What Internet Clips Have Taught Me

So I was watching internet clips the other day as I lounged around procrastinating all the lovely shit I needed to do. I had surfed Youtube and WIMP and many other of these internet video compilation sites.

Well there's your first problem. 

So after watching a few I stumbled upon one that showed a girl videotaping people eating at a buffet. Why was she doing this? Hell if I know. Maybe she secretly has a fetish with people eating. 

You think that's weird- look up "Weird Fetishes" on Google. Use Google images for extreme pleasure.
Just kidding don't do that.

It's not my fault if you do that.

So I was watching and a few things about the video really irked the shit out of me. After I thought about it, I've seen similar shit before but it never really poked me in the eye. When I was younger my grandparents enjoyed eating at buffets so I was dragged along. I never really liked the concept of a buffet, it always seemed a bit unsanitary and slightly gross to me. 

Let me elaborate as to what I am talking about.

Haha suckers you'll never want to eat a buffet again. 

1. Man walking from aisle to aisle picking food up and then putting it back, after cleverly realizing that the food doesn't look any more appetizing AFTER it's been pulled from a metal warming cocoon. 

Okay seriously dude. That is fucking disgusting. Nobody wants to eat that food after your nasty little sausages have danced all over it. It's bad enough that the server bringing out the french fries dropped the tray on the way out and then stuffed the fries back into the tray. 
Did I say that outloud? 
The fact that you're trying to be sneaky about it by cleverly tilting your plate and letting it accidentally fall into the McDonald's style "Fresh Keeper Deluxe" warming tray makes it even more despicable.
Hey while you're at it, why don't you lick all the silverware and wipe your nose in the napkins and put them back? After that you can draw smiley faces with your greasy fingers on every single plate in the clean pile. BRILLIANT.  

2. Lady over filling her cup with ice and pouring it into the metal grate. Deciding that she doesn't have enough ice now and then refilling her cup again, only to dump it back into the grate. Repeat four times.

So I realize that having the correct ratio of ice to Coke is something that if done incorrectly, could possibly throw Neptune off balance and ruin your wedding. Did you every realize that this is a buffet? Do you realize what that means? You can have as much damn Coke as you want. You could pay your $12.50 and drink 5,000 calories of Coke if it made you fucking happy. They don't care!
This being said, WHO CARES ABOUT HOW MUCH ICE IS IN YOUR CUP?
It's not like you're being ripped off because you put too much ice and it filled the precious cup space that the Coke is supposed to be in. You can come back and get more Coke.
I promise. No- really.

No lady. move- there's a line.

3. Man fills his plate to the point where he almost has to rent a forklift to get it to his table. 

So this one was really something that bugged the complete shit out of me. It's like the guy went to every single hot pocket of food on each aisle and got something for his plate. His plate was so full, there were glory seekers attempting to climb it by the time he was sitting at his table. The guy sets it down and the table sags three inches lower. Not only that, but after stuffing his plate to capacity, he eats maybe 1/3 of it and then gets up to get another plate of food. 
Note that this is stupid because he's already tried everything in the buffet. 
Let me give you some advice: next time you feel like filling your plate with enough food to feed a small orphanage, stop and imagine this scenario...
As you sit at your table six starving African children are staring at your plate wanting you to share. That's more food than they have probably seen in their six years of life that they are lucky (or cursed, depending on your perspective) to have lived due to Malaria and AIDS. As you stuff your sorry face with food you aren't enjoying they are starving to death. How does that make you feel?
Hopefully really bad, cause if you are enjoying little children starving you are a fucking sick twisted freak. 

Best part of it all, After he stuffs his face with the equivalence of six plates of food spread over about 13 plates of food partially eaten, he unbuttons his pants to relax his over stuffed gut. 

I hope you get attacked in an alley and eaten by rabid cats. 
 Fucking food waster, I understand it's all you can eat- that doesn't translate to "All You Can Waste!"in ANY language.
Bitches. 

4. People eating so loudly that the employees over at Petco keep checking to make sure there aren't dogs loose and devouring the kitty litter.   

Like I even really need to explain this one. But seriously the people who make those fucking obnoxious smacking noises while they eat make me crazy. Smacking is completely unnecessary and if you continue to make those  obscene noises I might just have to dump a cup of ice down your blouse.  
You think I'm kidding?
Keep smacking like a cow. I dare you.




