Just so you people know.

So I just wanted you guys to know that I deactivated my face book and I am in fact NOT BLOCKING YOU. It's been a real problem, distracting, drama, and I just wanted a break. So I'll be back when I'm not so busy. Promise.

Starved for Attention

So it's days like yesterday that make me wonder why girls do the things they do.

"Oh god I feel like nobody knows I'm here! I'm not existent! Nobody sees meeeeee! I know, I'll wear shorts that let my ass hang out of them!"

No. Nobody wants to fucking see that. You know what you should do if you think that people can't see your pitiful existence? 

Buy a giant houseplant and carry it around with you everywhere.

You think I'm fucking kidding?
Well I'm not.

Yesterday I had to take my Monstera plant with me to present to my botany class. Since it was my last class of the day, that meant I had to carry it around campus with me for like six hours. When you're walking around campus with a flashy houseplant that completely hides your upper torso- you catch attention. I decided that I would have a little fun with it, seeing as though just saying "It's for a report." isn't very awe inspiring.

INCIDENT #1:
My friend Fari and I tend to wake up around six in the morning to go work out at Dixon, our school's recreation center. Well since I had the presentation, I had to take the plant to Dixon with me because I don't go home in between workout and class. I carried it into Dixon and promptly received an eyebrow raise from the lady swiping cards. Which is fine, whatever, I'd be like "LOLWTF?"

Okay that's a lie.
Really I'd be like, "Oh my god what kind of plant is that!? Where did you get it, that's so cool! EEEEEEE!"

But that's only because if Brian could turn me into that show Hoarders for all the plants I own- he would.

Well after we'd gotten in I took said plant into the locker room and I set it on the bench. 
No I didn't take it to work out with me. Jesus people...
Hahaha I would have if I could have. :D

Well after we were done working out I went back to the locker room- the plant was still there. I showered and came back and started getting my stuff out of the locker. That's when the old woman showed up standing next to me, admiring my plant.

Oh what a nice plant you have here! What kind is it?

It's a Monstera deliciosa.

That's fantastic! What do you have it, carrying it around for exactly?

Oh I have to take it to my botany class and give a presentation on it and had to have the actual plant with me. Since I didn't want to cut the leaves off I brought the entire plant.

Oh that's great! Do you know why they have those slits in the leaves?

This is when she bent over and began examining my plant. Now you might say "Kori, this isn't very interesting at all." 
Well, asshole, it would have been pretty alright, not awkward at all, if not for the fact that
We were both
Butt naked.

Totally fucking awkward.       

INCIDENT #2:
After having a fantastic naked conversation with an old woman, whose body is forever imprinted on my fragile, plant-oriented brain...anyway.
I went to Milne computer center to print off some of my assignments for the next day. I, of course, took the plant with me. A very cute guy came up and asked me,

"Hey, what's the plant for? Why are you carrying it around?"

I turned to him and in a split second decided if I was going to be serious or if I was going to be a complete jackass.
Jackass?!
Nice?! 
Jackass!?
Nice!?
Jackass!?!
I'm out of font options, jackass it is.
I turned to him and with the most sincere face I could muster....

Well, you see, I don't believe in plant captivity. I have this plant at my house and since I keep it in a pot I take it for walks every day in order to make up for that. 

"Uh..."

It does get complicated though, having 50 house plants makes it hard to get every single plant out for a walk every day. So usually I do a rotation and take only a few out a day. Then there's the problem of the other plants getting mad and kicking me while I'm not looking.

[Blank Stare]

Don't you worry though, I give them prompt punishment by putting them in the kitchen sink and leaving them there all day!

He just stared at me more. At that point I couldn't keep a straight face anymore and started laughing. I told him, "No, I have a botany report and have to present this plant."
Personally I thought my first story was better.

