Starved for Attention

So it's days like yesterday that make me wonder why girls do the things they do.

"Oh god I feel like nobody knows I'm here! I'm not existent! Nobody sees meeeeee! I know, I'll wear shorts that let my ass hang out of them!"

No. Nobody wants to fucking see that. You know what you should do if you think that people can't see your pitiful existence? 

Buy a giant houseplant and carry it around with you everywhere.

You think I'm fucking kidding?
Well I'm not.

Yesterday I had to take my Monstera plant with me to present to my botany class. Since it was my last class of the day, that meant I had to carry it around campus with me for like six hours. When you're walking around campus with a flashy houseplant that completely hides your upper torso- you catch attention. I decided that I would have a little fun with it, seeing as though just saying "It's for a report." isn't very awe inspiring.

INCIDENT #1:
My friend Fari and I tend to wake up around six in the morning to go work out at Dixon, our school's recreation center. Well since I had the presentation, I had to take the plant to Dixon with me because I don't go home in between workout and class. I carried it into Dixon and promptly received an eyebrow raise from the lady swiping cards. Which is fine, whatever, I'd be like "LOLWTF?"

Okay that's a lie.
Really I'd be like, "Oh my god what kind of plant is that!? Where did you get it, that's so cool! EEEEEEE!"

But that's only because if Brian could turn me into that show Hoarders for all the plants I own- he would.

Well after we'd gotten in I took said plant into the locker room and I set it on the bench. 
No I didn't take it to work out with me. Jesus people...
Hahaha I would have if I could have. :D

Well after we were done working out I went back to the locker room- the plant was still there. I showered and came back and started getting my stuff out of the locker. That's when the old woman showed up standing next to me, admiring my plant.

Oh what a nice plant you have here! What kind is it?

It's a Monstera deliciosa.

That's fantastic! What do you have it, carrying it around for exactly?

Oh I have to take it to my botany class and give a presentation on it and had to have the actual plant with me. Since I didn't want to cut the leaves off I brought the entire plant.

Oh that's great! Do you know why they have those slits in the leaves?

This is when she bent over and began examining my plant. Now you might say "Kori, this isn't very interesting at all." 
Well, asshole, it would have been pretty alright, not awkward at all, if not for the fact that
We were both
Butt naked.

Totally fucking awkward.       

INCIDENT #2:
After having a fantastic naked conversation with an old woman, whose body is forever imprinted on my fragile, plant-oriented brain...anyway.
I went to Milne computer center to print off some of my assignments for the next day. I, of course, took the plant with me. A very cute guy came up and asked me,

"Hey, what's the plant for? Why are you carrying it around?"

I turned to him and in a split second decided if I was going to be serious or if I was going to be a complete jackass.
Jackass?!
Nice?! 
Jackass!?
Nice!?
Jackass!?!
I'm out of font options, jackass it is.
I turned to him and with the most sincere face I could muster....

Well, you see, I don't believe in plant captivity. I have this plant at my house and since I keep it in a pot I take it for walks every day in order to make up for that. 

"Uh..."

It does get complicated though, having 50 house plants makes it hard to get every single plant out for a walk every day. So usually I do a rotation and take only a few out a day. Then there's the problem of the other plants getting mad and kicking me while I'm not looking.

[Blank Stare]

Don't you worry though, I give them prompt punishment by putting them in the kitchen sink and leaving them there all day!

He just stared at me more. At that point I couldn't keep a straight face anymore and started laughing. I told him, "No, I have a botany report and have to present this plant."
Personally I thought my first story was better.

 INCIDENT #3:
After that I went to my Microbiology class and sat down, waiting for the teacher to show up. I placed my plant in the seat next to me, because I didn't want it on the floor where someone could potentially kick it over. Because if they did, I'd have to kill them.
and while I see no problem with that, conveniently the rest of the nation does.
I had one girl behind me pipe up and ask,

"Hey, what is the plant here for?"

Oh, well last night I was talking to my plants about bacteria and viruses and this plant here showed an extreme interest in the topic, so I figured I would just bring it along with me to class. That way it could learn too!!

Once again, blank stare.
This time I stared back, dead serious.
Then I turned away to face the front- she didn't say anything else.


INCIDENT #4:
I met up with my friend Ian for lunch at the MU after my botany class. I had told him a few of my incidents with people and the brilliant bastard came up with the most fantastic cover story for me.

"Next time somebody asks you why you have that plant, get really offended. Look at them square in the eye and say, 'THIS ISN'T A PLANT. THIS IS MY ROOMMATE BRIAN AND HE GOT TURNED INTO A PLANT BY A WIZARD AND I'M TRYING TO SAVE HIM!!!!!!!" and then pretend to cry and say, "ITS OKAY BRIAN WE'LL FIND A CURE BY MIDNIGHT!" and run away crying." 
I knew there was a reason I loved this kid.
 
That brilliant son of a bitch gives me this awesome cover story to use,
And what do you know!?
Nobody else asks about my fucking plant.