Making Your Resolutions Matter

For many, the new year brings a lot of things- some good and some not-so-good. The new year brings the start of tax season, fad diets, fireworks, champagne, and many resolutions to make the promise of a fresh start this new year a good one. Many resolutions focus around making your own life a better one.
Losing weight.

 Making more money, or finding a better job.

Getting organized.

All of these are fantastic resolutions to better improve yourself and your life, but have you ever thought about making resolutions to better your life as well as others? By making other people happy, you are indirectly bettering yourself and your life. 

I've spent the last month or so toiling in my own mind, due to my boyfriend suddenly breaking it off by silence and shunning, seemingly due to me trying to be nice and care for him. I've never met a guy that dislikes me bringing him dinner at work and leaving him random gifts- just because I can. So I spent an absurd amount of hours rolling over my actions in my mind trying to fix what I broke. It didn't help, but it did push me to come up with all the things I did wrong this year.

- - - So as before I get into the resolutions I would like you all to consider, I also would like you to consider how you direct them. People often tend to feel like you being kind for apparently no reason harbors a hidden agenda, or perhaps an unmentioned expectation of elevated return from them. I've had it happen more than once, since people don't understand who I am, and apparently I'm weird. 

Who wants to be normal anyway?

#1. Don't assume people know you love them. 

 This is the biggest mistake you can make in my opinion. It may sound weird to just randomly text your best friend and remind them that you do, in fact, love them and are glad they are in your life. Don't take your family for granted and assume that just because they are your family they know you love them. Fucking tell them- maybe not every day, but at least once a month you should let them know you care about them. They may not be there tomorrow, you may not be there tomorrow. 

#2. Stop being afraid. 

I can make this apply in almost any situation. You want that job? Apply for it, the worst they can do is say no, and you lose nothing. You want to study astrophysics? Fucking do it, don't be afraid to fail, because you can't succeed unless you try. Stop letting fear hold you back from what you want. Fear of rejection is the biggest one. You like that girl that works at the book store? Ask her out, tell her she's pretty, do SOMETHING. Stop just staring at her and never making a move- you'll regret it later. Don't be afraid to speak your mind, many beautiful things are never said because of fear of what people will think. Do it.

#3. Give out more compliments. 

I think I like giving people a compliment more than I like receiving one, but let me tell you, when someone tells me my hair looks nice or I have pretty eyes it really makes me feel nice. Why shouldn't the happy feelings be spread? Does your coworker's hair look nice today? Tell her! Oh look, your friend got a new suit for his job interview, let him know how sharp he looks. 

This is especially helpful when you don't care for someone all that much. Perhaps you don't like the way they conduct themselves, instead of dwelling on that, find something kind to say. It will make them, and you, feel better. 

 

#4. Do random nice things for people.  

There is no reason that you can't bring your coworker cookies on any given day, there doesn't have to be a special occasion. If you see a shirt that makes you think of your friend and you have the means to buy it for them, do it. I mean, why not? Leave a kind note on your friend's laptop when they aren't looking and then walk away. Buy the drink at Starbucks for the person in the car behind you at the drive thru. It doesn't have to be much, but even little things can really brighten people's day. 

#5. Make sure you show appreciation.  

I saw this in action at my work. When you run a crew of people in a timed manner through stressful situations, it really helps to let them know they are doing a good job. You always need to let people know you appreciate what they do. If you don't let people know that someone notices and appreciates what they do, they may just stop doing it. If someone does something nice for you, send them a thank you card. If someone compliments you, say thank you instead of disagreeing with them.

#6. Put yourself in other people's shoes.  

This can be one of the hardest things to do. Sometimes you just want to scream at someone that has made you angry, or done you wrong. Instead of jumping on their ass, take a minute to stop and think of why they did it. Don't over analyze, but make a thorough judgement call as to what might have led them to their actions and compelled them to do it. They may have been acting in what they felt was best interest or good intention. While that may not excuse them, it can help you to hear them out when they explain their side.

#7. Love without bounds.  

This one is however you want to take it. For me this is a motto I prefer to live by. I may get angry and I may be snappy, but I still love people. More than I think I should sometimes.

#8. You are not a doormat, quit acting like one. 

While I am a firm believer in unconditional kindness, there is a limit. Some individuals do not understand the line between asking a few favors and taking advantage. You should always seek the best in people and try to help whenever you can, but don't let people step all over you. Find your line and don't let them cross it.

#9. Do not let others define you.  

If you do not define who you are, and you are not confident in that definition, you will be molded into what others feel you should be.  This isn't necessarily bad in all aspects, but you shouldn't change who you are to better suit their needs. If you like your weight, don't change it to make someone else happy. If you like dyeing your hair or wearing make up, don't listen to people that tell you to be "natural" if you don't want to. Be your own person. You might lose some people that way, but if they leave for a petty reason like that, they didn't need to be in your life in the first place.