 INCIDENT #3:
After that I went to my Microbiology class and sat down, waiting for the teacher to show up. I placed my plant in the seat next to me, because I didn't want it on the floor where someone could potentially kick it over. Because if they did, I'd have to kill them.
and while I see no problem with that, conveniently the rest of the nation does.
I had one girl behind me pipe up and ask,

"Hey, what is the plant here for?"

Oh, well last night I was talking to my plants about bacteria and viruses and this plant here showed an extreme interest in the topic, so I figured I would just bring it along with me to class. That way it could learn too!!

Once again, blank stare.
This time I stared back, dead serious.
Then I turned away to face the front- she didn't say anything else.


INCIDENT #4:
I met up with my friend Ian for lunch at the MU after my botany class. I had told him a few of my incidents with people and the brilliant bastard came up with the most fantastic cover story for me.

"Next time somebody asks you why you have that plant, get really offended. Look at them square in the eye and say, 'THIS ISN'T A PLANT. THIS IS MY ROOMMATE BRIAN AND HE GOT TURNED INTO A PLANT BY A WIZARD AND I'M TRYING TO SAVE HIM!!!!!!!" and then pretend to cry and say, "ITS OKAY BRIAN WE'LL FIND A CURE BY MIDNIGHT!" and run away crying." 
I knew there was a reason I loved this kid.
 
That brilliant son of a bitch gives me this awesome cover story to use,
And what do you know!?
Nobody else asks about my fucking plant.

Happy Fucking New Year

Hello there, my lovely followers. It seems a new year is upon us! This means all the more opportunities for me to find more things that I dislike and write about them! Since that is practically all I do, right?

TRICK QUESTION. TEE HEE EITHER WAY YOU LOSE. :D

Anyways, today I'd like to discuss a very important topic with my loyal loving followers,  

Attention Seeking Whiners With Too Much Time On Their Hands

We all know one.
Perhaps you are one.
Chew on that for a while. 
Anyway, it all starts with some person that texts you while your driving in the car somewhere. Of course, being the intelligent and caring person you are, you don't check your text messages while you're driving. You don't want to be that asshole that is checking their texts and kills five people all over a text that says, "Hey u wuts up!?"

After two turns and a block your phone is incessantly buzzing in your pocket like a cheap vibrator. What the fuck is so important that someone feels the need to text you so much that your upper thigh is numb? Good thing you're almost to wherever the fuck you're going. Probably Taco Bell, since you're a fatty that loves those Frito Burritos that are there for a limited time only.  

But like I was saying. You get there and instead of getting right out of your car and getting that delicious limited time only Frito Burrito, you pull your goddamn Blackberry out of your pocket and look at it. 

13 New Messages
WHAT THE FUCK?

Alright there must be an emergency. 

Text 1: Hey whats up?

Text 2: R u busy?

Text 3: Hey I need to talk to u.

Text 4: Why r u not responding!?

Text 5: its important!

Text 6: fine apparently u just dont care

Text 7: whatevr i didnt wanna talk to u anyway

Text 8: Plz respond i need to talk to uuuu!

Text 9: hey r u mad at me?

Just keep scrolling, there's bound to be one about their house on fire, dog exploding, car crashing, baby choking, rapture calling, domestic violence, drug bust, giraffe murder, or something important....something.

Text 10:  wut did i do?

Text 11: plz answer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Text 12: Y cant u just answer! i need u!

This is it, the most important text, has to be the one stating the actual emergency.

Text 13: k txt me when ur free i guess.

Mother fucker are you serious? 
If I text you back right now you better be dead.
FUCKING DEAD.
Dead dead dead.
Okay fine.


[Text back]
Hey, sorry I was driving, what is the problem?

Hey how r u?

Fine, how are you?

Not so good
Well I KIND of assumed that by your 50 pointless texts. Elaborate please.

What's wrong?

i dont want to talk about it.

   
Oh, I'm sorry, my mistake for assuming that after you sent me 13 texts and then blatantly expressed you not feeling up to par, that you wanted to talk about it. HOW SILLY OF ME.
How about we meet up for lunch and I slit your throat? No? Okay then tell me what's wrong.

