The Stages of Sleep Deprivation

We've all been there- the couple of days when you decide, "Hey, I'll just pull an all nighter to get that paper done. No big deal."

Yeah, no big deal.

How about six all nighters?

It has come to my attention that there are distinct stages of sleep deprivation. I have not necessarily been through them all, but in my six nights of not sleeping I've been through quite a few of them, and I've found out first had that it's not worth it. Yet I keep doing it. Because I don't feel like I have a choice. 

Day #1 Without Sleep:

After one day without sleep, it's not really much different from college life in general, except that you feel a little more run down. I was yawning a lot and I felt like I was sluggish and unresponsive. I felt a little slow in my responses and it took more than a few seconds to think up a response to people's inquiries. I spent that day doing my seven papers and attempting to study Biochemistry. It was unsuccessful. I did however, get papers done. This made me feel much better about my body's suffering.

 

Day #2 Without Sleep:

After two days without sleep, at this point it becomes a whole new ballpark. I had promised myself I was going to sleep but it didn't happen. I stayed up all night again doing more papers. What's funny is during the day I was doing papers too. I just wasn't getting far enough fast enough. I also had like seven papers assigned at the same time, that makes it a little harder. I was now very slow in my responses to people's questions, and my sentences became a little slurred and slow but really I was still cognitive and fine. I could easily walk a straight line and my work wasn't suffering. Still worth it, or so I felt. It became a nice nightly ritual to stare at the bed and think, "I should really sleep..." but I never did, because I looked at my computer and then decided it was more important to get that synthesis paper done. 

Symptoms of day two without sleeping was that my hands started shaking a little- all the time. It was obnoxious because I had to use razor blades in lab, and pipette shit into wells on agarose gels. All of these things take steady hands. I ended up fucking up more than one gel and spilling ethanol on my book. Not the best day, but it wasn't as bad as the failing grade I would have gotten had I not done my paper. Day two was not that bad, 48 hours in without sleep isn't THAT bad, although I think you're pretty much close to being legally intoxicated or something. 

Day #3 Without Sleep:

This is where things started getting fun. My ecology professor assigned another paper and I was only done with four of my seven and they were all coming up, deadlines approaching really quickly. I ended up staying up all night again to write my papers. I took a one hour nap-like thing before class, I just felt god awful after doing that. It felt like someone had slapped me in the face with an electric eel. I pushed through, this is why Josh calls me "Juggernaut" because I'm like a tank and I just keep pushing. If you've never experienced three days with practically no sleep- you start hallucinating. 

My hallucinations weren't that bad honestly (to start with). They were ants. Apparently my brain decided to take all the anguish it was feeling without much needed precious sleep and turned it into ants. They were EVERYWHERE. On my desk, walls, computer, and on me! Of course when I'd slap them I'd realize they weren't there. Which made it all the more frustrating because I'd go after these ants and they wouldn't be there, which would confuse my poor brain even more. I spent the night writing my papers and working on a review guide for the class I teach. I didn't get as far as I'd have liked, while also keeping myself semi-focused mentally by talking to my friend Terry that works night shifts. 

My head was constantly pounding and I had really bad balance. My feet were swollen from never getting off of them. You can't walk three days without lying down and letting them rest and not have them become upset. I'll tell you that. I took another twenty minute nap in the MU that day before work. God I love the MU. Anyway, my ability to form cognitive sentences was diminishing and I was having problems solving simple issues at work. 

"Um...we're out of black table cloths, what do you want us to do?"

Normally I'd say, "Just use white then, no big deal."

Instead- I just stood there looking at Mo like I was crazy. I had no idea what to do, I was lost in my own little sleep deprived world. It was hard to make the tables straight and my chair angles were awful. Work was suffering now and I felt bad- but I was only 5 out of 7 papers done. I still had more. 

Day #4 Without Sleep:

If you've never seen scary shit in your life, like horror sci-fi ghost story shit. Here's where you'll start seeing it. By day four I was paranoid out of my life. I felt like around every corner was a pit I'd fall into. I couldn't focus, but I couldn't sleep either. I laid down and my brain said, "No, asshole, I do believe you still have three papers do to, since you now have another one for your Plant Lab Techniques class. I suggest you do it." and I would lay there and be near tears, waiting to fall asleep- but I wouldn't.

I started seeing more than just ants. At the bottom of the stairs there was always this black lump in the dark. For some reason I can't explain- I wouldn't turn on the lights. They hurt my eyes, and I felt like if I turned on the lights "they" would see me.  


Has anyone reading my blog played Minecraft? Well my old roommate, Brian, did. They had monsters called Enderman, and they wouldn't attack you until you looked at them. Well that's what the lump at the bottom of my stairs would do. I'd look down at the door, waiting for it to burst into flames or something, and see that looming black lump at the bottom of the stairs. I don't know what my brain was trying to conceive was down there, but it was there. If I stared at it long enough it would begin to move. It would start vibrating and begin to rock back and forth. Then an arm would reach up to the stair above where it was. Then if I kept staring, which I always would because I was too tired to realize that I was falling into my own brain's trap, it would stand fully to a tall thin figure. 


I would continue to stare at it for a good 60 seconds before it would start climbing the stairs towards me. Quickly, mind you. I wasn't quick enough to realize it before this thing was half-way up the stairs and I would run into my room and lock the door. I would sit there and wait, holding my breath, waiting for that thing to start ransacking the door. It never did though, because it didn't really exist. I began to hear voices, and it was like a battle to concentrate because I would hear legitimate conversations next to me. All my days had blurred together and I was unsure that it was Monday, other than the fact that I had the day off because it was Memorial Day. 


