So as well all know, our economy here in the United States is very well...it sucks. So a lot of people are unemployed. I know it's extremely hard to find a job, no matter where you live, so I decided I would help all you unemployed people come up with some unique job ideas!
Why is this good? Because I'm awesome and you should listen to anything I tell you.
Why is this bad? Because I'm awesome and you should listen to anything I tell you.
Anywho, I came up with a fantastic list of jobs! It'll something that nobody else will take from you! It will be like that cuddly fuzzy gerbil from your childhood that you would play dress up with, hold close, and nap with...and then you rolled over on it during a nightmarish fit and crushed it. Bad example. My apologies.
Holy hell, here have a tissue, baby.
Continuing on. So I have this awesome list of jobs that you should look into. They could help put bread on your table! Or limbs, depending on your choice of job...ANYWAY! Onward with the list!
Unconventional Job #1:
Become a Serial Killer
The job doesn't pay all that well, but you can feel all the glory of playing God. Which for some, is better than money! If you think about it, you can steal the money out of people's wallets after they're dead. Right? They won't need it, because they're dead!
Pros:
- You set your own hours!
- You are your own boss!
- No cubicle!
- Strength increase in your upper arms from repeated stabbings!
- You get to be on TV!
Cons:
- You kill people.
- You kill people.
- You kill people.
- No health benefits.
Where to find clientele: Super markets, playgrounds, dark alleys, bars, your possibilities are endless!
If in fact you have moral obligation to stealing from people you kill in order to make ends meet, consider becoming an ASSASSIN! This way you can still continue what you do best, but get paid for your honest contribution to society. As well as helping some poor sap get out of a bind! You'd be helping people.
-----> ------->
Unconventional Job #2:
Steal Puppies
At first this job doesn't make much sense. But if you look deeper into it, it's absolute genius. Have you ever noticed that people will put up signs that say,
[Paraphrased]
I'm a dumbass and left the back gate open and spot, our four month old Dalmatian puppy escaped.
My wife is threatening to put my balls in a meat grinder if I don't find him.
Please help my balls.
I'm deeming my balls worth a $150 reward if found, please call ###-####.
Thank you.
[End Paraphrase]
If you didn't notice the dollar sign in there, it's right before the 150. That money could be YOURS! If you found Spot. But who has time to do that? Instead, here's what I propose you do...
Find yourself a rich neighborhood.
Oh but those don't exist, they are a fantasy created by terrorist to make it LOOK like people are divided into social classes. That doesn't really exist. In America, all people are equal. Some people just like nicer houses than other people.
Yeah that's right- some people LIKE living in cardboard boxes. It's like a fad or something.
And eating out of garbage cans- that's totally a fad too. It'll pass.
Like I said, find yourself a rich neighborhood and keep an eye out for a rich old lady with her six Pomeranian puppies prancing about her three acre yard.
Wait for the old woman to have to go to the bathroom (you won't have too wait long, they do this A LOT) and then snatch three of her puppies and book it.
Helpful Tip #1:
It is beneficial to your operation to have a getaway car. Most people would not agree to stealing puppies, but they aren't the ones starving now are they? You don't have to tell them what you're doing. Claim you're with Meals on Wheels and you need to go to old women's houses that have pure bred dogs. It'll work.
IT WILL.
After you've reached your getaway car, proceed to throw the puppies in the back of the rapist van* and get in the car screaming, "GO GO GO!!!!!"
*Note, it will not work if you do not have a rapist van, and do not proceed to scream, "GO GO GO!" in a Dukes of Hazard fashion.
No I'm not promoting rape, JUST because you own a rapist van doesn't mean you're a rapist.
I know PLENTY of people who own rapist vans who aren't creepers.
Okay, name three.
....No, I don't feel like it.
Wait for about three to four days and then you will see online postings or even TV commercials depending on how rich your old woman is, about her missing puppies. Likely there will be no reward posted the first few days. This is when patience comes in. Wait for about a week or two and soon there will be a nice juicy reward. This is when you pack your pups up and take them back to the old woman's house.
Tell her you saved them from some asshole in a rapist van.
Make sure to park your van around the corner.
She'll gladly fork over your earned reward from saving her puppies from a most unfortunate fate. BING! Easy earnings.
Pros:
- Get to have adorable puppies (or perhaps ugly depending on breed...) in your home while waiting for promised reward.
- Get to enjoy teaching them bad habits such as peeing on the carpet (take them to visit a friend), chewing shoes (use your girlfriend's), or jumping on the table and eating people food.
- Overall great job for dog lovers!
Cons:
- Possible hospitalizations for dog bites.
- You can't steal the same dog twice.
- Dog hair in your apartment/house.
- Rabies?
---> ------>
Unconventional Job #3:
Nerd Escort
This job is great, because it involves little work at all, and you get to enjoy great* company!
*No Money Back Guarantee.
Post an ad in the newspaper or advertise around the college towns. You are officially a Nerd Escort. What exactly does a Nerd Escort do?
WHOA WHOA. Don't Escorts like...have SEX with people!? YOU SICK FREAK.
Hey that's just IMPLIED. You don't have to have sex with anybody! They might be disappointed, but they still have to pay you. Ha. Anyway, you don't have to worry about it because nerds don't know what sex is!
Sex Ed does not count. Putting a condom on a banana doesn't count. They probably thought it was some strange sick joke when the teacher told them to put the condom on the banana. They felt it was useless and improbable, because while masturbating, it never got that big.
Obviously, women have sex with bananas, why else would he be having us put condoms on bananas?
Stupid sex education teacher, why the hell would we need to know how to put a condom on a banana? The girl can just do it.
Fine I'll do it. But only because you're threatening my academic career.
[Tetris Theme Music]
OW GOD IT FLEW INTO MY EYE!
See you have nothing to worry about. There will be no sex involved. Promise.
What you will have to do, is learn to play the following games:
- Dungeons and Dragons
- Magic the Gathering
If you would rather stab yourself in the liver 17 times than learn to play these games, that is okay. Some people just can't handle it. Nobody would blame you.
Although if you think you can handle it, go for it. Pretty much you're going to be the pretty girl/guy that sits around the table and is eye-candy while everyone plays their game
Sorry if you're ugly. This won't work for you.
--->------->
Unconventional Job #4:
Organic Bug Killer
All those people with bug problems that are afraid of chemicals will be calling you up. You just have to be prepared for the awesome that is bug killing!
What you will need:
- Number for people to reach you, and a phone.
- Three paper sacks.
- Toothpicks.
- Awesome sunglasses (to look professional).
Get out of your car, and professionally ask, in an Arnold-ish voice, "WHERE ARE DA BUGS?"
Proceed to bugs.
When the person asks how you kill mass numbers of bugs without chemicals, bring out your big guns.
Toothpicks.
Begin to stab at the bugs until they go away.
No it's not efficient. But chemicals kill people. When she complains about how inefficient it is, ask her if she wants her newborn to have three arms. That'll shut her up.
Place bugs in the paper sacks.
She will probably fight about paying you, and won't call you back, but that's okay right?
If all else fails you can just release the bugs in her bathroom and close the door before you leave. :)
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Hopefully some people find this list of jobs helpful, even though it isn't that long. Quality over quantity right?
....right?
Fine, shut up. If you don't like my advice you can go create an Etsy account. If you want to save your dignity, you can try one of the above options. YOUR CHOICE.
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