So today in math class I realized something.
Every single story problem in my math book is stupid.
No wonder kids are failing math. Seriously.
#34. Little Billy is standing in a forest. There's a tree next to him. Billy's shadow is 3 feet long. Billy is 4 feet tall. The Tree's shadow is 13 feet long. The Tree is how many feet tall?
Alright, so first off. Why the hell is Little Billy in the forest? By himself nonetheless. I'm going to call Child Services on Billy's mother. She's doing a terrible job. Does she even know what lives in the forest? Bears, and mushrooms, and weasels, and clowns. Rabid clowns that devour children's souls. Billy is in grave danger. What if the tree decided that it wanted nobody to be around to hear it fall so it fell on Billy, killing him instantly. Or perhaps not so instantly, and Billy lay there for hours in agonizing pain wishing he had not been so curious as to how tall that tree really was.
Alright, so perhaps that wasn't such a good reason why the problem is stupid. Okay, yeah. Really- it's a fantastic reason. Nobody gives a damn about Little Billy and a tree. It's boring and pointless. Nobody walks into a forest randomly and stands next to a tree and wants to know how tall that tree is.
Another thing- how does Billy know how long the tree's shadow is? HM? If he's so good at telling how long shadows are, why can't he just tell how tall the damn tree is?
Now if the problem was written like this it would be more captivating:
#34. Little Billy had nearly escaped his drunken hillbilly mother in an attempt to gain his freedom. As he ran from the trailer park at a speed of 3 feet per second, his drunken mother chased after him in a rage. Her speed was 5 feet per second due to slightly longer legs. There was a random pine tree ahead and Billy decided he was going to have to climb it in order to escape his toothless mother. Billy calculated the tree's shadow by counting the seconds he ran as he went across the shadow. He ran for 6 seconds. Therefore the the tree's shadow was 18 feet long. As Billy attempted to calculate the height of the tree his mother caught him and clobbered him to death. Calculate the number of years Billy's mom will be in the prison system.
See? Isn't that way more fun? As much as I love trees, I don't fucking care how tall they are.
Another thing I never understood:
Teachers and even professors do this. When they are about to talk about a useless subject nobody cares about, they always try to draw the class in:
"Well I bet you've all wondered as you stare at your drinking glass, how much work it'd take to pump all the water out of it."
Actually, no, no I don't. I look at that glass and go, "Damn that looks refreshing." and I drink it. I don't ask myself about how much work it'd take to pump my orange juice onto the table. Why would anybody in their right mind do that? Nobody does that Peterson. Nobody.
"How many times have you been enjoying your lunch when you think to yourself, I wonder what chemicals make up this soda pop!?"
None, never have I thought that. Sometimes I think "I'm slowly killing myself by drinking this...oh well." or I don't even think at all because the reason I'm drinking it is because it's so late but I have a midterm tomorrow and I have to study and this can is chock full of caffeine. But no, Walker, I don't care what chemicals make up my soda pop, all I care about is how to get it from the can, into mah belleh.
Never will I understand how they expect people to become direly interested when they provide the most ridiculous scenarios for people to relate to.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
When Work Clothes Aren't Enough-
So today at work was pretty fun, ya know, the usual. I went into work like normal people do. I went into the back room and I put on my apron, my headset, my RF gun, and my name tag.
It was time to go onto the floor.
I clocked into the system and I put on my best smile (which isn't very good, who the fuck can do this? Smiling all day at work. I'm not Barbie- my face isn't made of plastic. I swear I crave the moments when the customers aren't looking and I can just look at my feet and frown like this -> >:((((((!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, I even frown exclamation points, thanks for asking.)
Oh, speaking of customers. I swear sometimes...just yeah. Don't get me wrong- they pay my wages. That's important and all, but seriously sometimes I wonder if they even have a brain. Some experiences help me to continue believing that..
Experience One:
I'm standing near a drive aisle, stocking items into a bin. Tins, I think. A lady walks by me and I say, "Hello! How are you today? Can I help you find anything?"
I receive the reply, "I'm sorry do you work here?"
I stare for a second, a thought crosses my mind. I'm wearing an apron, an earpiece headset, a black collared shirt, khaki pants (Okay seriously, who the HELL wears khaki pants if they don't have to? You don't see people looking around the clothing store going, "Hey can you please tell me where the khaki pants are? I'm going to this really happening party and I want all the girls to see me in something cool." NO.) Hell I was wearing a name tag too.
I thought about it for a second, and without really thinking about it (haha that doesn't make sense.) I said, "No, I just like to dress like an employee and work around the store to mess with customers. It really gets me off."
Okay, so I was really lucky she had a sense of humor, cause I'm pretty sure I could have been fired for that remark.
Experience Two:
I was working as a cashier at that time, and a woman I dread seeing came in. Every time she comes in she ends up asking me for help (WHY GOD WHYYY?). Well she comes up to the register and she has her two items in hand. She sets them on the counter along with two coupons. Seems pretty normal right? Well here's the problem, I can't take two of the same coupons from the same person in the same day. That's policy- and it states that RIGHT ON THE COUPON IN BOLD LETTERS.