I don't have anyone that's ever home, Brian is gone in Portland, and Lilly just is never here. I'm alone nearly all the time and that makes it really easy for your brain to go crazy and think up great shit. If you ever get to four days without sleep, I suggest you stop- and go to sleep- because it only gets worse. 

Day #5 Without Sleep:

By this point, my body had understandably decided that I was never going to sleep again. I looked like a mess. I seriously looked like I'd just gotten into a car accident. My hair had not been brushed in five days, I'd showered, thankfully, but I hadn't taken care of myself otherwise. I brushed my teeth, took showers, put deodorant on...but I didn't wear make-up, didn't brush my hair, didn't give a shit. I had (still have) huge rings under my eyes and my face looked pale and sickly. I went into work and before I did I rinsed my face with water and pumped myself up on caffeine so that I'd look semi normal.  

My hallucinations had come to a steady line of the same bullshit every time I went certain places, but didn't get worse. I began to feel...better. .I felt like I had just slept 10 hours and was ready to go. I had energy and wasn't groggy. Apparently my body had dipped into the reserves of my soul and had begun feeding on it in order to survive. Anyway, it was alright, because I had six of my seven papers done. I could sleep peacefully that night knowing that I had done all my work!

Just kidding.

That day we were going out into the field for Plant Ecology. Guess who got assigned yet another paper? I was displeased, as I was to the point I had to focus REALLY hard to walk, and I had given up driving because I realized that it was unsafe to do so. I hope you all realize these weren't little dinky one page papers double spaced. These were massive mother fuckers and the majority weren't allowed to be double spaced. I noticed recently that at about day five I became infatuated with doors. 

Yes, doors.

But that doesn't make much sense, does it? Well if you came into my house, I have four doors in my house, three of which are normally open since Lilly doesn't live here. I would leave the bathroom door open, my closet door open, my bedroom door open, and if it was really hot I'd open Lilly's door to let in some air. I began to close them. I was legitimately afraid of open doors. I didn't consciously do it. I just did. I was afraid of what was behind them, all the time. It carried over to work, I didn't like walking by closets that were dark and the doors were open. I was paranoid and my vision had tunneled. 

You're probably thinking I'm a stupid asshole that should just sleep at this point. I couldn't. I really, really tried. I laid in bed for three hours, deliberately ignoring my papers. I just wanted to sleep, I wanted nothing more than to sleep. I tried taking some Benedryl because my friend suggested that, since it made me fall asleep last time I took it. That didn't work.  It just made me really dizzy and feel like I was going to throw up. 

Symptoms of five day sleep deprivation:

- Shaky hands, no balance, and slow response time.

- No response to pain, I cut myself on a knife and I didn't even register it while staring at my bleeding hand. Never did. I put a band-aid and while it would have been a sharp pain that stung, it didn't. I felt a dull echoing ache- but no actual pain. I don't even know what day this was because my days blurred together and I am unsure of what day it is. I took my bandaid off and the cut wasn't there, sooo I may have imagined cutting myself too. 

 - Hallucinations: Ants, creepy thin men at the bottom of the stairs, movements out of the corners of my eyes, door knobs twisting, the fun shit.

- Body aches and pains (gone by about day 4).

- Slowed reaction time and very stressed responses to questions. It took probably quadruple the amount of time to complete a simple response for someone at work or in class. I was slurring my words and I had no idea why I was repeating myself, but I did.

- Body's resistance to sleep. It's as though it had forgotten how to sleep. I had taken quick short naps but my body would wake up shortly after for whatever reason, and refuse to go back to sleep. 

 - More I cant think of. 

Day #6 Without Sleep:

This was by far the worst day of my life. I was to the point where I was falling apart. I couldn't think, but I had done all but one paper. One. The biggest and baddest, but I was done enough that I felt like I could sleep. I took a short 3 hour nap today. (Yes this is today, and yes 3 hours is short.) 


I had the worst nightmares and sleep paralysis I've ever had in my life. I dreamed of fire and death and loud noises. I have a fear of loud noises anyway, and in my head all I heard was terrible grinding noises and screaming. So much screaming. I became fully aware and awake but couldn't move. I've had this happen before when I'm sleep deprived. I couldn't open my eyes and I felt like I had hands touching me all over. I was having a fucking panic attack in my sleep, and couldn't get up.


This definitely didn't make sleeping any easier. I just want to feel better. I really do. Why can't I sleep? I don't know. But I'm going to try (again) after this to see if I can. If I can't, it's time to go to the student health center. Something I should have done about 4 days ago, but figured I didn't need to because there are other people that do it worse- but they drink energy drinks constantly. I would drink coffee but I would often go 6 - 7 hours between caffeine intake which nearly killed me. 


I'm still trying to sort out what I've written and what I haven't. I don't have any idea what I wrote, as I don't remember writing it, but I've already had two handed back and I got As on both. So either I'm very good at writing while brain dead, or the teachers pity me. All my days have blurred together and I kind of remember going to work, kind of remember seeing people, kind of remember living. But not really.

I had no idea how much I needed someone. Just someone to tell me that it's going to be okay, that they love me, and that even though I'm borderline psychotic right now, and an insomniac, I'm still a good person. I keep telling myself it's okay- "fuck everyone I don't need them. Don't want to talk to me? Fine- delete you off facebook, and quit talking to you." That attitude. This is a bad angle, do not take it.

 Appreciate your abilities.

Take nothing for granted.

Waste no time unless desired.

Keep pushing.

Here we are, Juggernaut.