 
  This is when a normal person asks again, "Oh no, what's wrong, are you alright? You can tell me!"


This is when I say, 
"Oh, alright, talk to you later then."
 I'm sorry did you want me to coddle you? Because I'm not going to coddle your whiny indecisive ass. If you want to fucking text me 13 times while I drive ten blocks to Taco Bell then you better have something majorly important to say or I will kill you. 

I will track down your whiny wanna-be depressed ass and stick a baseball bat in it. A wooden one so you get splinters.

Then you can text me about not wanting to talk about the fucking splinters in your asshole. How does that sound?

It'll be alright because you won't need to talk about them since I PUT THEM THERE.
I'll already be well informed of your situation. Thus saving me 13 texts and a migraine.




 Go back to your fucking suburbia in your Geo Metro with your hipster friends and 


Shut the HELL UP. 
 

How I Indirectly Sold My Soul to the Easter Bunny

Before I even begin to tell this story- due to the nature of its content- I have to put a disclaimer.

Disclaimer: Don't be a dumb ass and get angry about the stuff I post.
Kthx. 

 "Are you ready for redemption? Are you ready to be saved? Is your soul fit for Jesus to judge!?"

Um...fuck you?

Alright so when you walk through the OSU campus you can find a variety of things. You can find college students, garbage cans, PETA trying to get you to pledge your money, food shops, and if you're not good at avoiding them: people trying to spread the gospel. 

See, here's where I don't want people getting angry. 

If you're angry about people being blasphemous- then quit reading right now.

You're still reading. Stop.

Stop.

I said stop.

Are you still reading?

OK. 

You have no right to be a pissy bitch now. I warned you. :)

I honestly don't know if it's like this on every campus, I'm assuming at some point or another there are these crazy people. There are the people that like to stand out in front of the library and hold signs saying incredibly intelligent jargon like...

The end is near.

Jesus hates fags.

Pray for redemption!

God is the only true path!

Help me get the stick out of my ass!  

I personally try my hardest to stay away from these people. Not because I necessarily hate it when people voice their opinions. I just hate when these people do. I just have a tendency to want to fight with these people. They tend to be seen though my eyes with a huge target between their eyes that says "Throw Rock Here." 

Then there are other people that are usually a lot nicer. They are the friendly gentlemen that stand at the corners around campus and hand out mini New Testament bibles. Usually they are polite and ask if you would like to have a bible. If you say "No thank you." or "I already have one, thanks." or "I'm Jewish." they tend to leave you alone about it. Well the other day I ran into one that was like a combination of the sign people, and the bible handout brigade. 

He wanted to take the bible and thump me with it. Too bad it was way too small or he might have. I mean they are smaller than a freaking cup coaster. Well, he asked me if I wanted a bible and it went a little something like this:

Man: "Hello, would you like a bible?"

Myself: "Oh no, thank you."

At this point he notices the pentagram necklace I am wearing.

"What do you identify as?" the man asks.

As if it was any of his fucking business, but being the very nice person I am, I answered him anyway.

 "I tend to tell people I am pagan. I have my own beliefs on things," I tell him politely.

"Is God part of your beliefs?" The man asks sharply.

At this point I'm starting to realize where he's going with the questions. "Well a goddess like figure deity thing is part of my beliefs. Why does it matter?"

He narrows his eyes. "Do you realize that when you die, God is going to look at everything you have done in your life? It is very important to live by his word."

Yeah and when God looks over my life he's going to realize how much of my time you wasted and put a black mark on your tally. So can I go now?

 "That's great, and would be important to me if I believed in god," I turned to go as I had experienced enough of this kind of stuff to know that I would be fighting with him within a few minutes if I didn't walk away right then. 

He kept going though, inviting me to stay, "You aren't afraid of what God will do when he judges your soul?"
Did God forget to install a brain in your head? Didn't we already go over this?