KORI CANNOT TAKE TWO OF THESE IN ONE DAY FROM THE SAME PERSON. YES MARGIE THAT MEANS YOU.
Still, she proceeds to push the coupons at me. This is not the first time I've told her that I cannot take the coupons. She's come in multitudes of times and done this. I don't know why she doesn't learn.
Oh she is pissed.
"Well last time I came in the lady let me use both!" she explains.
"Well, they must not know our policy very well, because I am not allowed to take both of these." I explain politely.
"WHY NOT?" she bellows like a hippo. She actually doesn't look too different from a hippo, now that I think about it. She can't even button the button on her jean shorts...or zip them up. Anyway-
"It's policy, mam, it states clearly on the coupon as well that you can only use one type of coupon per day."
"WELL THEY LET ME DO IT LAST TIME!"
"Mam, I am incredibly sorry, but I just can't do it, it will cause problems and I will get written up."
"You should get written up for not taking my coupon!"
"Why don't you bring it in tomorrow and get your other item? Or save it for a more pricey item perhaps? It could save you more money that way!"
"BUT I WANT TO USE IT NOW! I DEMAND TO SPEAK TO A MANAGER!"
"Alright, let me call one."
All this fuss- over a 3 dollar purchase. Yeah, the manager let her do it, she saved 30 cents.
Experience Three:
A guy and his girlfriend came in. They stopped me and asked me a peculiar question I'd never been asked, "Hey where is the stuff to make a beer pong table?" The only reason I even knew what that was, was because my old roommate liked to play beer pong.
I stared at them for a moment.
Um, what? I had to think a moment. What did you need to make a beer pong table?
"Well, we don't sell ping pong tables...." I slowly say, "We have tape though, and neon paint. Would that work?"
"Well, I need the table too. How can you have beer pong with no table?"
Hell I don't know dude, if you expected to find a beer pong table for sale at an art store, you're shit out of luck. Why didn't you try somewhere else? Like maybe the internet. The internet is great for weirdos wanting to buy shit from other weirdos. Craigslist even has listings for people selling virginity. Good ole' virginity.
His girlfriend piped up and asked me where the paint was. I took them to the paint. I showed them the neon colours that we carried.
"We need something that would glow under black light." the girl said.
Last time I checked, neon/fluorescent paints glow under black light. Unless for some reason the paint companies decided to be funny and lie on the packages that say, "GLOWS UNDER BLACK LIGHT!" Ha those bitches, they'll never know until it's too late! HA HA HA! WE'LL MAKE MILLIONS!
I politely explain that the neon and florescent paints will glow under a black light. But I also warned them that they should coat the paint on the table with a sealant. Now comes the question: Why?
Well unless you have these magical glasses that stop the flow of liquid onto a table after a ping pong ball is thrown at nearly mach speed because Garret doesn't realize you don't have to throw it like a moron, you're going to get your paint wet. Paint tends to run if you do not seal it properly. I mean you'd think its common sense, if you're bad at throwing balls into a cup, which obviously Garret is, you're going to miss, or throw it too hard and splash the table.
This means Garrett would have to take a shot, slowly this cycle would cause drunkenness. Drunk = Even Worse At Throwing A Ping Pong Ball Into A Tiny Cup. So you'd end up with even more splashes on your table. Perhaps even spilled beer. OH GOD NOT SPILLED BEER. ANYTHING BUT THAT. HURRY- LICK IT OFF THE TABLE!!!
Then people would lick the paint off the table.
Do you get where I'm going with this? Probably not, if you're this guy and his girlfriend.
They ended up leaving without buying anything, because we didn't sell ping pong tables.
DAMN.
It was time to go onto the floor.
I clocked into the system and I put on my best smile (which isn't very good, who the fuck can do this? Smiling all day at work. I'm not Barbie- my face isn't made of plastic. I swear I crave the moments when the customers aren't looking and I can just look at my feet and frown like this -> >:((((((!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, I even frown exclamation points, thanks for asking.)
Oh, speaking of customers. I swear sometimes...just yeah. Don't get me wrong- they pay my wages. That's important and all, but seriously sometimes I wonder if they even have a brain. Some experiences help me to continue believing that..
Experience One:
I'm standing near a drive aisle, stocking items into a bin. Tins, I think. A lady walks by me and I say, "Hello! How are you today? Can I help you find anything?"
I receive the reply, "I'm sorry do you work here?"
I stare for a second, a thought crosses my mind. I'm wearing an apron, an earpiece headset, a black collared shirt, khaki pants (Okay seriously, who the HELL wears khaki pants if they don't have to? You don't see people looking around the clothing store going, "Hey can you please tell me where the khaki pants are? I'm going to this really happening party and I want all the girls to see me in something cool." NO.) Hell I was wearing a name tag too.
I thought about it for a second, and without really thinking about it (haha that doesn't make sense.) I said, "No, I just like to dress like an employee and work around the store to mess with customers. It really gets me off."