I am not really a fan of eating out to begin with. I tend to feel uncomfortable, that and being nearly vegan (now) there isn't much out there for me. But enough about me, next time you go out eating you should people watch. It's fun, in a cynical "I hate people" sort of way. 

nomnomnomnomnom. 

Unconventional Jobs for the Unemployed

So as well all know, our economy here in the United States is very well...it sucks. So a lot of people are unemployed. I know it's extremely hard to find a job, no matter where you live, so I decided I would help all you unemployed people come up with some unique job ideas! 

Why is this good? Because I'm awesome and you should listen to anything I tell you.

Why is this bad? Because I'm awesome and you should listen to anything I tell you.

Anywho, I came up with a fantastic list of jobs! It'll something that nobody else will take from you! It will be like that cuddly fuzzy gerbil from your childhood that you would play dress up with, hold close, and nap with...and then you rolled over on it during a nightmarish fit and crushed it. Bad example. My apologies. 

Holy hell, here have a tissue, baby. 

Continuing on. So I have this awesome list of jobs that you should look into. They could help put bread on your table! Or limbs, depending on your choice of job...ANYWAY! Onward with the list! 

Unconventional Job #1:

Become a Serial Killer 

 The job doesn't pay all that well, but you can feel all the glory of playing God. Which for some, is better than money! If you think about it, you can steal the money out of people's wallets after they're dead. Right? They won't need it, because they're dead! 

Pros:

• You set your own hours!
• You are your own boss!
• No cubicle!
• Strength increase in your upper arms from repeated stabbings!
• You get to be on TV!

Cons:

• You kill people.
• You kill people.
• You kill people.
• No health benefits.

 Where to find clientele:  Super markets, playgrounds, dark alleys, bars, your possibilities are endless!

If in fact you have moral obligation to stealing from people you kill in order to make ends meet, consider becoming an ASSASSIN! This way you can still continue what you do best, but get paid for your honest contribution to society. As well as helping some poor sap get out of a bind! You'd be helping people.

-----> -------> 

Unconventional Job #2:

Steal Puppies  

At first this job doesn't make much sense. But if you look deeper into it, it's absolute genius. Have you ever noticed that people will put up signs that say,

[Paraphrased]

I'm a dumbass and left the back gate open and spot, our four month old Dalmatian puppy escaped. 

My wife is threatening to put my balls in a meat grinder if I don't find him.

Please help my balls.

I'm deeming my balls worth a $150 reward if found, please call ###-####. 

 Thank you.

[End Paraphrase]
 

 If you didn't notice the dollar sign in there, it's right before the 150. That money could be YOURS! If you found Spot. But who has time to do that?  Instead, here's what I propose you do...

Find yourself a rich neighborhood.

Oh but those don't exist, they are a fantasy created by terrorist to make it LOOK like people are divided into social classes. That doesn't really exist. In America, all people are equal. Some people just like nicer houses than other people.

    Yeah that's right- some people LIKE living in cardboard boxes. It's like a fad or something.

         And eating out of garbage cans- that's totally a fad too. It'll pass.

 Like I said, find yourself a rich neighborhood and keep an eye out for a rich old lady with her six Pomeranian puppies prancing about her three acre yard. 

Wait for the old woman to have to go to the bathroom (you won't have too wait long, they do this A LOT) and then snatch three of her puppies and book it. 

Helpful Tip #1:

It is beneficial to your operation to have a getaway car. Most people would not agree to stealing puppies, but they aren't the ones starving now are they? You don't have to tell them what you're doing. Claim you're with Meals on Wheels and you need to go to old women's houses that have pure bred dogs. It'll work.

IT WILL.

 After you've reached your getaway car, proceed to throw the puppies in the back of the rapist van* and get in the car screaming, "GO GO GO!!!!!"

*Note, it will not work if you do not have a rapist van, and do not proceed to scream, "GO GO GO!" in a Dukes of Hazard fashion. 

No I'm not promoting rape, JUST because you own a rapist van doesn't mean you're a rapist.

    I know PLENTY of people who own rapist vans who aren't creepers.

    Okay, name three.

              ....No, I don't feel like it.

