Picking up Chicks 101

Today when I went to Trader Joe's I met up with the second hot stud that decided to hit on me in the past couple of days. Apparently they like to hang out there looking for women without wedding rings.


What about us poor girls who just don't want to be hit on? What about US?

The first time I went into the store, I met Mr. Short stalky and balding. He must have thought I was quite the catch because he was very persistent. That or he was just one of those guys who think they are God's gift to women.


God made me this sexy so I could please all the women. 

Well needless to say he wasn't somebody I would ever pursue. Call me shallow, but you have to have SOME physical attraction to the person if you're going to allow yourself to be picked up in the produce section. That's just how it is.

Well he decided to approach me as I was picking out my fruit for the next couple of days. Personally I don't like to be bothered while I'm shopping. This is why I make it a point to never shop at places where they bug you constantly. Like clothing stores that pay on commission. Those are the fucking worst.

This is also why I don't randomly stand in used car lots. :)

"So it's quite the beautiful day out today huh?"
I'm sorry are you talking to me? I was busy examining my pear for bruises and I didn't hear you. Say that one more time.

"Yeah it's nice. A little too hot for my tastes but it's nice."

"So do you always shop at Trader Joe's?"
Well, if I say yes are you going to come to Trader Joe's and sit outside waiting for me? In that case no. No I don't shop here. EVER. Actually I'm not really here right now, you're just so sexually deprived that you are imagining that I exist. 

"Well I tend to enjoy their cheap prices and nice selection on juice so yes I do."

"That's cool. I shop here a lot too..."
[Long pause where he thought of what to say- I have moved onto bananas]
"Oh you like bananas? I like bananas too."
No I just like to buy bananas and take them home to rot. I don't actually eat them because I hate them. I've never figured out my infatuation with buying bananas so I can just throw them away. If you like bananas so much why aren't you hitting on that nice guy in the dairy section hm? 

"Yeah, bananas are good."
[I keep looking at the bananas, I haven't even really paid attention or shown any interest in anything he's saying thus far- he must really be desperate.]

"So what else do you like?"
I wanted to say "Women." but a lot of guys have this erotic fantasy involving two or more women so I decided that wasn't a good idea. 

"I like a lot of things. Bananas, apples, pears, peaches, all berries, kiwis, and mangoes. Pineapples are my favourite. I also enjoy a good vegetable."

"Wow that's cool. I am more of a meat person myself, haha call me carnivore! I do like all those things too though. It sounds like we have a lot in common."
Well what do you know? Take me away Romeo. Meat is my favourite.

With a totally flat tone, "I don't eat meat."
[awkward pause and stare]

"Oh sorry, I didn't know that. Did I offend you?"
No actually you didn't. I don't know you and I'm not interested and thus I don't give a fuck what you eat. You can eat 60 tacks for breakfast every morning followed by a swig of motor oil and I wouldn't give half a fuck. Leave me alone now please. Thank you.
  
"No. Well it was nice talking to you. I'm going to check out now. Bye."

"Oh, alright...bye!"
What? No "Can I get your number?" Fantastic- I've made you either feel awkward enough or perhaps degraded enough to not feel like we have a love connection. Because there isn't one. 

I wasn't done shopping and went in like an hour later after I was pretty sure he was gone. 
 -------------------------------------------------  

I am not going to go into details about man number two at Trader Joe's because he was practically the same scenario. Although this guy was a little more hardcore and I actually kind of liked him, although he was a bit off if I do say so.

I enjoy walking. I walk to work, the store, school, and just for fun. This time I happened to be walking for fun around a schoolyard attached to a park. As I walked around the block I watched people as they pursued their interests. One lady had her two dogs and they were playing ball, one lady had her kids and they are just sitting on a bench. There were a few elderly women walking around the same sidewalk I was- great minds think alike.
After a few times around this guy showed up, he was about my age maybe a year or two older and he was really cute. He walked onto the field and from the looks of it he had a frisbee. He watched me closely as I walked around the field.

Initiate plan- Sexy Walk.

My hunch about the frisbee was correct when he threw it across the field. I looked in that direction it was flying only to see nobody there. I was now confused. I looked back right as he was booking it across the field to catch the frisbee he just threw. What do you know? He caught it. I was pretty impressed.
I'm pretty sure he noticed because he smiled and then did it again. 

I watched him do it a few times and then lost interest and kept walking, although I secretly envied his awesome frisbee running powers. After walking past him a few times he walked over to the sidewalk and waited for me.

Hahahaha yessssssssss.

He stopped me and smiled, "Hey you know, playing frisbee with myself is pretty cool- but perhaps you'd like to sub in?"

You had me at "stopped me and smiled."

So I went to play with him for a little while and we really had a good time. I enjoyed having a cute guy playing frisbee with me, and also was pretty happy because no matter how shitty I managed to throw it he almost always caught it. Made me feel like I was an adequate frisbee player.

That's what every lady needs.. Someone to make her feel like she's better than just making sandwiches. 

After a while he grabbed the frisbee and came over next to me and we were talking. He started flirting and I (think) flirted back. Something was a little off though, he smelled weird but I couldn't put my finger on it because it was so faint. I was a bit put off by it. He asked me if maybe we could hang out again sometime.

And then that asshole reached in his pocket and pulled out a fucking cigarette and lit it. 
Do you know how unattractive that is?
Oh here, let me hug you and give you lung cancer at the same time. Oh yes I know you like it. 

That's about when I looked at my phone and said, "Oh shit! Thanks so much for the frisbee I really gotta go!"  

Bitch don't you come onto me if you are going to pull out the priority love in your life- especially if it's one that can fucking KILL YOU. You dumbass. >:/