Okay, so I was really lucky she had a sense of humor, cause I'm pretty sure I could have been fired for that remark.
Experience Two:
I was working as a cashier at that time, and a woman I dread seeing came in. Every time she comes in she ends up asking me for help (WHY GOD WHYYY?). Well she comes up to the register and she has her two items in hand. She sets them on the counter along with two coupons. Seems pretty normal right? Well here's the problem, I can't take two of the same coupons from the same person in the same day. That's policy- and it states that RIGHT ON THE COUPON IN BOLD LETTERS.
KORI CANNOT TAKE TWO OF THESE IN ONE DAY FROM THE SAME PERSON. YES MARGIE THAT MEANS YOU.
Still, she proceeds to push the coupons at me. This is not the first time I've told her that I cannot take the coupons. She's come in multitudes of times and done this. I don't know why she doesn't learn.
Oh she is pissed.
"Well last time I came in the lady let me use both!" she explains.
"Well, they must not know our policy very well, because I am not allowed to take both of these." I explain politely.
"WHY NOT?" she bellows like a hippo. She actually doesn't look too different from a hippo, now that I think about it. She can't even button the button on her jean shorts...or zip them up. Anyway-
"It's policy, mam, it states clearly on the coupon as well that you can only use one type of coupon per day."
"WELL THEY LET ME DO IT LAST TIME!"
"Mam, I am incredibly sorry, but I just can't do it, it will cause problems and I will get written up."
"You should get written up for not taking my coupon!"
"Why don't you bring it in tomorrow and get your other item? Or save it for a more pricey item perhaps? It could save you more money that way!"
"BUT I WANT TO USE IT NOW! I DEMAND TO SPEAK TO A MANAGER!"
"Alright, let me call one."
All this fuss- over a 3 dollar purchase. Yeah, the manager let her do it, she saved 30 cents.
Experience Three:
A guy and his girlfriend came in. They stopped me and asked me a peculiar question I'd never been asked, "Hey where is the stuff to make a beer pong table?" The only reason I even knew what that was, was because my old roommate liked to play beer pong.
I stared at them for a moment.
Um, what? I had to think a moment. What did you need to make a beer pong table?
"Well, we don't sell ping pong tables...." I slowly say, "We have tape though, and neon paint. Would that work?"
"Well, I need the table too. How can you have beer pong with no table?"
Hell I don't know dude, if you expected to find a beer pong table for sale at an art store, you're shit out of luck. Why didn't you try somewhere else? Like maybe the internet. The internet is great for weirdos wanting to buy shit from other weirdos. Craigslist even has listings for people selling virginity. Good ole' virginity.
His girlfriend piped up and asked me where the paint was. I took them to the paint. I showed them the neon colours that we carried.
"We need something that would glow under black light." the girl said.
Last time I checked, neon/fluorescent paints glow under black light. Unless for some reason the paint companies decided to be funny and lie on the packages that say, "GLOWS UNDER BLACK LIGHT!" Ha those bitches, they'll never know until it's too late! HA HA HA! WE'LL MAKE MILLIONS!
I politely explain that the neon and florescent paints will glow under a black light. But I also warned them that they should coat the paint on the table with a sealant. Now comes the question: Why?
Well unless you have these magical glasses that stop the flow of liquid onto a table after a ping pong ball is thrown at nearly mach speed because Garret doesn't realize you don't have to throw it like a moron, you're going to get your paint wet. Paint tends to run if you do not seal it properly. I mean you'd think its common sense, if you're bad at throwing balls into a cup, which obviously Garret is, you're going to miss, or throw it too hard and splash the table.
This means Garrett would have to take a shot, slowly this cycle would cause drunkenness. Drunk = Even Worse At Throwing A Ping Pong Ball Into A Tiny Cup. So you'd end up with even more splashes on your table. Perhaps even spilled beer. OH GOD NOT SPILLED BEER. ANYTHING BUT THAT. HURRY- LICK IT OFF THE TABLE!!!
Then people would lick the paint off the table.
Do you get where I'm going with this? Probably not, if you're this guy and his girlfriend.
They ended up leaving without buying anything, because we didn't sell ping pong tables.
DAMN.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
What Really Irritates Me
So to give you some insight to what I am about to tell you; let me explain the situation. In each large classroom there are seats that are in rows that have one opening into a stairway in the center of the room, which lead to the one door other than the fire exit. This is how it tends to fly at my university. Well, now that you can picture what I'm saying, on with the story.
Each day I go into Organic Chemistry and I sit in the same spot. Second row from the front, third seat in, on the right side of the room. Each day I go in, I sit down and I try to keep to myself while I wait for the professor to finally decide it's a good time to start class. Well, each day I have a girl I have deemed "Queen Obnoxious" who will sit there and stare at me.
She says, "Um...um...uummm...ummm........um..."
Until I look at her and say, "What?"
Then she proceeds to ask, "What did you get for [insert test/paper here] question [insert question number here]?"