Wait for about three to four days and then you will see online postings or even TV commercials depending on how rich your old woman is, about her missing puppies. Likely there will be no reward posted the first few days. This is when patience comes in. Wait for about a week or two and soon there will be a nice juicy reward. This is when you pack your pups up and take them back to the old woman's house. 

Tell her you saved them from some asshole in a rapist van.

Make sure to park your van around the corner. 

She'll gladly fork over your earned reward from saving her puppies from a most unfortunate fate. BING! Easy earnings.

Pros:

• Get to have adorable puppies (or perhaps ugly depending on breed...) in your home while waiting for promised reward.
• Get to enjoy teaching them bad habits such as peeing on the carpet (take them to visit a friend), chewing shoes (use your girlfriend's), or jumping on the table and eating people food.
• Overall great job for dog lovers!

Cons: 

• Possible hospitalizations for dog bites.
• You can't steal the same dog twice. 
• Dog hair in your apartment/house.
• Rabies?

---> ------>

Unconventional Job #3: 

Nerd Escort 

This job is great, because it involves little work at all, and you get to enjoy great* company!

*No Money Back Guarantee. 

Post an ad in the newspaper or advertise around the college towns. You are officially a Nerd Escort. What exactly does a Nerd Escort do?

WHOA WHOA. Don't Escorts like...have SEX with people!? YOU SICK FREAK. 

Hey that's just IMPLIED. You don't have to have sex with anybody! They might be disappointed, but they still have to pay you. Ha. Anyway, you don't have to worry about it because nerds don't know what sex is! 

Sex Ed does not count. Putting a condom on a banana doesn't count. They probably thought it was some strange sick joke when the teacher told them to put the condom on the banana. They felt it was useless and improbable, because while masturbating, it never got that big.

Obviously, women have sex with bananas, why else would he be having us put condoms on bananas?

     Stupid sex education teacher, why the hell would we need to know how to put a condom on a banana? The girl can just do it. 

           Fine I'll do it. But only because you're threatening my academic career.

[Tetris Theme Music]

OW GOD IT FLEW INTO MY EYE!

See you have nothing to worry about. There will be no sex involved. Promise. 

What you will have to do, is learn to play the following games:

• Dungeons and Dragons
• Magic the Gathering

 If you would rather stab yourself in the liver 17 times than learn to play these games, that is okay. Some people just can't handle it. Nobody would blame you. 

Although if you think you can handle it, go for it. Pretty much you're going to be the pretty girl/guy that sits around the table and is eye-candy while everyone plays their game

Sorry if you're ugly. This won't work for you.

--->------->  

Unconventional Job #4:

Organic Bug Killer 

All those people with bug problems that are afraid of chemicals will be calling you up. You just have to be prepared for the awesome that is bug killing!

What you will need:

• Number for people to reach you, and a phone.
• Three paper sacks.
• Toothpicks.
• Awesome sunglasses (to look professional).

When you are called to duty. You must arrive looking professional. If you don't have a vehicle with your organic bug killer logo on it, make sure to write the name of your company in sharpie on some toilet paper, and then tape it to your car. This look would be great since you're organic, because toilet paper degrades! 


Get out of your car, and professionally ask, in an Arnold-ish voice, "WHERE ARE DA BUGS?" 


Proceed to bugs. 


When the person asks how you kill mass numbers of bugs without chemicals, bring out your big guns. 


Toothpicks.

Begin to stab at the bugs until they go away.

No it's not efficient. But chemicals kill people. When she complains about how inefficient it is, ask her if she wants her newborn to have three arms. That'll shut her up.  

Place bugs in the paper sacks. 

She will probably fight about paying you, and won't call you back, but that's okay right?

If all else fails you can just release the bugs in her bathroom and close the door before you leave. :)

--------------------------------------------------------------

Hopefully some people find this list of jobs helpful, even though it isn't that long. Quality over quantity right?

....right?

Fine, shut up. If you don't like my advice you can go create an Etsy account. If you want to save your dignity, you can try one of the above options. YOUR CHOICE.

Pandora['s box of unrelated music]

I am pretty sure that many of you know what Pandora is. If you don't, then I'm sorry you're not going to understand what I'm talking about.

[Just kidding I'm not a bitch.]

I lied, I am, but for the sake of people who read this blog, I will tell you what it is.