#10. Have more fun than you can handle.  

I was terrible at this one. Until I made friends with people that enjoy getting together and partying, crafting, or just hanging out, I never did anything- ever. Find your people, find your activity, find your calling and do it. Go out to bars, stay home and read, laugh so hard you nearly pass out. Get up and sing karaoke and get booed off stage. Do everything, live everything, be everything. You have one life to live and you should have as much fun as possible doing it. There is always a time for work, but don't let it consume your life.

I am going to do my damnedest to do all these things as much as possible. So if you know me personally and I bring you cookies...don't get all weirded out. Make this year the best year of your life up until now. Make every day better than your last, and make it a point to go out of your way and make other people's day.

Put a smile on a stranger's face, because it will bring a smile to yours.

Unless you're grumpy cat, then you can't smile.

Cholla Showdown: Fruity Pebbles and the Cart Game

I was on my way to Winco when my friend texted me, asking if I could pick him up some cereal. I asked him what kind he would like, to which he replied,

Fruity Pebbles.

Little did I fucking know these fruity colorful crisps would get me into a throw down with a cholla at Winco. 

Fast forward to when I was browsing the store, picking up my groceries, when I came to the cereal aisle. There was a girl standing in the aisle with her cart parked right in front of the cereal I was supposed to pick up. She was browsing the selection herself so I politely waited. 

...and waited.

....and waited.

...and waited.

I wasn't necessarily in a huge hurry, but I wanted to get in and out and home. I walked up while she was on her phone texting and made my presence known.

"Hey there, you think I could sneak by you and grab a box of cereal?"

She looks at me and kind of leans forward and says, "Sure, you can as soon as I'm done." and goes back to texting. I was a little taken aback. I mean why can't you just move your fucking cart for three seconds so I can grab a box of cereal?

I continued standing there for a good three minutes watching her text and refuse to move her cart. I finally just walked forward and tried to lean over her cart to grab the box of cereal I was after. 

THE BITCH FUCKING SLAPPED MY HAND.

SHE FUCKING DID IT.

JUST REACHED ON OUT THERE AND SLAPPED IT.

WHAT THE FUCK WHO DOES THAT?

I JUST WANTED SOME GODDAMN CEREAL YOU WHORE.

"I said you can wait until I'm finished. Fucking rude." she said.

You know I realize that Fruity Pebbles isn't necessarily the healthiest cereal available and it's probably best my friend didn't eat it, but that is no reason to slap me. I should not be punished for my friend's bad eating habits.

Really, I just lost it. I lost all nerve and that little bitch switch in my head clicked into the "on" position. I said, "Fine. I can wait." and I reached out and scraped as many boxes of cereal as I could off the shelf into her cart and walked away. All I heard was, "Ohh my hells you bitch!" as I turned the corner. I didn't even want the cereal anymore,

but I was determined to make her sorry for not letting me have it.

I waited around the corner as she turned to go the other direction through the store. I walked behind her, making sure she didn't know I was following her. She pulled into the shampoo aisle and parked her cart at one end because there were multiple people parked in the aisle. She went to the far end and began picking out the perfect soap- hopefully to wash the bitch off. 

I noticed her cart was devoid of all cereal particles. It was near barren, how sad. I watched her sniff soaps from around her cart and I once again stuck out my hand and knocked multiple things into her cart. Most of the toothpaste and condom variety. I then walked around the aisle and waited on the cashier side. 

"What the HELL, bitch!" 

I heard the items clunk onto the floor one by one as she emptied her cart again. I was not done yet. She walked right past me fuming and storming to the bakery goods. I watched her park her cart by the stands of muffins and she walked around the stand to grab some bagels. I walked towards her cart and grabbed as many loaves of that nasty white bread off the display as I could. I walked over and put it in her cart and I walked away into the wine aisle. I watched her walk back to her cart and her reaction was priceless. 

She threw her bagles into the cart and screamed a nice yelp of frustration. At this point multiple onlookers had begun to focus on her. She yelled about a bitch and white bread, which could easily have been taken as a racial slur. She then threw the white bread on the floor and threw up her hands. Everyone else had a confused look of, "Why did she get all that white bread if she was going to get angry about it?"

She then walked off towards the frozen foods, and I decided I had to fuck with her ONE more time. I know I could have just left it at one and she might have learned her lesson. I know, I'm immature, blah blah blah. I went to the cereal aisle and grabbed like six boxes of Fruity Pebbles off the shelf. I walked towards the frozen foods and saw her looking at sour cream. Her cart was parked beside her on the other side of the aisle since she was looking at an endcap of the aisle. I walked around the back side and right as I was about to put the cereal in she walked around the corner to find me getting ready to drop it. I froze and she stared at me. I looked her in the eyes and basically acted like I was going to take the cereal back. I leaned back up and went to turn and walk away. 

