What Internet Clips Have Taught Me

So I was watching internet clips the other day as I lounged around procrastinating all the lovely shit I needed to do. I had surfed Youtube and WIMP and many other of these internet video compilation sites.

Well there's your first problem. 

So after watching a few I stumbled upon one that showed a girl videotaping people eating at a buffet. Why was she doing this? Hell if I know. Maybe she secretly has a fetish with people eating. 

You think that's weird- look up "Weird Fetishes" on Google. Use Google images for extreme pleasure.
Just kidding don't do that.

It's not my fault if you do that.

So I was watching and a few things about the video really irked the shit out of me. After I thought about it, I've seen similar shit before but it never really poked me in the eye. When I was younger my grandparents enjoyed eating at buffets so I was dragged along. I never really liked the concept of a buffet, it always seemed a bit unsanitary and slightly gross to me. 

Let me elaborate as to what I am talking about.

Haha suckers you'll never want to eat a buffet again. 

1. Man walking from aisle to aisle picking food up and then putting it back, after cleverly realizing that the food doesn't look any more appetizing AFTER it's been pulled from a metal warming cocoon. 

Okay seriously dude. That is fucking disgusting. Nobody wants to eat that food after your nasty little sausages have danced all over it. It's bad enough that the server bringing out the french fries dropped the tray on the way out and then stuffed the fries back into the tray. 
Did I say that outloud? 
The fact that you're trying to be sneaky about it by cleverly tilting your plate and letting it accidentally fall into the McDonald's style "Fresh Keeper Deluxe" warming tray makes it even more despicable.
Hey while you're at it, why don't you lick all the silverware and wipe your nose in the napkins and put them back? After that you can draw smiley faces with your greasy fingers on every single plate in the clean pile. BRILLIANT.  

2. Lady over filling her cup with ice and pouring it into the metal grate. Deciding that she doesn't have enough ice now and then refilling her cup again, only to dump it back into the grate. Repeat four times.

So I realize that having the correct ratio of ice to Coke is something that if done incorrectly, could possibly throw Neptune off balance and ruin your wedding. Did you every realize that this is a buffet? Do you realize what that means? You can have as much damn Coke as you want. You could pay your $12.50 and drink 5,000 calories of Coke if it made you fucking happy. They don't care!
This being said, WHO CARES ABOUT HOW MUCH ICE IS IN YOUR CUP?
It's not like you're being ripped off because you put too much ice and it filled the precious cup space that the Coke is supposed to be in. You can come back and get more Coke.
I promise. No- really.

No lady. move- there's a line.

3. Man fills his plate to the point where he almost has to rent a forklift to get it to his table. 

So this one was really something that bugged the complete shit out of me. It's like the guy went to every single hot pocket of food on each aisle and got something for his plate. His plate was so full, there were glory seekers attempting to climb it by the time he was sitting at his table. The guy sets it down and the table sags three inches lower. Not only that, but after stuffing his plate to capacity, he eats maybe 1/3 of it and then gets up to get another plate of food. 
Note that this is stupid because he's already tried everything in the buffet. 
Let me give you some advice: next time you feel like filling your plate with enough food to feed a small orphanage, stop and imagine this scenario...
As you sit at your table six starving African children are staring at your plate wanting you to share. That's more food than they have probably seen in their six years of life that they are lucky (or cursed, depending on your perspective) to have lived due to Malaria and AIDS. As you stuff your sorry face with food you aren't enjoying they are starving to death. How does that make you feel?
Hopefully really bad, cause if you are enjoying little children starving you are a fucking sick twisted freak. 

Best part of it all, After he stuffs his face with the equivalence of six plates of food spread over about 13 plates of food partially eaten, he unbuttons his pants to relax his over stuffed gut. 

I hope you get attacked in an alley and eaten by rabid cats. 
 Fucking food waster, I understand it's all you can eat- that doesn't translate to "All You Can Waste!"in ANY language.
Bitches. 

4. People eating so loudly that the employees over at Petco keep checking to make sure there aren't dogs loose and devouring the kitty litter.   

Like I even really need to explain this one. But seriously the people who make those fucking obnoxious smacking noises while they eat make me crazy. Smacking is completely unnecessary and if you continue to make those  obscene noises I might just have to dump a cup of ice down your blouse.  
You think I'm kidding?
Keep smacking like a cow. I dare you.




I am not really a fan of eating out to begin with. I tend to feel uncomfortable, that and being nearly vegan (now) there isn't much out there for me. But enough about me, next time you go out eating you should people watch. It's fun, in a cynical "I hate people" sort of way. 

nomnomnomnomnom.