Happy Fucking New Year

Hello there, my lovely followers. It seems a new year is upon us! This means all the more opportunities for me to find more things that I dislike and write about them! Since that is practically all I do, right?

TRICK QUESTION. TEE HEE EITHER WAY YOU LOSE. :D

Anyways, today I'd like to discuss a very important topic with my loyal loving followers,  

Attention Seeking Whiners With Too Much Time On Their Hands

We all know one.
Perhaps you are one.
Chew on that for a while. 
Anyway, it all starts with some person that texts you while your driving in the car somewhere. Of course, being the intelligent and caring person you are, you don't check your text messages while you're driving. You don't want to be that asshole that is checking their texts and kills five people all over a text that says, "Hey u wuts up!?"

After two turns and a block your phone is incessantly buzzing in your pocket like a cheap vibrator. What the fuck is so important that someone feels the need to text you so much that your upper thigh is numb? Good thing you're almost to wherever the fuck you're going. Probably Taco Bell, since you're a fatty that loves those Frito Burritos that are there for a limited time only.  

But like I was saying. You get there and instead of getting right out of your car and getting that delicious limited time only Frito Burrito, you pull your goddamn Blackberry out of your pocket and look at it. 

13 New Messages
WHAT THE FUCK?

Alright there must be an emergency. 

Text 1: Hey whats up?

Text 2: R u busy?

Text 3: Hey I need to talk to u.

Text 4: Why r u not responding!?

Text 5: its important!

Text 6: fine apparently u just dont care

Text 7: whatevr i didnt wanna talk to u anyway

Text 8: Plz respond i need to talk to uuuu!

Text 9: hey r u mad at me?

Just keep scrolling, there's bound to be one about their house on fire, dog exploding, car crashing, baby choking, rapture calling, domestic violence, drug bust, giraffe murder, or something important....something.

Text 10:  wut did i do?

Text 11: plz answer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Text 12: Y cant u just answer! i need u!

This is it, the most important text, has to be the one stating the actual emergency.

Text 13: k txt me when ur free i guess.

Mother fucker are you serious? 
If I text you back right now you better be dead.
FUCKING DEAD.
Dead dead dead.
Okay fine.


[Text back]
Hey, sorry I was driving, what is the problem?

Hey how r u?

Fine, how are you?

Not so good
Well I KIND of assumed that by your 50 pointless texts. Elaborate please.

What's wrong?

i dont want to talk about it.

   
Oh, I'm sorry, my mistake for assuming that after you sent me 13 texts and then blatantly expressed you not feeling up to par, that you wanted to talk about it. HOW SILLY OF ME.
How about we meet up for lunch and I slit your throat? No? Okay then tell me what's wrong.

 
  This is when a normal person asks again, "Oh no, what's wrong, are you alright? You can tell me!"


This is when I say, 
"Oh, alright, talk to you later then."
 I'm sorry did you want me to coddle you? Because I'm not going to coddle your whiny indecisive ass. If you want to fucking text me 13 times while I drive ten blocks to Taco Bell then you better have something majorly important to say or I will kill you. 

I will track down your whiny wanna-be depressed ass and stick a baseball bat in it. A wooden one so you get splinters.

Then you can text me about not wanting to talk about the fucking splinters in your asshole. How does that sound?

It'll be alright because you won't need to talk about them since I PUT THEM THERE.
I'll already be well informed of your situation. Thus saving me 13 texts and a migraine.




 Go back to your fucking suburbia in your Geo Metro with your hipster friends and 


Shut the HELL UP.