Things That Shouldn't Irriate Me [but do]

Everyone has their pet peeves, some people have more than others. I personally have quite a few, and since you probably follow me if you're reading this you know I tend to dislike a lot of things.
But at least it's kind of funny reading about it right?
Right? :( 

 When people draw their eyebrows on (poorly)
I know this isn't really that big of a deal, but have you ever really thought about it? It's kind of obnoxious. There's like a hundred different ways to draw your eyebrows on, and every way makes you look even more ridiculous if you draw them incorrectly. 
Mmmmeyebrowbigot.

I realized this when I was at the grocery store one day, I was going through the line and there is this checker who shaves her eyebrows off and draws them on with eyeliner maybe? Well every time I go in, they are a little bit different. Each time she says something, she says it the same monotonous way, but her eyebrows make it say so much more.
Oh miss Checker Lady, what your eyebrows say to me...

When you draw them too high...
You say, "That will be $21.50 please." 
But your eyebrows say, "YOU OWE ME $21.50!! WHEEEEE!"

When you draw them slightly too low or slanted...
You say, "Do you want paper or plastic?"
But your eyebrows say, " Bitch you better use paper or I'll stab you in the liver."

One time you forgot to draw them on....
You just looked fucking weird.

Why would you want to draw your eyebrows on anyway? 
"Well I was trying to shave off my unibrow and I accidentally shaved one brow too much so I shaved the other one more, then they were uneven so I tried to fix them and by the time I was done I had no eyebrows. So I drew them on with a sharpie."

Brilliant plan. I like it. Next time, use tweezers, they are like 92 cents at Wal-Mart. 

It's not like it really affects me in the slightest, but it's just one of those things that makes me want to switch checker lines because I don't want to laugh at her. Seriously it's just hard. It's emotionally confusing. They say one thing but they look differently. It's like the people who draw them on and they look excited all the time.
Nobody is excited all the fucking time.

"My Grandmother just died!!" (Excited eyebrows)
Fucking sicko, what, did she leave you in her will?

To the granddaughter who was always so excited....


Conspiracy Theorists...
You're sitting at the airport and this dick next to you is talking about how the TSA is only out to molest children. They don't care about terrorist because really, Obama hires terrorists and it's a total inside job. They just dress up like terrorists and do their job blowing shit up.

Oh really asshole, and what exactly does a terrorist look like?
     You know, they carry around bombs strapped to their waist, they wear a turban full of guns, and they are definitely Muslim. That last one is the most important.

Right...so every Muslim is a terrorist?
No, see, people get that all wrong, not every Muslim is a terrorist, but every terrorist is Muslim.

You are a racist asshole you know that?
I'm only exposing the truth! The government is always watching you! They are watching us now, right fucking now man. RIGHT NOW. They have cameras in our brains. IN OUR BRAINS. They watch us through pennies and have recorders in our cars. They see all! 

Right...okay I'm going to go get molested by the TSA now...

Every single fucking policeman on the force is out to get me....
Did you rob a bank?
No....
Beat your wife?
No....  
Kick a puppy?
No....

Then they probably don't know you exist.
     "Oh but they pull me over every chance they get! I can't fucking leave my house without getting pulled over. For no fucking reason either!"


Were you speeding? Because that's probably why they pulled your ass over. 

    "......."

Yeah, that's what I thought. Jackass. 


The police are not out to get you, neither is the government, the TSA, the mayor, the Pillsbury Dough Boy, the Michelin Man, none of them. None. 


If you think that you are being sought after by people with power you are fucking narcissistic. Unless you actually did something wrong and your face is plastered all over the news- then you're probably fucked.


People with annoying laughs....
This one is almost self-explanatory. You're shopping at the furniture store, minding your own business- admiring the cute leopard print on these pillows when...

suddenly....
In the not so distant distance....
A donkey cries out for help as it's being mauled by a rhino...
Oh wait that's just some lady's fucking annoying laugh.   

I'm not even going to go into this because it's just too self explanatory. 

Last but not least...
One of my biggest pet peeves ever...
When people treat me like I'm stupid, 
Because I have a vagina.

