. You know what also happens every day at about that same time? People's already shitty driving gets even shittier.
Probably just coincidence.
Honestly people, it's sprinkling and that does not mean you need to drive 25 miles an hour on the 417. That being said, when it's torrential downpour you probably shouldn't be going 80.
Did you know if you don't have your foot firmly pressed down on the gas and halfway into the intersection the second the light turns green, it entitles the person behind you to lay on their horn? I think it's some unwritten rule they have here in Orlando, cause everyone does it.
Every intersection is potentially a parking lot.
Wait wait, you mean we're not supposed to stop in the intersection?
The major differences in how people interact:
I went to Target the other day, and this is not the first time it's happened, but I got stared down. I was buying Oatmeal, FUCKING OATMEAL, and this lady was giving me the dirtiest look I've ever seen. Like,
"Bitch I bet you think you're better than me cause you buy oatmeal."
No actually I know I'm better than you because I don't come to Target dressed like I walked out of Rocky Horror Picture Show: The Cheap Remake Edition.
Bras aren't that expensive, lady, invest in one.
Nipples are great, however I don't want to see yours.
I like the way your shorts are two sizes too small, and how great the holes in them accent your green thong.
Can I please buy you some clothes?
I got a nice stare down for the entire time I was picking out my rolled oats. I then walked away and ran into her a few times elsewhere and got the same look. Now I wouldn't be so quick to assume this is normal, but this happens every time I go to the store, and I live in the nice neighborhood.
I'm probably wearing gang colors and just don't know it.
On the bright side, the liquor store by my house is open until 11' clock on weekdays, later on the weekends. How sweet is that?
4 comments:
... but you know you want to see my nipples :)
Welcome to city living, if you don't like it you should move back to Corvallis. These kind of things happen when you live in a place that actually has a target. It's not that unusual to get dirty looks and face traffic in the city. Not everything is negative. You're very fortunate to have the opportunities that you've been given.
Chill ooooouuut. I'm not saying that I'm unhappy I'm here, this is a HUMOROUS BLOG about my experiences. It's meant to be funny, if you were unaware, so take a deep breath, and relax. I'm very grateful I'm here.
It's just way more fun for the people that know me personally and can realize my sense of humor to read about this kind of stuff instead of me writing about how great it is that I found a lizard on my way to work.
Recently just read this- hilarious! Love the flow of your blogging.
Besides, we all know that your heart belongs to Oregon anyways. Though having you write it out just makes this more evident. Mwehehee.
A small comment reply- From one anon, to another anon above. I think you missed the idea of finding humor in a rant. I must disagree with your statement on opportunities being "given" when really anyone who has even seen Kori knows she "earned" it. However, I don't expect my comments to be considered worthwhile because of the secret guise of being anonymous and staying away from any line of emotional or verbal fire, amirite?
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