The fact that every time I tell her, "I didn't do it." doesn't seem to phase her.
I get the same response from her every time, "You really should study more, you're going to fail."
Well no shit, last time I checked I am studying. Perhaps if you had half a brain you'd realize I just don't want to converse with you so I lie and say I didn't do it.
I just smile and then ignore her proceeding questions until she shuts the hell up and leaves me alone.
Class proceeds as normal and then the teacher lets us out usually one to two minutes late. That would be perfectly fine: If I didn't have a class right after that was all the way across campus. Hm.
To top it off, Queen Obnoxious sits there after class ends and blocks my way out. She sets her backpack right in the middle of the isle and wont move it. So I stand there and wait politely for her to take 500 years to "straighten" her already straight papers, and slowly pack them in her bag. Then she takes 15 minutes to zip up the damn thing because she keeps getting the zipper stuck because she's a moron.
Finally I ask politely, "May I get by? I have class in about three minutes."
She stares at me like I just asked her to kill her mother.
She lets me by then I have to run as quickly as possible to my bike and haul ass across campus, only to be late to my math class and have to sit in the back where I can't hear/see.
Now comes your question: Well, why does she continue to sit in this spot if it's so annoying?
Let me tell you:
There are about 250-300 kids in this lecture hall. There are barely enough seats as it is, and if you don't sit where you have pretty much sat every day, you get a good ass chewing. People tend to like to sit where they feel comfortable, so if you sit in "their seat" they get mad and ask you why you're sitting there. Or they look at you and scoff and "accidentally" kick your bag over while they make their way to another seat.
This causes them to have to sit in "somebody else's" seat, which causes more disruption and annoyances.
I'd rather not be the domino pusher- ya know? So I just sit where I happened to sit the first damn day.
So pretty much I'm stuck there, and I have to deal with Queen Obnoxious every day.
One of these day's I'll put a tack on her seat.
Each day I go into Organic Chemistry and I sit in the same spot. Second row from the front, third seat in, on the right side of the room. Each day I go in, I sit down and I try to keep to myself while I wait for the professor to finally decide it's a good time to start class. Well, each day I have a girl I have deemed "Queen Obnoxious" who will sit there and stare at me.
She says, "Um...um...uummm...ummm........um..."
Until I look at her and say, "What?"
Then she proceeds to ask, "What did you get for [insert test/paper here] question [insert question number here]?"
The fact that every time I tell her, "I didn't do it." doesn't seem to phase her.
I get the same response from her every time, "You really should study more, you're going to fail."
Well no shit, last time I checked I am studying. Perhaps if you had half a brain you'd realize I just don't want to converse with you so I lie and say I didn't do it.
I just smile and then ignore her proceeding questions until she shuts the hell up and leaves me alone.
Class proceeds as normal and then the teacher lets us out usually one to two minutes late. That would be perfectly fine: If I didn't have a class right after that was all the way across campus. Hm.
To top it off, Queen Obnoxious sits there after class ends and blocks my way out. She sets her backpack right in the middle of the isle and wont move it. So I stand there and wait politely for her to take 500 years to "straighten" her already straight papers, and slowly pack them in her bag. Then she takes 15 minutes to zip up the damn thing because she keeps getting the zipper stuck because she's a moron.
Finally I ask politely, "May I get by? I have class in about three minutes."
She stares at me like I just asked her to kill her mother.
She lets me by then I have to run as quickly as possible to my bike and haul ass across campus, only to be late to my math class and have to sit in the back where I can't hear/see.
Now comes your question: Well, why does she continue to sit in this spot if it's so annoying?
Let me tell you:
There are about 250-300 kids in this lecture hall. There are barely enough seats as it is, and if you don't sit where you have pretty much sat every day, you get a good ass chewing. People tend to like to sit where they feel comfortable, so if you sit in "their seat" they get mad and ask you why you're sitting there. Or they look at you and scoff and "accidentally" kick your bag over while they make their way to another seat.
This causes them to have to sit in "somebody else's" seat, which causes more disruption and annoyances.
I'd rather not be the domino pusher- ya know? So I just sit where I happened to sit the first damn day.
So pretty much I'm stuck there, and I have to deal with Queen Obnoxious every day.
One of these day's I'll put a tack on her seat.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Astrology
Okay, so if you are one of those people who are enticed by the idea of astrology, and have planted your feet firmly in the belief that if Jupiter isn't aligned correctly your wedding couldn't possibly go right and therefore it must be canceled, do not read on; for your world will be crushed.
Actually, read on.
Do the world a favor.
My roommate has recently become infatuated with the idea of astrology. It innocently started with a facebook quiz that calculated your birth number. He thought it was cool how much "information" the quiz provided and that such a fair percentage of it actually correlated with him. So to increase his knowledge of the incredibly important subject of astrology, he began his research and at the same time, began stretching my patience.
