At least a sack of doorknobs wouldn't get in my way...

I'm sure at one point or another everyone has worked with someone they didn't particularly like. Maybe it was because they were rude, didn't listen, or were uncooperative.

I don't like my coworker because she's a dumbass.

Let us call her "Amy" for anonymity's sake. I would hate for someone to read this and get offended. 

So Amy works as part of our stocking crew at [insert store here]. 
I could technically get fired if I put the store there. :)

Anyway, so she got hired and her first day was truck day if I remember correctly. Everyone feels lost their first day, so everyone was pretty tolerant. Especially me, I wanted to make sure she learned everything she needed and became proficient fast- that helps everyone. 

Had I known that training her to become a decent worker was like teaching an elephant to tap dance I wouldn't have wasted my time.

The whole day when the crew was training her, it was like a battle of wits. Well more like she had this huge vortex that sucked everyone's wits into it. No matter how many times someone taught her to find an item reading the special sequence of numbers on the box, she just didn't get it.

Amy: How do I find this?
Patient Coworker: Okay so here is the description of what the item inside is, it's a candle so let's walk over to the candle aisle. See here is the first three numbers: 730, look at that section- Oh here it is. Now it's in section A, so here's that section, now it's space 42. Scan the counter until you get to 42 aaaannnndd aha! There it is. See? Do you understand?
Amy: Yeah yeah I think so.

Unsuspecting of the actual lack of understanding, the patient coworker walks back across the store to their section to put away their stuff. 10 minutes later Amy returns with her new box.


Amy: How do I find this?
Patient Coworker: The same way I taught you how to find that candle...
Amy: I don't remember.
Patient Coworker: ...Okay here let me show you one more time. [Coworker teaches her again.] Now do you understand?
Amy: Yeah yeah I think so.

Amy walks off slowly and puts her box away. Twenty minutes later she returns again, with another question.

Amy: How do I find this?
Patient Coworker: I have taught you twice! Are you serious? Go find it yourself I can't stop every ten minutes to show you how to read the box.  
Amy: Should I get a gun?
Patient Coworker: The gun will tell you the exact same thing the box does.  
Amy: Should I get a gun?
Patient Coworker: No you should NOT get a gun. It won't help you if you can't read the damn box!
Amy: Well how do I find it then!!
Patient Coworker: Guh. [shows one more time]. Got it?


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Oh and it didn't stop their either. It continued like that the WHOLE TIME. Other things tended to happen as well, such as when she couldn't find something, she would just leave the box some random place hoping someone else would find it. Well that's the logic I decided she was using, whether or not that was the case is beyond me. 


Okay so she can't do ONE thing, that doesn't make her a dumbass you know. I mean she could maybe just be dyslexic or have a brain tumor or God just forgot to install a brain or something. 
Well then, if that doesn't convince you..

Today at work, my manager assigned Amy to work with me. That was just awesome let me tell you. We had to take all the product off the back wall and put it into it's original spot in the store. Not very hard if you ask me. Well I had to help her flex in some books on carving pumpkins before I could start that task.
I took her to the back and grabbed everything she needed because I didn't want to spend 15 minutes explaining where carts were. I took her outside to the fixtures she was supposed to hang them on and told her "Hang them here." and she turns to me and says,
"Hang them how?"
So I shoved some zip ties in her hands and said, "Like this." 
I turned to walk away and I hear her go, "Excuse me..."
So I turn around and ask her what she wants. She replies, "Show me how to use a zip tie?"
Right then:
I lost all hope for humanity...I showed her how to use a zip tie. 

ZIPTIE R HARD!!!! :(((

After showing her how to use a zip tie, I went and worked on my project. It took her almost triple the time a normal person would use to do her project. Then she decided when she was finished to show back up to help me. Well she managed to do two sections in the time it took me to do about eight, build a planogram, and then help my manager hang up a weird fixture for marker pens. 

Then it was break time. That was pretty good. We walked back to the break room and we had to fill out our daily goal sheets. Well that's not too hard now is it? Well when she filled hers out she got this disgruntled look on her face like somebody had stuck a cucumber in her ass. 
We all just looked at her.
She goes, "What do I put for "Daily Task Assignment?"
My manager looks at her and goes, "Well what are you doing today? That's what goes there."
She looks at me and goes, "I don't know, what AM I doing?"

It took all my strength to not say, "Well- since I am sure they wouldn't appreciate you writing 'Being a dumbass' in that spot I really don't know what you are doing." 
Instead I just looked at her and said in a voice you might talk to a child in, "I don't know Amy, what ARE you doing today?"

She got all offensive and then forced a smile and chuckle and said, "Haha you're just trying to get me in trouble right?"
Well I was reallllly hoping I could just drown you in the sink, but since that would land me in jail- I guess trouble is the next best thing.

For my sales building idea of the day I wrote, "Fire Incompetent People."