Stupid Facebook Statuses

We've all seen them. You know what I'm talking about, although I know you wish you didn't. After signing onto Facebook in the morning after a day of absence they are all over the page. Some posted more than once because your friend of a friend posted it, thus your friend had to post it, so it floods your feed with the same pointless crap.
Don't deny it- you fucking LOVE it. 

Some typical ones I see...

"U and I wake up in a prison and hav no memory of wut happened last night. Wat wud u say 2 me using only 4 words???"

Well first off, let me inform you that I would never wake up in prison with you. This is because that would insinuate that I spend time with you outside of Facebook. I would rather gouge my eyes out with red hot spoons dipped in salt. Honestly I don't remember where I met you or why I added you. Oh right you bullied me in high school, then added me and when I rejected you 30 times you continued to add me until I was defeated.
In all honesty I'd wake up in prison without you because you'd be at the morgue for posting stupid status updates. I'd get caught because an hour after killing you I'd post, "Good, now that bitch can't post her thoughts (or lack thereof) on Facebook."


Some possible responses to this four word status:
Hey, prostitutes never prosper.
Now you've got herpes!
I got you drunk.
I left you there.
Don't look under that.
It wasn't my problem.
Please stop this nonsense?


Some other ultra awesome posts are the ones where they claim some child from Nebraska has been swept away by a pedophile driving a blue Prius with the license plate ILUVKIDS.


"AMBER ALERT!!! Edmonton, Kentucky USA little girl, 3 yrs old picked up by man driving grey car, license plate: Quebec 72B 381. Canada. Put this as your status. It could save her. This kidnapping is recent so do it, 3 seconds will not kill you. If it were your child.... what would you want people to do. Just now happening!!!!! please... "

So here's some problems with the above AMBER ALERT!!! that you should realize before posting this status and allowing all of Facebook to mock your stupidity.
- So the guy is from Canada? In Kentucky. Sounds reasonable sort of...
Except for the fact that in Canada they don't drive cars. They ride caribou and live in igloos. Didn't world cultures teach you ANYTHING?  
- Okay so you're posting it on Facebook, good job! You could save her. 
Wouldn't you know it- now that I've seen that- I'm going to outside and stare watching for any grey cars and calling the police when I see them. Whether or not it's got a Canada license- since we all know that's not possible (see above explanation).   

I understand the idea behind this Facebook posting nonsense, and had this been a REAL kidnapping that might be beneficial IF you live in Kentucky/surrounding states. If you live in Oregon and have all Oregon friends don't fucking repost it if it says "THIS IS RECENT!" There's no goddamn way the kid is in Oregon. If you want to help this imaginary girl- go to the Amber Alert page and check it out.

http://www.ncmec.org/missingkids/servlet/AmberServlet  <--- HERE. If it actually has her on there, then repost it. If not, don't bother because it's fake or outdated.

Thank you for not spamming my Facebook.


"Describe me in 1 word! Repost and c what u get!!!!"

Are you really opening yourself up to this? Really? Being my friend on Facebook I would think you would know better by now. Honestly. Now that you've posted this I have like 50 other people posting it and nobody has any comments on it. You know why? Because it's downright stupid. Nobody even pays attention to that- it's just one more stupid thing we have to scroll past to see what we care about. Here's some "one" words that describe you!

Redundant
Unoriginal
Boring
Annoying
Follower
Narcissistic  
and soon to be Assaulted if you don't quit posting mindless updates.

--- One more thing that really annoys me about people on Facebook, is the clicking of links. You get on your page and you see that 15 of your friends have posted the same link almost 10 minutes apart each time.

Average Person's Thoughts:
Oh my god how awesome. EVERYONE is posting this video- it MUST be legit! Obama Boning a Donkey- oh man I want to see that.
click 
WHAT!? I didn't ask to repost that! I don't want to take your survey! Stop posting that over and over! HEY! 

What they SHOULD think:
Hmmm, everyone is posting this video. It looks like it's spam. Maybe I shouldn't click it and spam the friends that haven't been exposed yet. 
Yeah, I'll do that.

Stop being brain dead. Seriously people, nobody wants to read that. Every time you post a dumb status, a kitten goes into a coma. 
Think of the kittens.