So Pandora is this online music radio station... thing. My friend introduced it to me and after reading about it, it sounded pretty good. I mean, putting in an artist you like, which in theory will bring up other bands you like because of their strikingly similarity; it's pretty ingenious.

You put in Aerosmith, and theoretically should get bands like Alice in Chains, AC/DC, or similar bands. Correct?

That's what those bitches want you to think.

 So I gave it a shot, because I was sick of listening to Itunes play the same songs over and over even though I had it set to random with my whole library of 16 days worth of music to choose from....

Sorry, tangent.

So I get on, and type in:

"Adam Lambert"

Alright, the first song is, as expected, Adam Lambert! Alright this station is pretty kick ass, yeah Pandora rocks! Woo brainwashing!

Wait what?

So then I listen to the Adam Lambert song, and all is fine and dandy. The next song on the list, is Judas by Lady Gaga. 

They're similar enough that I'm alright with it. I mean I don't associate Adam Lambert with Gaga, but I am sure in the music world they are close enough to make it onto the same Pandora station without colliding into a massive black hole. So far, so good. This is when I had to go pee.

Shut up, everyone does it. You're NOT exempt. Unless you're some sick freakish robot that doesn't have bodily functions. In that case, welcome to my blog- have a cookie.

I came back and there was some weird freakish music I'd never heard before playing. I was like, alright, obviously just a band I've never heard of. I get on and look at who this obnoxious woman was...

Nicki Minaj.

Who the HELL is she? *googles*

Oh hell no.

She's not even close to Adam Lambert! WHY ARE YOU ON MY ADAM LAMBERT STATION YOU WENCH?

This is why I assume Pandora created this wonderful skip button. Not only that, but Pandora has "This shit makes my baby cry" button. Symbolized ever so creatively with a thumbs down icon. 

I figured it would be disrespectful to not utilize all the tools Pandora had provided me, so I clicked it. A message popped up from Pandora: One of caring and respect. 

[Paraphrased]

"We're terribly sorry that we suck at picking music that's similar to what you wanted. We promise we wont play this song ever, ever, ever again as long as we feel like it."  

Well that seems just nice.  How awesome of them to do that. :) 

The next song comes up. It's Lupe Fiasco "The Show Goes On."

What the HELL. I don't understand. How are these artists similar to Adam Lambert....unless..


Oh no. Adam Lambert is a rapper? Adam why didn't you tell me. :(


I FEEL SO BETRAYED. DINNER IS SOOO OFF. 

Yeah and just for your information Adam...

We're over.

 
 

Religion vs Biology....can't we have both?

So last night, I got in a discussion on Facebook with an…acquaintance …perhaps.

                Really what it is- is that I was friends on Facebook with her boyfriend when she added me. This says to me that because I have a vagina, she must add me to make sure that I am not secretly Facebook fucking her boyfriend. It doesn’t matter to her that we are 1,200 miles apart. Over the internet, it doesn’t matter HOW far away you are. Facebook cyber sex is real, and it is a threat.

So as I was skimming my Facebook feed, looking for anything interesting that I could read or perhaps engage in. That’s when her status ran into my feed…

                [Insert Fancy Facebook Name]

                                I just find it SO amazing how so many beautiful people came from only two individuals.

I’d never really talked to this girl, she was just one of those 100 friends on my list, you know- the kind you added for no apparent reason.

It’s like when you scroll down your friends list going, “Where is she from…or this dude?  Who is this?” Then you scroll about ¾ the way down your list and finally find one you remember. The guy who was at your friend’s party and was so plastered he could barely stand. He asked for your number and you politely gave him the number 2. After that he was determined to know you, and using his extensive network of potentially connected friends, found you on Facebook. He added you, and after some intense rejecting and him adding you again, you finally added him. This was only because you had planned to sneakily unfriend him later when he was less likely to notice. But you forgot.

Now you get to see his pictures of all the parties he goes to in your news feed. Yeah, you know the ones. The ones where he is in tiny gold shorts slightly resembling Rocky’s in the Horror Picture Show. Except he doesn’t shave his legs, and his bulge doesn’t look half as nice.

Way to go.

Dumbass.

Anyway, I thought to myself that perhaps I should talk to her. She isn’t dating my friend anymore, so I figured I’d test the water to see if I even wanted to keep her on my friends list. I mean she could potentially be awesome.