"Well see, I hate to disappoint God but I already promised the Easter Bunny that he could judge my soul. It would be rude to let God do it after promising the Easter Bunny." I had the most serious look on my face that I could muster.

He got this look on his face as if he was trying to decide if I was mentally challenged, serious, or being a smart ass jerk. 

"Why would you promise the Easter Bunny such a thing? To promise your soul to such fiction."

I got a wide eyed stare of absolutely horror...

"Are you saying the Easter Bunny isn't real?"

>:(

 "Well of course," he says, "The Easter Bunny is a character that was made up by men."

Oh man did he really just say that? WHY WOULD YOU OPEN YOURSELF UP LIKE THAT?

Omgomgomgomgomgomgomg.

:o

"Oh well in that case I guess I don't have to worry."

"Why is that?"

"Because God is fictional."

"And how do you figure that?" he asks.

"Well apparently by definition, fictional is a character that was made up by men."

Blasphemy-o-meter: Red

He was not very happy with me. 

I decided I still didn't want a bible. 

U MAD BRO?

 

Courteous Driving

I apologize for my lack of posting on this blog, I have been extremely busy attempting world domination and such. Although since I have a minute I figured I would post a blog about something everybody loves,

Driving.
And something everyone does not love,
Driving with assholes.

This blog starts off on game day at the OSU campus. I had to work from two to four that day, and it just so happens we had a home game. Well, for those of you that don't go to college, don't care about football, or who are a hermit hiding in your house playing World of Warcraft- when there is a home football game the campus becomes a cluster fuck. 

Well that doesn't stop me from having to work, and since I work on campus I get to experience the amazing awe that is Game Day, and all the stupid shit that comes with it. 

I got out of work at four that day, and it just so happens that the game got out just then too. This means that a flock of hundreds of people are aimlessly bumping into each other as they scramble to their cars.

Along with that one dumbass that walks around screaming "GO DUUUUUUCKS!" 
Usually a series of small to large boulders are tossed at said person.

I got to my car about the same time as the other 500 people waiting to get back to wherever the fuck they are going. I am not an aggressive driver so this kind of stuff is always a challenge for me. I'd rather just drive courteous and friendly and not have to push my way into traffic. 

Apparently that doesn't fucking work.

So I ended up sitting at an intersection for like 10 minutes as the people behind me grew more impatient by the second. Finally there was someone else being a pushy dick and making a left turn without having the right away. I was turning right coming from the side so I took this opportunity to turn at the same time. 

Yesssssss I got out.

Well the truck behind me, driven by some hard core redneck, judging by the "I LOVE GUNS AND TITS" sticker in his window starts laying on the horn. At first I thought he was honking at the guy that turned left in front of him. Note that the cars had all stopped for a pedestrian crossing the road, so it's not like the left turn guy cut the truck off. But no. He was honking at me.

And he was flipping me off. Repeatedly.
Challenge Accepted.

So at the next intersection with a stop sign inhibiting the cross traffic there were shit tons of people waiting to get into the lane I was in because it led to the freeway onramp. Who was I to tell these people they couldn't get onto the main road? I am but one person in one car in the whole scheme of people driving on game day. 

So I stopped and waved the first person to turn into my lane.
And then the next.
And the next one too.
One more I guess can come in.
LET IN ALL THE CARS!

Meanwhile the truck behind me was fuming and I could see him in the rear view mirror slamming his hands on the wheel and looking generally pissed. 

Mission Accomplished. 

After letting the entire state of Oregon into my lane, I decided it was time to drive forward and get back to getting home. So next time you're on the road and somebody needs to get in, let them in, or you may end up with me in front of you. I'll let the floodgates open and your sorry ass will be stuck there waiting for me to go. 
I realize I was punishing all the cars behind the truck but meh. :) If he gets to be a shitty driver I get to as well :D

Why must people be so annoying?

