The Dramatic and the Impossible [coming this fall to PBS!]

We all know them. We've got at least three to four in our lives. They are the people who make you want to pull your hair out. Everything becomes a horror story from hell...


The trip to the super market.
A meeting with an old friend they knew in high school.
Making dinner for a party of three.
Feeding their turtles.
Having to listen to other people's opinions.

That kind of shit is HARD.  :(

It's life threatening if done incorrectly and possibly causes insomnia, vomiting, diarrhea, and acne.
I'd source that shit, but I just made it up.

Anyway, so there's always going to be impossible people in your life, that no matter what you do, are never going to be happy. You could hand them a million fucking dollars and they would stare at it and say...

I wanted a million and ONE. You are SO inconsiderate! FUCK. I'M GOING TO BLOG ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW TO MY TWO FOLLOWERS! FUCK!

   Annnnd at this point they are already on their blog, telling the world (a.k.a the two followers they have) that you are an inconsiderate prick.

Oh but they don't outright say it. They have to be passive agressive about it.

Gotta be...SNEAKY.
Sneeeeaaaaky.

For example, let's say that your friend, aquantaince, whoever the fuck this dramatic person is, becomes upset with you because....
        Hm, let's say you didn't agree with them that every girl on the planet is a slut.

Just bear with me. Jesus.

First it goes like this....

THE FACEBOOK STATUS.
    [Dramatic Personage] I don't care what people think! I've never seen any different, all girls are sluts. ALL of them. And if YOU disagree, then YOU are PROBABLY a slut too.

Some awesome aspects to point out when this happens,
    Hey fucktard- if you didn't care what people thought, why did you post this status anyway?
        Also, if she's a female- point out that she too, has a vagina. Which conveniently, makes her a girl- and therefore by her logic, a slut.
            Openly point out that you are a WHORE, not a SLUT- sluts don't get paid.

Then, comes the

BLOG POSTS.

    "Oh my god so today I was talking to my totally stupid friend, who shall not be named of course, because I'm NOT a bitch. We were talking about girls and how they are all (or aren't by my friends
ideals) sluts. But have you seen the women these days? Total sluts. That's all I have to say. I don't care if you agree... [but knowing the fact you follow me, you probably will to avoid my wrath of spamming posts.]*

*Implied insert.

At this point there is probably one comment on their blog post, agreeing, making sure to point out that they agree with said person in every way. This is because people have no fucking backbone.

Yesssssss.

Then- one person stands up and says,
Hey that's not right, who the hell gave this bitch the right to free speech?

Annnnd that's about when....
Ten earthquakes hit Africa.
One hundred wolves attack a traveling caravan.
Two hundred pages of a report, due tomorrow, are lost to a power surge.
Power level reaches over 9000.
Hillary Clinton gets elected into office.

You know, terrifying shit goes down and stuff.

Usually it ends with this said person becoming overly dramatic, as stated, and dragging people into the percieved threat. Everyone becomes edgy and wishes that nothing had been said in the first place. People end up blocking other people, taking Facebook/Blog hiatuses, going on mass murder sprees, and stubbing their toes.

TOE STUBBING IS THE FUCKING DEVIL.



Now onto...[Insert Theme music]
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE AND "IMPOSSIBLE" PEOPLE...

Okay I am going to be totally not passive agressive here and say,
        I fucking hate it when people are passive aggressive.
JUST SAY IT. GOD.

I don't really enjoy getting online and seeing things posted on sites, in chats, or being directly said to
me, that are passive agressive.


"You know I really hate it when people stop talking to me because they know I'm right."

No, they stopped talking to you because you're a fucking annoying passive agressive bitch.

No, they won't comment on your status- because they realize that's your goal. 

You just want them to see it and feel remotely bad and be like, "Oh god I DID do that."

Well too bad- anyone with half a brain is going to think the exact opposite and if they are really smart, they'll acknowledge the fact that most sites allow you to block people or remove them from your feed.

Then they can post something like,

"I really hate it when people post passive aggressive bullshit and I can't remove it from my pag-...Oh wait I can, never mind."

See what they did there?
Genius. It's like toast. Delicious toast.

I also hate it when people are passively asking you to do something but they never say it outright and then get angry with you for not doing it.
Really? Sorry I'm not a mind reader.

Not that it matters, you'd have to have brain for me to read it.
Oh did I type that? Yeesh I'm sorry.

For example-
"I have to do a lot of yard work tomorrow and it'd be really cool if someone let me borrow their truck to go to the dump."

Oh wait, I own a truck...I'm not doing anything tomorrow...but I'm sure if I just let it go for a little bit someone else will offer. She didn't really ASK you know, it was more like a pipe dream or something.
If she really wanted my help, she would have straight up asked...

Right?

Perhaps- but it's just sooo much more fun to try to set people up so you can get mad at them. What kills me about these people is that they get mad at everyone for stupid little things that had nothing to do with the person they're mad at. Then afterwards, they wonder why nobody listens to them or even likes to talk to them.


WELL. LET'S SEE.
Would YOU like to be friends with someone who poentially could get angry at you for no reason at any moment? Dragging you into a puddle of shit and then stomping on you repeatedly until you either agreed with them or just ignored them?
Yeah, that'd be like being friends with yourself. Terrible thought huh?

Don't worry, one of these days you'll find a person who has the same views as you in every way, agrees with everything you say 100% of the time, and jumps into your drama with you any time you bring it up. 
IT WILL BE GLORIOUS!

Now then there are people who draw you into their problems, and then drop the subject. 

"So I am just so upset right now, I can't handle life anymore, I just want to die!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Well that kind of sent up like a thousand red flags. That can't be healthy, have you seen a psychiatrist?

So you are now afraid of what could possible be ailing your friend, WHY WOULD THEY WANT TO DIE? You decide to inquire as to what the problem could be...

My good friend, my sweet friend, you beautiful perfect person you, why are you upset? Did someone you know die? Do you have cancer? Is your mom sick? Did your dog get hit by a car?...tell me what happened I'm worried :(

"I don't want to talk about it...."

What? You don't want to talk about it. Why did you post that so the WHOLE fucking world of Facebook if you didn't want to talk about it. Usually when people post that kind of stuff they are searching for help. 

And then later...you see them post this status.

"Nobody cares about me. I'm sick of needing help and nobody comes to help. I'm sick of people not caring when I really need help. Nobody cares! NOBODY!"

I asked what was wrong earlier, what did you want me to do? Fly my ass out there and cradle you in my arms, petting your face and cooing "It will be okay, it'll be okay." over and over? 
Dude that's fucking creepy. If that's what you wanted then too damn bad. It's not happening. 


If you're one of those people...so help me God. 
Help me in stab them in the eye. Amen.