Then I fucking threw the cereal in her cart and ran away screaming and laughing. I didn't even buy anything. I had ditched my little handcart of shit a long time ago to fuck with her and ran out of the store laughing so hard I could hardly breathe. I got to my car and continued to laugh so hard I was crying. 

**Note, it says Cholla in the title, which I realize is totally racist and inappropriate, but she was of Latina decent and was in a sorority. I'm not trying to stereotype anybody or be racist, I just thought it was funny that when I told this story some of my friends classified her as a Cholla, or Latina lady gangster, essentially. Not trying to be racist at all. JUST THROWIN' THAT OUT THERE.

Friendzoning

If one was to look up "Friendzone" on urbandictionary.com, you will find such golden nuggets as:

"The seventh level of hell, where despite all and any efforts to the contrary, no member of the opposite sex will ever see you as anything more than conversation."

"The perennial location of nice guys everywhere."

"When you are expected to support a girl you really like while she searches for a smarter, richer, or more handsome boyfriend. There is little you can do to get out without feeling like a dick. All in all, one of the meanest things girls do, whether they mean it or not."

First off, 
I find it rather amusing that the idea of "friendzoning" exists in the first place. Since when does being nice a person entitle you to anything? It really pisses me off when any guy friends of mine use the term, especially when they mean it like this. 

Let me tell you a secret:
You are a presumptuous ass if you think that being decent to a woman entitles you to stick your dick inside her.  

Now, I realize that many people don't see the term "friendzoning" as necessarily that. My roommate tends to see friendzoning as merely someone- female or male- that you would always rather have as a friend than date. That definition is acceptable, although nearly 90% of the male population I've heard use the phrase does not see it as such.

Let's take a look see at definition #2-
"The perennial location of nice guys everywhere."

So now you're a self-proclaimed "nice guy." What defines nice anyway? I don't think nice is when you shower a woman with compliments and spend time with her, pretending to be her good friend in order to get into her pants. That's not being a nice guy, that's being a douche bag. 

Instead of just acknowledging the fact that maybe a girl isn't into you merely because she isn't into you, let's make up some excuse that makes her look like a bitch. Obviously she was using you- and you, poor victim, were sucked in and had no escape from her evil clutches. She then proceeded to lead you on and made you stick around. Held a fucking gun to your goddamn head.  
Only to reject you when you finally asked her out. 
It was her plan the whole fucking time. HA!

No- did you ever stop to think that maybe she doesn't want to date you because you SUCK? No that couldn't possibly be it. You're not clingy, whiny, dependent, and needy at all. She's being unreasonable in every sense of the word.

Now let's look at definition #3:
"When you are expected to support a girl you really like while she searches for a smarter, richer, or more handsome boyfriend. There is little you can do to get out without feeling like a dick. All in all, one of the meanest things girls do, whether they mean it or not."

First off if you're sticking around supporting a woman that has made it clear she wants nothing to do with you in the dating department and you continue to stick around waiting on her hand and foot- that sounds like YOUR problem. Unless you enjoy just being a friend, which in reality, is not a bad thing anyway. You obviously didn't care about the friendship in the first place if you can't just enjoy having that after being told it wont progress further. I realize that rejection is hard, but don't make it out to be something it's not. If you don't like just being friends then don't be her fucking friend. Stop bitching about it while continuing to do it. That's just idiotic. 

 Also, I'd like to point out that every single definition I read on urban dictionary involved girls doing the friendzoning. I find that so amusing it's insane. 

I have had so many of my girls become friends with guys and then want to date them. The guy decides that:
a) She's not his type.
b) She's too fat/skinny/flat-chested/whatever to be his girlfriend.
c) He'd rather just stay friends.
d) He just isn't fucking attracted to her.

I don't ever have them come to me and say,
"Oh. My. God. I finally talked to Jake today and I expressed my feelings for him. He fucking friendzoned me. Now I have to stick around and continue to support him while he finds a thinner, more empty-headed girlfriend that laughs at all his jokes."

no- they don't fucking say that.
they say, "Yeah I asked Jake out and he said no. His loss." 
 Why is it such a thing to make up dumbass excuses about why a girl won't date you? You were probably pursuing somebody that wasn't going to work in the first place. I've noticed a lot of times people do that and then wonder why the person they were after doesn't want to date them. Hm, big surprise. 

If you are introverted, shy, intimidated by people, and don't enjoy going out into social situations, don't pursue a fucking socialite and then get angry when she doesn't really feel like it's going to work out. 