This one I'm going to use a story to explain my point. :)
Yay story time!

So I go into Home Depot, because I want to buy some pots for my house plants. It's summer time and the little assholes tend to think they need to grow a whole bunch and cost me extra money. 
Whores.
I'm walking around the store picking up a lot of pots, like probably 15 pots. Which is equivalent to more than 40 dollars in sales. This will last me quite some time since I only have to repot them every two years or so depending on the plant. As I'm walking out I decide I want to buy myself some systemic because it's bug season. 

I head over to the pesticide section and I look for some.  
There isn't any.

So I start walking around looking for help. Isn't that what they do at stores? They hire people to help you? You'd think so. Well at least I would.

I have this really bad fantasy problem where I imagine the best of situations...

So as I am walking around I run into this guy Brad. He is pretty nice and asks the typical customer service question, 
     "Can I help you find something?"

Why yes Brad you can help me find some systemic for my house plants.

Of course, he didn't know what that was, but using his killer deducting skills he determined that it was for plants and so he sent me to the garden department to meet Kevin.

So I get there and begin looking over the pesticides one more time to see if I can maybe figure it out on my own. Still can't find it. So I stand there and wait.
..and wait.
and wait.....
....and wait....
[15 minutes of waiting]

Finally said "Kevin" decides to quit masturbating and show the hell up. 
    "Are you the chick that needed help?"

Well yes Kevin, I am in fact the "chick" that needed help, preferably not your help, but I guess you'll have to do. Also keep in mind that I pay your wages and everything you do and say can and will be reported to a manager. 

I reply, "Yeah I was looking for systemics for house plants to keep mites away."

He gives me this stupid snotty look and says, "Well you won't find it because it doesn't exist."
      Oh really fucktard, is that why I own some and it's under my cabinet?

I stared at him for a second and I said, "Um...yes it does, I was just wondering if you guys carried it. I'm assuming you don't if you think it doesn't exist."

He shoots back a most witty reply, "Well we don't carry it because it doesn't exist."
   Look, I understand you might not know what it is, or you don't know if you don't carry it. Or you don't carry it. Sorry to tell you Kevin, but just because Home Depot doesn't carry it doesn't mean it does not exist. If Home Depot was the only real store out there then we'd be fucked. 
Looks like food doesn't exist, aside from dinky candies by the check stand. Oh you wanted a couch? Fuck you those don't exist. Looks like dogs and cats and any other kind of pets don't exist, Home Depot doesn't sell those either.
It's like fucking inception- nothing is real but Home Depot!   

I am starting to get irritated that he's treating me like I'm supposed to believe his stupid sorry ass. So I reply saying, "Well I know it exists, because I own some and I just needed more, it's fine though- I'll just go to Fred Meyers or something."

Instead of saying, "Well alright Miss, thanks for stopping by anyway." he decided to continue being a dick. 
"Well, mam, I realize that women, especially gardeners, think they know everything about plants. But in reality I know a lot more because I mean look, I work at the Home Depot."

Oh fuck, how could I question someone who works at the Home Depot about plants? I've worked at two nurseries and I'm majoring in Botany. How could I POSSIBLY think I know more than this guy. 

So I kindly said, "Oh how silly of me. Thinking I knew anything worth shit. Being a Botany major I thought I knew what I was talking about. Hm, I guess I was wrong." 

He goes, "Well if you already knew the answer to your question why did you even ask for help?"

At this point he'd pushed me over the edge and I just blew up at him, "Look I didn't ask for someone to come over and tell me I'm an idiot that doesn't know what she's talking about. Had I, you would be doing a fucking fantastic job."  

His face was kind of like this.... ---->   O____O;

I didn't stop there either, "All I wanted was someone with half a brain to come and tell me if you guys carried something. Not tell me that it doesn't exist when I know blatantly well that it does. You are not doing your job and you are quite the asshole. You just lost yourself a sale."

I handed him back all the pots I was going to buy.

That was the equivalent of: Hey go fuck yourself with the 150 cacti in the plant room that you know so much about.