Astrology

Okay, so if you are one of those people who are enticed by the idea of astrology, and have planted your feet firmly in the belief that if Jupiter isn't aligned correctly your wedding couldn't possibly go right and therefore it must be canceled, do not read on; for your world will be crushed.

Actually, read on.

Do the world a favor.

My roommate has recently become infatuated with the idea of astrology. It innocently started with a facebook quiz that calculated your birth number. He thought it was cool how much "information" the quiz provided and that such a fair percentage of it actually correlated with him. So to increase his knowledge of the incredibly important subject of astrology, he began his research and at the same time, began stretching my patience.

For about three days now, he has been researching a literally pointless topic. Sure it can be fun to occasionally seek out your horoscope and laugh at how obscure and general it is, but three days vigorously researching it? What a waste. Not only that, but he's been graciously sharing his findings with me. It's been quite the learning experience for me, in a sense, I'm learning how increasingly smart I am for not believing in astrology!

"Look look! It says, "You are a cautious person." I /AM/ a cautious person! It knows me!"
      Yeah, you are a cautious person, I think everyone is in fact a "cautious" person. Did you watch out today when you closed the door to make sure you didn't slam your toe when you shut it? CONGRATULATIONS YOU WERE CAUTIOUS! Did you pay any attention to what any car was doing at any point along the duration of your walk to campus? CONGRATULATIONS YOU WERE BEING CAUTIOUS! Oh my god that is so right, it's a miracle!

"Oh, and it also says, "You are wise with your money." wow!"
      You know, if  you think about it, nobody goes to the store and says, "You know, I'm being extremely irresponsible with my money right now." Every person thinks they are using their money in their best interest. Even if that interest is buying cigarettes and beer on government money, they believe that deep down, little Billy needs his mommy to have her beer, so that she doesn't strangle him. Therefore, that would be a "wise" financial decision, because who wants to be on the news as the lady who strangled their child over a beer?

Then it came, the most influential sentence of my life...

"You know...Josh and your astrological signs are not compatible..."
    - Oh fuck, I didn't know that. The fact that Josh and I have been together seven months with hardly any problems must have been a fluke. In reality we are both strained to be with each other and it causes us great pain and suffering. Why am I subjecting myself to a Taurus as a Sagittarius? When I could as easily go out and find myself an Aries, or Leo? God I'm so stupid! How could I have overlooked something so important as the sign that obviously tells me who I can and cannot be with! I can be so naive sometimes. Jeez.

After acquiring such  important news, I proceeded to call Josh up and break up with him. I mean it was only best, since we were obviously on the verge of breaking up, even though I have not the faintest feeling of it. It must be there, the signs told me so...

In case you were actually thinking I broke up with my boyfriend over that, you haven't been paying much attention.

And then the "cusp" emerged. Oh and guess what? I'm on a "cusp" too. Oooooh yeah.
This means that I'm "in-between" signs and that I possess a little bit of both signs instead of being purely one or the other. Oooh well that opened a whole new can of worms. Since he was on a cusp, he felt the urge to learn about his "other half" and went on another rampage. Telling me all about it along the way.

Finally I broke down and tried to explain to him the concept of  being vague. See, these horoscopes and other random nonsensical things, use being vague to their advantage. If they are vague, anyone can relate to them, in pretty much any way possible. This makes it much more believable for people when it comes down to it. Don't quite understand? Here's some examples...

You will acquire some unexpected money.
 Well then, you're walking down the street and find 35 cents on the sidewalk. Then you think to yourself, "Oh my god, the horoscope told me I'd find unexpected money! I didn't expect to find this money, I didn't plant it here, I didn't know it was coming. I knew the horoscope was right! Psh, fuck you Kori you don't know what you're talking about." See? Vague. It didn't specify when, you could find a dollar in your couch five years from now and it could still "count." It didn't specify an amount or a size estimate. That 35 cents counts. Although you might wish it was 35 million, 35 cents counts. The end.

There will be a pregnancy in your life.
  See? Are we seeing a trend yet? It doesn't say who, when, etc, it just says there will be one. This means that one day you could go into work and your boss's wife's sister's dog could be pregnant and technically, that counts. That dog is in your life, even though it's very, very, VERY extended. The fact your boss told you makes it part of your day, which is part of your life. You think about it and remember that the horoscope told you there would be a pregnancy in your life, OHNOESITCAMETRUE!

A friend will be in need of your assistance today.
  This is a bit better, since it says "today" in that sentence, that means if a friend does not call upon you for anything it was a LIE!! But really it's still pretty vague. I mean what do they mean assistance? Your friend could ask for homework help, a phone number, what apartment you live in, what 3 x 2 is, whatever! That is a request for assistance. Now had it said "A friend will be in need of academic assistance today." and that happened, I'd be a bit more apt to believe that the horoscope/astrology bull knew what the hell it was talking about.

Eventually I looked for any way out, and so I asked Fari and Sept if they wanted some cookies. They did. I got in the car and drove down there as quickly as possible. When Fari and Sept asked me if I wanted to stay for a bit, I accepted. I stayed for nearly an hour and a half, when I got home I was pleased to find my roommate had gone to bed. I walked into the kitchen, and looked at the mess I had to clean up in the morning. I looked at the sink, we have a whiteboard hanging over it, and noticed a huge block of writing on it. I began to read it...

Since I wasn't there for him to tell, he made a very nice account of all he found and wrote it down for me, so that I would not feel left out of his research.

I almost cried.