Types of Customers

Almost everyone has to start at the bottom of the job chain in order to get where they want to be. Most people end up working some form of retail or food service in their lives.

Unless they have parents that pay for every thing and they can just breeze through college and start in a good job.
 Jerks.

I've worked retail and food service. They definitely were not the best jobs I've ever had and I still don't have the best job ever. Though the more you work with people, the more you learn to spot different types of people before even talking thoroughly with them. There are tons of different types of customers and if you work retail, especially something like a grocery store, clothing store, or hobby/craft shop, you will deal with all of them at some point.

If you've never worked in a customer oriented setting, here's the scoop. 
And if you have, prepare for horrific Vietnam type flashbacks.

Customer Type #1: The needy bitch.
 So you're walking about the store, doing your job, minding your own business- when she walks in. After coming in she's frantically searching the aisles like a crack addict needing her fix. 

Shaking profusely, drooling, eyes twitching....

Oh shit. She's spotted you.
Run! Run you sorry bastard! 
RU- Oh right you work here.
She fumbles on over and stares at you, obviously needing something. Using your awesome customer service jargon you learned at orientation, you ask her how you could help her. 

That was mistake #1. 

She replies, "Well, not to be a bother, but I was looking for felt. I need sheets of felt. Red, and blue, and green, and yellow, and purple, and blue, and red, and green. Felt. I need felt, so much felt."   

You politely show her to the aisle with the felt on it. Feeling as though you've completed your task, you make...

Mistake #2. 

You ask her, "So is there anything else I can help you with?"

She makes a face sort of like this: 

 She slyly hands you some felt, "Oh well in that case, can you hold these two sheets of felt next to each other so I can see what they look like?"

Okay are you fucking serious? I have like 50 other people to help, a store to clean, other jobs to do, and you want me to hold your felt for you so you can LOOK at them? Is it really that hard to take your left hand and right hand and hold the felt away from your face so you can see what they look like together? It's TWO SHEETS OF FELT. 

Oh I get it, you're a super hero and your only weakness is felt. Your arch enemy is watching from behind the beads waiting to strike as soon as you touch the felt, as you will be powerless. Then they will defeat you and rule the world! You must be planning to buy all the felt so the villain cannot use it against you. 

But if you bought 582 sheets of felt, something would look suspicious. What if people figured out you're a super hero?
    "Oh fuck- she just bought 582 sheets of felt. Only a super hero would do that." 

So instead- you are buying only two sheets at a time, and are going to make 291 trips. Less suspicious that way.

Fucking Brilliant!

Customer Type #2: Life story.

This customer is usually a regular. They come in all the time, looking for random items. Sometimes it's trash bags, other times it's canned peas. It doesn't matter what they are looking for though; they are always going to relate it to one of their 120 cats, war experiences, crafty ideas, complaints about younger generations, or something else you don't give a shit about.

The customer walks into the store, looking around for someone to help them. You spot her. It's Marty, the old lady from downtown. Hiding your face behind a 32 pack of Charmin Ultra toilet paper, you hope she doesn't see you. No dice. As she waddles over, you ponder how long it would take to climb on top of the aisle and jump off- impaling yourself on the fork display. Before you can make your attempt she has already reached you.

Marty: Excuse me, do you guys have glitter?

Why we sure do, let me show you where it is! 
   ...as you walk to the glitter- 
So why do you need glitter today? Working on a fun project? Sending the grandchild to school? Making Christmas ornaments in February? Setting yourself on fire?

Marty: No..no...no...what was that last one?

 .....Christmas ornaments.
    You reach the glitter-  
Well here you go, anything else?

Marty: Do you know when glitter was invented? Me neither, but one time I worked as a stripper at this joint in Las Vegas and we used a lot of glitter. Glitter on our nipples, panties, and hair clips. Glitter on the floors and in the curtains and glitter on the poles. Hell I'd have glitter in my cooch for days after working....

Just walk the fuck away. Do it now.


Customer Type #3: The angry couponer.

Some people like to use coupons to get discounts on items- others use them to give customer service employees paper cuts in their eyes.  

Like when the old man comes into the grocery store. You're at your register waiting for a customer to come through when his overloaded cart with 500 items in it rolls up. As you begin scanning he pulls a pocketbook stuffed so full it wont zip out of his pocket. It's full of coupons. 

3,782 coupons to be exact. 
And they're all for you. :)

After you've scanned all his items into the computer you begin looking into his coupon pile. He is dead set on using every coupon that he has in that pocketbook. Because it's protocol- you have to look at every single coupon to make sure it is valid. 

Coupon 1: Expired in 1973.
Coupon 2: For a hardware store.
Coupon 3: Although you take "competitor coupons," a mom and pop grocery store in Montana isn't really a competitor....
Coupon 4: Handwritten on toilet paper, "Free Entire Purchase- No Limit!"

The list goes on. Out of all of those coupons, four are valid. Oh he is so pissed.

"What do you mean I can only use four? I've spent my entire 80 years of life saving those coupons and dammit I'm going to use them! Let me speak to your manager! NOW!"

So you call up the manager.
The manager sees how many coupons the man has.
You can see the panic in your manager's eyes.
Wet spots begin to form in his armpits.
....and he runs away to his office.

Some help the manager is- so you refuse to take the coupons because most are expired or the fact the hardware store coupon is for a hammer the customer didn't even have in his cart.

The customer continues to press the coupons, claiming that you have to take them "Because the lady did when he came in yesterday." 
...right. Minus the fact that you were the only woman working yesterday.      

That's when you scream..."LOOK OVER THERE, OH THE HORROR!" and point in some direction.

As he looks in said direction- throw all the coupons in the shredder under your register.  
When he looks back and his coupons are gone, act like you don't know what he's talking about.
Proceed to deny the existence of coupons.
Charge full price on all items.

Somebody call Charlie Sheen, cause this guy is winning. 

Customer Type #4: It looks kinda like.... 
It's super nice when customers come into the store and know exactly what they want to buy. This makes the transaction easier for the customer and the sales rep. Or sometimes they walk in an they know what they want to do any just need the correct item for the job. 
"I want to smooth the wooden cabinet I'm making." 
By golly that person needs sand paper.

Then there's the people who THINK they know what they want, or think they know how to explain what they want in an effective way so they don't have to know what it's called.

Customer: So I'm looking for something and I need help finding it.
Rep: Oh? Well let me help you! What are you looking for?
Customer: Well I don't really know what it's called...
Rep: That's alright! What is it used for?
Customer: Um...I don't really know.
Rep: ...Okay. What does it look like...?
Customer:  It's purple.
Rep: Alright, um- well we have a lot of purple things, perhaps explain to me what you're going to do with it?
Customer: I don't know yet I just know I need it. It's purple and it comes in a box and it has this square on it with the logo an fancy lettering on the package.
Rep: .....okay. Um...yeah.

The rep has no idea what the person wants, and it appears that the person does not either. The customer then becomes irritated that the rep cannot read their mind and know exactly what they want from a vague description. Finally the customer comes up to the registers with desired product in hand. 

They wanted purple Play-Doh.  
Dumbass rep. They should have known- it was totally obvious.