For about three days now, he has been researching a literally pointless topic. Sure it can be fun to occasionally seek out your horoscope and laugh at how obscure and general it is, but three days vigorously researching it? What a waste. Not only that, but he's been graciously sharing his findings with me. It's been quite the learning experience for me, in a sense, I'm learning how increasingly smart I am for not believing in astrology!
"Look look! It says, "You are a cautious person." I /AM/ a cautious person! It knows me!"
Yeah, you are a cautious person, I think everyone is in fact a "cautious" person. Did you watch out today when you closed the door to make sure you didn't slam your toe when you shut it? CONGRATULATIONS YOU WERE CAUTIOUS! Did you pay any attention to what any car was doing at any point along the duration of your walk to campus? CONGRATULATIONS YOU WERE BEING CAUTIOUS! Oh my god that is so right, it's a miracle!
"Oh, and it also says, "You are wise with your money." wow!"
You know, if you think about it, nobody goes to the store and says, "You know, I'm being extremely irresponsible with my money right now." Every person thinks they are using their money in their best interest. Even if that interest is buying cigarettes and beer on government money, they believe that deep down, little Billy needs his mommy to have her beer, so that she doesn't strangle him. Therefore, that would be a "wise" financial decision, because who wants to be on the news as the lady who strangled their child over a beer?
Then it came, the most influential sentence of my life...
"You know...Josh and your astrological signs are not compatible..."
- Oh fuck, I didn't know that. The fact that Josh and I have been together seven months with hardly any problems must have been a fluke. In reality we are both strained to be with each other and it causes us great pain and suffering. Why am I subjecting myself to a Taurus as a Sagittarius? When I could as easily go out and find myself an Aries, or Leo? God I'm so stupid! How could I have overlooked something so important as the sign that obviously tells me who I can and cannot be with! I can be so naive sometimes. Jeez.
After acquiring such important news, I proceeded to call Josh up and break up with him. I mean it was only best, since we were obviously on the verge of breaking up, even though I have not the faintest feeling of it. It must be there, the signs told me so...
In case you were actually thinking I broke up with my boyfriend over that, you haven't been paying much attention.
And then the "cusp" emerged. Oh and guess what? I'm on a "cusp" too. Oooooh yeah.
This means that I'm "in-between" signs and that I possess a little bit of both signs instead of being purely one or the other. Oooh well that opened a whole new can of worms. Since he was on a cusp, he felt the urge to learn about his "other half" and went on another rampage. Telling me all about it along the way.
Finally I broke down and tried to explain to him the concept of being vague. See, these horoscopes and other random nonsensical things, use being vague to their advantage. If they are vague, anyone can relate to them, in pretty much any way possible. This makes it much more believable for people when it comes down to it. Don't quite understand? Here's some examples...
You will acquire some unexpected money.
Well then, you're walking down the street and find 35 cents on the sidewalk. Then you think to yourself, "Oh my god, the horoscope told me I'd find unexpected money! I didn't expect to find this money, I didn't plant it here, I didn't know it was coming. I knew the horoscope was right! Psh, fuck you Kori you don't know what you're talking about." See? Vague. It didn't specify when, you could find a dollar in your couch five years from now and it could still "count." It didn't specify an amount or a size estimate. That 35 cents counts. Although you might wish it was 35 million, 35 cents counts. The end.
There will be a pregnancy in your life.
See? Are we seeing a trend yet? It doesn't say who, when, etc, it just says there will be one. This means that one day you could go into work and your boss's wife's sister's dog could be pregnant and technically, that counts. That dog is in your life, even though it's very, very, VERY extended. The fact your boss told you makes it part of your day, which is part of your life. You think about it and remember that the horoscope told you there would be a pregnancy in your life, OHNOESITCAMETRUE!
A friend will be in need of your assistance today.
This is a bit better, since it says "today" in that sentence, that means if a friend does not call upon you for anything it was a LIE!! But really it's still pretty vague. I mean what do they mean assistance? Your friend could ask for homework help, a phone number, what apartment you live in, what 3 x 2 is, whatever! That is a request for assistance. Now had it said "A friend will be in need of academic assistance today." and that happened, I'd be a bit more apt to believe that the horoscope/astrology bull knew what the hell it was talking about.
Eventually I looked for any way out, and so I asked Fari and Sept if they wanted some cookies. They did. I got in the car and drove down there as quickly as possible. When Fari and Sept asked me if I wanted to stay for a bit, I accepted. I stayed for nearly an hour and a half, when I got home I was pleased to find my roommate had gone to bed. I walked into the kitchen, and looked at the mess I had to clean up in the morning. I looked at the sink, we have a whiteboard hanging over it, and noticed a huge block of writing on it. I began to read it...
Since I wasn't there for him to tell, he made a very nice account of all he found and wrote it down for me, so that I would not feel left out of his research.
I almost cried.
Actually, read on.
Do the world a favor.
My roommate has recently become infatuated with the idea of astrology. It innocently started with a facebook quiz that calculated your birth number. He thought it was cool how much "information" the quiz provided and that such a fair percentage of it actually correlated with him. So to increase his knowledge of the incredibly important subject of astrology, he began his research and at the same time, began stretching my patience.
