Rednecks and Couches

DISCLAIMER:  
I'm gonna rag on a redneck, and a couch. If you happen to love rednecks (or really, stereotypical rednecks) and couches, this blog may not be for you.

So it all started with a Facebook post, by my favourite local animal rescue, Heartland Humane Society. I love that place, I go volunteer and play with the puppies and donate dog food when I have money to buy it, and generally I just support and love everything they do. They are a great cause.

Speaking of, if you happen to love puppies, kittens, badgers, gerbils, turkeys, rabbits, fish, mice, rats, hamsters, guinea pigs, space ships, or breathing- please donate here: Heartland Humane

Okay, now that I'm done whoring myself out for puppies, back to my story.

This lovely organization and I are friends on Facebook, and they posted this:

Heartland Humane Society
Friday
Heartland is looking for a gently used love seat or small sofa (no more than 6 feet long) for our newly remodeled staff lounge. We would love if it is of a material that is easy to clean. Your donation is 100% tax deductable...

Hot DAMN I can do that! I want to help! Me! 

Little did I know my whimsicle fuckery reflex when it comes to puppies could and would put me into an awkward situation. I figured it was worth it, I'd seen some nice loveseats on Craigslist, many free, and I had a pick up truck.
What could go wrong? :D !

I looked on Craigslist and found a really nice one and I called the people asking if they still had it. They did, and they really wanted it gone, so I told them I'd come pick it up today if they'd let me. They were ecstatic, it was apparently on their porch because they had gotten a new one. I called Heartland and let them know I had one and was bringing it to them. They were also really excited- this seemed to be really nice for everyone!

 I picked up my friend Fari and we were off, driving to their house to pick up this couch. We followed the directions the couple had given us to get to their house. Which were really great, by the way.

Go past the hospital, turn left and then we're in a mobile community.

   Okay, fucktards- unless that mobile community is RIGHT off the fucking highway, and you have a huge flashing sign that says,
COUCH IS HERE!!!

Those are SHITTY directions, and I will not find you.  

 I kindly asked for a street name, and they gave me one and we were better off. 

I drove to the street and turned off and followed it quite a ways (thinking maybe we were wrong because he made it sound like we were going to drive through their trailer as soon as we turned off). After we got to a lumber yard, I saw a garage sale sign. He had said something about garage signs so I turned there. We went up and viola..

TRAILER PARK!

 

We were instructed to text him when we got to the park, so I had Fari text him and say we were in the park, and ask him where to go.
2 minutes: No response.
5 minutes: No response.
8 minutes: No response.
10 minutes: There's more signs, let's just go to that mobile home.
20 minutes: Sitting outside his fucking place with no response.

 His child was in the front yard, playing on the swingset and noticed we were parked outside calling their father. She came over and said, "Are you here to get the couch?" and I politely said yes. I then asked her if her parents were home. She said yes then went back to playing. I heard more voices...so I walked closer to the fence.

1...2.....3....6?
What the fuck what are they running a child smuggling ring? 

 

After two unsuccessful calls to their parents and feeling tired of standing around, I asked one of the children if they could perhaps get their father for me. I would have just gone and knocked on the door, but I would have had to wade through the four feet of trash that they had lying in front of their house. 

I got lost on the way to the dump the other day, I just should have come here and thrown the mattress in their yard. They wouldn't have noticed.

 

 Finally I got fed up with standing there listening to them scream and laugh and generally be annoying as fuck and walked through the gate to find a dog. 

 

The dog looked up and started barking and growling wildly.
It charged after me, and I was so scared I ran back through the gate and it followed me, barking loudly. I screamed and yelled to Fari to get back in the truck. The dog was gaining on me, snarling and barking.
I was pretty sure that fucker was going to get me. He jumped and knocked me over and started biting my shoulder. I screamed and punched him in the face repeatedly trying to get away...

 

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LOLZ JK!

The dog actually looked like this, and did nothing but pee on the porch and lick my hands in excitement.

  I knocked on the door and a big guy with a hairy face and wife-beater came out to greet me.

 

"Are you here to get the couch?"  

No, actually I'm here to give you free sex, wash your dishes, and polish your guns. Of course I'm here to get the couch you dipshit, answer your fucking phone!

"Well it's over here." 

Thanks I can see that, could you please get the three tons of trash off of it? That wasn't in the picture you posted, and I don't really want it.

"Do you want help getting it out?" 

Actually that'd be great, think you could grab an end?

 

He walked down the stairs and stood at the bottom, staring at Fari and I. This signaled to me that his help was actually going to be standing there and watching. That really helps I've heard, really motivates you. I grabbed one end and Fari grabbed the other. It was only moderately heavy, but it was also awkward and there was nowhere to grab a hold of it. We struggled to get it off the ground, and then walked towards the stairs. 

This is where we realized, OH HEY- THE COUCH DOESN'T FIT BETWEEN THE TRAILER AND THE GARAGE THING THAT'S MAYBE FOUR FEET AWAY FROM IT! We attempted to maneuver it to get it down the stairs and Fari almost dropped her end, and I almost dropped mine from the weight shift.  

All the while, wife-beater over there stood around watching us like we were being tested.

"IF YOU CAN'T LIFT IT AND MANEUVER IT DOWN THE STAIRS, YOU CAN'T HAVE MY COUCH, OR THE DIRTY DIAPERS THAT ARE HIDING INSIDE THE CUSHIONS."

He kept watching us struggle and then he decided to actually take action...."Turn it." he says. 

Well thank you shit head, we're trying but conveniently it hasn't worked any way we've tried to turn it so maybe you should SHOW us.

"No, turn it." he says.

OH MY GOD, FUCKING GENIUS! I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT! God I'm an idiot. Good thing we're not struggling to hold onto this couch, or that'd be really hard.

After wife-beater was done picking his butt he decided to help. He came over and took Fari's end, and he and I flipped the couch over and got it down the stairs. He then took the couch away from me and turned it over on the ground. I'm so glad, because it didn't have enough shit on it- it really needed to be rolled in the dirt. He rolled it over two times before picking it up. He walked three steps then dropped it on the ground. I was just staring at him. What the fuck was he doing?

He then looked over at Fari and said, "Well? You gonna grab it 'er what?" and she ran and grabbed the end and they carried it to the truck. He shoved it in the back and as he did he said, "Now if you find one million dollars stashed in the cushions of this, make sure to call me." 

 

I was really tempted to say, "It's more likely we'll find a dead cat or a bag of feces but I'll spare you and just throw it away instead of calling- you obviously don't know how to answer your cell anyway. Hint: it's the green button, that looks like A PHONE." 

 

I walked back to his wife, who had just come outside and was heavily pregnant with their 18th child, and their probably two year old son.  I handed her the 10 dollars for the couch and thanked her and walked back to the truck. She was really sweet, and very pretty, I wasn't sure why she enjoyed living in squalor, maybe she likes the smell of poop. I hear that's a popular fetish.

 

Fari and I drove away with the couch and dropped it off at the Humane Society, which was overjoyed to have it. The couch itself didn't have that nasty poo smell, but the area around the trailer sure did.

 

I must defend his actions though, it was really thoughtful of him to think of the feminist agenda. He obviously thought Fari and I were hardcore feminists, and that if he helped us we would be offended because it would then be apparent he thought we "Were just weak women with no backbone that can't lift a couch and should be in the kitchen making him a sandwich." I know he was just making sure we knew he didn't think that...

 

Well, everything but the sandwich part.