So this is mostly just a rant because I am so sick of seeing this shit in my feed. And before you say "Just delete the people." I already did. But now I'm pissed and I feel the desire to blog about their fucking dipshit asses.

First off, there's the people who think they need to post everything they do every second of the day.

Newsflash asshole: http://twitter.com/

Go there before I castrate you.

Second. I fucking HATE the people who constantly sit there and claim they are going to "leave Facebook" and never fucking do. GO THE FUCK AWAY IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT.

Status #1: "Fucking scene people ruined Facebook! I'm leaving."
Well good. I didn't like your whiny fucking updates anyway. Nobody actually cares that some stupid bitch in your biology class copied your hair. Guess what? You are not the original sin- get over it asshole.

Status #2: "In 48 hours I'm leaving Facebook- FOR GOOD."
Do you REALLY have to announce that? What are you looking for? A bunch of people to be like, "Oh my god noo don't leave I love you!" or "Oh no what happened are you alright?" or maybe even, "I'll leave too if you're leaving! I just love you too much to be here if you're not!"
Well guess what? I'm not going to post that. I'm going to march right up to your fucking wall and write, "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE NOW?"

Status #3: [Note that it's past 48 hours from last post] "I really am leaving Facebook. I am."
If you were actually planning to leave you'd be gone by now. You are a fucking whiny asshole and I am going to track you down and force feed you captain crunch until you explode.

Shut the fuck up.

Third, the people who post shit that is always depressing and you know it's made up because it doesn't make any sense if you actually keep track of what they say. 

Status: RIP Grandma, it's too bad you had to go so soon. You and fluffers- he was such a good dog. 

Comment #1: Oh god that's so sad. What happened? 

Comment #2: Emily I'm so sorry! That's terrible!

Emily: Well she was watering the lawn and then the house just exploded.

Comment #3: Oh no! Are you okay? Were you close to your grandma?

And then next week someone asks her how she's doing after her grandma died, and she goes, "What? My grandma didn't die..."

Fourth, the people who sit and complain about stupid first world problems.

Oh my god, my parents bought me a car but it's RED and I wanted a BLUE one! I hate them! They never listen to me!

Hey I know a few starving people in Africa that wouldn't mind a red car. They'd trade it for food but they don't care that it's red. 

My life is so bad. All my friends are jerks and my parents hate me...what's a girl to do?

Well my first suggestion to you, is to get your ugly ass off Facebook and rethink your life. Last time I checked, the perception of happiness in life is 10% what is handed to you and 90% what you do with it. Maybe instead of taking the knives life hands you and stabbing yourself in the arms- why don't you use them to cook dinner? Next suggestion, if your friends are jerks, quit whining about it and get new ones. Mean to you once, shame on them. Mean to you twice- shame on you. Mean to you three times, you're a dumbass. 

To fix your parents hating you problem, how about you look at what they do for you instead of what you feel they don't? Do you have food to eat? Yes? Shut the fuck up. Do you have clothes to wear in the morning? Yes? Shut the fuck up. You obviously have internet and very likely a cell phone that THEY pay for. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. 

My fucking chemistry teacher failed me! I can't believe this! I'm so mad!

So unless there was a mistake in entering your grades and really you aced the entire course (in which if that's the case go talk to your teacher instead of bitching), you deserved that F. You make your own grade. I'm so fucking sick of hearing a bunch of babies whining and blaming their teacher for their bad grade. Guess what? It's YOUR fault. You could have gotten help, you COULD have studied more instead of playing video games. YOU HAD A CHOICE AND YOU CHOSE WRONG. Stop blaming other people for your shitty decisions. 


I'm one of these people you mentioned and I'm fucking pissed that you think that any of the above things are my fault. You are a bitch and I hate you. 
 I think that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me...and I'm a bitch? D:

Tell me something I don't know.  