For about three days now, he has been researching a literally pointless topic. Sure it can be fun to occasionally seek out your horoscope and laugh at how obscure and general it is, but three days vigorously researching it? What a waste. Not only that, but he's been graciously sharing his findings with me. It's been quite the learning experience for me, in a sense, I'm learning how increasingly smart I am for not believing in astrology!
"Look look! It says, "You are a cautious person." I /AM/ a cautious person! It knows me!"
Yeah, you are a cautious person, I think everyone is in fact a "cautious" person. Did you watch out today when you closed the door to make sure you didn't slam your toe when you shut it? CONGRATULATIONS YOU WERE CAUTIOUS! Did you pay any attention to what any car was doing at any point along the duration of your walk to campus? CONGRATULATIONS YOU WERE BEING CAUTIOUS! Oh my god that is so right, it's a miracle!
"Oh, and it also says, "You are wise with your money." wow!"
You know, if you think about it, nobody goes to the store and says, "You know, I'm being extremely irresponsible with my money right now." Every person thinks they are using their money in their best interest. Even if that interest is buying cigarettes and beer on government money, they believe that deep down, little Billy needs his mommy to have her beer, so that she doesn't strangle him. Therefore, that would be a "wise" financial decision, because who wants to be on the news as the lady who strangled their child over a beer?
Then it came, the most influential sentence of my life...
"You know...Josh and your astrological signs are not compatible..."
- Oh fuck, I didn't know that. The fact that Josh and I have been together seven months with hardly any problems must have been a fluke. In reality we are both strained to be with each other and it causes us great pain and suffering. Why am I subjecting myself to a Taurus as a Sagittarius? When I could as easily go out and find myself an Aries, or Leo? God I'm so stupid! How could I have overlooked something so important as the sign that obviously tells me who I can and cannot be with! I can be so naive sometimes. Jeez.
After acquiring such important news, I proceeded to call Josh up and break up with him. I mean it was only best, since we were obviously on the verge of breaking up, even though I have not the faintest feeling of it. It must be there, the signs told me so...
In case you were actually thinking I broke up with my boyfriend over that, you haven't been paying much attention.
And then the "cusp" emerged. Oh and guess what? I'm on a "cusp" too. Oooooh yeah.
This means that I'm "in-between" signs and that I possess a little bit of both signs instead of being purely one or the other. Oooh well that opened a whole new can of worms. Since he was on a cusp, he felt the urge to learn about his "other half" and went on another rampage. Telling me all about it along the way.
Finally I broke down and tried to explain to him the concept of being vague. See, these horoscopes and other random nonsensical things, use being vague to their advantage. If they are vague, anyone can relate to them, in pretty much any way possible. This makes it much more believable for people when it comes down to it. Don't quite understand? Here's some examples...
You will acquire some unexpected money.
Well then, you're walking down the street and find 35 cents on the sidewalk. Then you think to yourself, "Oh my god, the horoscope told me I'd find unexpected money! I didn't expect to find this money, I didn't plant it here, I didn't know it was coming. I knew the horoscope was right! Psh, fuck you Kori you don't know what you're talking about." See? Vague. It didn't specify when, you could find a dollar in your couch five years from now and it could still "count." It didn't specify an amount or a size estimate. That 35 cents counts. Although you might wish it was 35 million, 35 cents counts. The end.
There will be a pregnancy in your life.
See? Are we seeing a trend yet? It doesn't say who, when, etc, it just says there will be one. This means that one day you could go into work and your boss's wife's sister's dog could be pregnant and technically, that counts. That dog is in your life, even though it's very, very, VERY extended. The fact your boss told you makes it part of your day, which is part of your life. You think about it and remember that the horoscope told you there would be a pregnancy in your life, OHNOESITCAMETRUE!
A friend will be in need of your assistance today.
This is a bit better, since it says "today" in that sentence, that means if a friend does not call upon you for anything it was a LIE!! But really it's still pretty vague. I mean what do they mean assistance? Your friend could ask for homework help, a phone number, what apartment you live in, what 3 x 2 is, whatever! That is a request for assistance. Now had it said "A friend will be in need of academic assistance today." and that happened, I'd be a bit more apt to believe that the horoscope/astrology bull knew what the hell it was talking about.
Eventually I looked for any way out, and so I asked Fari and Sept if they wanted some cookies. They did. I got in the car and drove down there as quickly as possible. When Fari and Sept asked me if I wanted to stay for a bit, I accepted. I stayed for nearly an hour and a half, when I got home I was pleased to find my roommate had gone to bed. I walked into the kitchen, and looked at the mess I had to clean up in the morning. I looked at the sink, we have a whiteboard hanging over it, and noticed a huge block of writing on it. I began to read it...
Since I wasn't there for him to tell, he made a very nice account of all he found and wrote it down for me, so that I would not feel left out of his research.
