Getting Through Airport Security: The Jackass Way

So anyone who has every flown on a plane in the last few years, has probably noticed there are certain policies that the TSA follows and forces everyone to comply with. These are to ensure our safety and to make sure that they get their kicks and giggles out while having to work that 2 am shift. We all know they aren't sitting behind the body scanner laughing at our fat rolls- that would be absurd. Why, they are only looking out for our safety when they grope pretty much every part of your body- even the small flappy area under your balls. You could have forgotten a razor in there. That's dangerous.

So like I was saying, there are certain policies and techniques you are required to follow in order to board the plane and get to your destination. People who fly frequently know exactly what they are supposed to do and if you are one of those people- read no further. Or you can read anyway and laugh really hard.

Refusing such an offer would be like stabbing Jesus in the eyes with a salty french fry.

For the people who do not fly often, I have compiled a few very important tips on how to get through airport security smoothly (or not so much) and surely (maybe not). 

It all starts as you walk into the airport:
This is the point where in most airports (at least the one's I've been to) you take your bags, if you have any, to be checked by the people servicing your flight. Southwest, Delta, etc., are some commonly known airlines. Since this is usually how it starts, I'll begin here with my tips on how to get from entrance to terminal to airplane in only a few simple steps.

Step One: Checking your bags.
After reaching the airport, walk into the entrance- making sure to rush anyone in your way by walking on their heels. This states that you are important, much more important than they are. After shoving those simpletons aside, walk in the general direction of your airline service provider. If you are unsure of where you need to be, look along the far wall and it's very likely that in big bold letters it states where your airline company is located. 
After reaching your desired company, walk straight to the front of the line- unhooking the fabric belts as you go or walking under them. Do not pay any heed to the shouts or grumbles of the other patrons, they are simply cheering you on. When you have reached the front and are about to set your bag on the scale it is likely the woman will tell you to please go to the back of the line. Proceed to mention you are in a hurry and continue to place your bag on the scale. 
When these tactics fail and she asks you again to go to the back of the line, throw a huge fit like a 10 year old child and then yell that you will never fly with them again.
Proceed to end of line...with DIGNITY. 
While waiting in line, proceed to talk loudly to other people waiting in line. Talk about how unfair they treated you and how much you cannot believe their actions. Continue to spout your liberating and refreshing ideals while the people standing by ignore you. When you finally reach the front and set your bag on scale, you will need to print your boarding pass.

Step Two: Print your boarding pass.
After setting your bag on the scale, the lady will wait patiently as you print your boarding pass which will tell her where you are going. This will also trigger the printing of your bag tags, so that your precious suitcase doesn't get sent to Tulsa when you are on your way to Orlando. Stare at the screen reading every word on it, and then place your index finger on the screen.
Notice that it asks for your conformation number or to insert a credit card. Become immediately infuriated that it would ask for such a thing , inform the lady checking your bags that you do not know your conformation number. She will likely tell you to insert a major credit card into the machine. Proceed to insert your drivers license, get angry when it does not work. Complain to the lady, and then insert each of your seven debit cards, one by one, becoming more infuriated each time it does not work. Finally, insert your American Express credit card. This should actually work, but DO NOT resort to this as the first card you insert- that is too easy. 
After you have inserted your card and brought up your flight information, press the button to check your bags. Complain again to the lady that you have to pay $20 per bag. Conveniently forget to print your boarding pass after checking your bag. Ask the lady to print it for you. Get angry when she can't do it for you. Insert all your cards again, ending with the American Express, actually print boarding pass this time.

Step Three: Airport Security
After checking your bags and relieving yourself of them, walk towards the terminals. You will then be led to a winding line of impatient people waiting to be groped. Stand in line behind them, make sure to look and act majorly impatient to fit in. Walk through the line ignoring all signs telling you to remove your jacket and shoes, as well as taking your laptop out of its bag. Also forget that you have two full water bottles in your bag. When you get up to security check point number one, the man will ask you for your license and boarding pass. Proceed to fumble through your wallet, frantically searching for your ID. Get irritated that you cannot find it, remove all contents of wallet onto the man's podium. Search through the pile twice, making sure to use the words "Fuck" and "Shit" and "Goddamnit" at least twice. After remembering that you took your license out of your wallet and put it in your pocket for easier access, hand to security. 
Security will shine a flashlight on your ID and then make a few marks and then send you on your way to the scanning area. Take all bags and belongings to the line and continue ignoring signs. Begin to place your items in tubs and set them on the lines. Acknowledge the officer telling you to put your shoes directly on the belt- proceed to place them in a tub anyway. Do not remove your keys or cellphone from your pocket, also make sure to keep your jacket on. Walk over to the scanning machine.
They will direct you to take your jacket off. Throw a fit and say that you do not feel comfortable taking your jacket off. Finally give in and take it off and place it on the belt. Walk through the scanner. Get pissed when the light goes off and the officer tells you to walk through again. Remember that  you did not take your cellphone or keys out of your pocket at this moment. Run back to the end of the belt and shove people out of your way to grab another tub. Push other tubs back, knocking one on the floor and forget to apologize. Walk through the scanner again. Be pleased when it does not go off. Walk to the end of the line and wait for your items. After a few seconds of waiting, become furious and ask who took your stuff. When the lady informs you that it will take a hand search because you did not take your laptop out of the bag nor remove the water bottles, make a huge scene.
Walk with the lady over to the table and watch as she removes all your stuff from the bag. Begin to belittle her and ask what all this "shit" is about anyway. After she takes away your water bottles, yell and complain that you wanted to drink those. After she tells you it is a safety hazard and that it was stated clearly on multiple signs in line that you could not have it, throw a fit. Throw a huge fit. Proceed to tell her you think she is stupid. Wait as she goes through the rest of your stuff. Sigh loudly at random intervals and pace slightly. This lets her know of your displeasure with their unneeded gestures.
After she is finished checking your stuff, grab it and storm off- make sure to stomp your feet really hard and growl a little as you get on the escalator. You made it through security, over half the battle is done! Now to get to your terminal.

Step Four: Your Terminal and Boarding the Plane
Get to your terminal, which should be on your boarding pass. Find somewhere to sit, preferably next to someone trying to read a book or listen to their music. After taking a seat, begin to complain to them about the unruly and unnecessary procedures they take in the airports these days.  Do not, I repeat, do not let them get a word in. They may possibly express an opinion different than yours, and that is unacceptable. It's best not to let them open their mouth. It's extremely important you let them know that your opinion is the only right one.
When they begin to board the plane. Proceed to stand where your number states you should. Walk onto the plane and choose the seat with no space above it in the compartments. Shuffle other people's items in order to fit yours in. Move some people's bags to other compartments until you have enough room for your almost full-size suitcase "carry-on" that you brought. Take a seat next to the window and wait for take off. Someone will likely sit next to you. Become annoying and perhaps they will move. If it is a full flight, sorry you are stuck with them there.
After the plane has taken off, watch the person next to you, if they are looking out the window- make sure to close it so they can't. Turn on the air full blast and then point it toward the person next to you. Pretend to be asleep when they ask you to turn it off. After they reach to turn it off themselves, curse and claim they were trying to grab your vagina (even if you are a man.) Continue to be as annoying as possible. Kick the seat in front of you and then blame the person next to you. Press the Flight Attendant button on your neighbor's button panel. Complete flight with as many enemies as possible.

Exit plane after landing, make sure to stand up and unbuckle your seat belt before the plane has stopped. Also do not wait for people in front of you to get up, rush out at your earliest convenience.


With these tips, you can fly like a pro!