 

Bad Clothing Choices

So today I was just browsing around the grocery store and I realized how shitty so many people dress. Now I understand people probably think the fact I wear a t-shirt, jeans, flip-flops and no make-up is shitty but who gives a fuck what they think.
That's right- denied.

Sometimes I just wonder what goes through people's heads while they get dressed in the morning. It's like they see a whole different them than everyone else in their general vicinity. For example, there was a woman dressed in a tube top and some booty shorts.
I actually think they were normal shorts before her ass ate them.
Now this wouldn't have been a problem at all had she not been like 350 pounds. It's like, what provokes you people to think it's appropriate to quite literally display your baggage for everyone else to see? If you were hoping people were going to stick dollar bills in your fat rolls you have some serious delusions that you need to work on. What do you think when you put that on in the morning?

"Oh well let's see, I have a mu-mu or a pair of sweat pants. Oh dear that is quite the bare selection. I know, I will wear my 16 year old daughter's tube top and shorts." 
 -And then after you look in the mirror and the Michelin man's ugly twin sister, then what? 
"Oh hot damn I look fine. I look better than her. Hopefully she wont want these back because they'll be four times her size after today."

And then as you browse the frozen pizza section, people pity the fact your husband doesn't want to be seen in public with you. 
Or ponder if perhaps you rolled on top of him in bed.
Oh so YOU were the one who filed the missing person's report. The SWAT team is on the way. They brought rope and flashlights. Why the rope? Oh- so they can tie themselves to a pole so if they get lost they'll be retrieved. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 


Another thing that happens to bother me is when I see people cruising around with stupid sayings on their clothing. What in the fuck makes you think that is a good idea? No I'm not talking about those shirts that just have dumb pictures with a caption- I'm talking about serious motherfucking shit. No really. It gets worse. People wearing this crap make me wish there was a "People of Winco" site so everyone could laugh at them. But alas there isn't.  
Like the other day... 

I'm walking around and I am picking out bananas when I look over at the girl wearing hot pink sweat pants. Now if the color wasn't horrifying enough, the word EASY was written across her ass cheeks.

What the fuck people.

You may as well walk around with the words, "I suck dick for free." written on your shirt. It's like the same thing. Or how about, "Everyone's had a ride." or perhaps, "STD Factory." 
What? No? That's okay I have more ideas.
I honestly question the motives of humanity sometimes when I see shit like this. Scenarios are all too common where it's like,
"Oh my god so I just don't get it, I'm walking around the store and all these guys keep looking at my ass and asking for my number. What pricks! I just don't get it."
Meanwhile the word "Slut" is written on her ass. Come on people. 

Maybe you SHOULD let your mom dress you, at least she won't dress you like a dumb ass. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  What also makes me mad is this all too common fad of letting your pants hang to your knees. I don't get it. First it started as kind of something you might see in a rap video, but then it spread like the fucking plague. Why would you want to display your ass to me while I walk behind you with a shopping cart? You make me want to ram this cart into your ankles.

Then to add insult to injury, guys let their pants hang down so low they practically fall off and THEN they wear goddamn stupid underwear. 

"Well I wear my pants so low because I wanted everyone to see my Justin Bieber boxers."
 Nobody fucking wants to see that. Oh- Oh- I get it. You're hoping if you wear Justin Bieber's face on your ass then 12 year old girls will chase you around? You'd have better luck dressed like Pedobear. At least he's somewhat cuddly. 

Next time you think about wearing your pants around your knees consider this...

You're walking through the store minding your own business. Perhaps you're buying some crackers. When suddenly a fucking rhinoceros shows up at the end of your aisle. It charges straight at your fucking face. 
Oh I'd tell you to run but your pants are so low you can't. 
You die.
The end. 


Maybe next time you'll think twice before you decide it's a good idea to wear your pants around your ankles. Perhaps try pants like MC Hammer's. They may not be fashionable but they went to his ribcage and are so baggy you could outrun a rhino 




Bitches- learn how to dress. Japan is laughing at us.

And that's saying something.