An Awkward First Date

Assuming each of my beautiful readers has been on a date, or at least had a dream of a date, or maybe looked up the word Date (not including rape) in the dictionary, you'll all know what I'm talking about when I talk about awkward first dates. 

I had one of those once. Okay maybe twice, three times? Okay four times- you got me. You'd think after having a couple dates that end up being awkward you'd just give up. Not me though. I'm a fighter. A total rebel, I don't even shave my legs.

There are multiple kinds of awkward dates out there, and I've experienced quite a variety. It all depends on the guy you go out with and what you plan to do on said date. Some dates turn out nice, others...turn out...well, not so nice. If you think about it though, the shitty dates are always the ones worth talking about...

Always.


Nobody wants to hear about that time you went on a date with this really sweet guy that held open every door for you and let you pick the appetizer. No, nobody wants to fucking hear that.
Really, people want to hear about the bad dates. 


Like that time you went on a date and the guy got so drunk he threw up down your shirt. 
Haha, he threw UP down your shirt! Ehhh, ehhhhh? Fine okay.


This is the guy that has been on a date with Kori:
Here is their story...
[doink doink]


Bad Date Type: The Agenda
This date started out rather normal, seeing as though we met in one of my classes, I don't remember which one because he's been in multiple classes of mine seeing as though he's majoring in Fisheries and Wildlife. He asked me if I wanted to go to out to dinner, I hadn't been on a date in  a while so I decided I'd go. Just a casual date though, nothing too fancy.


So let's go do this shit.


We sit down to eat and I'm looking at the menu as he goes, 
"So what do you like to do?"


Of course we know that if I was truthful and said, Well I like going into Asian restaurants and pushing over the fish tanks, tripping old ladies when they're crossing the street, kicking puppies, and picking up prostitutes and dropping them off in the desert, he probably would have walked out.


So I lied and said something so ridiculous I'm surprised he bought it:
I like reading.


He seemed satisfied with that answer as he continued his interrogation:
"So do you get out often?"


I guess it really depends on what you mean by "out," seeing as though there are lots of definitions and insinuations of the word "out" I shall pick a few and explain my position. 


If you mean "Out" as in, "Do you go on dates often?" then the answer is no. Although if your definition of date is loose enough to include "Do you sit at home and cry while eating Ben and Jerry's in front of your laptop watching Spongebob and wishing you had a life." then yes I get out quite often. 


If you mean "Out" as in "Do you go outside and sit in the sunshine enjoying yourself?" then the answer is also no, seeing as though we live in Oregon and the sun doesn't exist here. You need to look up the fucking weather channel, why do you think everyone in Oregon suffers from S.A.D? Pfft.


If by "Out" you mean sleeping by myself in a cold bed, lonely and alone. By myself wondering why I'm so lone....oh...


Yeah, I get around.
Wait wait wait...
That's not what I meant.
No, really it's not.
Who am I kidding..I'm a whore.


I had looked over the menu at this point an decided that I was going to eat a salad, since everything on the menu had carcass in it. He asked me what I was going to get and when I said a salad he goes, 


"Really? You don't have to get a salad, I'm not going to judge you. I like girls that eat."
Hey if you wanted to see me eat maybe we should have gone to a restaurant that didn't specialize in dead animals. Not like you asked though.


That's when I broke the news to him,
"I don't eat animals, so I'll just get a salad."


His face was like I just said, "I hate America, believe that guns should be outlawed, and have had 16 abortions."
Little did he know I've actually had 18.
"You don't eat meat? Like, you're a vegetarian?"
This is when I should have said, "Oh I eat meat, just human meat. Babies are my favourite...so tender."


We stared at each other in silence for a while after I'd replied, "Yes." to his vegetarian question. He looked down the menu and decided to pursue a new route to things. Apparently his agenda was not towards the animal rights side of things. It was unacceptable that I didn't eat animals, and he was going to make it known.


"So do you think that just because you don't eat animals you're going to save the world? Even if you don't eat animals other people are still going to so you might as well because you aren't changing anything."
Hey you know, you are using an awful lot of oxygen spewing your bullshit. 


I replied kindly, "That's alright, I figure it takes one person at a time to change the world. Even if my eating meat doesn't stop other people, they might come around on their own. It's your choice if you want to eat meat, just like it's my choice if I don't want to."


His eyes narrowed as he looked at me, I could tell he was thinking (or something slightly resembling thinking).
What I imagine was going on in his head: 
[red lights flashing] Oh god dude, she's an independent thinker. She thinks for herself.
Oh fuck she might actually be smart, I don't like girls that are smarter than I am. Oh God, what do I do? Should I listen? No- no, tell her to get back in the kitchen. 
Oh fuck I'm at a restaurant and that won't work. ABANDON SHIP.


We didn't go on another date.