I almost cried.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Cookies for Fari
So yesterday my roommate Brian and I had way too much fun for our own good. See, I had promised our friend Fari we'd make her cookies, because she called my boyfriend slow, and his brother an ass. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy to see somebody had a clue. So I decided I'd make a pumpkin cookie for them, seeing as though I had a shit load of pumpkin puree in the cabinet from our neighbour Dean. I read the reviews and they were mixed, it was a black-white line of either, "THESE COOKIES SUCK." or "THESE COOKIES ARE FANTASTIC!" So I figured maybe the people who had shitty cookies were one's that couldn't bake and that I'd give it a shot anyway.
Bad Idea.
So I mixed the dough up and then I had to refrigerate it for a few hours, so I went to find cookie cutters. See, these were roll out cookies, so I needed them. Brian wanted to tag along, and that was fine with me. So we set out on an adventure...sorta. We first went to the dollar store, and found only one bag of cookie cutters shaped like flowers and a blob. Okay, as much as I love blobs, why do I need a cookie cutter shaped like one? So after no luck finding cutters there we went to Albertson's. To which we found no cookie cutters, or people who gave a fuck about helping us. This is why I don't shop there- bleh. So we walked down to Fred Meyers and looked there. I ended up giving in and buying a flower shaped cookie cutter because it had a bee cookie cutter in there too. I love bees. So I decided we'd just make scary flowers and bees...for...Halloween. Heh.
After getting home, Brian and I cut out the cookies and threw them in the oven, they smelled pretty good. I thought to myself, hahaha stupid assholes, these cookies are gonna rock. When they came out they looked golden and delicious. I decided I'd try one and see how they went. I picked up a sweet smelling, golden, crunchy cookie and took a bite. Holy shit was I wrong, those things tasted like shit. Floury dry shit. I was so pissed, I had already bought the cookie cutter and the frosting and here we were holding nasty dry cookies. Well, maybe they'd be better with frosting? No they just tasted like sugary flour now. Ugh. Stupid cookies. I just looked at Brian and he tried one, he said they tasted like animal crackers. I suppose....if you left them out for two weeks.
Since I'd already bought the stuff to make cookies I said we should just decorate them anyway. So on we went decorating them. Below are some pictures of our decorating awesomeness. I was so excited cause the box had these really wicked decorated cookies. "Mine are gonna look so fucking awesome" I said to myself. I totally rock the cookie decorating world.
Now see, it STILL doesn't look like the box. I bet those fuckers used plastic cookies. Psh, losers.
I told Brian he should go into cookie decorating as a career. He called his cookies "New Age", I honestly couldn't tell what they were. I didn't press the matter.
Overall it was a pretty fun experience and we laughed, a LOT. I bet Dean probably thought we were drunk we were laughing so hard. Then to top it off, we packed the scary looking cookies up and drove them to Sept and Fari's and doorbell ditched them. Hahahaha, I made sure to leave a note saying that they were more joke cookies and they really didnt need to eat them cause honestly, they tasted like shit. Fari and Sept ate them anyway.
Bad Idea.
So I mixed the dough up and then I had to refrigerate it for a few hours, so I went to find cookie cutters. See, these were roll out cookies, so I needed them. Brian wanted to tag along, and that was fine with me. So we set out on an adventure...sorta. We first went to the dollar store, and found only one bag of cookie cutters shaped like flowers and a blob. Okay, as much as I love blobs, why do I need a cookie cutter shaped like one? So after no luck finding cutters there we went to Albertson's. To which we found no cookie cutters, or people who gave a fuck about helping us. This is why I don't shop there- bleh. So we walked down to Fred Meyers and looked there. I ended up giving in and buying a flower shaped cookie cutter because it had a bee cookie cutter in there too. I love bees. So I decided we'd just make scary flowers and bees...for...Halloween. Heh.
After getting home, Brian and I cut out the cookies and threw them in the oven, they smelled pretty good. I thought to myself, hahaha stupid assholes, these cookies are gonna rock. When they came out they looked golden and delicious. I decided I'd try one and see how they went. I picked up a sweet smelling, golden, crunchy cookie and took a bite. Holy shit was I wrong, those things tasted like shit. Floury dry shit. I was so pissed, I had already bought the cookie cutter and the frosting and here we were holding nasty dry cookies. Well, maybe they'd be better with frosting? No they just tasted like sugary flour now. Ugh. Stupid cookies. I just looked at Brian and he tried one, he said they tasted like animal crackers. I suppose....if you left them out for two weeks.
Since I'd already bought the stuff to make cookies I said we should just decorate them anyway. So on we went decorating them. Below are some pictures of our decorating awesomeness. I was so excited cause the box had these really wicked decorated cookies. "Mine are gonna look so fucking awesome" I said to myself. I totally rock the cookie decorating world.
Okay seriously? Why the fuck doesn't mine look like the box?
My sad bees and...leaves...
Now see, it STILL doesn't look like the box. I bet those fuckers used plastic cookies. Psh, losers.
Now Brian decorated some cookies too!!....10 points if you can guess what they are.