Stop chasing people that are busy-bodies and like to be outdoors all the time, hiking, fishing, running, and being active if all you like to do is sit inside your man cave and eat cheetohs. 

Not to say this is always the case, sometimes relationships can happen under these circumstances-

Usually not though, seeing as though normally you have to have something in common to enjoy each other's company.   


 and most importantly:
Stop texting your friends (especially friends of the female variety) about being fucking friendzoned. I can almost guarantee they do not want to hear it, especially when they know you do suck. :)  

Making Best Friends Like a Pro-

Everybody needs friends. Some people are just naturals at making them, others not so much. I myself am a hit with all the people out there.

Everyone fucking loves me.

I haven't always been this great at making friends, but now that it's come to my attention that so many people struggle with it I decided to write a blog to help you out. You know, just let you know how professional friend-makers do it and shit. These are trade secrets so I should expect you share this with your new found friends so they can make more friends. You don't want people to think you're a jerk by keeping all these golden nuggets to yourself, do you? I didn't think so.

When meeting someone new, the first thing you should do if you want to be their friend is assert your dominance. You don't want them thinking they are better than you, or even that they're equal to you- that's just building the relationship on a lie. Make sure to compliment what they're wearing, or their hair, or weight (Oh that one's fucking gold. You can't go wrong if you use their weight.) but make sure to use a condescending tone. 

Extra points if you can compliment in a sweet tone, but make it demeaning at the same time.  

See example: "I see you've lost a bunch of weight! It's great to see you've come to terms with your insecurity and decided to do something about it. A few more pounds and you'll look decent!"

That's how you truly get off to a great start. Periodically use comments like this throughout your entire friendship for a meaningful, long-lasting relationship. 

Now that you've reeled your new best friend in- it's time to prove just how much they mean to you. Spend some quality time planning stuff to do with them. Make sure to alternate things that they want to do with things you want to do. Even if they're stupid ideas, which they probably are. Feel free to tell them how dumb their ideas are and how much you don't want to do them- you don't want to deceive them and make them think they have cool interests. Remember that part about building a relationship on a lie? Yeah. 

After making plans to do stuff a few weeks in advance, you should wait until 30 minutes before going out and call your new best friend to cancel your plans. People LOVE when you do that, it's a real eye-opener as to how much you care about them and their time. It's even better if you just don't show up without calling. This is great because you're sending them to that bar to meet you and when you don't show they have opportunities to meet other people. That way you're not being selfish and keeping them tied down. 

Don't be that fucking asshole that makes them always hang out with you and nobody else. That's just rude. 

 Make sure to have a really great excuse like, "I'm tired." or my personal favourite, "My boyfriend asked me to go out with him and I agreed so I won't be coming out with you." 

 It's even BETTER if you live with your boyfriend and always see him. 

By this point there's no way your new best friend and you aren't joined at the hip. You are what best friend is made of. 

By now I'm sure you've already addressed this, but it's great to talk about anyway- how to deal with your different views on controversial issues. 

You know I cannot express how important this is when dealing with your friends. If you do it wrong, you'll lose all your hard work! Everyone knows having 1000 friends on Facebook is the most important aspect in social media. Networking, networking, networking. 

First off, whenever a controversial subject comes up, demand to talk about it. If your friend tells you that they are uncomfortable talking about it, or just want to leave that subject alone, make sure to push anyway. You're helping them by making them learn to deal with sensitive subjects. There are two ways this scenario will go when your friends open up with you and discuss their views:

They agree with you: Great! You're done!

They disagree with you: Make them fucking see it your way.

There is no possible way in hell you can be friends with someone that thinks that abortion is okay, or that gay marriage should be legalized! Fuck that shit- you can't just let them walk around thinking those incorrect thoughts. None of your friends can have different views than you.

Let me just say how many times I was relieved to be told that I was wrong. Because there is only one way to see things, and only ONE right way to believe. It was such a great feeling to know that my friends loved me enough to force their correct beliefs on me instead of letting me walk around ignorant. Dodged that bullet. 

Friends don't let friends get ass raped by ignorance. 

Continue to force your ideas on them until they agree with you. Look up 500 biased sources and shove them in your friend's face and post them on their Facebook wall. If it's something serious like gay marriage, make sure to let them know that if that was legalized anyone could get married. Make sure they knew their mother could get married to her toaster and make illegitimate toast babies. Just tell them anything and everything to make them realize how wrong they are.

It doesn't fucking matter if you're lying!

Romney does it all the time. 

Whoa shit did I say that. 

 Sorry. No not really. But that's okay, because I'm too lazy to force you to see it my way- because I'm a bad friend.

 CONTRADICTORY BITCH.

Haters gonna hate.

 

Using these techniques you'll make so many friends you won't know what to do with them.