Or she could be an ignorant religiously brainwashed generalist.

But you just can never gauge these things you know?

So I decided that I would jokingly post something on her status that I, personally, thought was funny. But then again I am a biologist so this was something that greatly amused me about the whole aspect of an entire population coming forth from two people.

[Insert Awesome Theme Music] DISCLAIMER TIME******

                As you read on, I must press the matter of what I actually think. I believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I am not denying anything, nor claiming anything. I was merely stating facts and she interpreted them the way she did. Don’t make the same mistake. Or I’ll shank you.

So I jokingly posted on her status…

                “You know, speaking from a biological standpoint, it is very unlikely that an extensive population of seven billion could rise from only two individuals. Mutations and problems due to inbreeding brought on by the genetic bottleneck would accelerate the extinction of the species. That or it would create a population ill-suited for the environment which eventually would die off anyway…

[-and then came the most crucial part of my entire statement….]

:P ;)”

Those two smileys alone brought me peace of mind, in the fact that I expected she wouldn’t overlook them and then blow this into something it wasn’t supposed to be.

But you can never gauge these things, you know?

She promptly replied, much quicker than I expected,

                “Well then, Miss Biology, if we didn’t come from two individuals, then why do we share like, 99.9999999999% of our DNA?! HMMM!?”

I was slightly amused by her remark. I read it as like a jokingly reply to my joke.

Too bad I’m really bad at gauging these things. (Have I mentioned that?)

So I thought about it, and I said,

                “Probably the same reason we share about 30-40% of our DNA with mushrooms, and we share 95% of our genome with pigs, and how we’re like 68% genetically identical to moths. If you want make that argument, Adam and Eve must have been pumping out way more than just humans.”

I got a prompt reply, once again.

                “Anyone who believes garbage like that is stupid. It says right in the Bible that God put two humans on the planet to be fruitful. We made it because God wanted us to!”

Right after posting this, I began to think about what was going through her head. This was turning into the religious argument I had intended the smileys to prevent…

FUCK YOU SMILEYS YOU FAILED ME….:P ;)

She posted another reply following her other one.

                “I bet you believe that we evolved from monkeys too huh? That evolution stuff is a lie. Evolution isn’t real, it’s a total crap.”

I realized that she was no longer (or possibly ever) joking around. This bitch was serious, and she denied science. Who does that?

I’ll tell you who.

This bitch.

The fact she automatically accused me of believing that we evolved from monkeys was an insult. The fact that I knew how genetics works automatically means I believe that we evolved from monkeys.

Man I had no idea I believed that. I am such a failure.

I got snarky with her and replied,

                “Exactly! Evolution is just something Darwin made up to explain why we had antibiotics that worked two weeks ago and then suddenly they don’t work anymore.”

 Really it’s because we pissed off the demons that live in our colon. I didn’t want her to know that though, because then she’d be right.

She proceeded to tell me how that was only antibiotic resistance and, in fact, had NOTHING to do with evolution.

I proceeded to explain to her what bacterial resistance stems from. The evolution of the bacteria through generations while being treated with antibiotics, one mutated bacterium could produce a whole colony of resistant bacteria. 

[Some people argue that this microevolution doesn't count. I don't care- she argued that evolution is a lie. Meaning evolution period, this includes micro, macro, species, and toaster evolution]

She replies,

                “That is NOT right. From ONE mutated bacteria huh? Hey, remember how in the Bible, God put two of every animal on the ark? Yeah, that’s because you have to have TWO to reproduce!”

I stopped. This was honestly the stupidest remark I’d ever read in my life.

No I’m not kidding.

I didn’t hear what your mom said at Thanksgiving last year so that doesn’t count.

I had to keep myself from tearing her apart and decided to post something nice….ish,

                “Hey, remember how in the Bible it doesn’t say, ‘…and then God put two bacteria on the Ark.’? Yeah, that’s because they can reproduce ASEXUALLY.”

It took a little while for her to reply to that one, I figured she’d given up since she had made a fool of herself. About ten minutes later the little notification popped up.

“Stop making stupid stuff up because you know you’re wrong. GOD is the only real power and the fact you deny him doesn’t make him any less real.”

Good comeback, totally trumps anything I could have come up with.

She blocked me.

DAMNIT SMILEYS.

 :P ;)