I told Brian he should go into cookie decorating as a career. He called his cookies "New Age", I honestly couldn't tell what they were. I didn't press the matter.
Overall it was a pretty fun experience and we laughed, a LOT. I bet Dean probably thought we were drunk we were laughing so hard. Then to top it off, we packed the scary looking cookies up and drove them to Sept and Fari's and doorbell ditched them. Hahahaha, I made sure to leave a note saying that they were more joke cookies and they really didnt need to eat them cause honestly, they tasted like shit. Fari and Sept ate them anyway.
Oy vey.
.Thursday, September 2, 2010
Hello, welcome to hell!
So today at work was a total grump-fest. Turns out our manager had gone to this meeting and then came back and said our store looked like shit. I for one, do not agree, I think the store looked better than he made it out to be. Anyway, he chewed out the assistant manager, and she happened to be in charge of us tonight. Since she was upset she decided that we were going to "recover" and make the entire store look "grocery store neat." Yeah, ya know how big the store is? Yeah not fun.
So we walked down every isle and moved everything forward, straightened, dusted, insert-other-random-thing-here, and pretty much just made the store look ungodly tidy. Meanwhile the customers visiting our store decided it would be beneficial to our job security to move the shit we already had organized to places they didn't belong. Sometimes I just love customers. I was also placed in the ribbon department, which was about as fun as being stabbed in the eye with a stick. People are special...they really, really are.
There's this amazing concept I wish people would understand, if you did not already know this: The ribbon on the OUTSIDE of the roll looks exactly like the ribbon on the INSIDE! I know, I know, it's a tough concept. Now that you are trained in the art of knowing what the inside of a roll of ribbon looks like, stop pulling the ribbon from outside the plastic wrap and unrolling it!! Jesus Christ people are you stupid? (Nevermind, dumb question.)
Well, I conveniently have my chemistry final tomorrow morning, so I'm headed to bed.
I'm tired.
I'm sore.
I'm hungry.
Fuck it all tired rules out everything, I'm going to bed.
Night.
So we walked down every isle and moved everything forward, straightened, dusted, insert-other-random-thing-here, and pretty much just made the store look ungodly tidy. Meanwhile the customers visiting our store decided it would be beneficial to our job security to move the shit we already had organized to places they didn't belong. Sometimes I just love customers. I was also placed in the ribbon department, which was about as fun as being stabbed in the eye with a stick. People are special...they really, really are.
There's this amazing concept I wish people would understand, if you did not already know this: The ribbon on the OUTSIDE of the roll looks exactly like the ribbon on the INSIDE! I know, I know, it's a tough concept. Now that you are trained in the art of knowing what the inside of a roll of ribbon looks like, stop pulling the ribbon from outside the plastic wrap and unrolling it!! Jesus Christ people are you stupid? (Nevermind, dumb question.)
Well, I conveniently have my chemistry final tomorrow morning, so I'm headed to bed.
I'm tired.
I'm sore.
I'm hungry.
Fuck it all tired rules out everything, I'm going to bed.
Night.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Where do you live?
I promised art, I didn't promise GOOD art. Here is one inspired by Session 9, a movie Brian and I watched a few days ago. Click for a much larger image.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Super Delicious Mistake
So today was a rather uneventful day. I attempted to make banana bread. I doubled the recipe, in hopes of bringing some bread to work tomorrow. The first loaf did not rise at all, notifying me that I had written down the recipe incorrectly and that I had omitted the baking soda. Terrible move on my part. So for the second loaf I added the necessary soda, and hoped it would bake correctly. Sadly this one did the opposite, it nearly exploded. Lovely, just lovely.Brian decided he'd eat it anyway, I tried the first loaf and realized it sucked majorly. It was so sweet I think I got diabetes from my first and only bite. I had added extra vanilla and a teaspoon of cinnamon to give it a little snap- which worked, had it baked correctly.
I LOVE this recipe and usually it works fantastic, I've made it about 100 times- and it's only screwed up twice, this time, and when I attempted to bake it for Valentine's Day. Usually the bread is super soft and super banana filled. But this time not so much. If you all would like to try it out, the recipe is below, I know it might be weird for you to add sour cream to stuff but it's actually in a lot of cakes/breads. So don't be scared, you can't taste it. It's only to make the bread moist.
I LOVE this recipe and usually it works fantastic, I've made it about 100 times- and it's only screwed up twice, this time, and when I attempted to bake it for Valentine's Day. Usually the bread is super soft and super banana filled. But this time not so much. If you all would like to try it out, the recipe is below, I know it might be weird for you to add sour cream to stuff but it's actually in a lot of cakes/breads. So don't be scared, you can't taste it. It's only to make the bread moist.
Life Updated?
Yeah, so I've had a blog for some time, but I never use it. I originally had it for a friend of mine that can't grow plants worth shit. I had tips and tricks and what fertilizers I recommended. Did it matter? No. So I scrapped it and I'm starting over, this time I'm going to do an art blog. Although I'm leaving the address as "loveisforplants" because love IS for plants, and boy, do I love my plants.
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